Tuesday, 31 January 2017

Maxed out

The synthetic outrage gushing and sploshing all over the place at the impending state visit by President Trump is going to leave the hypocritical luvvie usual suspects in a hole. How is anyone going to take them seriously if they try to be outraged over something important and it looks no different from the current confection?


Are we impressed by the marching and internet garbage against Donald Trump’s state visit? Not really because we know that one of today’s major problems is that there are too many people with too much time on their hands. In the good old days, they’d have taken up knitting or gone for long country walks. Now, they just sit at a keyboard and type tripe, and pretend that they’re running the world. And, human beans being what they are, there are people who actually believe them.

Credibility lorst and gorn

I’m currently reading The Murder Road by Stephen Booth, several of whose other works grace my library. The author paints a lengthy word picture of New Mills in Derbyshire some 70 pages into the book – and shoots himself in the foot, according to an acquaintance of mine.
    My acquaintance walked through the town literally thousands of times over a period of a couple of decades, travelling from one of its railway stations to the other and back again in the evening. He confirmed that there is a huge sweet factory on the southern side of the river gorge, which divides the area, but he was never, ever, assaulted by a sickly, overpowering smell from it, as Mr. Booth claims there is.
    Oh, dear! I wonder what else he gets wrong in his book?

Wasted words from a waste of space

Russia, China and now the United States are all threats to the future of the EU, according to D. Tusk, one of the half-dozen or so unelected presidents of various bits of it. So these three are all good guys?

Monday, 30 January 2017

Danger! Doctors in Action

Doctors have been told that they can no longer refer to ‘expectant mothers’ because that excludes women who are pregnant but who plan to have bits chopped off so they can pose as men. And men. And the really sad thing about the whole business is that the people who came up with this silliness are the ones running the British Medical Association, who seem to be under the delusion that men can become pregnant. Even if they don’t have the entrails for it.

Sunday, 29 January 2017


Labour MP D. Anderson is in trouble for recalling that he once thought someone from Sinn Fein was a CND representative and remarking that he knew it was something to do with bombs. Which just confirms that many a true word is spoken in jest. And nobody gets more upset than a terrorist or their sympathizers when reminded of their past.

Literary inventions No. 418

Apparently, the first line of Alan ‘Hawkeye Pierce’ Alda’s autobiography reads:
    “My mother didn’t try to stab my father until I was six.”
Doesn’t that just invite the second line:
    “I’ve often wondered why she restrained herself for so long.”

Saturday, 28 January 2017


The report that Baroness Scotland spent £33,000 of taxpayer’s money on pants for the Commonwealth contains a transcription error. It should have said that the money was spent on paint for the office from which she administers the Commonwealth.

Friday, 27 January 2017

Excess hot air

How come there are so many verbal diarrhoea victims on TV who don’t get twenty-seventeen?

There’s a good reason

Dick Van Dyke reckons that he was surrounded by Brits when he perpetrated his ludicrous Mockney accent in the film Mary Poppins, and no one mentioned that it was dreadful.
    Of course not, Dick. If they were Brits, they’d be too polite to notice your evident faults.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Just a thought

Is President Trump building his Southern Wall to let America’s communists and other admirers of the Berlin Wall know they haven’t been forgotten?

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Heads in the sand

The Daily Mail had the cheek to expose a gaping security hole in the Eurostar train service, which lets terrorists travel to Britain from Belgium for a couple of quid without any form of identity check. Something which has been known about since 2001. Eurostar’s response was to ban the Daily Mail from their trains as their alternative to closing the loophole.

Self-Defeating Role

The current self- and state-appointed Witch-Hunters General seem to be on course to put their successors out of a job. The more they persecute former soldiers for imaginary historical crimes, the more recruitment drops off, and the country is heading for a state of involuntary disarmament due to a complete lack of soldiers.
    Unless, of course, the government goes back into history and starts recruiting foreign mercenaries again.

Glaringly obvious

People are surprised that the London Congestion Charge isn’t cutting congestion. But a clue to what it really is can be found in the first three letters of the word ‘congestion’.

Lots of sound and fury . . .

Should we take any notice of the anti-Trump marchers? Not if they’re persons of no importance. Luvvies from the film industry, who claim to be protesting against Trump’s attitude to women but sat on their hands when Bill Clinton was paying out huge amounts of cash to make cases against him go away. Reasonably well-off people with nothing better to do with their time. The usual rent-a-mob gang and professional protesters. And a seasoning of criminals, who were there for some looting an arson with the police deflected. None of them real people with opinions worth knowing, just snowflakes throwing their toys out of the pram because they lost.

Police Negative

I’ve always found something repellent about Lor ‘n’ Order: Special Victims Unit, which is coming back on TV for another run. It conjures up a Direct-Line type scenario like:
    “Hello, can you help me, I’m a victim.”
    “Are you a Special victim?”
    “No, just an ordinary one.”
    “In that case, on yer bike, buster. We don’t want to know.”

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Don’t Panic!

In a counterblast to the nanny quango’s scare stories, the statistician Professor D. Spiegelhalter has declared that there is no good evidence that acrylamide, the killer chemical in the official government scare stories, causes harm at the levels found in the human diet.
    In fact, adults could consume 160 times more than the nanny quango’s killer dose without being harmed.

Stop eating. Right now.

That’s the official advice from the government’s food nanny the Food Standards Agency. Why? Because every day, a new study reveals that a particular food group causes cancer. Processed and red meats, roast potatoes, toast, baby foods, biscuits, crisps, breakfast cereals, bread and coffee are all on the list. Who knows what’s next. Which is why the official government advice is that if you want to avoid cancer and live forever, stop eating.
    And don’t even think about drinking, because that will kill you even deader.

So much for gender equality

The female brain starts to conk out when its owner reaches her 50s, a study at UCLA has found. Unless the woman is a British civil servant. Studies here have found that the rot starts to set in between 45 and 49 for ladies in the civil service.

Shape up or ship out!

The Dutch PM has told migrants to embrace Dutch values and standards of behaviour, or get lost. The impact of the message was diluted somewhat by the context. He made his proclamation as his country is getting ready for elections and he’s worried that the opposition Freedom Party is hoovering up the votes of those who find the behaviour of bolshie migrants offensive.

What’s their secret?

How are the Black Hills of Dakota managing to get away with it in a PC snowflake world, which saw off the popular BBC TV series Pot Black?

Monday, 23 January 2017

I suppose they got a bit of fresh air

It’s Monday morning and Donald Trump is still Resident of the White House in Washington despite all the protest marches. Just think what could have been achieved if the Wimmin Agin’ Trump had done something useful on the day after Mr. Trump’s inauguration. All the ironing, hoovering, sock-knitting, gardening and shopping that was left undone because the ladies wanted to get in the way of the traffic. And let’s face it, it’s not as if their collective strop was ever going to achieve anything useful.

Crocodile poop

Apples are oranges. Bananas are grapes. Hey! Anyone can do this political non-sequitur stuff. The old apples and oranges have struck again. What relevance does an old Trident missile going wonky in a test have to do with replacing them with a new generation of missiles, which will have their own and different in-built wonkiness? Apart from none, of course. Wonkiness is universal. It’s how it’s managed that’s important.
    Natch, the opposition are out of bed over this one, but it’s all just crocodile poop. [That’s confected outrage with the insincerity of crocodile tears implied.]

Sunday, 22 January 2017

About time someone did!

President Trump has put the US meeja on notice that he has no intention of taking any crap from them. False reporting will be jumped on with both feet. So that’s them told!

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Things that need to be driven into Europeon heads

We have an absolute right to leave the EU if it’s not the club we joined, we don’t like the way it’s being run and we don’t like where it’s going. Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty says so. Which means the basket of arrogant foreign deplorables running it can take their talk of ‘punishment’ for the UK and stick it where the Sun don’t shine.
    It was precisely this attitude which fuelled the Leave movement when Britain had its referendum on membership.
    And another thing: Britain won’t be paying £10 Billion/year into the EU budget for the six years beyond 2019, when we leave, as the basket-cases assume. So any spending plans they’ve made beyond then will have to be cancelled or trimmed, if they have become unaffordable. And the basket-cases can have no complaints about lack of notice.

Friday, 20 January 2017

Give the uninventive ones something to do

We are told that 600,000 old age pensioners are haunting supermarkets in search of a chat with the checkout-person because they have no one to talk to. Which sounds like a large niche-market opportunity for anyone who can organize self-sufficiency training for OAPs. If they are alert enough to get out to their supermarket, they should be reading books, or writing them, or enjoying music on YouTube.com or doing other things on the internet. Education in the utilization of free time is what is needed.

You’ve only yourself to blame

We have the Chancellor, P. Hammond, doing a sneak ‘coded’ attack on incoming President Trump and the Defence Secretary, M. Fallon, doing the same to President-For-Life Putin. Hammond unleashed a moan about ‘populism’ in his whinge, seemingly unaware that he is part of the problem. The Establishment feathering its own nest and doing its ‘coded’ attacks when the voters would rather have some honesty and plain speaking is what gave rise to ‘populism’.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Out with a bang

Here’s a new one: El Pais, Spain’s only national newspaper with a decent circulation (it’s a bit more than theGuardian’s) would have us believe that Britain is about to enjoy a ferocious Brexit from the EU. That should be fun.

I wish . . .

If only we could harness the R*A*G*E coming off the Bremoaners, there’d be no energy crisis, we could junk the Green Crap and its ruinous subsidies, and electricity bills would actually become affordable, even for the feckless.
    Harnessing Bremoaner R*A*G*E would also do the NHS a bit of good, avoiding the need to prescribe tranquillizers by the ton but it would deprive the rest of us the ability to tell a Bremoaner, “Calm down, dear!” for the pleasure of watching the Bremoan volcano erupt anew.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Ditch the crap

Europe’s Brexit negotiator thinks that we shouldn’t be allowed to cherry pick the bits of the EU we want. Why not? If we’re going shopping, we have a perfect right to reject mouldy oranges and all other sub-standard products. That’s the main reason we’re getting out. And if others think their fellow countrymen and women should accept the garbage, maybe they should get a personal rude awakening.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Desperation Row

The hottest ticket in the West End is allegedly for a show called Hamilton. Lady Hamilton? Lewis Hamilton? Edmond Hamilton, the SF writer? No, its about Alexander Hamilton, who was on the Leave side in the First American Civil War back in the 1770s.
    The production tells his story in hip-hop and R ‘n’ B. Sounds like something to rush away from rather than rush to!

Just clueless

Chinese teams are offering British footballers £30 million deals. Our Foreign Office is giving the Chinese government £3 million of British taxpayers’ money to promote football there, and the FO has no idea if the scheme has any worth, according to one of the stooges working there.
    Needless to say, it’s one of George Osborne’s daft scams for buying himself foreign friends, the way Gordon Brown used to buy friends in Africa with British taxpayers’ money.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Politicians are crazy

The government is smiling on a £1.3 billion tidal lagoon at Swansea, which will produce 48 MW of electricity for a few hours a day costing three times the normal wholesale price with a subsidy.
    A £1 billion gas-fired power station will produce 2,000 MW of electricity all day without needing a subsidy. The government isn’t even thinking about this option.

Sunday, 15 January 2017

FU caused by FT

Why did the pound sink in a Flash Crash last October? Because the Bremoaners @ the Financial Times got into the heads of twitchy traders @ the Bank of International Settlements and in Tokio, and their computer algorithms did the rest.

High horizons, low expectations

We’re being told that the Indian government expects to make a bomb out of the world record 103 satellites, which it hopes to launch next month on a rocket paid for by British aid money.
    One thing we can be sure of is that if the launch is successful, the poor people of India won’t see a red cent of the cash. Not while their government is full of aid-junkies and ours is a gang of mugs with no regard for British taxpayers’ money.

“How do you like your tea, Mr. Steele?”

“Is it with milk, lemon, or polonium?”
    We are being invited to believe that the ex-spy who has been hawking the Trump sex dossier around is now living in fear and trembling of being done in by the Russians. But should we feel any sympathy for the guy?
    Surely, if he was trying to sleaze the rich and the powerful for his own sordid financial gain, he has to accept the consequences of his actions, including becoming collateral damage himself?

Market forces

One of the staff at the Mansion has reported that Sainsbury’s price rises are going to do wonders for his fitness. After noticing that the price of butter has gone up by 50% (!) over the last few months, he is now planning to walk a bit further to his local Aldi when he needs to do some shopping in search of a better deal.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Team Obama cries foul!

The Russians and the CIA have been accused of releasing an absurd sex and blackmail dossier on president-elect Donald Trump as a distraction from outgoing President Obama’s farewell speech to the nation.
    Allies of the Democrats are also getting the blame for creating a distraction from Obama’s lacklustre term in office and his attempt to pretend that, “Yes, we did!”
    As in all good Hollywood productions, there is a British villain of the piece, one C. Steele, an ex-MI6 agent, who did some time at the British embassy in Moscow. Steele was recruited initially by Trump’s Republican rivals, who wanted to sleaze him, and then by the Democrats to do the same job, so charges of being an unreliable witness have some substance.
    Is it possible to muddy the Waters of State further? We’ll see.

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Didn’t go soon enough

I’m currently reading Kennedy’s Ghost by Gordon Stevens, in which one of the characters is a senator with White House ambitions, who has a thing about President Kennedy.
    The only thing that made JFK a presidential hero was that he was killed before he was found out, as all politicians are if they stick around long enough. And just think: if the same had happened to Tony B. Liar in 2000, his bogus millennial year, we might have him as a national hero, in Labour circles at least, of the same magnitude.

What’s the point?

Why does Donald Trump need some female celeb warbling at his inauguration ceremony? He should take the opportunity to boot out the show biz and return some dignity and gravitas to the proceedings.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

You can do anything with computers

We’re being invited to junk the theory that our Moon formed after an impact between the Earth and a Mars-size planetoid in the early days of the solar system, 4.5 billion years ago. Some guys have been playing around with a computer and they’ve found that a Moon-size object can be formed from the rings of debris thrown off the Earth by around 20 small-scale collisions.
    They say the single-impact theory doesn’t work as material brought back from the Moon is essentially the same as rocks found on Earth. But why should that single, Mars-size object be too different from the Earth if it formed in the same region of space out of the same material?
    And after 4.5 billion years of homogenization, how is anyone going to be able to tell what, in an unholy mixture, is original material from planet Earth and what came from the assailant?

Monday, 9 January 2017

Real Quandry

Labour’s deputy leader, the repellent T. Watson, has blamed his party’s lack of a position on the free movement of people in Europe on the Tories. According to Watson, if the Labour party doesn’t know what the Tory position is, it can’t be expected to know how to be against it.

Not our fault

If the Russians are to blame for Donald Trump’s victory in the US presidential election, that lets the Democraps off the hook for fielding a candidate as unelectable as Hillary Clinton. Phew! With one bound, they become blameless!

Sunday, 8 January 2017

Pragmatic solutions

Fixing potholes is now costing the nation £1 billion/month. Which is the amount of money DfID blows on overseas aid – which gives us an excellent opportunity to do something useful for Britain.
    We should close down DfID for a year for a complete review of everything it is doing to ensure that the British taxpayer is getting Value For Money; and use the pause to create pothole-free roads here; with the proviso that any repairs which do not last a reasonable length of time have to be redone at the expense of those who ‘fixed’ them in the first place.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

The true truth

The CIA, clearly in the pockets of the Democratic party, claims it has proof that Russia interfered in the US presidential election on the orders of Vlad the Putin to ensure a Trump victory and do themselves a favour. Which conveniently ignores a more compelling interpretation; namely that the Russkies did the world a favour by saving it from the corruption and nest-feathering which would inevitably follow having the Clintons back in the White House.

Friday, 6 January 2017

This is what ice shelves do

We have been informed that an iceberg the size of Wales, or one-quarter the size of Wales, depending on the degree of hysteria involved, is about to break away from an ice shelf off the coast of Antarctica. The good news is that there are no claims that the not-so-Great Global Warming Swindle is involved or that some major disaster will accompany the event.
    In fact, the whole thing is pretty much a non-event on a global scale, even though it might look a bit spectacular on the spot. The planet has survived millions of similar events and it will survive millions more in the future. And we in the northern hemisphere would never have known it was about to happen had it not been on the TV news.

Global Forecast Failure

There’s something going on at the Bank of England. Why else would the chief economist admit that its forecasts are as reliable as BBC weather forecasts, like the hurricane that never was in 1987, which killed 20 people and caused £1.5 Billion in damage? The BoE’s failure to spot that there would be a major financial crisis 8 years ago; because banks were buying and selling packages containing toxic loans, which they didn’t understand; is being compared in magnitude to the hurricane.
    Similarly, the BoE’s part in all the dire forecasts of disaster in the event of a Brexit vote is being compared to the BBC’s promise of a Barbeque Summer in 2009, which was rained off. The Bank’s failure confirms that the guff output by its boss, M. Carney, was more to do with politics than economics. But why is a top man at the Bank pointing that out? Is it the first rumbling of a putsch against the overpaid and overblown Carney?

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Our cash, our record

The Indian government is standing by to send an email to the Guinness Book of Records if a satellite launch mission planned for next month succeeds. If all goes well, a rocket will blast off from Sriharikota spaceport in the south of India carrying a record-breaking 103 satellites.
    Reality check: as the British taxpayer will be funding the mission via our foreign aid programme, which coughed up over £250 million to India last year, any record set rightly belongs to us.

No, me neither

We’re supposed to be thrilled by the revelation that Prince Harry has met the father of Megan Merkel, his divorcee current popsie. But what we’d all really like to know is if Megan has introduced the prince to her mother, Angela.

No sort of advert, really

Direct Line really needs to get a new advertising agency. We keep getting the TV ad in which the hen party’s car is hit by a couple of “wiseguys” and the cheap hood from the insurance company asks the “wiseguys” if they’re with Direct Line.
    On receiving a negative, he tells them: “On your bike, Buster!” instead of coming back with something like: “Don’t you think you should be?”
    Clearly, no one has told the morons running Direct Line that the way to get new customers is to offer encouragement instead of derision from a cheap hood.

Sounds like profiteering

Why would anyone pay €55 for a copy of the official state-annotated version of Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s out-of-copyright prison memoir? Apparently, most of the people who bought the 85,000 copies are academics, so they were able to put it on their expenses.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

So what?

“Scarborough is 20 miles from Kirby Misperton, a village where fracking has been allowed.” This gem appeared in a story about Scarborough feeling a Richter 3.9 earthquake, which occurred 100 miles away in the North Sea. What’s the connection between fracking and an earthquake in the North Sea? Apart from none.
    Looks like there is now an unwritten rule of journalism to the effect that every mention of earthquakes (the story above got the number experienced per year by the British Isles ever so slightly underestimated by a factor of 500) has to include a reference to fracking, no matter how irrelevant.

Tell ’em any old garbage

There’s a German shampoo which gives your hair a shot of caffeine. So why not just pour a cup of tea or coffee onto it? That would certainly be cheaper and have just as much effect. This is the sort of advertising tripe the expression BFD was created to service.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017


The boozy head of the European Commission has advised other states not to follow Britain’s example and hold a referendum on EU membership. “It is not wise to hold this kind of debate,” opined Juncker the Cluncker, the former head of pan-EU tax swindling in Luxembourg. Which is just Eurospeak for, “The voters will only pick the Leave option and put me out of a job.”

Monday, 2 January 2017

Stop meddling; or else!

Senior Tories have ordered the prime minister to threaten the Lords with a bloodbath if they try to block Brexit. The options available include a huge cut in the bloated ranks of these parasites and a severe reduction in their powers, or even total abolition and the creation of an alternative institution, which will perform the original function of the Lords: scrutiny and revision.

“We don’t kno nuffink, okay?”

The alleged Ministry of Justice, headed by L. Truss, is being very cute in its campaign to hide its deficiencies from public scrutiny. It is refusing to answer Freedom of Information questions about the identities of criminal fugitives, whom the police are failing to track down.
    15 murderers, 44 rapists and other sex offenders and 189 criminals with a history of violence are currently enjoying the protection of the MoJ’s cloak of invisibility, along with several thousand lesser offenders.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Not very happy-clappy

In her new year message to the nation, our prime minister tries to be quite upbeat about Brexit. Chancellor Merkel, in contrast, decided that Britain will not face a happy future outside the EU if she has anything to do with it. To which we can only reply: “Up yours, you miserable old German bat!”