Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Sky Sports couldn’t run a whelk stall

Some strong language flying last evening. A TV box set to record some American football highlights was full of pointless repeats because Sky Sports had just discarded the advertised schedule for no good reason. So if there are any ears burning at Sky Sports, they belong to the “effin useless bastards”.

Monday, 30 December 2013

A year’s weather in a day?

We’ve had a bit of almost everything today – gales, heavy rain and some quite spring-like sun. Will it be snowing by evening? I ask myself.

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Job Done!

The chef has been threatening for weeks to unleash his secret recipe which, he assured us, will make sprouts the highlight of the Xmas mega-lunch. And, by golly, he managed it. People took a very cautious helping with all the turkey, goose and trimmings, and they were back for seconds. Will the super-sprout recipe be the HUGE success story of 2014?

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Lockdown

Given the dire warnings about weather, we’re in what is probably an unnecessary state of siege at the Mansion. Anything that could be picked up and blown around by the wind has been tided away, we have a mass of food and drink and we even have enough emergency generating power in our personal power plant to withstand disconnection from the national grid for a few months. And we’re on too high ground to be troubled by floods. If you’re going to be ready for anything, it’s always better to be over-prepared. Merry Xmas. Or as merry as you can manage.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Keeping his word

Simon Hughes (Liberal-Democrat) vowed last year that he wouldn't take another government job. Suddenly, he's Justice Minister. Nice to see a person of such integrity in such a responsible job.

Such sensitivity

There’s an interesting argument in today’s Daily Disaster. The police on the scene didn’t gun down the murderers of Fusilier Lee Rigby because they were afraid of another police-involved killing inquiry and they were afraid that it would give the Moslem community in Woolwich an excuse to riot.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

No continuity

Apparently, people are tipping tradespeople less and less. But a lot of that has to do with never meeting them, like the binmen who rush around with wheeled bins at the front rather than banging dustbins back to your back yard. And postmen. Most of my minions report that it seems to be someone different at every delivery. So if the tradesmen don’t get a tip, it’s because no one knows who they are.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Global warming strikes again!

The Earth’s magnetic poles are famous for wandering about and causing problems for navigators. And they have become yet another victim of the Great Global Warming Swindle. Melting and re-freezing of Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets causes the planet to wobble slightly as it rotates on its axis, and the wobbles cause the position of the magnetic pole to move. Increased melting caused by global warming is being blamed for making the magnetic poles move around more than usual. Of course, everyone knows that global warming stopped in 1998. But hey, why let a few facts get in the way of a good tale?

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Total waste of time

Everyone seems to be complaining about the amount of taxpayers’ cash the BBC has thrown at its Mandelamania campaign. But the point is, will anyone get the sack for misconduct in office? As the answer to that is always going to be a resounding NO!, it’s all sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Friday, 13 December 2013

What do we have to frighten us today?

According to some fun guys in Denmark, the universe could suddenly get super-dense and collapse into a “small, super-hot and heavy ball.” Higgs bosons are at the back of it. So make sure you enjoy your Xmas. It could be your last!!

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Direct Action needed

After going bust through dealing with packages of unaffordable mortgages, and swindling customers out of billions with dodgy PPI insurance, Lloyds Bank has been fined £28 million for swindling even more customers with worthless investments. Which suggests that what we as a nation need to do is round up everyone who was on the board of a major bank, or in top management, from 2005 on, export them to Romania and make them live in a hovel at their own expense for 5 years. It might not reform them but at least it would give the British public a rest from their criminal activities, which seem to have no consequences for them. And anyone who pleads innocence should be informed that he or she is guilty of consorting with criminals, and aiding and abetting them, and just as guilty.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Am I surprised? Nope!

I’ve often suspected that the people who are superimposed at the edge of a BBC News picture are just waving their arms around rather than doing real sign language. And it turns out that the bloke who was on the stage while the world’s leaders were performing for the Mandelafest at the World Cup stadium was doing just that: messing about and keeping his face straight.

Monday, 9 December 2013

One rule for them, another for the rest of us

I’ve just been reading in the Daily Disaster about a woman who has prevented her husband from seeing their daughter for 12 years despite 82 court orders demanding that he be given access. So why isn’t she in gaol for contempt of court? Or doesn’t that apply to women?

Saturday, 7 December 2013

They had it coming!

You have to wonder about the mentality of a gang of thieves, who stole a truck containing radioactive waste from a hospital, and took the radioactive stuff out of its protective casing, exposing themselves to its deadly rays enough to need hospital treatment. Still, if they were glowing in the dark, it must have made it easy for the police to arrest them. Assuming anyone was brave enough to get close enough to put handcuffs on them!

Friday, 6 December 2013

It makes you think!

No apologies for swiping this from my favourite website: “Wiseguys in the meeja are fond of asking Cameron ‘n’ Clegg if they’ve ever taken drugs, but they never ask the same question of Red Ed Milipede. Does that mean they assume he has to be on something to be the way he is?”

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Hardly worth the effort

I read with interest that some American genius has designed a DIY cellphone with a wooden chassis, which can be built for $200. Which seems like rather a lot of wasted effort when you realize that second-hand phones are available on eBay for ten quid!

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Should cause some trouble!

I was watching some American football on 4 on Demand and time was running out in the first half. So a coach called a time out. And I wondered why they don’t let change the rules to let the opposing coach call “time back in again” by sacrificing one of his time-outs? It would cause a lot of frustration and crazy plays at the end of a close match. Just a thought.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Not good enough

Ed Balls’ latest revelation to the nation is that he has never taken drugs. To which the automatic response is: “Prove it, you blighter!” Because this shifty politician's record for telling the truth, which is there for all to see, is such that no one in his right mind would take his unsupported word for anything.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

What were they up to?

A thing I find odd is that no one has said what that police helicopter was doing before it fell on the pub in Glasgow. We see them occasionally in our area, and they always seem to be swanning around fairly aimlessly. I now feel like petitioning our local police chief to make the Estate a no-fly zone.

Saturday, 30 November 2013

They’ll always get it

“Greedy Bankers still don’t get it”, screamed the headline in the Daily Disaster. Wrong. As the story explained, they’re still getting huge wads of bonus cash. And what the government is failing to do is get compensation from their employers for the havoc they wrought.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Oh, well, that makes it all okay

According to the Squeaker of the House of Commons, MPs stole from the taxpayer with expenses swindles only because they were bored and feeling left out of things. Which means that MPs are the sort of people who turn to crime rather than looking for something constructive to do. No wonder the country is in such a mess.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

New name, same scandal

I see that Plebgate has now been renamed Plodgate now that the Can’t Prosecute Service has decided it can’t stop coppers fitting up anyone they like and getting away with it.

More cash down the drain

How comforting to know that the DVLA employs gangs of people, who screen number plate combinations for imaginary offensive stuff. And which idiot reckons that 14 can be made to look like 1 or A? SO63OMY is in the eye of the beholder. Likewise AL14LAH. But it’s only public money that’s being wasted.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Plebgate whitewash

I wonder how many millions of pounds were spent on the year-long “investigation” into how the former Tory chief whip Andrew Mitchell was stitched up by the police? All of them wasted with the usual bucket of whitewash thrown over the whole business. Makes you proud to be British.

Monday, 25 November 2013

They do it all the time

Some mysterious company/person is getting on at Sainsbury’s for removing Typhoo tea from their shelves. Which sounds like an excellent idea, given that Sainsbury’s have a long history of stopping stocking things that people want just to annoy the customers.

You could see that coming

All the Labour Eds have been playing the victim card for all they are worth, claiming their Co-op Bank antics are nothing but smears invented by the Tories. Now, the Rev. Flowers is doing it. No one is to blame for nuffink. He’ll be wanting a peerage next.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Waste is the EU way

“We’re spending money we don’t have on a problem that doesn’t exist at the behest of people we didn’t elect.” – D. Carswell, MP, on the EU’s grab of an extra £1.5 billion from the British taxpayer to blow on climate change aid which won’t make a blind bit of difference.

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Water off a duck’s back, mate!

N. Clegg (Liberal, especially with taxpayers’ cash) thinks that people who want Britain to leave the EU are unpatriotic. But is anyone going to be bothered about being called names by a Quisling, who can’t say anything bad about the EU because it would cost him money?

Friday, 22 November 2013

Universal ban

The European Union, and its stooges in the British government, are planning to ban the sale of anything which can be used in explosive devices. Alternatively, anyone who wants to buy things like hydrogen peroxide for dyeing hair, or acetone for removing nail varnish will have to pay for a licence. If the politicians get their way, expect washing up liquid to be added to the list of things needing a licence, as it can be used to make a form of napalm, and sawdust, which is an essential component of home-made dynamite, and everything else they think they can get away with.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

It’s never in proportion

So the Rev. Flowers, formerly of the Co-op bank and formerly the best mate of E. Balls and E. Milipede, has been exposed as an expenses swindler? No wonder he was so at home in the Labour party, whose former Europe Minister, D. MacShane, is about to go to gaol for the same thing. He got away with only £13,000 whilst Flowers is alleged to have collected £150,000. So is Flowers likely to go to gaol for 12 times longer than MacShane? Or is he likely ever to grace one of Her Majesty’s custodial establishments? Probably not.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Who are the biggest crooks?

It seems to be a toss-up between the nation’s criminals and the police force managers, who think they have a divine right to make serious crimes vanish into thin air to meet targets for making the crime rate shrink. Naturally, no one is going to be arrested for fraud.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Gaze firmly averted

Under New Labour, the defunct Financial Services Authority cleared a coke- and meth-head to become the chairman of the Co-op bank, even though he had zero banking experience. Which almost makes you understand how Gordon Brown, the ruinator of the British economy, came to be touted as a future head of the International Monetary Fund.

Monday, 18 November 2013

It makes you wonder

Hardly a night goes by without someone asking for £3 a month to keep some endangered animal alive – a creature which is about to go extinct in the wild. But not extinct. It’s now fashionable for rich young men in the Gulf states to own a lion or a cheetah as a status symbol. And there are more tigers in private collections in the United States than in the Indian sub-continent. Which kind of puts the appeals into perspective.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

What does the Coalition’s Green Deal mean to the taxpayer?

A loft insulation job worth £1,200 costs the taxpayer £2,700 after the cost of the government’s red tape has been added on. And the power companies, which were allowed to put their bills up to pay for insulation and boiler swaps, have raked in £870 million but only done work worth £420 million. So it’s a nice little earner for them.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Science comment of the Year

Question: How do you get rid of Daleks?
Answer: Get Prof. Brian Cox to bore them to death!
    Seen in yesterday’s Daily Mail TV review column

Friday, 15 November 2013

Oh, no!

The world is going to end on 22nd February next year, according to the Vikings. So everybody rush round to help me spend all my money before that happens. Please!

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Some swindles are as old as the hills

Am I surprised to hear that sweet manufacturers are putting less in a box of Xmas chocs, which stays the same size and the same price? Of course, not. They’ve been doing it for years. I remember the row when they took one Rollo out of the packet but kept the price the same. And Mars bars used to be twice the size they are now. Less for More has always been the rule in the food industry.

Some people are easily surprised

Was I surprised to hear that young people have no idea where to find a local branch of their bank? Nope. I used to have a local branch, but the bank closed it years ago – “for the convenience of its customers” – and I’ve had to use the internet and the Post Office every since. In fact, the bank misses me a whole lot more than I miss it. It keeps sending me letters full of elementary mistakes telling me that someone has been trying to contact me (not true) but hasn’t managed it, so would I kindly drop in at my local branch, or any branch in the country, so that they can discuss my financial state and try to sell me products which I don’t need.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Wrong, after all

You get the feeling that the Universe does work sometime when the papers dig up a piece of research like this. After years of strident badgering by the free-range lobby, a study has found that chickens living in cages indoors are less stressed and less pecked than their free-range counterparts, who run around in a pack outdoors.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

It’s good to have quick-thinking friends!

I liked the story about the Scottish golfer, who was attacked by a crocodile on a golf course in Mexico. He survived because a friend kept running over the beast in a golf buggy until it let go of him. Apparently, the course has a history of croc attack, but there are no warning signs – presumably because they would be bad for business.

Monday, 11 November 2013

It’s only taxpayers’ cash again

It comes as no surprised to learn that the Tory MP who sets world records with his expenses has been exposed as a swindler. N. Zahawi has been sticking the taxpayer with bills for things like heating his riding stables and a mobile home. All as a result of an complete oversight, of course; strange how these things never happen in the taxpayer’s favour. All of which explains why Mr. Zahawi is so keen to bring in Press censorship.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

It’s only taxpayers’ cash

The government has just admitted that use of coal-fired power station soared last winter. This was mainly because low wind speeds meant that wind farms were unable to generate power. So having 25% more turbines cost the nation a lot of money but delivered zero benefit to the country. Which is pretty much the definition of government, come to think of it.

Same old story

I happened to catch a programme featuring Prof. Brian Cox yesterday: Can we make a star on Earth? Prof. Cox was pretending that generating power from fossil fuels is causing dangerous warming of the planet (which is isn't). As none of the alternatives; wind, solar, biomass, etc.; can bridge the gap, he asked what about nuclear fusion? Which was the Next Big Thing in the 1970s but things went very quiet on that front decades ago. He visited a laser-fusion experiment with a target of a result in 2-3 years (i.e. in 2011 – so what happened to it?) He also visited a team hoping to create fusion using plasma. But results are not expected for decades. Pretty much the same story as in the 1970s.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Sounds like a silly question to me

The question of the day is: Are mutant super-rats taking over the Commons? We are told that the management of the Parliament building is spending over £6,000/month on the pests but they are feared to be poison-resistant. Which indicates that something more drastic is needed to cut the numbers of thieving scroungers – like small, tactical neutron bombs?

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Paid to oblige

It comes as no surprise to hear that some forensic accounting on the case for the government’s H2S rail link has made the wheels come off. The accountants were paid (taxpayers’ cash) to come up with BIG benefits. The only problem is that they got overly creative with their statistics to generate a profit of £16 Billion. But that’s politics all over. The taxpayer is screwed and the politicians come up with a load of hot air.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Just how gullible do they think we are?

DfID, the department for shoving British taxpayers’ cash into the pockets of dictators and spivs, would have us believe that we made no contribution at all to India’s launch of a Mars orbiter. But it they hadn’t received the cash, they wouldn’t have been able to afford a space programme. So DfID is lying again.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Scroungers’ Charter

It seems that 340 out of 655 MPs think they have the right to stick the taxpayer with the bill for heating and lighting their 2nd home on expenses. And some of them are demanding thousands of pounds – four times the average punter’s bill in one case – because they have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and an underdeveloped sense of decency. So much for public service.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Another reversal of fortunes

How wonderful it is that the latest research has shown that butter is better for you than all the polyunsaturates in the artificial concoctions the “health food” industry has been trying to foist off on us for years.

Stick him in gaol!

Failed prime minister Gordon Brown is now claiming to be an ex-politician. As he’s still a Member of Parliament, and drawing a salary from the taxpayer, shouldn’t the Old Bill be heading round to his gaff to feel his collar for fraud?

Saturday, 2 November 2013

It’s a start

A writer book, no doubt trying to remind everyone about his latest book, has complained that all they taught his kids about at school were the Nazis and global warming. He should count himself lucky that he found a school which actually taught them something!

That’s okay, then

His mates describe the bloke who went on the rampage and shot up L.A. airport as a “nice guy”. Which makes everything all right, doesn’t it?

Me neither

Did you find any cash in the envelope in today’s Daily Mail? One of my relatives, who wishes to remain anonymous, believes that you will get some cash only if you are related to the editor!

Friday, 1 November 2013

No, we’ll just carry on

Will we be cancelling Bonfire Night because the fire brigade is going on strike this weekend? No, because we’re having our bonfire party next Tuesday, on November 5th, and we have our own arrangements anyway.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

And justice for all?

Journalists and newspaper managers on trial (for the next 6 months) for phone hacking – 8

Politicians on trial for doing the same on an industrial scale to the world’s leaders – 0.

Another New Labour reward for failure – 700 Grand

When Baby Peter was murdered under the noses of Harringey council’s social services dept. and the police, there was the usual attempted cover up and the government minister responsible, Ed Balls, sacked the head of the social services as a political gesture. Which has come back to bite the taxpayer to the tune of the £700,000 that Sharon Shoesmith has been awarded for unfair dismissal.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Beware the Bag For Life

Tree-huggers want to ban plastic bags (rather than oblige shoppers to use them more sensibly) and they favour reuseable hessian bags as a substitute. How apt, therefore, that some professor has run swabs over typical Bags For Life and found them loaded to the gunwales with enough bacteria to kill the population of a medium-size city in a couple of days.

Monday, 28 October 2013

One up for the good guys

We seem to have survived the Fairly Great Storm in good shape. In fact, we might even have come out a little bit ahead. My estate manager has been in negotiations with the local cowboys over felling some trees, which were getting a bit old and ratty and unsafe. Only they kept quoting regulations from the ‘Elf & Safety Nazis at him and quoting in the thousands. But it turns out that all of the dangerous trees fell over in the storm, and could be chopped up on the ground. There is a hint of suspicion that they might have had a little help in the falling over department, but it never does any good to go too deeply into these matters.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

One for the good guys!!

A bogus psychic National Express bus driver has actually been sacked for refusing to pick up some schoolchildren in Dundee because he had a premonition that something bad would happen. Surprise! The something bad turned out to be an employer who wouldn’t tolerate an employee who refused to do the job he was being paid to do.

Hatches battened down

We’re all ready for the great storm forecast for Monday. Everything that could fly around is put away and our insurances are up to date. All we need now is some Michael Fish going on TV to assure us it won’t be 1987 all over again. Or even 1703.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Who gets the blame when the lights go out?

New Labour’s geniuses, Blair ‘n’ Brown, spent 13 years in office but made no attempt to replace ageing power generation plants with new ones. They were too busy getting us into foreign wars and preparing to feather their own nests. New Labour let the EU close down perfectly good, always-on, coal-fired power plants on specious environmental grounds and wish on-only-if-the-wind-blows windmills on us. Ed Miliband loaded the British public with bogus green taxes as part of Labour’s policy of doubling energy prices in a decade. I think it’s clear enough.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Another example of the obvious, or Selection Works

How surprising that a study has found that the collapse in British educational standards is all down to the decision of the trendy-lefties to abolish grammar schools in the 1970s. Competition is bad, they said, and teaching children in groups of the same ability level is also bad, the lefties claimed. So we’ll dumb down the syllabus, introduce trendy teaching methods in comprehensive schools and go in for grade inflation in the hope that no one notices that standards are dropping. And that’s why Brits aged over 55 can out-perform people of the same age in other countries whilst current school leavers can’t match their grandparents in terms of literacy, numeracy and problem-solving skills.

Money Conquers Hassle

My “Windows 8" employee has a new strategy for dealing with his situation. If he finds Windows 8 too annoying, he plans to buy a new laptop (same specification, different manufacturer, Windows 7 installed) and use a sledge hammer to pound the W8 laptop to bits, which he will take to the council recycling centre and hurl into the appropriate skip – filming himself all the while. His next step will be to put the video on FaceTube in the hope that it will go viral and make him some cash. Sounds like a good plan!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

By-pass

My “Windows 8" employee has reached a compromise with his laptop. When it has booted up, he clicks on the “Desktop” panel on the Start page and arrives at a place with a fair fraction of Windows 7's utilities. What he is hoping to do next is find some way to neutralize the Windows keys to prevent them from popping up the unwanted Start page. And he also plans to do something about the totally crap colour scheme wished on him by Windows 8. It’s revolting!

Monday, 21 October 2013

Rotten swindle

Still much discontent in the MotoGP community at the mansion over the way Marquez was swindled out of the race yesterday. Totally bogus, is the concensus.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

What a horrible mess!

One of the staff has had to “upgrade” his laptop to Windows 8 because of driver problems. He asked me if I felt like doing the same. No way! That start window is total rubbish. Full of baby-size panels of apps and crapps that no one in his right mind would every use. No access to help, control panel, other programs; in fact everything you’d normally find by clicking the START button – which, in Windows 8, takes you to this appalling mess. It’s so bad that there’s no obvious way to switch the machine off. (Other than using the power button, that is.)
      You’re just dumped at this horrible interface with no explanation and no instructions for doing basic tasks. A PC which used to be easy to use with Windows 7 is suddenly totally useless. It’s like being dropped in the middle of Shanghai with no road map and no Chinese dictionary.
      So there’s no way I’m ever going to move on past Windows 7 unless Microsoft makes its Windows interface work again. What a load of rubbish version 8 is!

Saturday, 19 October 2013

TV bollux of the day

Heard on the lunchtime news: The violin played by the leader of the band on the Titanic was returned to his fiancée, and it’s up for auction today “after passing through countless generations” of the family. Countless? Since 1912? They must be really thick at the BBC.

Friday, 18 October 2013

Nothing like a politician for being unoriginal

Put on a woolly jumper, if you’re feeling cold and you can’t afford to pay the government’s bogus green stealth taxes, says Dave the Leader. It’s something HM the Queen has been saying and doing for years, but no chance of Dave acknowledging his source, of course.

Common sense is extinct in the NHS

Doctors are now being ordered to be especially nice to fat people and not attach any blame to them for their size. So it would appear that the bit of the Hippocratic Oath that obliges them to “do no harm” has been suspended, and they can’t tell fatties that if they don’t change their ways, they’ll die early in case it hurts the fat person’s feelings. How very New Labour.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The stitch-up expands

Which is more depressing – that the police stitch people up or that they do such a bad job of it? Three Police Federations reps.; an inspector and 2 sergeants; from the West Mercia “service” called on sacked Tory chief whip Andrew Mitchell at his constituency office to discuss the Plebgate frame-up. Then, the IPCC has found, they lied about what was said and an investigation by their own “service” whitewashed them. What a terrible shame, then, that Mr. Mitchell had a recording to frustrate their knavish tricks. Will there be prosecutions and sackings? Joke!

“Not me Gov.” implied

Birmingham council was blasted by the boss of Ofsted for having diabolical children’s services. So a council mouthpiece replied that what was needed is improvement rather than further diagnosis. With the sub-text that the last people you can expect to make the improvements are the officials and members of the council.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Things to jazz up your CV

You probably couldn’t do better than the lady who has just become the president of the RSPB. She’s into collecting road kill and thinking up new recipes for it.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

The last people who deserve a say

Should politicians be allowed to say how newspapers are regulated? Of course, not. Politicians lie and get the country into illegal wars. Politicians steal from the taxpayer via their expenses then get shamelessly indignant when the newspapers expose their abuses. The only reason why politicians want to control the Press is to be able to cover up their own blunders and criminality, and do the same for friends who will give them money and/or do them favours.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

All pals together

Is anyone surprised that the BBC had a big go at the Daily Mail and blacked out criticism of the Grauniad and its aid and comfort for terrorists? After all, they’re all out of the same leftie-luvvie box.

Friday, 11 October 2013

It’s all a bit of a waste of time, really

The Tories seem to be ganging up on a pushy back-bencher, who wants to shove a clause forcing a 2014 referendum into a private member’s Bill, which promises a referendum on staying in the EU in 2017. They want him to drop his amendment in case the Bill is lost. But the big problem is that no one trusts Dave to hold the referendum if he’s still PM in 2017, and if Labour or a Labour/Liberal coalition is in charge, they’ll find some way to kill off the referendum anyway. So its all more of the usual hot air.

1 and 1 = zero

One of my staff has been having problems with the host of his website. 1&1 Internet Ltd. presents itself as a major player in the website hosting world, and even advertises on TV, but its services come rather cheap. My minion found out why: there’s no customer support department to speak of. And the only way to make them respond to emails is to keep on bombarding every department; billing, sales, etc., with requests for help until someone is shamed into replying.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Yet another daft gadget

Some Swedish bloke had invented a “death watch”,which gives people a count-down to a predicted date and time of death. He claims it will help customers to make the most of what time they have left. So are you allowed to sue him if you blow your last quid one second before your time is up, you don’t die and you discover that the original prediction was a load of old rubbish?

Monday, 7 October 2013

Political sales are always a disaster

The government is selling off shares in Royal Mail at £3.30 even though they are expected to leap to £4.50 when they hit the stock market. The outcome looks like it will be a calamity in the vein of Gordon Broon’s bog-up of selling off our gold reserves when he became Chancellor. The present Chancellor took advice of Goldman Sachs and UBS. As both companies were fined hundreds of millions of dollars for misleading investors during the US housing market meltdown, it would seem that the government has a case for sueing them for any shortfall for the taxpayer, and for the taxpayer to sue the Chancellor for taking advice from firms with such a dodgy track record.

It’s obvious, really

Why was a Libyan Al Kaida terrorist at the top of America’s Most Wanted list given asylum in Manchester? Because they expected him to vote Labour.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

The trouble with Global Warming Swindlers . . .

. . . is that they have an illogical world view, which demands that everything done by Man harms the planet. But every time a power station sends out billows of carbon dioxide and generates power for the local humans, it makes billions of plants happy. Carbon dioxide is food for plants and without plants, humans can’t survive. So only a swindler with his hand in the taxpayer’s pocket would say that carbon dioxide as a very small fraction of our atmosphere is a poison.

Distraction – the last refuge of a scoundrel?

You can tell when a politician is really foundering. The case of E. Milipede, promoted with great progressivist bias and hypocrisy by the BBC, has been done to death. Next thing you know, President O’Bummer is taking issue with the name of the Washington Redskins NFL team. So fixing America’s broken system of governance is clearly not something that needs his full attention. Or is it getting none of it at the moment?

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Is Diversity to be celebrated?

As it is just the Universe messing about, making things more complicated because it can, the answer has to be a resounding NO! Are we better off with a new and more lethal version of the flu virus every year? A whole gang of different weird religions? Dozens of different systems of government? No, of course not. We are just having our time wasted by the distraction of pointless variety.

How contemptible

Everything else has failed, so the leftie-luvvies, including Lord Pillock, are playing the anti-semitism card over the Daily Mail’s criticism of Red Ed Milipede’s caviar commie dad. Contemptible and very predictable.

Friday, 4 October 2013

Thank you, so much!

Something we really have to thank the political correctness mob for is black keyboards, which you can’t use without a reading light if it gets a bit dark or the keyboard is in the shadow of something, and laptops with a black case, which makes USB and other ports a black hole in a black surface and bloody impossible to find without a torch.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

There’s always a reason

Why didn’t Eddie Milipede’s caviar commie dad move to the socialist workers’ paradise in the Soviet Union, especially when Mrs. Thatcher was in charge? Could it be that he was worried they’d make him do some honest toil?

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Typical silly season

Well! The prime monster doesn’t know what a loaf of bog standard supermarket bread costs because he has a bread-making machine. Big deal. Still, it helps to fill up a bit of space between the adverts.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Milibandit Smokescreen

Having covered himself in glory by wiping £3 Billion off the share prices of the Big 2 British energy firms, and having helped to double the price of domestic energy under New Labour, Red Ed now gets himself into an attempt to censor the Daily Mail. And for what? As an attempt to rewrite the history of his caviar communist, dacha-class father, who came to Britain as a refugee and then had the cheek to moan because we’re not a one-party Stalinist paradise.

Sunday, 29 September 2013

More NHS crapola

The morons running the NHS in Scotland have decided to ban a couple of offensive descriptions – “family doctor” and “elderly”. No doubt the genius who made the decision is in line for a big bonus.

Saturday, 28 September 2013

More flim-flam

The United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has issued another of its dodgy dossiers, in which it makes reduced claims in the wake of “mistakes” and outright fraud in previous dossiers. The latest dossier quotes “certainty” levels based on computer models which fail to predict what happens in the real world and continues to make claims that mankind is causing global warming without offering any evidence. The Global Warming Swindlers are also continuing to pretend that some people don’t believe that climate change is real when what people really won’t believe is that taxing carbon dioxide and paying bogus green taxes will have the slightest effect on the Earth’s climate.

A bit late, Dave

D. Cameron would have us believe that he supports marriage, unlike the Liberals, and he’s making good on a promise to give married couples a tax break. But it rings rather hollow if he’s left it to the last month of the very last gasp of the Coalition: April 2015. And everyone knows it was arm-twisting by the real Tories in his party that really made it happen.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Nice one, Ed.

The boy Milipede’s desperate urge to get himself noticed has booted pensioners in the wallet by wiping £2 billion off the value of those members of the Big 6 energy companies, which are listed on the British stock exchange and in pension fund portfolios. It has also reminded everyone that when he was Energy Secretary, Milipede’s bogus green taxes helped New Labour to double the price of gas and electricity. And also that his plan to cap energy prices would be illegal under EU rules, so it was all just hot air for the comrades.

Unanswered questions

The boy Miliband’s allegation that this is the slowest recovery from economic catastrophe in 100 years invites the observation that if things are improving exceedingly slowly, the New Labour government, of which old Milipede was the Energy Minister and responsible for all sorts of bogus green taxes, must have done a spectacular job of trashing the British economy. We are also left wondering: “How often has the Labour party trashed the British economy?” and “Will be economy be fixed before another Labour government starts trashing it again?”

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Desperation tactic

What do you do when everyone thinks you’re hopeless and no one takes you seriously? Red Ed Milipede chose to come up with the biggest load of commie fanny he could manage and unloaded it on his party conference. Natch, it will all be forgotten by the time the next general election comes around, so it’s a wonder he didn’t toss in a promise to annex the Sudetenland as extra building land.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

This takes the biscuit

Is there anyone in the country who believes that E. Ballsup had no idea what the sleaze doctor D. McBride was doing for Wee Gordie Broon? Not even Ballsup himself. So why tell the lie? Must be a sign of a deep-seated psychological flaw.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Not me, Gov!

Dave the Leader lost a lot of support from Real Tories by wasting time and money on shoving homosexual marriage through Parliament. But relief is in sight. The Milibandits are now claiming it was all their doing, so Dave can look innocent and pretend he was nowhere near the disaster when it happened.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Bang! One foot, one bullet in it!

A school in Cumbria thought it would be really cute to have a turf eco-roof and be terribly green. Unfortunately, bugs bred in the turf, they invaded the school and started biting the kids, and the school is now shut so that the bugs can be exterminated.

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Grows on trees, doesn’t it?

The government plans to ban smoking in prisoners to stop spivs making compensation claims for imaginary effects of passive smoking. So that’s £11,000,000 of taxpayers’ cash to be spent on nicotine patches. And as that’s just the cost of treating the current prison population, there will be more and more millions needed for new convicts and back-sliders. But the taxpayer has a bottomless pocket, right?

Another weird judge

The decision by Judge K. Cutler to ordered a 20-second silence during the inquest on a dead gangster raised some interesting issues. It suggests that Mark Duggan, a member of one of Britain’s worst gangs, wasn’t worth the traditional full minute. Cynics are also suggesting that he wouldn’t even have got the 20 seconds if he had been white.

Friday, 20 September 2013

How to please no one

Surprise! Even theGrauniad, which launched a war against the News of the World on a lie – just like Tony B. Liar’s war on Iraq, thinks that Lord Leveson’s inquiry into Press regulation is the worst of all worlds and a charter for people with dodgy claims (like the ones that got the NotW closed?) and ambulance-chasing lawyers. Which just goes to show; you don’t always get what you pay for.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

One with the dinosaurs

By choosing to focus his attention on trivialities, like same-sex marriage, Dave the Leader has reduced the membership of the Tory party by about one-half over the last eight years. If he remains in charge, the Tories will be extinct by 2021.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Which is it?

One minute, we’re being told there’s a property bubble, which will be disastrous for the economy and savers need to be swindled even more. The next, we’re told the bubble is just an illusion. Will the swindlers at Westminster kindly get their story straight?

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

It’s only taxpayers’ money

The 43 police “services” in England and Wales do the taxpayers the “service” of wasting £500 million of their equipment budget but refusing to organize national equipment purchasing. The prices they pay for pieces of equipment can vary by 400% and they can’t even decide how many pockets a police uniform should have.

Monday, 16 September 2013

Brilliant idea

The jobsworths running Rochdale council want the residents to recycle more. So their resident genius has come up with the idea of telling the binmen to look in all the recycle bins and give people a red tag if they find the wrong sort of refuse in the bin. Which is a typical public sector waste of money. It annoys the residents and it will annoy the binmen even more if they are slowed down and they don’t get a pay rise in compensation. Which will annoy the residents even more, having to pay more for a worse service. But hey, that’s what councils are all about.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Going, not to be missed much?

The RSPCA is on the verge of becoming an endangered species thanks to the insistence of the management on running politically motivated campaigns of persecution and prosecution. Donors have been turned off and it could be just a question of time before the charitable status goes bump.

Face saved for the moment

President O’Bummer’s deal with the Putinocracy has done both leaders a big favour. O’Bummer has avoided a Cameron-style defeat in Congress and Putin still has his client dictator in place and able to buy more guns & bomb for his war with the world’s worst Islamistas and others.

Friday, 13 September 2013

The grabbing goes on

Dave the leader promised that he would “cut the cost of politics” by getting to grips with MPs’ expenses. As a result, more of them are giving family members “jobs” at fancy, taxpayer-funded salaries and the total bill has gone up by 7% in the last year.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

We must be told

This champagne socialist from Brazil who decided she has a mission to rewrite Britain’s benfits rules: are we going to be told how many Brazilian refugees she interviewed during her Grand Tour? Because there’s about a quarter of a million of them hiding here instead of enjoying the lack of benefits and the slums in Brazil.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

The Kerry Gaffe or the Kerry Ploy?

Did US Secretary of State John Kerry really goof when he suggested that taking Syria’s Weapons of Mass Destruction into UN custody would relieve the need to bomb the Assad regime back to the Stone Age? It got President O’Bummer off the hook with Congress. No need to lose a vote there now.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Even worse

There seems to be a big backlash against Prince Andrew in the meeja, which are trying to make out that he’s the rudest person on the planet. But if that is so, it makes the conduct of the two coppers who threatened him with guns even more heinous. Not talking the trouble to acquaint themselves with details of who at the Palace is likely to kick up the biggest stink if challenged just makes their neglect of duty all the more serious.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Why do only idiots get guns?

Coppers with guns at his family home, who didn’t know who Prince Andrew was and started screaming at him to lie down while waving their weapons at him. A pest control “expert” who shot a dog on a golf course thinking it was a rabbit. It makes you wonder.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Some education called for?

Now that the affair has been covered up, the union Unite seems to think its members, who were accused of receiving the benefit of rigged voting in the Falkirk parliamentary constituency, are innocent of all wrong-doing. Clearly, Unite is refusing to grasp the difference between innocent and “the evidence was made to go away”.

Some demotions called for?

“Buckingham Palace has the best security in the world”, we are led to believe. Which makes it doubly difficult to understand how a couple of intruders can just stroll in and lark about. Sounds like we need an anti-bonus system in place to provide a negative reward for complacency and failure to do the job staff are paid to do.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Computers are endless aggro!

I’ve just been dealing with another spot of aggro from a newish computer. The first problem was the extended warranty. The website registered the laptop okay but it refused to recognize the activation code that came with the printed document, and it got the base warranty dates wrong. The whole mess had to be sorted out via emails to Lenovo. The latest bit of aggro was that internet access suddenly vanished. It turned out that the ZoneAlarm “free” firewall and antivirus had decided that its subscription had run out, it wanted to renew it and the only way that was possible was by going on-line. But ZoneAlarm was blocking access to the internet! The only solution to the problem turned out to be to boot ZoneAlarm into touch completely and install alternatives for anti-virus and firewall. So that was more time wasted on messing about, which could have been used for something much better.

Just typical!

The green shoots of recovery are barely breaking out of the ground and the fatcat bosses of the trade unions are already going strike-happy.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

We did see this one coming

If you want proof that people don’t get smarter the longer the human race manages to keep going, just bookmark one of the newspaper stories about people driving like idiots into the major shunt at the Sheppey crossing this morning despite thick fog.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Should have seen it coming

Will the architect of the Walkie-Talkie Tower in London, and the outfit constructing it, be arrested for creating a public nuisance? You’d certainly expect that to happen if someone deliberately builds a concave solar-collector as the south-facing side of a new building and proceeds to melt cars parked at its focus and set fire to shop fittings in the street below. But we are talking about the world of big business.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

How can it still be so?

The British public spent a collective 8,000 years listening to bad music on hold on the government’s premium-rate phone lines last year. But they’re still telling us the country is broke, despite making a TON of money out of this scam.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Even dictators can show common sense

I rarely agree with Tsar Putin of all the Russias, but when he said it’s ridiculous for the US government to claim it has evidence that the Syrian regime used chemical weapons, but no one else can see the evidence because it’s secret, he hit the nail squarely on the head.

Classic!

President O’Bummer lines up with the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, rattles his sabre furiously then suddenly decides to get Congress to share the blame instead of being 100% responsible for bombing Syria back to the Stone Age. As a result, nothing happens.

Saturday, 31 August 2013

So what?

Does anybody really care that President O’Bummer has cosied up to the French as his new best buddies and someone to share the blame for bombing the crap out of Syria? Nope.

Friday, 30 August 2013

Good thing or bad thing?

One thing that Disaster-Area Dave got exactly right is that Tony Blair really did poison the well of public trust with his lies and dodgy dossiers on Iraq in 2002/03. But if that prevents Dave from getting us into another foreign war a decade on, then about 0.1% of a cheer for Mr. B. Liar. Let President O’Bummer and the French bombard Syria, and take the flak for creating another Iraq/Libya-size mess.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

National hand not stuck in mangle

It was more with surprise than satisfaction that I heard that Dave the Leader’s headlong rush into another foreign war; teaming up with President O’Bummer to flatten bits of Syria; was derailed by his own party. It’s good to hear that the Tories can actually say “NO!” to a nutty scheme occasionally.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Are older workers job-blocking young hopefuls?

The older they are, the less likely they are to have been exposed to the wrecking activities of the looney, trendy Lefties in the education system from the 1970s on, and the more likely they are to be able to write, spell, do arithmetic, talk to someone in English and actually turn up for work occasionally.

Pudding over-egged?

There’s a trailer on the Discovery Channel which talks about “criminals revealing the Dark Side of the American Underworld”. But isn’t the Underworld supposed to be 100% dark and full of bad guys? So what scope is there for a dark side?

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Bullet dodged

I actually thought about watching Man. Utd. versus Chelsea last night. As it turned out to be a bore-draw, I’m glad I didn’t bother.

Monday, 26 August 2013

More ways to waste police time

If they arrest the police commissioners who lied about where they live, are the police going to have to do the same for all the parliamentary candidates who were parachuted into a constituency and falsely claimed to live there? It sounds right up the street of the modern, post-New-Labour police “service”, which no longer concerns itself with real crime.

Makes you think!

Entertainer Cheryl Cole’s whole-bum rose tattoo is reputed to have taken 15 hours to complete. Does this information amount to a coded message to the effect that she has a bum as big as an elephant’s?

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Vindication for those who thought it was a silly idea

Did we want crime commissioners? No, that’s why hardly anyone bothered to vote in the elections, knowing we’d just end up with party hacks. And a couple of liars, if what today’s news is saying is right. The commissioner for North Wales really lives 175 miles away, in Cardiff, and the commissioner for Hampshire actually lives 115 miles away in Northamptonshire. So two of the characters charged with hiring and firing chief constables and acting the part of the old borough police authority don’t think the people paying their wages deserve the truth.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Eyes wide shut

The government has been promising to get tough with illegal immigrants for the last 3 years. But it failed to notice that New Labour stopped recording the identity (photographs, fingerprints) of evicted illegals in April 2010, letting them sneak back under a new name. Is it likely that Dave & Co. are going to do anything to plug the gap now they’ve been made aware of it? And Gordon Broon will explain why he did it? Anyone holding their breath is advised to get a life.

By the way, Dave

Could you make it a sacking offence to award NHS cosmetic surgery to celeb wannabes and male prisoners who want to pretend they are a woman? (And vice versa.)

Friday, 23 August 2013

Think of a number

The official estimate of the H2S rail link ignores VAT and inflation. Adding them in increases the bill from the official £43 BILLION to a stonking £70 BILLION. Which is still £10 BILLION short of the latest independent estimate. So the question is: How many BILLIONs will Dave the Leader blow before he does the decent thing and cancels this total waste of time and money? Lots, probably.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Something else amusing

The trade union Unite and the teaching unions think that schoolkids should get lessons on how to go on strike and how to disrupt the running of a organization like . . . a school. And then they have the cheek to moan when a Tory minister dares to point out that schools turn out kids who are totally lacking in the skills needed to get and hold a job.

Suspicions confirmed

I have always been convinced that all these pricey “health supplements” are at the level of snake-oil medicine, especially anything with “pro”, the ultimate PR con, in the name. So imagine my amusement at the row caused by Which? magazine’s assessment of the claims made for a wide range of supplements as exaggerated, misleading and possibly illegal.

Fill in the blanks according to political persuasion

**** needs to stand down as leader before the next election for the sake of the **** party. Stick in Miliband and Labour or Cameron and Conservative, and you’ve caught the mood of the nation.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Interesting rumour

I have been told that there is an opinion poll showing that enough Tories to make a difference plan to withhold their vote at the next general election if the party doesn’t get rid of Disaster Dave and elect a leader who has some real Conservative values and who understands that if you make a promise, you’re expected to keep it.

Soft on crime encourages more

It was no surprise to find that the West Sussex police had to change their tune over letting the rent-a-mob “protesters” run riot at the oil-drilling site in Balcombe. Apparently, the camp has become a target for kids on benefits and people from all over Europe with nothing better to do than hang out and cause trouble, and the police just had to do something in the face of a great deal of public derision.

Monday, 19 August 2013

One small fine, lots of profit left

It was interesting to see that Tesco has been done for misleading customers and fined a trifling three hundred grand for dodgy half-price offers on strawberries. What is actually surprising is that the judge described the case as “shocking by its very nature because consumers have a high degree of trust in national chains”. Sounds like the judge needs to get out more!

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Oh, yes, it’s the Silly Season, isn’t it?

What else could it be when one of the newspapers comes up with a story about rogue SAS agents being responsible for killing Princess Diana? Well, I suppose it makes a change from who really killed J.F.K.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Too poisonous to touch?

The Archbishop of Canterbury has made an interesting decision not to become an honorary patron of the RSPCA, which has come in for a lot of stick for wasting huge amounts of money on politically motivated prosecutions and outright persecutions. Maybe the RSPCA was just a step too far after the church’s embarrassment over its investment in Wonga.com.

Threats do work

The West Sussex police have shut down an outfit drilling for oil in Balcombe because anti-fracking rent-a-mobsters have threatened a riot there. Which sets an interesting precedent. It means that anything can be stopped if you can threaten to produce a big enough mob: fracking, the H2S train line, by-elections, sittings of Parliament, sittings of secret courts, absolutely anything.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Spies R Us?

I see Google is in trouble again. The company that does no evil has been scanning messages on its email service and using the data mined from them to add “appropriate” adverts. But some outraged customers in California have taken Google to court to complain that the postman does not have the right to open and read all the mail he delivers.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

What planet are they from?

A firearms unit copper sneaks off for rumpy-pumpy with someone else’s wife and he’s fired. But he’s reinstated on appeal on the grounds that his trousers might have been around his ankles but his gun was still in reach in case of an emergency. Yeah, right.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

So much for technology, Part II

My ingenious minion has found an answer to the problem of Windows updates being installed and uninstalled every time he switches his new laptop on and off. He installed them manually in groups of about 20 instead of letting Windows install them all at once. He now seems happy that he has beaten the system.

Wow, gosh!

The Hyperloop, which can blast passengers from L.A. to San Francisco in half an hour, is an interesting idea. And if it crashes, you won’t have to worry about being stuck in hospital for repairs. The rescue services will be lucky if can find enough bits of you for a DNA test to confirm you were in the wreck.

Monday, 12 August 2013

Brilliant move, Dave!

The Spanish government is giving Gibraltar a hard time to distract from internal difficulties, so what does our prime minister do? Threaten them with legal action. I bet they’re quaking their boots, Dave.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Doing it to yourself

The boss of the RSPCA might be offended when people complain about heavy-handed prosecution being used quite cynically as a PR weapon, and his own overblown salary, but they remain two huge reasons for making charitable donations elsewhere.

So much for technology!

One of the staff has just bought a new laptop. When he tried to switch it off, the machine announced that it was installing 78 updates and he touched the off switch at his peril. The next time he switched it on, it announced that it was configuring Windows with the new updates, then that something had gone wrong, and it was going back to where it was before the updates had been installed. Same story when he eventually switched it off again: don’t switch off, there are 78 updates to be installed. Same story when he switched it on the next day; configuring Windows, oh, dear, something went wrong, unconfiguring Windows. He’s now going in search of expert help.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Something worth repeating!

“The UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom has been quoted as talking about bongo-bongo land in the context of Britain’s overseas aid. What he actually said was bunga-bunga land, where every government minister and state employee is expected to take a bung from the British taxpayer’s enforced generosity as of right.”

Friday, 9 August 2013

Bullet-hole in foot

Dismal Dave, the Tory leader, got all self-righteous about the money he wastes on overseas aid and how rotten it is of UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom to point out how much is stolen. Meanwhile, it has just come out that Dave has banned his own ministers from talking about overseas aid in case they are overwhelmed by a sudden attack of honesty.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Easy to be blasé when you’re paid big bucks

The imported Canadian governor of the Bank of England is keeping the interest rate at rock bottom until at least 2016. It will swindle savers out of a ton of cash but will “benefit their children and grandchildren”. And if they don’t have any children, they can just drop dead because they don’t matter?

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Gee, thanks!

One of the staff at the Mansion has had an email from City Link Parcel Delivery to say he will get a delivery between 7:30 and 17:30, which would appear to be a prime example of obfuscation with bogus precision. Is giving a 10-hour delivery window any more helpful than telling the truth: it will be sometime today but we’re not going tell you when?

Even More from Naa-Naa-Land!

The Liberals seem to have lost touch with reality completely if they plan to put a ban on all petrol- and diesel-fuelled cars by 2040. Given that they are a political irrelevance, they might as well include a promise to make everyone rich, famous and happy. They won’t have to deliver on that, either.

More from Naa-Naa-Land!

The geniuses in charge of the Dept. of the Environment think that Council Taxpayers would swallow a rise of 20% to pay for better street sweeping. But they haven’t said whether this includes the right to sue the council's officials for misconduct in office if they take the money and don’t spend it on making streets cleaner.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Tell us another!

A Turkish professor, on a dig funded by the EU, is claiming that his team has found a piece of the “True Cross” in the ruins of a 7th century church. Has no one told him that if all the known pieces of the “True Cross” were laid end-to-end, they would reach half-way to Mars?

Monday, 5 August 2013

Screw diplomacy, go for tit for tat

If Spain is going to charge people 50 euros to get into and out of Gibraltar, our own government should charge Spanish terrorists 150 euros to enter and leave the UK. And 5,000 euros/day if they overstay their welcome.

Putting it in perspective

On the one hand, the Tories are being clobbered for offering child-care help to families with two working parents but not to families with one working parent. On the other hand, if Labour were in power, no one would get any help at all. Half a biscuit is better than no biscuit at all, and a starting point for shaming the buggers into doing more.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Headline of the year!

“Tragedy Dad’s New Life As A Mum” – decorated the front page of today’s Sunday Post, Scotland’s favourite newspaper.

No brainpower needed to be a mayor in Cumbria?

The owners of a café at Millom in Cumbria have been past winners of their local council’s “In Bloom” competition. They were disqualified from this year’s contest, however. Apparently, the mayor and another judge “were unable to find the site”. So the area has a mayor who is too dim to make a phone call to ask for better directions? Obviously just a figurehead and just as wooden.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Thankless task!

So Gordon Brown’s fund-raiser is now a peer? Obviously a reward for his services to attempting the impossible on behalf of the unwanted.

Friday, 2 August 2013

Uruguay says “yes” to . . . what!?

I just glanced at the newspaper and I thought the headline said “cannibals”. But on closer inspection, I found that “cannabis” is what will be okay in Uruguay when the bill crawls through the Senate. Apparently, it’s a cunning wheeze to take the profits from drug dealing out of the pockets of criminals.

Our gratitude would be entirely superfluous

The management of Lloyds Banking Group are busy sending out self-congratulatory letters to shareholders telling us how well they’re doing. But as we shareholders haven’t had a dividend for donkey’s years, and we’ve been on the short end of a massive collapse in the share price, and the bank’s savers aren’t exactly getting worthwhile interest rates, we’ll put the congratulations in perspective and wonder how long it will be before the present, self-satisfied lot get the bank back to where it was before the last gang of bunglers, and Gordon Brown, drove LBG into a taxpayer-funded bail-out.

Any publicity is publicity?

A bloke living in Salford Quays, Manchester, is quoted £1.2million for insuring a 10-year-old car, and when he contacts the firm to make sure they mean it, they offer to let him pay at £104,000 a month? Sounds to me like some sort of weird publicity stunt by the firm. It certainly got their name in the papers.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Not where I am, mate!

Swatches of brilliant orange on the BBC weather map. Temperatures in the 30s Centigrade on the chart. But when I looked out of the window, it was cloudy and a long way short of 30 degrees. So do I believe my eyes or what I see on the TV?

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

A Confederacy of the Spineless?

D. Cameron slopes off on holiday, N. Clegg takes nominal command of the Ship of State and suddenly, British waters are invaded by jellyfish. Coincidence?

Crazy doesn’t begin to describe it

After all the floods we’ve just had, as a result of a month’s rain arriving in a few hours, the government is still planning to let developers build new houses on flood plains. And then it will look surprised when it has to raise taxes to build new flood defences.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Now, here’s a good one!

Rumour of the day: New Labour’s decision to double GPs’ pay has put the NHS into a terrible staffing crisis because doctors feel too rich to work in the evening and at weekends. So the Coalition is going to halve their pay to see if that fixes things.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Talk about a month’s rain in an hour!

We’ve had some real old downpours today, including one with half-inch lumps of hail mixed in with a real deluge of rain. And thunder rumbling for most of the day. Black skies at the back of the house and brilliant sunshine from acres of bright blue sky at the front. And butterflies zooming round the lavender within minutes of what should have been a lethal downpour for them.

Sunday, 28 July 2013

Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

The boss of pay-day loan outfit Wonga reckons that his company is “a powerful force for good in the financial world”, so the Church of England shouldn’t try to put it out of business. With interest rates around 6,000%, it’s certainly a powerful force for shoving cash into his pay packet!

Maybe he wouldn’t want to be

The Scottish Nationalists are saying they don’t want Prince George of Cambridge to be their king. What makes them think he’d want the job?

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Am I being a bit dim?

Friends of the driver of the Spanish train, which derailed at 120 mph on a 50 mph-limit bend and killed 80 people, think he’s an okay bloke. So are we expected to assume from their endorsement that he can’t be to blame and just put it down to another random and vicious Act of God?

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Get a grip, Dave!

Dave the Leader has announced that he will now make it his mission in life to export homosex marriage to the rest of the wold. Any old excuse for not doing the job you’re paid to do, eh, Dave?

Is it a crime? Depends who’s doing it

A lot of people are wondering why journalists have had their collar felt at dawn for doing a little bit of hacking whilst Top People and Blue Chip Firms (including legal firms) have been allowed to get away with hacking and spying on an industrial scale by SOCA for at least the last 5 years. There’s nothing to wonder about, really. Journalists give members of the Establishment (including politicians) embarrassment by exposing their crimes. Blue Chips give members of the Establishment money.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Germs are much tougher in Africa?

Supplies of Dettol have been binned in South Africa. One of the regulators there found that the disinfectant wasn’t killing 99.9% of the local bugs in tests. The British manufacturer is reported to be baffled – having found that the product does see off 99.9% of British bugs.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Royal Baby Bad News for Dave?

It’s a boy, which means that Dave the Leader has less of an excuse for messing about with the order of succession to make sure that a girl can’t be bumped by her brother(s). Maybe the useless lump will now decide to get on with something which is of actual use to the British people. And then again, maybe he won’t.

Monday, 22 July 2013

The Olympic legacy they don’t mention

70 athletes and coaches, who either claimed political asylum from mainly African regimes or just disappeared into our equivalent of the L.A. Underground. Not to mention an unknown proportion of the 70,000 hangers-on, who were issued with a Family Member visa.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

It didn’t happen by accident

President O’Bummer gets the hump because Americans lock their car doors if they see African-Americans lurking nearby. It clearly hasn’t occurred to this victim of reflex racialism to wonder how come African-Americans have such a strong car-jacker image.

A fair question!

If Wii is sponsoring the TV coverage of the Tour de France on ITV4, why do we have to put up with advert breaks? Or is the alledged “sponsorship” at the cheapskate level?

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Another good rumour . . .

. . . is that the newspaper industry is lobbying vigorously for an investigation into the ethics and standards of the legal profession, SOCA and the police following the institutional cover-up of illegalities (such as hacking and bugging) commissioned from private investigators by top firms, including top legal firms, and top people.

Friday, 19 July 2013

“Nurse, he’s out of bed again!”

If Dave the Leader gets serious about sending British troops to Syria, would someone kindly bash him over the head and stick him in a deep, dark hole until he gains a sense of responsibility?

Wimmin vs Men

Another waning politico sounds off. “Harridan Harperson” is trying to get herself noticed by stamping her foot and demanding that men-only sports clubs be made illegal. Not a word about female-only clubs, or clubs which restrict by religion or other criteria, of course. But Labour never was about real equality.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

The way out is over there, love.

How can you tell when a politician realizes she’s for the bullet at the next reshuffle? When she has to pick a fight with a men-only golf club to get a mention in the newspapers.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Best rumour of the moment?

The one that says all the Health Secretaries of the New Labour era are in line for an OBE in the next honours list – for services to funeral directing!

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

How to sort the insinuators out!

It has been suggested that Chris Froome should start press conferences with an announcement like: “Allow me to introduce the bloke on my right. He’s a libel lawyer, who will be checking your questions for insinuations about doping. And the bloke on my left? You don’t want to know what the bloke on my left is going to do. Now, first question?”

Monday, 15 July 2013

St. Swithin? Boo!

So we’re now threatened with 40 days like this? Terrific. My grass is going brown and there’s rather a lot of it. Good job I can use the emergency lakes if the water company tries to stop me using theirs.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

The most heart-warming story of the decade . . .

. . . has to be the news that a company believes that it can make an extra profit out of the debris swept up by street-cleaning machines. Veolia Environmental Services reckons that it can find enough bits of gold and silver shed by jewellery, shoes and clothing, and metals from vehicle catalytic converters (palladium, platinum, rhodium), to make their balance sheet even healthier.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Minds made up everywhere

“We could release our . . . data but we know there are people who have made up their minds. Then they look for evidence they can manipulate to support the decision they’ve already made.” Is the context for the quote the Sky cycling coach refusing to release telemetry from the team’s bikes? Or is it someone talking about what Global Warming Swindlers do? It’s hard to tell.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Tell it like it is!

That’s a good one – the bosses of the NHS are going to rename the Liverpool “Care” Pathway to the Harold Shipman Pathway so that no one is in any doubt that it leads straight to the grave.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

SPADs have been around for years

These people who are accusing the Tories of politicizing the civil service and pretending that bringing in their own special advisors and picking the staff they want to use is something new – where were they between 1997 and 2010?

It’s one way of doing in the opposition

Was that an interesting tactic we saw in the Tour de France yesterday? Get your lead-out man to slow down and drift into the path of a rival (M. Cavendish) to make sure he can’t challenge you for the stage win? How diabolical these foreigners are.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

How innocent is innocent enough?

The case of Barry George casts further doubt on the quality of much-vaunted British justice. He was convicted of the murder of broadcaster Jill Dando but released on appeal. When he applied for compensation, he was told that he was “not innocent enough” to qualify because a jury could reasonably have found him guilty on the “evidence” cooked up by the prosecution at his original trial. So if the state does a good job of stitching you up, even if it does so wrongly, you’re not entitled to compensation!

Monday, 8 July 2013

And now, the unbeautiful game?

They certainly have interesting football matches in Brasil. At an amateur match, a player got into a barney with the ref, who pulled a knife and stabbed him to death! So the deceased’s family and friends hunted down the ref, stoned him to death, chopped him into quarters and stuck his head on a pole in the middle of the football pitch. Shove some adverts around that, if you dare!

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Talking about believing in fairies . . .

An historian is worried that televising pre-election debates between party leaders will give us a “plausible tart” for prime monster rather than someone who is up to the job. How strange that an historian doesn’t remember that we had three doses of Tony Blair.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Having a title is no guarantee of quality

The chairman of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority thinks that giving MPs an extra £10K per year will stop them from making fraudulent expenses claims! Does Sir I. Kennedy also believe in fairies?

What’s new about it?

Why is everyone upset (or pretending to be) because Unite is alleged to have done some vote rigging? The union has bought the Labour party so it’s perfectly entitled to puts its own choice of people into Parliament as Labour MPs.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Where can we send Berco on a one-way ticket?

We could give the Squeaker of the Commons a free trip to Afghanistan, the badlands of Pakistan, Romania, Bulgaria, Libya, Iraq, Iran . . . Further suggestions on a postcard to the usual address.

The Truth Will Out

It has been pointed out that Winston Churchill lied for us whilst Tony B. Liar and his dodgy dossier inventor, A. Campbell, lied to us. There is a difference, you know.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Nice work if you can get it

Where do our tax-pounds go? Well, 100,000 of them have been wasted on sending the Squeaker of the Commons, J. Berco, on globe-trotting jaunts over the last 3 years. He seems to be trying to be as rude to people in as many different countries as he can manage before he’s evicted from the post he’s currently disgracing. Maybe we can get the Egyptian army on the job if they’ve finished with their non-coup.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Come on, Tim!

Well, that’s Mr. Gobsworth Murray doomed. Dave the Leader has sent him a good luck message, so he’s bound to crash out of bloody Wimbledon at the next hurdle.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Quel Horreur!

Things are not going well for the French. Everyone’s laughing at their president for throwing a wobbly because the Americans are spying on his government – and just about every other regime on the planet. Now, they’ve found out that they are eating snails from Eastern Europe because French producers, being French, aren’t up to the job of breeding enough of them and snails don’t have to be labelled with a point of origin.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Planet-killers!

Canadians have a reputation for being rather pleasant, sensible people (apart from the ones who play ice hockey, of course), but I suppose there are a few exceptions. Like the wife of the new Gov. of the Bank of England, who thinks teabags are actually harmful to the planet. As a member of the mansion’s staff remarked: “The world has a lot more to worry about than teabags, and maybe she should shut up until she has something sensible to say.”

What’s in it for them?

You have to wonder what the allegedly Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority would get out of awarding a totally undeserved £10K pay rise to MPs. The Westminster Blunderers will be laughing all the way to the bank with the cash, especially as they will be able to claim that their hands are clean, and you don’t get something for nothing.

Sunday, 30 June 2013

That’s not a proper charge!

Two members of the English Defence League have been arrested “on suspicion of obstructing police”, I read today. Are we expected to believe that the coppers concerned were too dim to know if they’d been obstructed? And they are currently viewing all available CCTV and cellular phone pictures available in search of evidence? It’s just plain harassment of members of an unpopular political minority. And if the police can get away with doing EDL members on a bogus charge, they’ll be encouraged to do the same to the rest of us before you know it.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

Another reason not to trust Labour near money

It’s common knowledge that Gordon Broon got LloydsTSB to swallow the poison pill of HBoS as a favour to Labour’s electoral prospects in Scotland. Result: Lloyds went bust and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer. Now, we have the unpleasant spectacle of Balls, Brown’s hod-carrier, glorying in his part in helping the Co-op Bank, which bankrolls Balls and 31 other Labour MPs, to swallow the poison pill of the Britannia building society. A deed which is resulting in the downright theft of one-third of Co-op bond-holders’ cash.

Friday, 28 June 2013

All that fuss for nothing

First it was a double-dip recession, then it was a triple-dip. Then the triple turned out to be a mirage. Surprise! The double is also a mirage and we’re actually in a bigger hole than anyone thought because, even though there wasn’t a recession under the Coalition, the one New Labour put us into turned out to be twice as bad as anyone thought. Which is a good argument for shooting Ed Balls if he even looks in the direction of the Treasury.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

You’ve gotta laugh!

A gang of doctors has spent 18 years (on fancy salaries, no doubt) studying civil servants in France. And what have they come up with? Worrying about being stressed makes you twice as likely to have a heart attack. Well, that was money well spent.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

The answer is obvious

Lord Leveson, as a sitting judge, feels he is too grand to be grilled by the Commons about his multi-million-pound inquiry into minor hacking by Her Majesty’s Press (trivial compared to what the legal trade gets up to). Lord Hutton (Iraq whitewash) appeared before the Commons when he was retired. So the solution to the Leveson problem would appear to be to fire him. Then he won’t be a sitting judge any more and he won’t have a valid excuse for failing to explain himself.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Simply pathetic!

The cabinet officer minister has put on public display, the note from the 2010 Treasury chief secretary, Liam Byrne, telling his successor “there’s no money left, best of luck!” Labour’s best shot is that Mr. Laws is “behaving like the class swot”. If that’s the best Labour can do, the Milibandits might as will give up right now.

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Anything for a bit of publicity!

The formerly sensible Manchester Museum has come up with a silly season story of a 10" Egyptian statuette turning “unassisted by a human hand” in a display case in the night. Couple that with the bogus “curse of the Pharaohs” and you get something calculated to send the Daily Disaster’s Sunday edition into conniptions!

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Brain dead and proud of it

The owner of the Welsh pub in New York has been fined $2,500 for expressing a preference for one group of people over another. Which is further proof that hanging is too good for the diversity dolts.

Friday, 21 June 2013

We’ll believe it when it happens

There’s talk of those involved in public sector cover-ups losing their pension pots and the Labour shadow health minister is going on about the need to abolish the revolving door, which his party created to let the shameless wander from one highly paid job to another. But will we really get a cult of accountability? Not in our lifetime, I fear.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Lies for the sake of it?

Another version of how Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin has emerged. Instead of crashing after swerving to miss a weather balloon in bad weather, his plane was thrown into a fatal spin by another pilot in a bigger jet getting too close to him. But as it all happened in the Soviet Union, the original accident report had to be full of made-up stuff.

Monday, 17 June 2013

It’s all relative

Coppers up and down the country have leapt onto the victim bandwagon because the Prime Monster dared to say we have a “a relatively honest police force” (a.k.a. police “service”). Maybe he should have added “not entirely idle and not completely useless” while he was at it.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

I don’t think you’re supposed to win!

One minute, we’re being told to change lead water pipes for copper to avoid lead poisoning. The next, we’re told that copper pipes give your hair split ends, so change them for . . . plastic? But plastics contain all sorts of ooh-nasties.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Is that all?

The Taxpayers’ Alliance has calculated that the public sector wastes £120 BILLION per year on things like a skip covered with yellow lights (the Arts Council), £22 light bulbs (the MoD), hiring a motivational magician (Cotswold district council) and paying a clothing allowance to local government officials (Durham council). Government extravagances include £3,000,000 on biscuits for ministers and their underlings, £427,000 for rubber bullets which the police can’t use, and £15,000,000 on duplicated procurement by Whitehall departments and local councils. Not to mention excessive pay ‘n’ pensions for the public sector. So it’s no wonder the country is broke.

Friday, 14 June 2013

Typical Cameron “Tory”

The Culture Minister, another mock Tory, has decided that nothing official will happen to mark the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo, Belgium, because he thinks it will upset the French, who were trying to do to Europe in the 19th century what Germany tried a couple of times in the 20th.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Sense of humour failure

There ain’t no fun under communism. That’s what a Chinese farmer found when he made a rubber alien, put it in a freezer and posted pictures of himself and his prize on the Interweb. Before he could blink, the police turned up and shoved him in gaol for 5 days to extract a confession that it was all a big joke. Not something calculated to impress the humourless coppers who locked him up for “disrupting social order”.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Credibility gap

Foreign Sec. Bill Hague would have us believe that people with nothing to hide have nothing to fear from a state which is prying into their every phone call and internet use via the US espionage program Prism. Which is fair enough if the state can be trusted to act honourably and honestly. But New Labour? Tony Blair? Dave “I promise you” Cameron? Honestly? Honourably? Pur-lease!

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Law breaking okay for law enforcers?

It has been pointed out that the hard shoulder of a motorway is for emergencies only, so any copper who makes a motorist stop there to received a fine for driving in the middle lane is liable to be prosecuted for misconduct in office and soliciting an offence on behalf of the motorist.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Who’d have thunk it?

Wonders will never cease. Another of these amazing studies (who exactly pays for them and how much say do they have in it?) has found that chips are good for us as long as they are cooked in vegetable oil, which is good for the heart. Good news for anyone who regularly makes a meal of a plate of chips with a sprinkling of balsamic vinegar!

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Lights out

The government has given up pretending that it can keep the lights on with windmills and its other insane energy “policies”. Instead, it has sneaked an Energy Demand Reduction clause into the Energy Bill (2013) to enforce cuts in our current electricity use of 378 terawatt-hours per year of 27% by 2020 and 41% by 2030. So who is going to be cut off when the nation is stuck with just 60% of the electricity it uses right now? One thing you can be sure of is that none of the 300-odd MPs who blindly voted for this latest scam will lose out.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

More mind-boggling

I was amazed to read that former News of the Screws journalists have been charged with misconduct in public office, and that all the talk about Her Majesty’s Press must be true if journalists’ jobs are seen as public offices.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Pay up, but you don’t have to look cheerful

If a copper stops you on a motorway and slaps a £100 fine on your wallet and 3 penalty points on your driving licence for cruising in the middle lane, it’s for road safety reasons. It’s not because the Chancellor has come up with another stealth tax. Honest!