Cost benefit

How much are newspapers paid for describing the source and price of what a famous persion is wearing from top to boots? Except for H.M. The Queen, of course. Must be a fair amount if they keep doing it.

Certain winner

The standards commissioner for the Lords, L. Moncreiff, is up for the 2021 Twit of the Year award. I bet she wins.

Keep death on the roads

The government is planning to let self-drive cars on motorways by the end of the year. But they aren’t allowed to go faster than 37 mph in the initial trial. When everyone else is doing 70. That makes sense.

What is he on?

No wonder they call the current US president “Joke” Biden. The Capitol Caper in January, which was over by teatime, was the worst attack on American democracy since their second civil war in the 1860s? In which universe?

Where’s Hercules when you need him?

It’s a pretty good summary of what’s gone wrong with the system of government when a 91-year-old peer; the peerless Betty Boothroyd; is done over by the standards commissioner for the House of Lords for missing a bias training session despite her medical condition.
    Stables, Augean, and like that.

Should have been avoided

Areas where electric scooters have been allowed in as an experiment have experienced higher rates of violent crime, including assault & even murder to steal scooters, people being run over by scooter idiots, drug transporting and getaways from robberies made easier, and even the odd drive-by shooting. There’s progress for you!

Blast, past, like that

“Goodnight, America, wherever you are.” Those seemed like familiar words at the end of the rerun of the first episode of Midnight Caller on Forces TV. I missed the copyright date but Mr. Internet assures me that the series began at the end of 1988. Which means the Midnight Caller is now an old bloke, and may even be a Midnight Crawler.

All about choices

On the one hand, one can applaud the lady who got a judgement, after a lengthy campaign, that air pollution killed her asthmatic child. On the other, one can’t help but wonder why she didn’t move to the countryside and away from the polluting main road when she had the chance.

Another of life’s illogicalities

Why didn’t Hellboy become Hellbloke when he left boyhood 30 years behind, as in the 2004 epic? Which is well-made and worth a couple of hours + adverts in front of the box. (except it isn’t a box any more, it’s a squashed-flat panel)

Won’t stand up

Someone needs to remind the news meeja that ‘sources’ are not evidence as stooges will say anything to get a bit of attention or some revenge for an imagined slight.

Could do better

After all the recent sunny weather, yesterday was the sort of day when the cat goes through the motions of agitating to be let out but ends up sitting on the doormat, not at all impressed by what’s on offer.

Belated counterblast

In his Saturday essay, former BBC icon John Humphreys claimed that we don’t know what the French concept of ‘fraternity’ means. Wrong. We even have a word for it – cronyism. And as for politicians squandering trust, the likes of Dave the Leader are just following in the footsteps of Tony B. Liar, who did a great demolition job on trust.

Today’s crossword clue

Deadly obese Albert (5)
Fatal

Devaluation?

I was under the impression that English football clubs were going to boycott anti-social media for a week as a protest against all the poisonous back-chat that goes on. Turns out to be just 4 days. Which smacks of addicts needing a fix.

Get used to it

“Doctor, Doctor, I’m feeling a bit wonky.”
    “I’m afraid wonky is now the new normal. Come and see me if you find yourself not feeling wonky.”

Blob Schmeducation

That’s the current education system for you. A bloke in a TV ad has ask a talking tin can when his kid wants to know which volcano buried Pompeii in the year 79.

Crosswords again

Relative pronoun (3) Mum? Dad?

Too close to real life

I used to laugh at all the useless cops that Jessica Fletcher outwitted in Murder, She Wrote episodes. But after reading in the Sunday Post (Scotland’s fave newspaper) what Police Scotland gets up to, I have come to realize that stupid and useless is the normal state of policing.
    Add on Operation Midland and all the fantasy BS that English cops accepted as ‘credible and true’, and the case is proven beyond any doubt, never mind reasonable doubt.

Booby prize

Who’s the biggest deadleg in the current WW roster? The VEINS bloke or Seth Rollins? There’s not a lot in it.

A life not wasted

You know you’re doing the right things when a TV critic does a rant about TV shows which have gone bad after a long run and you read through the list of examples telling yourself: “No, didn’t watch that!” to each of them.

Bull’s eye

Plastic promise said the headline. The context was the Scottish parliament elections but it sums up politics quite neatly. A politician’s promise can be bent into any convenient shape after the election.

So much for experts

There will be a 3rd wave of the Chinese plague and 30,000 to 50,000 people will die of it.
    There will be a 3rd wave but thanks to the vaccination programme, the death rate will average for the time of year.
    The experts aren’t really worth much if they can come to such divergent conclusions from the same data.

Cultural catastrophe

It seems that people of African decent aren’t going for a plague vaccination because they think that paying £91 for a bottle of Divine Protection (snake) Oil from some character calling himself Bishop Climate is a better bet for protecting them from the Chinese plague.
    Plus you get a length of red string to tie round your waist for added protection.

Whatever happened to titles?

In an article in today’s Sunday Post about a makeover of the David Livingstone museum, the historian Dr. Kate Simpson of Glasgow Uiversity is reduced to ‘Simpson’ at her second mention like a common criminal. Would giving her a Dr. – even without the full stop – have hurt that much?
    Ironically, the article lacking some common courtesy is about the museum giving more prominence to Mrs. Livingstone, who seems to have been neglected badly by the history books.

Tosh, just tosh

“You’re much safer in the fresh air”, TV plague propaganda tells us. Which is not true. If you don’t have any plague cases in your own home, you’re safe there and going outside is not going to make you any safer.

One less job to tackle

Apparently, the ancient Joko Ono is saving The Planet by writing a series of cute and pointless messages about it. So the rest of us don’t need to bother.

Just sheer wonkiness

What is it with critics that they think they have to compare and contrast the roles of actors? Playing a superhero one day and a serial killer the next is what acting is all about.
    Telling us what the actor did last time around is irrelevant.
    Conflating things which are unrelated is pointless.

A knee jerked for the sake of it

I get the impression that this rule of 30 people at a funeral is getting an undeserved bashing – in the absence of any numbers on funeral attendances. It has the flavour of a fight being picked just to keep the combative in training.

Box ticked

Wearing a bank robber mask when shopping lets you experience part of the life of someone who’s enormously fat. You can’t see your feet when you’re walking around.

Money, money, money, grub, grub, grub

The Duke of Edinburgh commemorative business seems to be going like a bomb. Coins, roses, everything is on offer. We’ll soon have all that lock-in surplus cash hoovered up!

Booo! Again!

It would have been a terrific TV spectacle, an iceberg the size of Norfolk floating north from Antarctica to clobber the Overseas Territory of South Georgia. Sadly for the global warming doom-mongers, it melted and dropped to bits and South Georgia was never under any serious threat.

Still Not Fooled!

Am I the only person in the country who isn’t watching some plotless cliff-hanger called Lino Duty? Nah, that’s just what they want us to think.
    Sounds like a foul-mouthed BBC non-comedy about a gang of lady floor polishers.

Did they really mean that?

“Discounts of up to -50%”, the excited email subject line read. But if a discount is a price reduction, a negative discount is shoving the price up, right? So they are really inviting me to pay up to 50% more than the usual asking price.
    Cute trick if you can make it work!

Sinister Agenda

“Titanic it ain’t” was said about now middle-aged actress Kate Winslet’s latest film. But why should it be? Unless the reviewer was advocating type-casting.

Devaluation

In the good old days, wonders used to last for 9 days. Speedier communications reduced the Super Soccer League shock-horror to just 3 days tops.
    Still, it gave some people something to be excited about other than the Chinese plague.
    Pity that’s not a 3-Day Wonder.

Uninvolved

Is the latest hit film a feminist triumph or an anti-man diatribe? As it’s unlikely I shall ever see it, include me out of the debate.

Not that helpful

‘The Loneliest Birthday’ said the headline. Which must have left the lady it was aimed at, H.M. the Queen, thinking. “Thank you so much for reminding me.”

Who is that?

How much plastic surgery has Charlotte Flair of the WW had? Because she looks nothing like her former self. Or maybe it's her sister standing in and taking over the name.

Idle hand on the remote control

Want a new hobby? Try channel-surfing through the mass of offerings on your TV and see if you can track down a Xmas episode of something. Like Walker, Texas Ranger, last night on CBS Justice.

Bleak future

TV cops place great value on what’s in a victim’s pointless texts and social media stuff on a phone. Which leaves me wondering if we’re heading for a society in which not having any sort of social media presence will become a crime against inclusivity & society!

Don’t hold your breath

Will the verdict in the trial over George Floyd’s death bring peace to America’s race turmoil? Only if Americans of color stop committing arrestable offences and resisting arrest. And that ain’t gonna happen.

Bafflement is the order of the day

I’m currently reading Crescent Dawn by the Cusslers. Dirk Pitt and his wife were in Istanbul when Dirk spotted a lurker, who was is described as ‘a thin Persian’. Which means what? He had a beard and Turks don’t have them? Or he looked like a long-haired cat?

Think of a number

I’ve had another home insurance quotation. I now have the option of paying +13% from the current provider (whose quotation was dated 1st April, but I don’t think that was significant), +40% and +49% from the latest bidder.
    My theory of “You frighten our customers and I’ll frighten yours” still holds water.

I’ll give it a miss, thanks

Olive oil & sea salt ice cream?
What else have you got?

Not fooled

Can a series have one member? No problem mathematically, my resident expert says. But a TV series? Or a season, as they have in the US? The idea is ludicrous when applied to single episodes about Mr Whicher, the detective currently on ITV 3.

Incoherent advert

Gum disease can lead to bad breath and . . . niblot(?).
    Crumbs! That sounds like something you would defferably want to avoid!

Off the charts

A Daily Mail Correspondent asked if a talking salamander features in Mormon theology. I knew they were weird, but that weird?!?!

The delights of a wet track

Extremely very soggy @ the F1 Grand Prix @ Imola. Very strange as Italy is not that far from England & Portugal, where the Sunday weather was very okay.
    Bash Verstappen clobbered Louie Sam Milton right away. Staying on the track was a real problem, as Louie found on lap 31 when he was trying to negotiate back markers.
    Russell & Botas obligingly left bitz all over the track right away, bringing out the safety car, so not a total disaster. Bash 1st, Louie 2nd and Norris (GB) 3rd.

Strike 2

Something else to do to the Indian bloke who claims to be from BT internet, or one of his mates, would be to do a rant about not having had any internet for a week and what’s he going to do about it? See how long he takes getting a hard time from a disgruntled customer!

Less than brilliant

Brilliant things happen when you deal with real people, eBay would have us believe. But does it say: “apart from the ones who are crooks” in the vanishingly small print?

Boooo!

Sam Lowes was on pole for the Moto2 race but he didn’t last long. Up into the air in the first few seconds and he ended up way off the track with his bike on top of him.
    The attrition continued; one crashing bike became quite a spectacular fireball briefly – well away from the rider. Great finish.

Obvious scammer

A bloke with an Indian accent phones you and claims he’s from BT internet. I told the last one I don’t have the internet, which stopped him dead in his tracks.
    But next time, I think I’ll go on to ask him if he’s selling it and see where that goes.

Hi, there!

Nice to see 93 back on the track for MotoGP, even if Marc Marquez is still playing himself in after a 9-month lay-off. Lots of leading riders going off a tricky track, including 46 and series leader Zarco. 93 managed to stay on his bike and finished a creditable 7th after completing the 25 laps.

Bikers in Portugal

11:20 is definitely a much more civilized time to start a MotoGP event in Europe. Artigas was crashed out by someone else for the THIRD race in succession in Moto3. If it wasn’t for bad luck, he’d have none at all. A second win in a row for the 16-year-old Acosta. Guess who hoovered up all the luck.

Rather ambiguous

“1.5m women” was how the headline began.
    That's not very tall, was my reaction. In fact, 4' 11" is not very tall at all. Unless that ‘m’ stands for million and they’re all standing on one another’s shoulders.

Another crossword clue

Olympic event for beggars (4,4)
Alms race

Hic!

No one told me you’re supposed to drink 20% more during lock-in. Which means I have a hell of a lot of catching up to do!

All change

The curse of Major Crimes – first they got shot of Chief Johnson, now Commissioner Raygun has had the chop. Will the blokes get a look in now?

Out of the same box

Watching all the fighting and bashing in the Blade vampire films, I realized that it looks about as real as all the stuff the WW does! Apart from the vampires going up in flames, of course.

Back-scratching scare tactics?

I’ve had 2 quotes for home insurance, one from the existing supplier, one from my bank. My current wants 13% more than last year. The bank is demanding more than the new, improved premium, and that’s after a 40% discount.
    In fact, my resident mathematician tells me that when the bank’s discount runs out next year, the bill with be double what I’m paying now.
    Which leaves me wondering if insurance providers are in cahoots. My current bungs in a demand for 13% more. A rival offers a frankly ridiculous deal – on the understanding that my current will do the same for the rival to scare existing clients to cough up and feel relieved. Financial shenannygoats in a wicked old world.

Missing link

What, I wonder, is the logic of showing Starship Troopers 3 right after screening the first epic in the series?
    Do you want to know more?

Sounds fair

Is the price of the Daily Mail going to come back down again when it stops using up all the extra newsprint for tributes to Prince Philip?

Updated proverb

Forget kettles. If it’s ancient, forever is a watched computer that never closes down. And if you’re in a hurry to move on, it’s a laptop that starts installing updates and begging you not to switch off prematurely.

Pillocracy Politics

It’s all very well for Labour to squawk about failed financier Greenhill getting 10 meetings with government ministers thanks to Dave the ex-Leader’s lobbying, but if nothing much came of the meetings, no harm done.
    And the ministerial time wouldn’t have been better wasted on meetings with Labour cronies with their hands out.

Just wibble

“Pressure grows on David Cameron”, the news reader said. But to do what? It’s not as if he can undo all his lobbying. And he’s not going to grovel and say he did anything wrong.

Not doing the deceased any favours

No great surprise that TV audience figures for the BBC and ITV plunged at the end of last week. There are only so many times you want to hear talking heads rehashing the same stuff about Prince Philip. A view he would most definitely have agreed with.

Cash stampede

Millions of people will spend over £300,000,000 this week, according to the prediction made in last Saturday’s paper. Good luck to whoever is spending 300 million quid on my behalf. Nothing like a good lockdown for showing you that shopping is something you can do without.

No thanks to this, either

Paramount: superior to all others. That’s the dictionary definition. A TV channel showing mainly programmes about sewermen and traffic cops does not in any way live up to it!

Whatever became of him?

Prince Hairy is reported to be in the country for his grandpa’s funeral and in quarantine. And maybe wondering if everyone will forget about him and leave him there?

Entitlement cult

‘Agent of his own misfortune’ needs to be introduced into the verdicts available to coroners in the US if criminals are going to keep on resisting arrest and come unstuck because of it.

No effin way

Three hours of Greenhouse Grotter doing a whinge at the world on BBC 1? Not all on the same night, but I shall be elsewhere on each occasion.

Pause for thought

Does offering your seat to a female, even it it’s Mrs. von Leyen, a polite gesture? Or is it an insult implying she’s just a poor, weak woman? And if thinking it over lasts the length of the event, or a bus or train journey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Yeah, right

Something or other “For the Planet”. Hear that coming out of your TV and you just know there’s a con job on the way.
    “Smart for the Planet?” Smart for their profits, more like..

Sorry, mate!

One of my correspondents noted the words “HOW YOUR BENEFITS ARE MADE UP” in a form letter about his state pension and wondered if that means his pension is purely imaginary now.
    Probably something to do with the financial crisis caused by the Chinese plague.

A job well done

“Prince Philip had a bevelled vigour”, I read in the paper. What? I suppose it’s a mark of good journalism if it sends you off to consult a dictionary to confirm the meaning and leave you nodding agreement over the aptness of the adjective.
    The world needed someone like Phil The Greek to prod the pompous with a teasing finger. And still does.

Gluttons for self-expression

It’s surprising that it has taken football clubs this long to stop having anything to do with FakeBook, etc., because of all the trolling that goes on.
    But it’s only for a week so that the rampant egos aren’t too deflected from their search for adoration.

Snail’s pace

I’ve just read that pioneering aviatrix Harriet Quimby took the best part of an hour to fly across the Channel from Dover in 1912. I hope she took a good book to read during that long, boring journey!

Fortitude

One of my contacts got a second vaccination at the weekend; after he and a gang of other old codgers & codgeresses had stood in a queue that took 45 minutes to get indoors. And it was snowing all the time he was outside. How tough our codgers are! Makes you proud to be British!

Things you learn from books

I’m currently reading Thirty-Three Teeth by Colin Cotrell and in chapter 8, I discovered that in Laos, you have to walk carefully to avoid setting off the dog fart flowers!

Wot’s going on?

A bloke with SID on his police overall was spotted in an episode of Major Crimes. All fans of UFO know that the initials stand for Space Intruder Detector. Did the cops think aliens were responsible for the murder?

The wheels grind slow

I’ve not had any more threatening letters from the Census professor. Looks like he’s got round to my contribution at long last.

Too far before its time

At the end of his 1975 novel Imperial Earth, Arthur C. Clarke mentions in the Notes section that he felt inclined to patent his black-hole drive for spaceships. But if he’d managed to get a patent, it would have run out in 1992, my expert tells me. So strictly a vanity project. And we still don’t have interplanetary space travel thirty years later.

Look at me, pleeeese!

The Dodgy Cars mob must be getting desperate if they have to string their Dodgy Cars Bloke up by his ankles in their TV adverts to get some attention.

Old plots never die

Gulp! Even in Captain Picard’s time in the far future, grey aliens are kidnapping ’umans and experimenting on them ‘like fish in a bucket of water’.

An explanation

Why is Alan Duncan such a drama queen in his story of everyday political people? Possibly, it’s because he knows there’s no chance of a peerage if everyone hates him and so he might as well make a few bob out of his book.

Fact of life

Euthanasia is open to abuse? Sure it is. But what isn't?

Make it 100% tripe

What we need is a Task Force for the Protection of Historical Figures to prevent the likes of Amazon from tacking the names of real historical figures to some tacky fiction-factory BS, as they have done with Leonardo da Vinci's name.

0/10, try again

The person responsible for the laugh track on the Mr. Bean episodes deserves a slow & awful fate. Some of it is in the right place but most of the laughter is superfluous and annoying. Crumbs! They’re 30 years old!

Originality not compulsory

Star Trek TNG, series 6, episode 12 – ‘Man of the People’. The script rotter must have heard of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Or, maybe, saw the film.

Sheer dedication needed

You’d have to be really keen to get up at 6 a.m. to watch the first of the Classic Westerns on the Sony movie channel!

Good move

A correspondent to the Daily Mail tells us that the first Duke of Sussex was a Royal Prince, who got off the bus and ended up in obscurity. No wonder Prince Hairy got that title!

It’s all in the way you read it

Oxford jab clot
fears failing to
deter British
Who is the Oxford jab clot featured in this column headline? And what is he or she trying to deter the British from doing? And why is the failure putting him or her in a state of fear?

We know, we know!

“There’s only one channel called Drama”, we’re still being told. Has someone kidnapped someone else’s grandma to keep this inane slogan in place? It just looks even more pathetic every time I see it.

Tripe is everywhere

What will it cost me? is one of the Q&As in a Daily Mail article about the idea of bi-weekly plague tests. The answer given is: “Nothing. The Government will pick up the bill for all tests.”
    Further Q: “Who, other than me and all the other taxpayers in the country, picks up the Government’s bills?”

Just an average spring day

Looked out the window, there was hail bouncing off the apple blossom yesterday. Then the sun was out again. The phone rang. Some female ‘from your bank’ on mobile phone number 07444 559664 was warning me that £600 had been sent ‘from your card to a foreign country’ and inviting me to press ‘1’ to be scammed. Like I’d do that.

Unfortunate history

Just what, I ask myself, is the point of repeating programmes about people who vanished or came to a sticky and unsolved end decades ago?
    Are we supposed to feel glad it didn’t happen to us? Or miserable on behalf of the deceased? Maybe they should tell us.

A plausible reason

Alan Duncan, the author of the shock-horror memoirs, ‘quit politics 16 months ago’. Was that because he’s such an obnoxious jerk that no one who gets to know him will have anything to do with him?

Woke “Up Yours”

Putting pop music on Radio 3 is what the diversity cult is all about. Single bright colours like Classical music are no longer allowed. Everything has to be a turgid grey mish-mash.

Unalarmed

Despite all the shock-horror fanfares for the political memoirs in the Daily Mail, Prime Minister Boris seems to be still there and still chugging along merrily.

And then . . .

Floodlights for Moto2 @ Doha. Lowes (UK) leading & metronomic. Another win for him. Yeee-haaa! Look at them Ducatis go in the MotoGP race. A spot of bashing with one-third of the race to go; stewards not involved.
    Some old bloke on bike 46 was lucky to be in the top 20. Quateraro on a Yamaha had a strategy to beat the Ducatis.

Holiday viewing

Good job everything gets repeated. The MotoGP mob didn’t get Easter off, like the more fortunate F1 mob.
    Nice to see all the Moto3 guys get round the first lap with Basher Binder @ the front. Riders biting the dust during the last few laps. McPhee was crashed out again by another rider. This is getting to be a habit. Acosta (16 years old) started from the pit lane and won ahead of Binder! Amazing.

Tosh

39 ways to save The Planet on the BBC iPlayer? 39 ways to waste your life. The Planet doesn’t need saving; it has managed on its own for 4.5 billion years; but we humans certainly do – from the wise guys who are trying to exploit us.

Tripe for Easter Sunday

It used to be 65 million years ago. Now, we’re being invited to believe that all the dinosaurs on Earth were wiped out in a single day 66 million years ago by that asteroid impact near Mexico. Apart from the ones living in Patagonia, 4,000 miles away.
    And if all plant life on The Planet died because no sunlight reached the surface because of all the crap in the atmosphere, mammals and insects and sea life would have gone extinct. But we’re here, and so are plants, bugs and fish. Get out of that, Dr. Roberts. Or are we all supposed to be descended from those dinos in Patagonia?
    And not a word about all those volcanoes in India which were polluting the atmosphere for hundreds of thousands of years around the time of the asteroid strike and making lasting changes to the climate.

Alternative message

Dear Archbish of Canterbury,
    If killing millions of people with a global pandemic is an example of your god’s ‘overwhelming generosity’ to us, I’d hate to be around when she gets the hump.
Yours, etc.

I know tripe when I see it

BBC Two is the Channel of the Year? In which universe?

Alien invader

If wondering about the skin colour of offspring of differently shaded parents is natural human curiosity, does that mean if Maz is outraged by it, she’s not human?

AEW Mystery

How do you go from being Dean Ambrose on the WW roster to John Moxley on the AEW roster? Phone book job?

Afterthought

Wouldn’t it be great if they did Hannibal’s Messiah on a gang of elephants!

Last nite on BBC 2

That’s one way of filling a theatre – doing something like Handel’s Messiah with a safely spaced orchestra, the singers spaced out through the auditorium and some of the soloists in boxes.

Splash!

There seems to be a hunt on for a statue of Sir William Macpherson, who was responsible for the institutional racialism concept, in the hope that it can be chucked into a nearby harbour as a gesture of thanks.

Some image!

Clint Eastwood does the P.D.s of Las Vegas and Phoenix no favours in his film The Gauntlet (on last night). If they’re not gun-happy robotic morons, they’re crooks.

Safety in numbers

Over 6 feet tall, 15 stone and drugged up. No wonder 4 cops were needed to bust George Floyd for passing a fake $20 bill at his friendly neighbourhood everything store.

Very fishy

How typical it is of the EU to refuse to take fish from what it claims are Britain’s ‘polluted’ coastal waters, but to continue to agitate for unrestricted access to those same waters for EU fishing fleets.

Recollections May Vary

What has Boris done to upset the Daily Mail? First, the Mail shops the charity which pays a sizeable wedge of cash to his girlfriend. Now, it’s publishing Boris Bashing memoirs by some has-been who hated EVERYBODY!

Dead John

What’s wonderful bank holiday TV? Well, Patrick Jane catching up with Red John on Fox has to be in the top 10. Even though the alleged mastermind & master criminal turned out to be a snivelling git.

Nomenclature

How is a shipping area called Dogger getting away with it? Probably because the dogging community is exerting its diversity rights.

Predictable

I was amused to read that the bloke who did PM Boris’s survey of reactions to race in the UK after the BLM riots lost the Moslem vote before he even started because he’s from the Caribbean. There’s no interest like self-interest.

Not on your Nelly

Do I want to play Wart Hunder online? Ah, no.

Perverse Glee

There was a high degree of grotesque glee in the BBC TV news reports about the copper who has been done over for being a member of a Nazi Terrorist Group. In fact, the newsreader seemed to be trying to say ‘Nazi’ and ‘Terrorist’ as many times as possible. Probably on diversity grounds.

A bit premature

That story in the paper about golfers with luminous balls teeing off on floodlit golf courses at 1 minute past midnight on Monday. How did they get to the golf course and collect on the first tee without breaking some plague rule or other? The cops should have been round with their fine books wide open.

Waste of my money

I got a reminder (or threatening) form letter from some professor about filling in a census form this morning. As it is something I’ve done, and in view of today’s date, I’m not taking it at all seriously.

Another world

Watching An Audience With Billy Connolly, I found myself trying to put a name to at least half of the audience. And wondering how many of the ones I identified are still alive. The programme was made in MCML3XV, and it’s still a riot thirty-five years later.

On the nail!

Crossword clue: Professionals facetiously called thespians (6). That’s putting bloody actors in their place to some tune!

Lasting memory

What do I remember from school? One of the other inmates of the German class came up with dummer Apriler Mann for April Fool. At times, education really does work.