Merkel’s Man

What they’re saying about the president elect of the European Commission: “You have to catch him before noon because he’s usually too drunk to think in the afternoon.” And Mrs. Merkel and all the others who picked him as their stooge knew that. So what does it say about the quality of Europe’s “leadership”?

Rain? Panic!!!

The Indy Car drivers really are clueless when things get a bit wet. Last night’s race at Houston was a real hoot with drivers making ludicrous blunders. Although, you have to feel sorry for the likes of Sato, an ex-GP driver, who was crashed out by an idiot rookie when he was doing superbly well.

Who Goes Home?

It's interesting that the Latins; Italy, Portugal and over-rated Spain; crashed out of the World Cup with England despite having superstars in their ranks. Looks like getting them to perform to order is far from easy, even with the biggest prize in football is on the line.

England’s Revenge!

Suarez of Uruguay dared to bad-mouth England and our meeja in his alibis for resorting to cannibalism in the World Cup. And now, he’s gone from football for 4 months. There’s something for other stroppy and ungrateful foreigners to bear in mind.

Shooting from the lip

No sooner did Labour’s darling Chunky Umunna call UKIP supporters ignorant as far as getting onto the internet was concerned than the Labour Facebook page was overloaded with derision. “Go like that and go wrong,” as they used to say on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In.

One mystery now solved!

People have been asking whatever happened to Count Dracula. Now, the truth can be revealed. He’s found himself a really effective sunblock cream and he’s playing football for Uruguay under the name of Luis Suarez.

The Way of the World Cup

Hello! He’s fallen down so I’d better fall over too to bamboozle the ref.

Boooo!

Was Sepp Blatter booed when he dared to show himself at Belgium vs the Evil Empire? Well, he certainly was where I live!

Worst Image of the World Cup

That wimpy Serbian ref going 30 yards to replace a corner flag ripped up by a stroppy Argie and not giving the spoilt brat a yellow card.

Not too credible

If Suarez scored his goals against England only to get back at the FA for ticking him off when he behaved like a twat, then that has to be a strong contender for the Worst Whinge of the Year Award.

Is the guy a genius? Nah

Wow, gosh! Some guy has discovered an ancient way of cutting a cake. Instead of slicing triangular wedges, you should cut parallel lines either side of the centre, remove the almost square shape and push the rest together to stop the cake drying out. The genius admits that this applies only if the cake is iced. What he seems to have failed to notice, however, is putting an un-iced cake (or a conventionally sliced one for that matter) in a plastic bag and sealing the bag with a twister or a plastic clip also prevents the cake from drying out. But that’s probably too obvious a solution for our genius.

Oh, well.

It’s the England we know and love. Crap at the back with a defence full of holes and guys asleep at the wheel. They boy Wayne made the first goal then did nothing, so he should have been taken off at half time. Brigadier Gerrard did nothing, too. What we need are the young, keen players, who might feel tempted to take the fight to the opposition instead of just cruising around.

It’s official!

The evidence from the early matches is that all of the refs picked for the World Cup are rubbish, not just the guy picked for the opener. Either that, or they’re giving all the weak links a run out in the first round and reserving the ones who know what they’re doing for the later rounds.

It’s all in the description

The Japanese ref for the World Cup opener was “almost certainly useless, not corrupt”, which makes the swindle Croatia had to put up with okay.

Least likely explanation of all time

It seems the “crisis, wot crisis” as the nation’s passport offices is all down to the government not doing an advertising campaign in March to tell people to get their passport applications in early in the summer, and the population being too thick to realize that it is the experience of decades that they need to get passport applications in early in the summer because there’s a Noahdic flood of them at that time of year.

Immovable Object?

Do the people who want to see Blatter gone from FIFA have the votes to get rid of him? I suppose it all depends how effective the bribery has been!

Zombie myths not busted

The Mythbusters special on zombies was the usual fascinating viewing, but they are due for a shower of emails in response. They established that an axe is twice as effective as a gun for slaying zombies by destroying their heads, but as Adam & Jamie both ended up equally dead, the difference was academic. Same with the barn door myth. Jamie “nailed the crap” out of it with every spare bit of wood to hand, and kept Adam and his 100-strong zombie gang out, but they didn’t even consider what the gang could have done to the walls of the 150-year-old barn.

Speedy amnesia

There’s nothing like a separation of a couple of years to increase a politician's loss of contact with reality. Which is probably the reason why Gordon Brown is now claiming that he didn’t wreck Britain’s economy with his reckless spending and leave us hugely in debt. It was a global problem, he reckons, hoping to cast the blame in the direction of global warming.

How long before it’s everyone?

The Russian death toll from World War II keeps going up and up. It was 26 million last week. But this week’s Mckay the Noo column in the Daily Mail puts it at 28 million. How much will it be next week? That’s anyone’s guess. But the one thing that won’t change is that the size of the death toll was as much to do with Stalin’s lack of concern for the lives of his cannon fodder as the killing efficiency of Hitler’s war machine.

Thanks a bunch!

A fortnight’s rain (reduced from yesterday’s month’s rain) in an hour thanks to hot air leaking over from the Continent? Will we ever get anything worth having out of the festering swamp that is Europe?

Where he went wrong

President O’Bummer is getting a lot of stick for swapping one sergeant, who’s being accused of being a deserter, for five hotshot Taliban terrorists. What he should have done, of course, is give the departing terrorists a tea party, at which they were served some of the polonium tea that the Putinocracy used to murder Alexandr Litvinyenko.

Daft stories of the day

No. 1 comes from Tenerife, where a bloke dressed up in a gorilla suit to test the zoo’s gorilla escape plan was shot with a tranquillizer dart by a vet who hadn’t been told about the drill. No. 2 comes from New Jersey, where “experts” reckon they can substitute “free-form gestures” (a.k.a. finger-painting) for a password on touch-screens but don’t explain how anyone is going to remember them. No. 3 comes from Ciampino Airport near Rome, where someone left the handbrake off on a Ryanair 737 and it rolled back to a crash with a garage for a fire engine. Some “experts” are saying the £200K damage to the tail will be enough to justify writing off a £72 million aircraft. What planet are they from!!??

Gordon’s new job?

The European Commission, which gave us (and cost us) the disaster of the eurozone, where there is stagnation and Japanese-style deflation is predicted, has taken it upon itself to offer our Chancellor some free advice on running the economy (into the ground), including instructions to raise taxes. Has Gordon Brown retired there, by any chance?

Another wonderful study . . .

. . . has found that if a hurricane gets a female name, then people will assume it’s less harmful than one with a male name, and they’ll be more likely to try to ignore it and get themselves killed!

You know you’ve got it right when . . .

. . . Tony Blair starts pointing a finger at you. The sacked ex-prime minister, who flooded the country with foreign migrants in an attempt to rig the voting system permanently in Labour’s favour, is trying to do a knocking job on Nigel Farage, the leader of UKIP. Which amounts to an endorsement in the eyes of most people!