How do you know it’s really cold?

The wheelie bins freeze shut and you can’t put anything in them, as they did last night.

Stop flogging it

Do we care that some woman is claiming she gave Prince Andrew a naked tune-up at the Palace? The horse is dead, the outrage tank is empty and we can’t be arsed to confect a refill. Time to move on.

Serious bloke warning

What’s my ambition in life? To be the last person in the country who’s never worn trainers when not in training.

Think petard, hoist, own

The thing about Friday is it’s the day at the end of the working week (for most, until Labour brings in a 4-day week) and it last just 24 hours. Thus I don’t feel tempted to get involved in Black Friday sales on the ground that the people running them are too dim to grasp the concept of Friday. And mostly too crooked to offer genuine bargains, according to all the exposés.

Animals are people too

“There was nothing in the slasher’s eyes, he was just like an animal,” is a description of a crazed Islamist. Which is a gross libel on animals. When I look into the cat’s eyes, she’s usually telling me, ‘Hello.’, ‘Open this door.’ or ‘What’s that bloke up to now?’

Doesn’t stand up to scrutiny

“Superlative of bad”, the crossword clue said. But is there really anything super about the baddest of the bad?

Fiction, faction, who can tell?

Even if she didn’t have Alzheimer’s, one wonders if Barbara Windsor would watch the bio-TV show about her and wonder if it’s about a real person. Such are the liberties taken by the people who make these ‘real-life historicals’.

The clue is in the name

CarpetRight wood flooring? Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that it’s within their area of expertise. Neither does their ad for vinly flooring.

Not bothered, mate!

When I asked the cat if she was feeling anxious about the approaching Festive Season, she just looked at me. Which means there’s at least one creature on the planet who has the right perspective on Xmas.

No wonder they’re called Commoners

It’s impossible not to feel some sympathy for Prince Andrew, who has been chivvied shamelessly by tiresome plebs in pursuit of their own agenda and self-promotion.

Something else broken

Bad news about the latest incarnation of Charlie’s Angels. After spending zillions of pounds on the latest production, the producers are finding that cinema audiences have something better to do than pay good money to watch their efforts. Replacing the smart and fairly non-violent Angels with a bunch of kill-crazy ninjas cum James Bond wannabes might have had something to do with it. And poor old Bosley now has to identify as female.

Broken barometer?

We had some weird weather yesterday. The sun was shining when I was out and about. But when I glanced at the barometer in the hall, I was surprised to see that the needle had sunk below the ‘R’ in ‘RAIN’. Work that one out!

Where Corbyn went wrong

He’s promising to steal everything irrespective of whether or not it’s nailed down, but our PM wannabe has slipped up. He failed to add facilitating free movement by creating an army of pothole fillers to make the 49% of British roads that are crumbling driveable upon again.

Advertising logic

How can a Black Friday Event (yesterday was Friday November 22nd) run for 10 more days and end on December 2nd, which is a MONDAY? Somebody with very little contact with the real world came up with that.

Tell ’em anything, it makes no difference

Corbyn’s “grab all the cash” election manifesto proves that you’d have to be certifiable to vote Labour. Unless you’re a nutcase or a scrounger. Unfortunately there are a lot of both about.

Pronounced ‘Luxury Yacht’?

If it were possible to feel a little sympathy for someone as undeserving as Jeremy Corbyn, it would be over the outrage confected over his pronouncing the name Epstein as a German word. Like Einstein. Where’s Monty Python when you need him!

I wonder what this was about?

From the next room, it sounded like the young lady doing the TV advert was saying: “Broncostal, strong and testicle.” The ads you make up yourself are always exceedingly better than the real ones.

Definitions for today

Scrawpedo – the cat in a restless, climb all over the furniture mood.

Another of life’s surprises

My local lifeboat crew is facing their toughest Xmas ever, according to something the postman dropped off today. Which is rather strange. We’re 86 miles from the sea and I had no idea that we had been awarded a lifeboat.

Just a break from the election?

Did anyone other than the news media watch the disastrous Prince Andrew TV interview? No one I know did. Still, all the subsequent frenzy spared the politicians the need to make up some new lies until later on in the week.

F1 gets cute

What could Formula One do to liven things up in Brazil? Wipe out the usual suspects! Thus Bottas retired making smoke and Vettel shunted his team mate and crashed out both Ferraris. Cue a safety car with 5 laps to go and Mercedes pitted Hamilton off the podium. And when he crashed his way up to 3rd, he was awarded a penalty which dropped him to 7th.

Brain disengaged

What is the point of showing a MotoGP plug during a CFL match broadcast after the MotoGP season has ended? BT Sport is run by zombies.

MotoGP gone with a bang

Riders off all over the place in the last Moto3 race of the season, then a red flag on lap 3 of 23 for a bike on fire at the side of the track. It was all action in chilly Valencia. And more disasters in the 15 laps following a quick restart; the biggest caused by the new champ dropping his bike in front of a crowd.
    Alex Marquez, the Moto2 champion, also fell off, but on his own. Zarco had a real horror crash in MotoGP. A fair number of others also hit the kitty litter. But this year’s champ, Marquez Senior, stayed on his bike for another win.

NFL lowlights

You have to wonder about the moral compass of the people who condense a 3-hour American football match into an hour of TV when the incident from Thursday Night Football that gets the most screen time is a crude assault.
    It would have been legitimate to show a Cleveland Browns defender bashing the Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback with his own helmet, which the defender had ripped off, once in live action and again as a replay.
    But showing it half a dozen times with lots of pontificating steps over the border to voyeurism and rank bad taste. One stoopid assault was not what the match was about – namely that the Browns now have a team which can beat the pants off the Steelers after decades in the doldrums.

History repeating itself

I’ve just finished reading Goodbye To Berlin by Christopher Isherwood and I can’t help thinking how like the Berlin of the 1930s we’re getting with the thought police and the outrage confectors banning everything which upsets them, as the Nazis did in 1933. All we need is a National Corbyn Socialist government to complete the cycle.

Just meaningless

The Department for Counting Beans has decided that Britain became 5% more anxious last spring over Brexit. Which means what? Most people weren’t bothered, some drama queens were throwing major wobblies and everyone else was somewhere in between. Which doesn’t exactly tell us anything useful. But then, that’s not the point of counting beans.

Useful? No more!

Something useful that has disappeared recently is the little plastic lids, which used to be provided with cartons of supermarket cream to close them once the seal of plastic foil has been removed. Sainsbury’s seem to think that not providing them any more will save the planet. Another sign that the private sector is not immune to corporate stoopidity.

No cash, no point

I’ve just had a statement of charges (overdraft, etc.) from my bank covering the last year. With £0.00 in every category. It’s the first one I’ve ever had and a sign that the relentless march of pointless government-imposed burrocracy will never cease.

How brief are they?

I keep being asked if I want to accept briefings and notifications during casual visits to the internet. Just how much time to these people think I have to waste on their propaganda? And how long will it be before being briefed and notified becomes compulsory by law?

And another thing

“Lexa, how sad do you have to be to take advice from a gang of wise-guy piss-taking eavesdroppers in the United States?”

PC consequences

‘Manifesto’ – that’s a gender-specific word which will have to go.

No, thanks!

The Daily Mail is offering a diet that means you will NEVER crave cake again! No more cakes and ale? Life won’t be worth living. No way.

Oh, for some intelligence

The worst executed concept of the physical world has to be friction. Things you want to move get stuck. Things you want to stay put skid off in a random direction. Intelligent design? No chance!

Gloss that flakes off easily

A new premiere every day! Wow, gosh, how brilliants. Hold on, though. What if it’s a film I don’t want to watch. Not all that wonderful after all.

Also fair

No matter how much you hate Labour and the Corbynists, there is nothing wrong with a potential parliamentary candidate slagging off Tony B. Liar.

Only fair

If the boss of McDonuts had affairs with two fellow employees, shouldn’t he have got a pay-off of double the going rate? That’s £42 million.

The digital turns stroppy

“Lexa, what’s the time?”
    “Look at your watch, you bloody parasite.”
“Lexa, what’s the weather right now?”
    “Look out the window, you lazy slag.”

Misplaced confidence

After transferring a bar of dark chocolate to my chock tin, I had a look at the expiry date on the wrapper before disposing of it. APRIL 2021. Like that bar of chock has any hopes of lasting beyond the start of next week!

Politics the easy way

About the only good thing about this election is how little time you need to waste on it if you know that everything you hear from Labour is a lie and everything from the Liberals is bollocks. And everything from the BBC is Labour propaganda.

The wibble goes on

Of the BBC’s list of the 100 Best Books in the history of the Universe . . . I’ve read 11 of them. Pretty crappy list, huh!

Empty gesture

I’d boycott McDonuts for its cruel & unusual dismissal of the British boss for upsetting American Puritans . . . only I’ve never been to one of their junk food parlours and I have no intention of visiting any of them in the future.

Take your pick

Anyone who thinks being single is being self-partnered has failed to grasp the meaning of the word partner, has multiple personality disorder or is an actor desperate to be noticed, if only by being a clot.

Not exactly missed

Formula One has really lost its gloss if I didn’t even think of watching the GP in the USA on Sunday and I didn’t realize it had been run until I saw a picture of Hamilton in champion mode on the back page of Monday’s paper.

Art & Dosh

An interesting pair of thoughts: can an insurance company be done for charging a premium for £50M worth of insurance on a painting by an art forger? And can the company be done for fraud on the grounds that there’s no way it would pay out the 50 million if the painting were to be stolen or destroyed?

Diversity demand

Still on American football, how come there are no earlier Americans in the NFL? No Running Bear the running back, no Heap Big Trouble the linebacker. It’s an amazing omission.

Imagination lacking

How come no one every gets an authentic American name like . . . gopher? J. Gopher Montana – what a great name for a quarterback!

Imagination too strange!

We’re quite used to seeing black American footballers with weird and wonderful names, but a white kicker playing in Saturday’s match at Wembley called Ka’imi!! You have to have really weird parents to be stuck with a first name like that!

More melting

Just solo crashers in Moto 2 from lap 1 onwards and everything became much more strung out and less frantic. Brad Binder stayed on his bike to win, followed home by world champion Alex Marquez. In the MotoGP race, Viñales kept out in front and didn’t let the other world champion Marquez mug him at the last corner for the win.

Melting in Malaysia!

I was just thinking how civilized the Moto3 race in baking hot Sepang was when bang! three of the leaders gone in a crash. And two more riders tangled a lap later. Basher Binder also came off but rejoined. Then another 3-way crash at Turn 4. This is more like the Moto3 we know. And a great finish by the champ.

Double standards

The BBC luvvies are going in for Death By Unpersoning by pretending that the Daily Mail doesn’t exist. Not one mention in a Now Show! sketch about the decline of paper copies of newspapers. Presumably because the Mail doesn’t think their hero, Oh, Jezzer Corby, is the bee’s knees.

Wrong standard

Is it damning that Jeremy Kyle wound up contestants on his ITV show then edited out the wind-ups? It would be if anyone was pretending that he was making documentaries. But all he was involved in were ITV entertainment shows. So that was okay.

Tripe-hounds come out for Halloween

Only the National Union of Students could call wearing a sombrero to a Halloween event racist and mocking Mexican culture . . . is not strictly true. There are lots of other gangs of morons who would go along with this daft idea to get themselves noticed.

A real pal

It’s really nice of President Trump to encourage his mate Nigel Farage to do the decent thing and prevent Corbyn and his evil gang from buggering up Britain. He’s an ally worth having!