Monday, 16 July 2018

YOU can fool none of the people none of the time, mate!

The Prime Minister would have us believe that the country will be left with no Brexit at all if her MPs gang up on her and thwart her brilliant plan. But it is excruciatingly obvious that her only plan is to thwart Brexit. Which means that no matter what her MPs do, it won’t make a scrap of difference.

Plus ça change . . .

It used to be the News of the Screws that did the dirty vicar/MP/whatever stories. Now, it’s the Monday edition of the Daily Mail making up for uneventful weekends.
    p.s. “It’s draining my battery.” Is that some sort of modern euphemism?

Sunday, 15 July 2018

You berk, Jezzer!

That old fool Corbyn has called for the Tory Government to step aside if it cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with Europe. I’d like to invite him to step aside if he cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with reality.

Boldly gone turkey

I watched the last half hour of that 2013 Star Trek film on Channel 4 on Saturday night. [BTW: is it me or did it go dark incredibly quickly during that half hour?] OMG! What a load of cobblers.

Some CFL fans are looking cheerful

Okay, the Eskimos beat the Argos by the odd rouge. But a win is a win and there are no more points to be gained for winning by more than one point. Even if it is over the World Champions of Canada.

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Department of useless knowledge

How do the Swiss government know that 100,000-150,000 Swiss citizens get through around 5 tons of cocaine per year between them? It gets boffins to measure the content of benzoylecgonine, one of the metabolites, in waste water and make a guess. I suppose producing this sort of statistic is a living, and maybe a bit more interesting than some.

Life chugs on regardless

Despite all the posturing by has-beens, hypocrites and nobodies, Donald Trump is still President of the United States of America. Imagine their amazement on discovering that no one took any notice of them (and try not to laugh).

Game of Throwns

“Ah wer thrown,” said the accused when asked why his evidence had changed since the police interview. “There wer two on ’em, one asking another question as I wer trying to answer the last one. If owt has changed it’s coz Ah wer thrown the first time.”
    “And that, Milord, is the case for the defence.”

Friday, 13 July 2018

Don’t know when you’re lucky, mate

A Ross Clark got a full page in yesterday’s Daily Mail to moan about being denied a hernia op on the NHS even though he’s paid thousands of pounds in income tax. Given the number of women who have complained to the Sunday Post about the havoc created by faulty mesh implants, maybe his doctor is doing him a favour!

More hoop merchants

A charity is getting excited because one-third of primary school kids haven’t been taught to ride a bike. Something which I never did. In fact, I didn’t do 6 of their top 10 essentials for childhood and it never held me back. But I doubt the control freaks want to hear that; they just want kids jumping through their hoops.

Next move

What can the WW do to top pretending to bluelooterize the Canadian whinger last week? A sick note for KO and a night off; and a spray of air-freshener from his tormentor.

First place is the only one that matters

Does anyone care who ends up third in the World Cup? Thought not.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

How to win

Hint for the French for Sunday: knock in two goals in the first half and don’t let them score. Then knock in another in the second half to make them even more desperate.

Confected outrage

Why is it such a shock-horror-scandal-outrage that the Thai boys who were rescued from the flooded cave system were sedated before they had to navigate flooded tunnels?
    It sounds like the humane thing to do and there would be a scandal only if they hadn’t been sedated.

How do you upset bigots?

Paint the black crosses on the shields above the clock faces on the Elizabeth Tower red, and when the Scottish and Welsh Nationalists start to whinge, challenge them to put some red crosses among the dragons and lions on their national buildings.

Ethics, but not as we know them, Jim

The spirt of the Crystal Methodist lives on at the Co-op. Its insurance wing knows dates of birth and it knows which ancient customers are paying rip-off premiums for insurance. But its management claims it would be unethical and ageist to mention it to them. So much for the customer counts!

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Nothing changes

The mob violence being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of what happened during the Nazi era in Germany. Probably because the same type of people are organizing it.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Exploiting the foolish

Fake vegetarians, who want a vegetable-based burger which looks like one made of meat, and even bleeds red stuff, are being obliged. The only snag is that their indulgence will cost them over 300% the price of a proper burger.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Things that occur to you while watching TV

If we can have subliminal messages; ones which are beneath the threshold of consciousness; why has no one come up with supraliminal to describe statements of the bleedin’ obvious? Especially as the term has a veneer of education as it uses Latin to express an otherwise crude concept.

More from Cloth-Ears

Did he mumble “Alans” or “Adams”?
    What’s the context?
Cockney rhyming slang, mate. Is he trying to get into her Alan Whickers or her Adam Ants?

Inferior product

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Fallguy – that’s a much, much better title than the one they came up with for the latest episode.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

Bloody Foreigners!

Interesting tactic by Ferrari at the British GP: get your No. 2 driver to punt the No.1's main threat to the back of the field, knowing the FIA will let them get away with it.

Keep your Sellotape in the fridge!

I had a print stuck to a wall with some carpet tape judiciously folded into a loop. It was there for ages. A couple of nights ago, it fell down. The adhesive was just too soft and tacky to support the weight of that much paper.
    Same story with other types of sticky tape as regards loss of sticking power. Never known anything like it!!

What they don’t want you to know

Apparently, you have to pay their fee/commission whether or not Purple Brix manage to sell your house. How about that for commisery?

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Just a bit off target

Strange, isn’t it, that when some non-celeb is murdered or dies in an accident, they are always the best person in the world. But when someone we’ve heard of dies, there’s always someone standing by with a book claiming that the deceased was the world’s biggest nasty bastard.
    Sounds like Mr. Death needs to adjust his sights somewhat.

My taxes are paying for this crap

I noticed yesterday that we have a Minister for Women and Equalities?? How can there be more than one of them? Things are either equal or they aren’t. But, of course, in the mad world of politics, let us not forget that some equalities are more equal than others, especially when wimmin are concerned.

Money for ancient rope

This week’s WWE Smackdown wasn’t much better. One wrestling match in the first hour; the rest was fillers, repeats and wibble.
    After an hour and a half, a Z-lister did a bit in the ring before his boss did sneak-attack wibble. A couple of ladies bashed each other about for 4 minutes. To finish, two A-list tag teams did 8 minutes.
    Hardly something worth the time and expense of attending in person for the recording.

Desperation move

The Russians are claiming that the latest episode in the Salisbury poisoning saga is an attempt by Britain to tarnish the World Cup that Putin bought. Is that even possible?

Friday, 6 July 2018

New modern words

Wibsite – an online source of fake news and wibble (see also: BBC)
Scribsite – an online source of naff opinions and scribble, especially about stuff which the perpetrator knows nothing about (see also: blog)

Holy crap, Batman! It’s blue!

There were lots of cries of: “This is crap” when this week’s episode of WWE Raw became a succession of pairs of guys pretending to kick the crap out of a current hero. Then one of the whingers got his comeuppance by allegedly being pushed off a raised area inside a portaloo. He  emerged covered in blue stuff. In the good old days of Vince McMahon, it would have been brown stuff, but these days, even the crap isn’t crap-coloured.

Trade Descriptions Act time

Have you noticed that every-bloody-body; banks, anyone with a website, etc., etc.; is urging us to take more control of our data and so on? Of course, what they really mean is that the mugs should buy a pretence of having more control and let things chug along pretty much as they used to. Not that they’d ever dream of telling us that in plain English.

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Nowhere will be safe

If you’re looking for somewhere to go to avoid being tasered by a trigger-happy copper, take Italy off your list. They’re holding trials with tasers in 11 large cities there (but not Rome, surprisingly) and once they have them, the cops won’t give them up.

Can we chuck out some more Russian spies?

What’s that going to do for Salisbury – knowing that Putin the Poisoner has set off the equivalent of a dirty bomb in the city by contaminating it with novichok? Which effectively lasts forever, according to our experts.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It’s the way he reads them

Crumbs! Was D. Green, MP, really the first secretary of state for lying? Or am I just guilty of not bothering to read the rest of the sentence?

A waste of space and licence-payers’ cash

The BBC’s diversity bloke sounds a really poisonous piece of work. Wibble by the bucketful at the touch of a button. When an organization gets big enough to feel the need to hire someone like him, it needs to be split up and leaned forthwith.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Someone has to say it

Yes, and I’m sure I’m not the only person wondering how much it cost dear old Vlad to get the worst Russian world cup team for decades past Spain on penalties!

You can’t beat a good story

It’s only a comfortable 28 degrees Centigrade in the computer room today and we’re not being threatened with a hosepipe ban just yet. Which is pretty meaningless when you have your own private lake! Still, it was interesting to note that the water companies are saying they can’t treat water fast enough to meet demand.
    Nothing about all the treated water that leaks away through the pipes they can’t be bothered fixing, of course.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Two wheels good, four wheels bad

That was some MotoGP race in Assen! How did they stay on their bikes after some of those collisions! And another good win for Marc Marquez.
    Meanwhile, in Austria: German cars, what bloody use are they?

Curious lapse

I’ve just watched the Tartan DVD version of Ingmar Bergman’s film The Virgin Spring. The notes on the box-sleeve describe the bad guys as swineherds. Filthy swine they might have been, but they had a herd of goats in the film, which the person who wrote those notes clearly hadn’t bothered to watch.