Tuesday, 31 July 2018

More pots and kettles

MPs are accusing the charity sector of having a culture of denial, indulging in complacency which verges on complicity and believing that protecting the good name of the organization takes priority over abuses by the staff.
    All of which applied equally to the accusers, whose ranks are full of expenses swindlers, bullies and sex-pests, and who have a finger permanently pressed down on the ‘cover-up’ button.

Imperfect world

The Oxfam Experience tells us that the charity sector, and that includes the United Nations Organization, is run by men who think that the best way to put cash into a disaster area is to keep the local sex workers in full employment, and by pantomime dames with a Ph.D. in turning a blind eye.
    But if they get the job done . . .

Monday, 30 July 2018

Just plain wrong

We get some serious rain after a fairly long dry spell and you just know what the water companies will say. Yep, it’s the wrong type of rain. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us they missed their targets for fixing leaks because they’re the wrong type of leak.

Great idea

Now, there’s a think tank which lives up to its description! I mean the one which came up with the idea of using the overseas aid budget to deport migrants who have no right to be here.

Sunday, 29 July 2018

Strange expectations

“On a low income, it’s hard to be healthy; fresh vegetables are expensive,” said a lady quoted in Saturday’s Daily Mail. Utter garbage. People don’t cook dinner any more (they get carry-outs) where she lives because they’re too bloody lazy to make the effort.
    Note to the author of the article: a bag of supermarket salad doesn’t really count as ‘vegetables’.

Fair dos for the taxpayer

Is it reasonable to pay migrants in detention centres no more than £1/hour for cleaning, painting and other maintenance duties? Actually, yes, if they’re not contributing a red cent to their board and lodging.

Saturday, 28 July 2018

Not a brilliant effort, really

The longest eclipse of the moon of the century started before moonrise, which was pretty much at the same time as sunset, which meant that the eclipsed moon rose into full daylight. That has to be rank bad planning on the part of whoever organizes these things. Good job there was a lot of wind blowing the clouds along when they got in the way.

Friday, 27 July 2018

Natural advantage

Another good thing about having some grounds attached to your residence is that you can have a fairly clear horizon. Which is why I’m expecting a small invasion of neighbours tonight to watch the eclipsed Moon rise with no inconvenient buildings in the way.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Can’t wait

What a wonderful time we’re going to have in the future when Parliament bans all activity during hot weather. We’ll all be able to sit around watching old TV shows on the internet all day. And then worry about starving to death because all the shops have been forced to close and the larder is bare. And the taps have run dry because no one is allowed to fix burst water mains.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Careless fingers

People who have names with convincing typo potential:
1. Oily Robbins.
2. Scumas Milne.

A severe attack of the supraliminals

Did Britain’s newspapers really need to tell us the country is melting. It’s not news. Those in the south are experiencing it, those elsewhere know it’s not true. Why can’t they tell us something we don’t know? Some new news. That would be good.

Cat update

Later on yesterday, one of the gardeners reported finding two visiting cats sheltering from the rain in the gazebo. One at either side, of course, to avoid infringing on the other cat’s territory.

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Everybody panic ’coz of the weather!

Meanwhile, we have someone’s black-and-white cat taking refuge here to avoid the rain.

Natural justice vs political BS

Two ex-British jihadis end up in the US facing either the death penalty or GTMO. Nothing wrong with that and all the boo-hoo buggers who have a problem with it need to be either ignored or laughed at and reminded that these characters have been stripped of their British citizenship, depending on how annoying they get.

Monday, 23 July 2018

Some 'comes around'

Am I delighted by Vettel's catastrophe in the German GP? More surprised that the Universe doesn't hate Lewis Hamilton quite as much as I thought it did. And grateful that the same Universe rained on a grand prix and turned it from a dull procession into something with a bit of life in it.

Clerihew Four

Michel Barnier
Will never get a Hip, Hooray!
While he’s a block in the road
With his head stuck in dick mode.

So much for education, education, education

Are there really people around who need to be told the difference between a lunar and a solar eclipse, as the person who wrote the article about the lunar eclipse on Friday tacked on at the end of the piece in today's paper? If there are, the Blob and the Labour party deserve a Nobel Prize for services to dumbing down.

Sunday, 22 July 2018

A bit wonky

‘A mostly dry day with just the small chance of an isolate shower’ was the weather prediction in today’s paper. It has been drizzling all morning. But the gardeners appreciate it.

Now you come to mention it . . .

That bloke who spotted that a departures board written in Welsh looked like something cobbled together by a dyslexic was spot on. Having seen the picture, I agree. It does!

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Clerihew Three

Theresa May
But if she actually will, no one can say.
As for her principles and red lines,
They have many more varieties than Heinz.

May we please just Brexit?

All that pratting about by the government at Chequers and the ministerial resignations was for nothing. EU say No!

Well, I never

I was shocked to learn that we have an Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. Taxpayers’ money is actually being spent on telling people how to misuse drugs! Shocking!
    And if the advice is coming from civil servants and quangocrats, it is bound to be rubbish, which makes the abuse of the public purse even worse.

Potted Philosophy

Or what people talk about in pubs. The opposite of the mythical concept of the mangina has to be a shenis. Which leads to the question of which would be more popular at a theatre near you: The Mangina Monologues or The Shenis Serenades?

Friday, 20 July 2018

Lest we forget

The Greatest General of All Time nearly got himself blown to smithereens on this day in 1944. But he was spared because the assassin didn’t have enough courage of his convictions to pull the pin when he was standing next to Mr. Hitler.

Some choice

Ban the work of Kipling because he was racist. Replace it with work by MBPs. How is that not equally racist?
    Ah, but Kipling’s was bad racism and this is good racism, especially if the person responsible is an MBP.

Yes, your ears do deceive you

Baroness Hutin? Who she?
    It’s a BBC newsreader’s version of Vladimir Putin, Clothears!

Clerihew Two

Jean-Claude Juncker
Couldn’t get any druncker
But if the taxpayer’s buying
He’ll keep on trying.

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Weird lot, these Yanks

The things you learn from casual reading! According to a court in Maryland in 2006, mooning is a form of expression protected under the constitutional right of freedom of speech. Which leaves me wondering what the judges had been smoking as mooning is performed at the opposite of end of the body from the organ of speech.

Vested interest

Is it fair to point a finger at Libyan coastguards if some migrants refused to board their ship when intercepted on the way to inflict themselves on Europe? Of course, not. But if the people doing the finger-pointing are making a living out of the refugee trade, their opinion is hardly unbiased.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Something to grab you!

With a title like Bermuda Tentacles, how can anyone resist this 2014 film, which is sure to be a totally daft sciffy creature feature. Great fun, but no mention of the fate of the idiot who chose to send the US president’s plane through the Bermuda Triangle in a violent storm, which had to be treason.

A word in your Clerihew

Vladimir Putin
Doesn’t believe in shootin’.
When he wants someone dead,
It’s poison, not a bullet in the head.

Pseuds only, pliz

‘Pre-owned’ – how is that somehow superior to ‘secondhand’? Except to people who like to kid themselves that they’re getting something special that’s not availably to the peasantry.

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

New broom looking to sweep out inherited trash?

Having hacker and fugitive J. Assange occupying a room in your outpost for 6 years is proving too much for the residents of the embassy of Ecuador. And he’s costing his hosts lots of money; even more than the Metropolitan Police Farce! As a result, the new president of the country is trying to arrange a way of getting rid of him.
    You’d think Assange would have had enough of it by now and he’d do them the favour of digging an escape tunnel!

Unreasonable expectation

Isn’t there something rather illogical about his constituents telling ‘shamed Tory minister’ A. Griffiths to do the decent thing? He’s a proven rotter with no moral compass, which means that ‘the decent thing’ is the last thing he’d do!

Monday, 16 July 2018

YOU can fool none of the people none of the time, mate!

The Prime Minister would have us believe that the country will be left with no Brexit at all if her MPs gang up on her and thwart her brilliant plan. But it is excruciatingly obvious that her only plan is to thwart Brexit. Which means that no matter what her MPs do, it won’t make a scrap of difference.

Plus ça change . . .

It used to be the News of the Screws that did the dirty vicar/MP/whatever stories. Now, it’s the Monday edition of the Daily Mail making up for uneventful weekends.
    p.s. “It’s draining my battery.” Is that some sort of modern euphemism?

Sunday, 15 July 2018

You berk, Jezzer!

That old fool Corbyn has called for the Tory Government to step aside if it cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with Europe. I’d like to invite him to step aside if he cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with reality.

Boldly gone turkey

I watched the last half hour of that 2013 Star Trek film on Channel 4 on Saturday night. [BTW: is it me or did it go dark incredibly quickly during that half hour?] OMG! What a load of cobblers.

Some CFL fans are looking cheerful

Okay, the Eskimos beat the Argos by the odd rouge. But a win is a win and there are no more points to be gained for winning by more than one point. Even if it is over the World Champions of Canada.

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Department of useless knowledge

How do the Swiss government know that 100,000-150,000 Swiss citizens get through around 5 tons of cocaine per year between them? It gets boffins to measure the content of benzoylecgonine, one of the metabolites, in waste water and make a guess. I suppose producing this sort of statistic is a living, and maybe a bit more interesting than some.

Life chugs on regardless

Despite all the posturing by has-beens, hypocrites and nobodies, Donald Trump is still President of the United States of America. Imagine their amazement on discovering that no one took any notice of them (and try not to laugh).

Game of Throwns

“Ah wer thrown,” said the accused when asked why his evidence had changed since the police interview. “There wer two on ’em, one asking another question as I wer trying to answer the last one. If owt has changed it’s coz Ah wer thrown the first time.”
    “And that, Milord, is the case for the defence.”

Friday, 13 July 2018

Don’t know when you’re lucky, mate

A Ross Clark got a full page in yesterday’s Daily Mail to moan about being denied a hernia op on the NHS even though he’s paid thousands of pounds in income tax. Given the number of women who have complained to the Sunday Post about the havoc created by faulty mesh implants, maybe his doctor is doing him a favour!

More hoop merchants

A charity is getting excited because one-third of primary school kids haven’t been taught to ride a bike. Something which I never did. In fact, I didn’t do 6 of their top 10 essentials for childhood and it never held me back. But I doubt the control freaks want to hear that; they just want kids jumping through their hoops.

Next move

What can the WW do to top pretending to bluelooterize the Canadian whinger last week? A sick note for KO and a night off; and a spray of air-freshener from his tormentor.

First place is the only one that matters

Does anyone care who ends up third in the World Cup? Thought not.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

How to win

Hint for the French for Sunday: knock in two goals in the first half and don’t let them score. Then knock in another in the second half to make them even more desperate.

Confected outrage

Why is it such a shock-horror-scandal-outrage that the Thai boys who were rescued from the flooded cave system were sedated before they had to navigate flooded tunnels?
    It sounds like the humane thing to do and there would be a scandal only if they hadn’t been sedated.

How do you upset bigots?

Paint the black crosses on the shields above the clock faces on the Elizabeth Tower red, and when the Scottish and Welsh Nationalists start to whinge, challenge them to put some red crosses among the dragons and lions on their national buildings.

Ethics, but not as we know them, Jim

The spirt of the Crystal Methodist lives on at the Co-op. Its insurance wing knows dates of birth and it knows which ancient customers are paying rip-off premiums for insurance. But its management claims it would be unethical and ageist to mention it to them. So much for the customer counts!

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Nothing changes

The mob violence being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of what happened during the Nazi era in Germany. Probably because the same type of people are organizing it.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Exploiting the foolish

Fake vegetarians, who want a vegetable-based burger which looks like one made of meat, and even bleeds red stuff, are being obliged. The only snag is that their indulgence will cost them over 300% the price of a proper burger.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Things that occur to you while watching TV

If we can have subliminal messages; ones which are beneath the threshold of consciousness; why has no one come up with supraliminal to describe statements of the bleedin’ obvious? Especially as the term has a veneer of education as it uses Latin to express an otherwise crude concept.

More from Cloth-Ears

Did he mumble “Alans” or “Adams”?
    What’s the context?
Cockney rhyming slang, mate. Is he trying to get into her Alan Whickers or her Adam Ants?

Inferior product

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Fallguy – that’s a much, much better title than the one they came up with for the latest episode.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

Bloody Foreigners!

Interesting tactic by Ferrari at the British GP: get your No. 2 driver to punt the No.1's main threat to the back of the field, knowing the FIA will let them get away with it.

Keep your Sellotape in the fridge!

I had a print stuck to a wall with some carpet tape judiciously folded into a loop. It was there for ages. A couple of nights ago, it fell down. The adhesive was just too soft and tacky to support the weight of that much paper.
    Same story with other types of sticky tape as regards loss of sticking power. Never known anything like it!!

What they don’t want you to know

Apparently, you have to pay their fee/commission whether or not Purple Brix manage to sell your house. How about that for commisery?

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Just a bit off target

Strange, isn’t it, that when some non-celeb is murdered or dies in an accident, they are always the best person in the world. But when someone we’ve heard of dies, there’s always someone standing by with a book claiming that the deceased was the world’s biggest nasty bastard.
    Sounds like Mr. Death needs to adjust his sights somewhat.

My taxes are paying for this crap

I noticed yesterday that we have a Minister for Women and Equalities?? How can there be more than one of them? Things are either equal or they aren’t. But, of course, in the mad world of politics, let us not forget that some equalities are more equal than others, especially when wimmin are concerned.

Money for ancient rope

This week’s WWE Smackdown wasn’t much better. One wrestling match in the first hour; the rest was fillers, repeats and wibble.
    After an hour and a half, a Z-lister did a bit in the ring before his boss did sneak-attack wibble. A couple of ladies bashed each other about for 4 minutes. To finish, two A-list tag teams did 8 minutes.
    Hardly something worth the time and expense of attending in person for the recording.

Desperation move

The Russians are claiming that the latest episode in the Salisbury poisoning saga is an attempt by Britain to tarnish the World Cup that Putin bought. Is that even possible?

Friday, 6 July 2018

New modern words

Wibsite – an online source of fake news and wibble (see also: BBC)
Scribsite – an online source of naff opinions and scribble, especially about stuff which the perpetrator knows nothing about (see also: blog)

Holy crap, Batman! It’s blue!

There were lots of cries of: “This is crap” when this week’s episode of WWE Raw became a succession of pairs of guys pretending to kick the crap out of a current hero. Then one of the whingers got his comeuppance by allegedly being pushed off a raised area inside a portaloo. He  emerged covered in blue stuff. In the good old days of Vince McMahon, it would have been brown stuff, but these days, even the crap isn’t crap-coloured.

Trade Descriptions Act time

Have you noticed that every-bloody-body; banks, anyone with a website, etc., etc.; is urging us to take more control of our data and so on? Of course, what they really mean is that the mugs should buy a pretence of having more control and let things chug along pretty much as they used to. Not that they’d ever dream of telling us that in plain English.

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Nowhere will be safe

If you’re looking for somewhere to go to avoid being tasered by a trigger-happy copper, take Italy off your list. They’re holding trials with tasers in 11 large cities there (but not Rome, surprisingly) and once they have them, the cops won’t give them up.

Can we chuck out some more Russian spies?

What’s that going to do for Salisbury – knowing that Putin the Poisoner has set off the equivalent of a dirty bomb in the city by contaminating it with novichok? Which effectively lasts forever, according to our experts.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It’s the way he reads them

Crumbs! Was D. Green, MP, really the first secretary of state for lying? Or am I just guilty of not bothering to read the rest of the sentence?

A waste of space and licence-payers’ cash

The BBC’s diversity bloke sounds a really poisonous piece of work. Wibble by the bucketful at the touch of a button. When an organization gets big enough to feel the need to hire someone like him, it needs to be split up and leaned forthwith.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Someone has to say it

Yes, and I’m sure I’m not the only person wondering how much it cost dear old Vlad to get the worst Russian world cup team for decades past Spain on penalties!

You can’t beat a good story

It’s only a comfortable 28 degrees Centigrade in the computer room today and we’re not being threatened with a hosepipe ban just yet. Which is pretty meaningless when you have your own private lake! Still, it was interesting to note that the water companies are saying they can’t treat water fast enough to meet demand.
    Nothing about all the treated water that leaks away through the pipes they can’t be bothered fixing, of course.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Two wheels good, four wheels bad

That was some MotoGP race in Assen! How did they stay on their bikes after some of those collisions! And another good win for Marc Marquez.
    Meanwhile, in Austria: German cars, what bloody use are they?

Curious lapse

I’ve just watched the Tartan DVD version of Ingmar Bergman’s film The Virgin Spring. The notes on the box-sleeve describe the bad guys as swineherds. Filthy swine they might have been, but they had a herd of goats in the film, which the person who wrote those notes clearly hadn’t bothered to watch.