Another sitting duck well and truly missed

Today’s Daily Mail contains a picture of Sophie Wessex in a burka as “proof” that a woman can look stylish in one. Which kind of misses the point that women shouldn’t have to wear the hideous rags in the first place.

Think of a number

The business minister, Mr. Hancock (another comedian?), is claiming that the Coalition has saved the business sector a whopping £10 Billion since it came to office by abolishing vexatious regulations. Ones like bus companies being required to hang on to discarded food remains as “lost property”. He also reckons, having thought of another number, that there is £20 Billion more to be saved by 2020.
    Just a thought, but old Hankers could do a greater service to the nation by weeding out the jobsworths who impose the daft rules in the first place and holding some public executions as a warning to others of the same temperament. Works in Iran, apparently.

Why only now?

Mr. Lamb, the current Health Minister, is hoping to score points by promising to hold to account, the owners of care homes which offer poor standards of care. But the British public is entitled to ask: Why is this not already the rule? And why so late, Minister, bearing in mind that your party has been in office for nearly five years? And why didn’t Labour make it the rule if they care as much about the elderly as they pretend?

The not-Bond

James Bond isn’t a black man. He’s white and Scottish. There’s no doubt about that. But what do a few facts matter to the film industry? If they can convert Felix Leiter, Bond’s CIA buddy, who was chewed by a shark in Licence To Kill, into a black man with all his limbs intact, why not a black non-Bond? In fact, why not go the whole hog and give the role to the traditional one-legged lesbian dwarf with a hunch? If you’re going to deliver a not-Bond, you might as well make it convincing.

Obesity: some good news at long last

A survey of Europe by the OECD has found that one-quarter of the people in Britain are grossly fat to a life-endangering extent. But there is some good news. The European Court of Justice’s ruling that obesity equals disability means that Britain can claim what amounts to a rebate of some of its EU contributions to fund an NHS anti-obesity programme.
    All we have to do, apparently, is slap an EU sticker on the scheme and pretend the cash came from the European Commission rather than the pockets of British taxpayers..

Turkey to Triumph?

Here’s another conspiracy theory: North Koreans hacked and threatened Sony in the USA to prevent the release of a comedy film about the assassination of the current Blessed Leader. Really? Given that Americans are now flocking to cinemas showing the film as a “patriotic duty”, could it be that the Sony guys saw the film, realized it is rubbish and got their PR bunch to create a good conspiracy story to sell it?

Rather cunning, really

To get more women into his Cabinet, Dave the Leader replaced M. Gove as Education Sec. with N. Morgan. But whilst Mr. Gove was unpopular with the teaching unions but very popular with anyone who wanted to see kids get a decent education, Ms Morgan has proved to be utterly wet and weedy and a total disaster, who sees it as her mission in life to unpick all of Mr. Gove's improvements.
    A brainless move by Dave? Well, some conspiracy theorists are seeing it as his latest attempt to warn the party of what will happen if he is replaced by a woman, such as the embattled Home Sec. T. May, whose department is failing spectacularly to get to grips with the migration problem dumped on the nation by Tony B. Liar and his New Labour cronies as an act of gerrymandering and revenge.

No harm, no foul

Clottish Clegg has informed the nation that his wife gave him some boxing gloves for Xmas last year. She obviously thinks there's no danger of brain damage to what’s not there.

Makes sense only to the EU

The EU banned landing fish which fell outside a quota, which meant that millions of perfectly edible fish had to be sorted out of a catch and just dumped overboard. Now, the ban has been rescinded. The out-of-quota fish now have to be landed. But they can't be sold and eaten, they have to be sorted out of a catch, hauled to a landfill site and dumped. Why? So that the EU can collect the landfill tax, which it wasn't getting when the fish were dumped in the sea.

NFL wimpishness

There was much indignation during the match between the Dallas Cowboys and the Indianapolis Colts last night when a player incurred a penalty for “taunting” when he just stood looking at a fallen opponent with his arms folded. What has the NFL come to when the players can’t take a few seconds’ triumphalism? Does the Commissioner, who rejoices in the name of Mr. Good4nowt, I am reliably informed, think it will damage the image of the sport if the players are likely to burst into tears when someone gets the better of them and rubs it in? Grow a set, NFL!

Fair enough

Batty Balls would have us believe that women will bear the brunt of Tory plans to cut the Labour deficit – which he laboured to create when in the last Labour government, let us not forget. The weaselly implication is that something unfair is going on. But maybe women are getting a disproportionately high share of benefits, and that’s why cutting everyone’s share equally takes more money from women. But, of course, Balls doesn’t believe in fair do’s for all.

Simple solutions are the best ones

Daily Mail internal headline: “Migrants lost in the system equal to the population in Cardiff”. So all we have to do to balance the books is deport everyone living in Cardiff?

Don’t care, mate

A quick poll at the Mansion about whether the BBC should sell off the TV rights to Bloody Wimbledon has failed to turn up a single person who watches it.

Foul friends

140 children and adults murdered at a school in Pakistan. The price of cosying up to the Taliban to feed the sense of grievance by politicians and soldiers who feel they’re not being allowed to thieve their fair share of aid money.

Fair for all

Terrorists who are not signatories to the Geneva Convention are not entitled to its protections. That can occur only when they give up mass murder, mutilation, posing as civilians and all the other little tricks of their trade.

Clean your own House first

If you ever wondered why politicians are so keen to be allowed to censor the Press, just consider what the Establishment has covered up in the past and is trying to cover up right now: paedophile MPs, including Cyril Smith, Jeremy Thorpe’s antics, Tony Blair and his ministers’ involvement in CIA rendition and torture of terrorist suspects and getting the 2003 war in Iraq started on a lie, all the scandals and unnecessary deaths in the NHS, abuse of office by people working for local councils, MPs stealing from the taxpayer with false expenses claims, cash for honours . . . The list just goes on and on and on and on.

Computer nuisances

One of the staff had a peculiar nuisance phone call the other day. It wasn’t until he got a repeat of the same call that his suspicions were confirmed. The weird voice was coming from some sort  of computer system, which was programmed to ask him about a car accident, which wasn’t his fault – which he hadn’t had. And when he baffled it by asking it questions in his own peculiar computer voice, it was reduced by saying, “Bye!” and ringing off.

Pure as the proverbial slush

Why is there such a clamour for an inquiry into the Bliar regime’s part in the CIA’s anti-terrorist activities? Because the usual suspects see millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money available in legal fees if it happens, and more personal publicity than you can shake a stick at.

Worst of the worst

The Home Office is in line for the Most Incompetent Government Department Award for 2014. The latest scandal is that the idle staff are making no attempt to check up on the people to whom they hand a British passport, with the result that thieves, murderers and criminals of all sorts get them more or less as of right just by telling the idle staff that they are okay people.

Playing by the other guy’s rules

Is the world shocked by the report on the CIA’s activities against Islamist terror suspects? Of course, not. The activities of the Islamists gave the CIA a licence to do anything they liked in return, and the activities of Al Kaida and IS renew that licence every day. Mr. Nice Guy has no place in a conflict like this. Only lying politicians and the friends of terrorism will tell you otherwise.

Sneaky trick

The Chancellor has clearly left the details of his Diverted Profits Tax to HMRC. This is evident from the news that Google and all the other diverters will be given HMRC-style sweetheart deals, which will let them decide how little tax they need to pay.

Have mercy!

I’m feeling really war’ed out at the moment. When you get Paxperson and Tony Robinson putting their personal stamp on it – Tony Robinson’s World War One? Really? Was it him who started it and kept it going for 5 years? – you realize it’s time to lose interest and move on.

Just another hand going into the taxpayer’s pocket

Will we ever have a hunger-free Britain. The looney left would have us believe that throwing vast amounts of taxpayers’ cash at usual suspects will do it. But they have no answer to why people buy cigarettes, booze, mobile phones and huge TVs instead of food for themselves and their kids. [Could it be that they think they don’t need to buy food because they expect the taxpayer to buy it for them and put it in food banks?] And the loonies don’t seem to be able to square this with the results of yet another of these surveys, which found that vast numbers of “poor” kids are obese!

Thought for the day

Life is analogue, not digital? Try telling that to motoring morons who cut you up and then start waving digits at you.
p.s. How many potholes would a billion quid fill?

Typical government thinking

Dave the Leader plans to waste £1 BILLION on a new road, which will go under Stonehenge and stop some of the people who paid from it from getting a view of the monument.

Some people just can’t handle it

Does wealth drive socialists mad? Former Labour minister M. “Mealymouth” Meacher, proud possessor of a housing empire worth missions, thinks thieves should be allowed to plunder as much as they want if their benefits are cut off for misconduct, and if they end up in court, the jury should apply socialist principles and let them off. Maybe they could also be allowed to leave court with a few of Mr. Mealymouth’s addresses and a map.
    And then there’s Red Ed, another socialist millionaire, whose many outbreaks of drivel are a matter of record. And also the multi-millionaire Tony “Name-Shrinker” Benn, who didn’t think his alleged socialist principles applied to his own fortune, which he was at pains to keep out of the hands of the taxman to avoid benefitting the workers he claimed to embrace.

Interesting thought

New Labour created a Customer Society in which the customers had rights but very little redress. So that railway companies were obliged to provide “customer service” but not obliged to provide trains for letting the customers do what they came to the railways for – to travel.

She’s right-on, so the kid don’t count

Isn’t it strange that a woman would give up a job and deliberately go on benefits in order to blog about the effects of poverty and deprivation on her child? What’s even stranger is that lefty luvvies and Guardianistas aren’t yelling for her to be locked up for felony child endangerment.

You lose. Always.

Don’t you just hate it when Sky TV swindles you by not showing the advertised programme? But I suppose there’s a bit in the small print that no one ever reads saying they’re entitled to take your money but they’re not obliged to give you anything in return.

Lenovo? Well, they got the “no” bit right!

I was thinking about a bigger and better laptop during the week and I had a guy trying to interest me in a Lenovo product. He gave up when I showed him the saga of the Lenovo laptop which I junked back in February. Then I started to wonder. My tech guy mentioned that Lenovo’s tech support phone options had started with an option to get info on a product recall back then. Just out of curiosity, I tried the number the other day and found that Option Zero on the phone menu is still about a product recall. Either the same one or another one. Which doesn’t exactly inspire me to buy anything else from them ever again.

Getting a bit above themselves

According to the self-promotion on the Discovery TV channel, “Nikon sponsors intelligent entertainment programs”. So everything sponsored by anyone else is stoopid? How did that get past the Advertising Standards Authority?

Spot the Difference

Is there that much difference in attitude between Labour’s leaders and the leaders of Al Kaida, IDIS and other Islamist gangs? Both hate everyone who doesn’t agree with them 100%. But (at the moment) Labour just goes in for character assassination and hate campaigns rather than killing people.

What they said, what they meant

The Coalition came to power promising to be the Greenest government we’d ever seen. Unfortunately, what they meant was that they intended to let developers build all over the Green Belt rather than make them fill up Brownfield sites first.

Could Formula One have survived had Hamilton not won the title?

The latest from the rumour mill is that the F1 bosses had a lot of words with their opposite numbers at the Mercedes team and Rosberg was told that his time would come later. Hence his shaky start to the Bahrain Grand Prix, which let Hamilton zoom off into the distance, and his engine and brake problems, which dropped him down the order enough to ensure that Hamilton would take the title even if he failed to finish the race.
   Rumour has it that Rosberg was told that the high life would end very abruptly if the public turned their backs on F1, and he saw the sense of making an investment for the future. And rumour also has it that the chump who came up with the terminally stupid idea of double points for the last race of the season is for the chop.

Respec’

Ed Milipede has come up with a plan to fix the damage caused by his sacked attorney general substitute’s sneering at a supporter of England’s football team. Every candidate for next year’s general election will be required to get a visible Cross of St. George tattoo, and all campaigning will be done from white vans rather than battle buses.

Lies, damn lies and Red Ed Milipede

When asked what he thinks when he sees a white van parked outside a house, Red Ed would like us to believe its ‘Respect’. Really? Not: ‘I hope he’s not parked on the pavement, blocking it’ or even: ‘There’s a white van’ or even no reaction at all because it’s just a white van and there are lots of them around.
    Red Ed’s ludicrous lie confirms that he’s just another of Labour’s professional lefty luvvies, who have no contact with the real world and no concept of what happens in it.

On the job training

Police officers who have been convicted of a criminal offence are now entitled to accelerated promotion on account of having acquired relevant experience of crime.

Here’s a thing!

2% of Scots believe in Red Ed but 24% of them believe in Nessie, the Loch Ness monster.

Covering the rear end

The Metropolitan Police “service” has commissioned a study of the available types of buttock armour. It seems that senior officers are worried that female (or even male) staff who have had a buttock implant might sue if some drunk gives them a hefty kick up the bum and the implant explodes.

More Red Ed idiocy

Mr. Milipede would have us believe that the super-rich pay no tax at all, and he’s going to solve all the debt problems created by the last Labour government (of which he was the member for global warming swindles) by making their pips squeak. And yet, figures from HMRC show that the top 3,000 people contribute 4.2% of the annual income tax revenue while the lowest-paid nine million taxpayers contribute less than 4% of the total. And Ed doesn’t have a single word to say about a future Labour government spending taxpayers’ money wisely and looking after its mates less.

Cloth Ears!

Red Ed Milipede is ready to leave the country!!! As you were, what he actually said was “lead”.

Normal service to be resumed shortly

There has been a death in the family, hence not much going on here.

Yes, Smoke & Mirrors.

So much for Dave's "no way!" to the EU's demand for £1.7 billion, which has been reduced to £850 million after rebates and discounts were applied. It's all going to be paid next year. And wasted by the Eurocrats, of course -- whatever part isn't not stolen, of course.

Historical replay

The alleged putsch launched by Labour back-benchers to oust Red Ed Milipede seems to have had about as much success as the one launched by a certain Mr. Hitler and his mates in the 1920s, when they wanted to overthrow the Bavarian government.

Corrupting the world

The Independent Commission on Aid Impact has found that British aid to foreign countries is making corruption worse in many parts of the world. Why? Because politicians like D. Cameron and G. “Africa is my passion” Brown just throw British taxpayers’ money around to make themselves feel good and to try to buy votes. They have no regard for where the money is going or into whose pockets it goes. This shameful lack of oversight is deeply ingrained and institutionalized. As long as the Overseas Aid mob can swan around the world on fancy salaries and expenses, and go on their junkets, they’re not bothered about crooks ending up with bank accounts stuffed with our cash.

Salvation is at hand, or Balls to the EU

The answer to the EU’s extortionate demand for a further 2 BILLION euros is obvious – let Labour in at the next election and Britain will soon be so broke, thanks to Balls’ Bungling, that we will qualify for a 200% rebate on our EU contributions.

Good idea for here?

In North Korea, watching soap operas is a crime which books the perp an appointment with a firing squad, apparently.

Have they no shame? Apparently not.

7 former Labour MPs and 2 Liberals, who were deselected in 2010 for expenses swindles, are being given another chance to dump their noses into the trough next year. Their respective parties, it would seem, have no problem with having a few more bad hats in their ranks.

Why is every Ed in politics an idiot if he’s Liberal or Labour?

Energy Sec. E. Davey (Liberal) is trying to cause an epidemic of fool poisoning by bribing hotels to turn down the wick on refrigerators in the name of meeting boneheaded EU Global Warming Swindle targets and the illusion of saving the planet from an imaginary threat, which is promoted only by swindlers and business sharks and crooked or deluded politicians.

Is the public sector good for anything?

The electoral register, which will be used for next year’s general election, has been audited and found wanting. It leaves out 8,500,000 people who are entitled to vote and it includes 6,000,000 people who are dead or who have moved house plus fraudulent registrations which have been allowed to remain in place.

Rewards for failure

Is Gordon Brown and the rest of New Labour running the EU, which penalizes success and rewards incompetence and failure the New Labour way? Why else would the EU be demanding another 2 Billion euros from Britain, because we avoided economic collapse, so that it can give the cash to France and Germany, who are struggling.

Guess again, Prof.

Certified genius Stephen Hawking came up with a Chronology Protection Conjecture, which assumes that the Universe protects the timeline and will keep it intact no matter what time travellers try to do to it.
    But why should the Universe be at all bothered by changes to the timeline? One past/present/future is as good as any other. What difference would it make to the Universe if any or all of them is/are changed once, twice or lots of times?
    Does time travel unravel the very being of the Universe? No, it just alters it. And why should the Universe care if the inhabitants do the equivalent of knocking down the odd wall to create more space, repainting or removing stuff which has become unsightly or inconvenient?

It’s all about the money

Why was the government so keen for same-sex “marriage”? As someone pointed out last night, it was so it could collect £100 from pairs who had already gone through a civil partnership, and who wanted to pretend to be married.

Whatever happened to . . .

Someone mentioned CND last night, and everyone wondered where it has gone? Personally, I always viewed it as a total waste of time. Like any government with nuclear weapons is going to give them up!! No doubt the people involved felt good about themselves and what they were doing at the time, that’s about all they ever achieved.

More political garbage

The claim that “only the Liberals will create opportunity for everyone by building a stronger economy and a fairer society” in their draft election manifesto “shouldn’t surprise anyone”, sez a party mouthpiece. Who is perfectly right. It’s standard, empty political rhetoric from a minority party, which know that it will never be asked to deliver things it couldn’t deliver in a million years.

Safe in Labour’s hand? That’s not even a bad joke.

The NHS in England is coming under siege even more; but not from the rest of the world. Patients in Wales are realizing that the Labour stooges running the NHS there are quite content to let them die of neglect and they are flocking to England in ever increasing numbers just to survive. Which explains why the Labour administration in Wales is blocking an investigation by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, which could publish a damning report on Labour’s incompetence before the next general election.

Out of Options

What is Red Ed going to use as his centrepiece for his election campaign? He can’t use the economy because everyone remembers how New Labour wrecked it. He can’t use the NHS after New Labour let people die of neglect at Stafford hospital, and elsewhere, in England and the same is happening in Wales, where Labour has charge of the NHS. Keeping the lights on? That won’t happen under Labour. Europe and EU membership? Defence? Crime? There doesn’t seem to be any area in which Labour doesn’t have a recent history of making a bog of things.

Recycle, recycle

The Justice Secretary, C. Grayling, has announced that he is going to get tough with internet trolls. He made the same pledge 7 months ago, which means that he might just be able to squeak it in again before the next election if he shortens his cycle to 6 months.

A mystery solved

Watched the Roger Moore Bond film Octopussy last night and I noticed “www.MGM.com” below the opening lion logo, which set me wondering. The film was released in 1983 and the internet wasn’t around until over a decade later. But all was revealed at the very end. I’d just seen a digitally restored version of the film, and that’s why the opening logo had been updated.

Even more contemptible, Red Ed

What makes the fake outrage even more scumbagaceous is waiting for 2 weeks with the bugged conversation in his pocket before Red Ed did his comedy act at prime monster’s questions.

Impure political hypocrisy

How strange that Labour sad-sacks in both the party and the charity sector should attack Lord Freud for wondering about a state subsidy for disabled people, who cannot do enough to earn the minimum wage. Could it be that Labour, the party of subsidy bribes, is upset because one of their gang failed to come up with the idea?
    It’s good that drones like Miliband, E., and Eagle, A., were showered with derision when they put on a show of synthetic outrage. It’s bad that all of them will do it again at the next opportunity. Something else that’s bad is that Tory grandees failed to support Lord Freud and chose to go down the synthetic shock road instead.

Empty Words

Dave the Leader says he’s willing to give the EU one last go. But the trouble is, the EU doesn’t deserve any more go’s and if it fails to deliver any goods, Dave will be prepared to give it another last go and another and another . . .

More political hypocrisy

How typical of the Labour party to explode in fake anger when a Tory minister talks about paying disabled people for the amount of work they are actually able to do, even if the market rate is less than the minimum wage. Because Labour is the party of charity – as long as someone else is paying and the recipient is likely to become grateful enough to Labour to vote for them.

Pure insanity!

The Labour party has gone out of its tiny mind. Why else would the party bosses want Gordon Brown, the man who wrecked the British economy and the banks and private pensions, to become the “father of the nation” for Scotland? He is being given some credit for reviving the NO vote in the recent referendum – using his usual tactic of bribing the Scots with English taxpayers’ cash – but the true value of his contribution remains notional. Given the amount of intimidation in which the YES campaigners were indulging, the real truth is that the polls got things badly wrong because people planning to vote NO pretended that they would vote the other way to avoid being beaten up.

The bigger the ratbag, the more protection he deserves?

In the mainly secret trial of the Turkish suspected terrorist, part of the prosecution case is that he may have been planning an attack on an “individual of significance”. So does that mean the rest of us, who aren't Tony B. Liar, are individuals of no significance? Flaming cheek!

Seconds from disaster

How do you know that an Air France flight is about to crash into the sea? You hear both pilots yawning as they wake from a deep sleep and one of them shouts, “FK, we’re dead!” just before a very loud splash.

One or the other

A Turkish man is being investigated after he was found to be in possession of a memory stick with bomb-making details on it and Tony Blair’s address (well, one of the many) on a piece of paper. It is not yet clear whether he is to be charged with a terrorism offence or considered for an award of some kind.

No one in public life is ever to blame

The disgraced Tory MP Brooks Newmark is now claiming that he’s going to fight his demons. Maybe it would be better if he realized that his Captain Underpants Complex is all down to him, not imaginary demons.

It’s only fair

If Dave the Leader is so dead set on fixing the overseas aid budget at a reckless 0.7% of GDP, then the cost of health tourism – some £2 BILLION per year – should come out of this budget. It is grossly unfair to expect the British taxpayer to cough up extra cash for this abuse of our hospitality.

Consequences?

So everyone has to keep totally silent during the Russian anthem at their Grand Prix on FIA orders. Or what? Be shot by the snipers on the stands? Very weird. Not much of a race, either.

Get the OuiJa board out!

The Home Office has refused to issue visitor visas for a choir of Ugandan orphan children because they didn’t provide letters of consent from their parents.

Trust me, I’m a landscaper

One of the staff had an interesting experience on his day off. He was pottering about at home when there was some frantic ringing on his doorbell. When he opened the door, it wasn’t the postman, it was a rather agitated bloke waving some sort of identity card. He announced that he was a landscaper (one of the sort who drive around in a van looking for jobs) and he needed to know if the large conifer which he had spotted behind the houses belonged to my employee. The tree, he insisted was much too tall for its setting.
    Agitation turned to disappointment when he was told that the tree was in a neighbour’s garden. And my employee was left with the distinct impression that if he had admitted ownership of the tree, then he would have been told that it was a clear and present danger to life and limb, and it had to come down at once. Luckily, his door-stepping landscaper was an qualified tree expert and able to do the job instantly for a small fee. Maybe a thousand pounds? Seeing it was such a big tree and there were all sorts of ’elf and safety considerations involved.

Beauty & the Beast on the Watch TV channel

A big snag of shoving a long break into a series is that when you start watching episode 17/23 of series 2, you're sat there wondering who all these sort of familiar people are and what they did in the previous 16 episodes.

Liberal lunatics

“Carbon is the enemy” was the slogan proclaimed by some well-lunched person at their conference. So when are the Liberals planning to attack China and India for shoving vast amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere from their coal-fired power stations? Amounts which make Red Ed’s Climate Change Act (2008) a nonsense? And how many microseconds will they last when they make a suicide attack on the “polluters” before Clegg and the half-dozen idiots with him are blown to carbon dioxide?

Sky Sports: totally useless

Switched on for the replay of the Japanese GP yesterday afternoon, but got just a load of crap and fillers, endlessly repeated. And no explanation from Sky Sports. No on-screen caption to say a driver was seriously injured and the repeat had been cancelled, which would have been very easy to do. Nothing on the website, either. When it comes to quality of communication with its customers, Sky would really struggle to get within a million miles of piss-poor, even with a full tank of gas.
    Tried again today. According to the TV menu, the grand prix should have been on but all that was on the screen was a repeat of qualifying. So we thought, “Balls to Sky, we’ll watch it on the BBC red button.”

Ed’s talking Balls again

One of the architects of the deficit and the ruination of the economy under Blair & Brown is claiming that his mansion tax would raise billions for the NHS. Fine. The only problems is that Labour’s record in office tells us that they won’t spend the money on anything useful and we’ll end up with more scandals and unnecessary deaths – as at Stafford hospital and elsewhere – and more tax and waste scams, like Gordon Broon’s PFI swindle on the taxpayer.

Tom & Jerry cartoons are racist?

Only to PC Looney Lefties, who want to cover up history’s piano legs and rewrite it to satisfy their own twisted prejudices.

Reasons why Gordon Brown is a reject No. 1,583

Brown is claiming that preventing Scottish MPs from voting on purely English matters will turn the Scots into 2nd-class citizens with downgraded MPs at the House of Common Criminals in Westminster. He also thinks that a fairer future for England will drive a wedge between Scotland and England (bigger than the one created by Alex Salmond’s pathetic whingeing), and that the Union could be lost “by mistake”.
    Such is his loss of contact with reality that he thinks no one will notice that this is (im)pure Labour party self-interest and nothing that will do any good for swindled English taxpayers. But Brown’s career has demonstrated that the interests of the taxpayer have never figured in his political plans.

How tiresome can they get?

Jeremy Clarkson does a programme for the BBC in Argentina which involves using a rented car with the number plate H982 FKL and that’s something to do with the Falklands war? You’d have to be pretty desperate for something to moan about to buy that. Oh, yes, but the Argies are like that, aren’t they? No wonder they lost the war. Which no one is allowed to mention.

Genetic monstering?

Is there some sort of gene which politicians have to let them lie shamelessly and look offended when no one believes their crap? Take the Indian government as a prime example. They’re denying that British overseas aid paid for the satellite, which they have just parked in Mars orbit. But there’s no denying that our money went into their overall budget and if they hadn’t had it, they wouldn’t have been able to afford the satellite. So we paid for it. No question.

Trust, but not as we know it, Jim!

The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority wants to draw a veil of secrecy over investigations of MPs suspected of expenses fraud to avoid reputational damage to the guilty. Which suggests that an investigation of the sanity and competence of the members of the Authority, and the people who appointed them, is long overdue.

Crisis? Really?

A minor Tory minister – no one anyone’s ever heard of – resigns after doing a Captain Underpants on the internet after being bamboozled by the Sunday Mirror. Crisis Rating – zero.

Mark Reckless, Tory MP for Rochester & Stroud, goes UKIP with reckless abandon and threatens a by-election on the eve of the Tory conference. But as he has a long history of not agreeing with Dave the Leader and the whips, Crisis Rating – zero.

Miliband’s convenient forgetfulness

Red Ed forgot to mention the deficit in his major speech to the Labour party conference? Not using notes is a very handy, but not at all credible, alibi.

Labour will save the NHS?

If you want to know what a Labour government will really do to the NHS, as opposed to what Red Ed and his stooges are claiming, just look at the mess Labour has made of it in Wales.

Burnham hypocrisy

Andy Burnham, that’s the Labour stooge who’s promising to save the NHS from Tory privatization? Does he think we’ve forgotten that he let the private sector bid for NHS contracts when he was Health Secretary at a time when his ministerial colleagues were selling their influence in exchange for 6-figure salaries with the private companies concerned?And does he think we don’t remember how he and New Labour brought in a culture of targets and rank bad management, which killed people at Stafford hospital and elsewhere?

Something to look forward to

Red Ed’s 10-year plan for re-wrecking the economy, and Balls’ Tesco accounting and failure to admit his part in wrecking the economy when he was New Labour, and Tony B. Liar’s plan to send troops to fight the BBC’s militants in Syria and Iraq, and people who aren’t working class being put to the bottom of the list of applicants for public sector jobs unless their name is Miliband, Blair, Straw, Kinnock, etc. etc.
    But there is some good news: Two Jags wants to repeal the Breakfast Tax.

Maybe Mantel is not totally to blame for her crankiness

Hilary Mantel is on a peculiar attention-seeking kick with her theGrauniad-fuelled fantasies about murdering Margaret Thatcher, the only effective prime minister in the 2nd half of the 20th century. But she revealed, in an article in the Daily Mail, that she suffered from polymyalgia for a number of years. This distressing condition shrinks the muscles, saps strength and makes every movement painful. So it is possible that being in constant pain for an extended period of time has left her cranky and unbalanced her sense of proportion.

Why do so many Scots hate the English?

The referendum campaign triggered a torrent of bile, which appears to have been fuelled by guilt. The Scots know that they are subsidy junkies, and they feel guilty about it, and they blame the English for their guilt and their addiction.
    The remedy is clear: cut off the subsidies and let the Scots regain their dignity be being obliged to pay their own way. Maybe, if they do receive a dignity transplant, they will regain a measure of pride and lose some guilt and hatred for their neighbours and benefactors.

The Unacceptable Spendthrift

“All bribes offered to the Scots during the end of the referendum campaign will be paid.” Typical Gordon Brown – he’s a world champion at glad-handing with other people’s money.

Yep, that’s true.

Why do politicians always blame the previous government for the shambolic state of the nation? Because politicians are great at causing disasters and crap at putting things right.

Just a thought . . .

In the unlikely event of the Scots choosing to abandon the gravy train of English subsidies, is there any chance of making them pay the entire cost of separating themselves from the UK if it was their idea to do so?

It’s self-evident!

Of course, the Yes campaign in the Scottish referendum is based on lies. It’s being run by politicians.

Not Even A Paper Tiger

The boy Milibandit has sworn to “rip up the whole British constitution” if Scotland votes NO in the referendum. Maybe someone should mention to him that we don’t actually have a written constitution for him to do his circus strongman act on.

Dodgy vs Dodgier

The Gnats, strangers to the truth themselves, are moaning that the BBC is doing biased coverage of the Yes referendum campaign. But it would be remarkable only if the Beeb wasn’t showing bias, given its institutional Looney Left leanings. And the Gnats must be particularly dim if they haven’t spotted that Nick Robinson, the alleged political correspondent, is a Labour party apologist.

After they’ve gone

When Scotland leaves us, will we become Less Britain rather than Great Britain?

Trapped!!

If Scotland becomes a country in its own right, airliners will not be able to leave its airspace, and aircraft from abroad will not be able to enter it, until Scotland has negotiated a deal with other aviating nations. Which means that Mr. Salmond won’t be able to fly to Greece to find out how a scrounger economy works.

Come Referendum Day

Will police officers be posted at Scottish polling stations to prevent intimidation and vote-rigging? And can they be trusted to do the job they’re paid for?

SNP reveals fascist credentials

Any business in Scotland which backs the NO vote will be nationalized/boycotted by the Gnats? So much for the democratic right to choose.

Even more reasons for the Scots to vote YES!!

The cost of postage in England and Wales will fall if Scottish subsidies are removed. So will the price of food in supermarkets. And Scottish athletes will no longer be entitled to train in England at English taxpayers’ expense.

Brilliant idea!

It has been suggested that, following on from the sex offenders’ register, there should be one for useless public servants, like those who covered up child abuse in Islington, Rochdale, Rotherham and elsewhere, and also for those who wasted huge amounts of taxpayers’ cash on things like failed public sector IT systems.

Is there anything Salmond hasn’t lied about?

Jobs: Banks and other big companies plan to move to England if Scotland votes Yes.
Currency: Scotland can use the pound but it won’t get any guarantees from the Bank of England and it will have no say on interest rates.
Oil: His story about a huge underestimate of reserves is fantasy says the industry, including the bosses of Shell & BP.
Banking: A Scottish government will have to find £130 billion to guarantee savers’ deposits.
The Health Service: Privatization scares are just more Salmond lies/propaganda/fantasy.

More reasons for the Scots to vote YES!!

1. The rump of the UK will be entitled to a 9% reduction in its contribution to the EU after the Scots leave the Union!
2. The average life expectancy in the rump will go up if the Scots log out on the Union.

Salmond’s Law

The higher the Yes lobby gets in the polls, the lower the £ and share prices sink and the bigger the bribe Gordon Brown offers to the Scots out of other people’s pockets.

At last, a good reason to vote YES!!

If it happens, there will never again be a Looney Left Labour government in England!!

It’s what they do

Setting Scotland up as an independent country will waste billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money. But wasting other people’s money is never a problem for politicians hoping to grab a slice of the pie for themselves.

7 points at a time, if necessary

Here’s hoping that Lewis Hamilton’s win in the Italian GP is the start of a trend. There’s plenty of the season to wrap up the title, and plenty of opportunities for more things to go horribly wrong with his car. Rosberg’s trips up the escape road at the chicane were very rookie mistakes.

Sadly, Yobs Do Rule

It’s a great shame that Scotland is allowing ill-mannered separatists to rampage unchecked and use extremist tactics against anyone who dares to suggest that they’d be worse off if they left the Union. Smear campaigns by the Gnats are par for the course, just following the Labour tradition, but the equivalent of Brownshirts running riot shouldn’t be.
    No doubt there will be riots and looting when the referendum vote goes against the terrorist faction, and demands for an EU-style re-run until the people vote the right way. But hey, maybe we can persuade President O’Bummer to divert a couple of drones from Iraq to bomb the jihadists in Scotland a bit.

Typical New Labour Copper

H. Orde, the president of ACPO, is nailing his political colours to the mast with his pop at HM Inspectorate of Constabulary’s report, which exposed the police practice of telling people to investigate their own crimes. Orde blames non-policing on “government cuts” without mentioning that there’s no money because Labour wasted it all and drove the country deep into debt. And he also fails to mention that the police can always find plenty of resources for things like putting 20 coppers around the embassy of Ecuador in case J. Assange pokes his nose out, sending a gang of coppers to spend 5 hours rummaging around at Sir Cliff Richard’s home and attempting to fit up stars of yesteryear on molestation charges for which there is no evidence. Further, all 43 police services in England and Wales had their budget reduced, but 6 of them actually manage to do the job they’re paid for. Maybe Orde should be finding out what they’re doing right and passing it on to the rest of the Cheap Police Officers represented by his Association.

No getting away from it

If you put all the money in the world into one bank and gave everyone an account with an equal share of the pot, what would happen?
    The feckless would dash off and spend theirs, then come back with their hands out. The prudent would spend some and stash the rest. The crooks would fill their boots. Entrepreneurs would start making (and losing) fortunes. The middle men would be skimming like mad and the politicians would have their noses in the trough.
    And in the end, there would be mega-rich, endemic poor and lots of people somewhere in the middle. Coz that’s the way that ’uman nature works.

Oh, dear!

The new school curriculum, which emphasizes good grammar and the use of punctuation, is likely to be sabotaged by defective teachers, many of whom never learnt to do either at school thanks to trendy lefty teaching notions pushed by the anti-education teaching unions.

Plain puzzled

You have to wonder about the time sense of our alleged deity. The “breath of life” was administered 13.7 BILLION years ago, when this incarnation of the universe Big Banged into existence. Then nothing until about 10,000 years ago, when human beans became organized enough to indulge in mass grovelling before hypothetical deities.
    So what was Big G doing for the best part of 13,700,000,000 years? Computer games and DVDs hadn’t been invented and there was no one else to talk to. And why 13.7 billion years between the breath of live and organized worship? Did Big G have to go and do some shopping for his mum in a parallel dimension, where 13,700,000,000 years in our terms seem like a couple of hours?
    There’s a lot about this religion stuff that doesn’t add up.

Unwelcome trend

The parents of a dying child take him out of hospital and exercise their right to seek treatment elsewhere. The next thing they know, they’re in gaol because the police issued an international arrest warrant on spurious child endangerment grounds. So their Spanish lawyer starts talking about sueing the police and the hospital. Both legal actions sound richly deserved but the guilty will escape punishment and the British taxpayer will end up shoving cash into the pockets of lawyers again.

Unfair question

Labour’s shadow business secretary, Chunky Umunna, has been derided for not knowing the price of a first-class stamp. But he’s an MP, so he never has to buy one. He just gets one of his minions to put envelopes through the franking machine in his office and lets the taxpayer pay.

If you think the public sector here is bad . . .

A doctor in Italy has been paid for 9 years’ work but he has actually put in only about a fortnight’s doctoring by exploiting crazy rules. He was able to spend the rest of the time on courses, off sick and on paid family leave. His next move will be to not-doctor for two more years by doing a Ph.D. course.

Just a thought for the day

Blaming the thunder on a god and assuming it happens because you've done something wrong demonstrates an overactive guilt complex and an overblown sense of your own importance.

Dave the Disaster

Will Dave the Leader start listening to what the real Tories want now that his MPs are starting to look for alternative homes with some values of the sort which used to be exclusively Tory? Don’t put any money on it.

No one in the public sector is every guilty, in Rotherham or anywhere else

The situation in Rotherham is a road map of the public sector. Those who turned a blind eye to years and years of sexual abuse in pursuit of racialist policies have moved on and they feel no connection and no responsibility. One is even the local Police & Crime Commissioner. He was the councillor “in charge” of social services but, he claims against the evidence, he had no idea what was going on, just like the rest of the gang. And, presumably, he never bothered to read the inconvenient reports supplied to him. Just like the authors of the reports. And what of those involved in aiding and abetting the Asian abuse gangs. Also blameless.

Public sector crimes = no penalties

Will there be charges of criminal racialism brought against the members and officers of Rotherham council, who covered up sexual abuse of schoolgirls by gangs of immigrants from Pakistan for 16 years? It’s as unlikely as charges being brought against the police officers and CPS stooges who joined in the conspiracy.

Bad buy!

Whatever you do, don’t buy a Russian vehicle GPS system. Not after a whole gang of Russian armoured vehicles managed to “stray” into Ukraine “by accident”. As a result of this “mishap”, the crews were taken prisoner by the locals and paraded on TV to make a liar out of President “I’ve got no troops in Ukraine” Putin. Oh, dear.

So much for the “experts”!

“Experts” are claiming that the word fortnight is dropping out of use because it’s too vague. But a fortnight is two weeks, neither more nor less. How vague is that?

A fitting punishment for Rosberg by the FIA?

The Rosberg Manoeuvre: causing a collision with your team mate, knowing that you might suffer some damage but he will end up totally screwed. Not as blatant at Michael Schumacher’s assaults on Damon Hill (he got away with that one because the FIA wouldn’t believe it was deliberate) and Jacques Villeneuve. Schumacher was disqualified from the 1997 drivers’ championship and had all of his points wiped out for the latter offence. Maybe wiping out only half of Rosberg’s current points total would be appropriate. With disqualification to follow if he does it again.

All very puzzling, really

You have to wonder why the area where Michael Brown was shot by a police officer had mainly white cops policing a black neighbourhood. Why is it that the locals don’t see the police as a career? Why won’t they step up and take on the responsibility for policing an area which, they claim, white cops don’t understand?

Repetition

Is anyone surprised that the Scots Nats have corrupted the Scottish civil service and diverted taxpayers’ cash to their own political causes, including propaganda in favour of breaking the Union to massage Alex Salmond’s ego? Not if they know that New Labour did exactly the same south of the border and got away with it.

More licence-payers’ cash down the drain?

As well as causing outrage by invading Sir Cliff Richard’s home to film police officers spend a day turning the place over, the BBC is liable to be sued under privacy laws for broadcasting material which could be of use to any burglars, who feel like taking a crack at Sir Cliff’s mansion while he’s out of the country. But no one will get the sack, of course.

The real story

The last government blew £500 Million on a computer system called eBorders to keep track of people entering and leaving Britain. Naturally, it has huge holes in it because it infringes EU rules on free movement. Worse, the Home Office has a vested interest in ensuring that the system doesn’t work because it lets ministers lie about the true extent of immigration, legal and illegal.

Don’t hold your breath

Will the parents of the children found in the shipping container at Tilbury be sent back to the port of origin, Zeebrugge, to face charges of felony child endangerment? Or will they just get the usual package of benefits and a free home, courtesy of the British taxpayer?

Ignorant dolt!

Some expert is claiming that because King Richard III drank a drink a bottle of wine a day during his brief reign (deduced from tests on his remains), that made him an alcoholic. Which is total rubbish because he lived in an age when it wasn't safe to drink the water.

More abuse

Does being bust and in the hands of the taxpayer mean nothing? Lloyds Bank, which has only just been fined £28 million for its misdeeds, is still threatening staff with the sack if they fail to unload unwanted loans, new bank accounts, etc. on customers who dare to enter its branches.

More news

A police rummage squad has been turning over Sir Cliff Richard’s gaff following allegations of things going on 30 years ago. No hope of finding anything relevant in the way of evidence, of course, but it must have been a bit of a day out for the coppers. At the taxpayer’s expense.

Hidden truth

“News” of the moment is the story, revealed in a air-accident report, of the pilot of a small passenger plane, who made a heavy landing at Belfast airport in windy conditions in February. The landing was heavy because his artificial arm came off. But you had to dig fairly deep before you realized that the clamp holding it to the control yoke came loose; the arm didn’t come off the pilot’s body. A case of “read the story you want to be there, not the actual one”.

Bang away!

Yesterday was the Glorious 12th of August, when those with toffish tendencies can blast away to their wallet’s extent at grouse. Can’t say there was any great explosion of gunfire in my neck of the woods, though.

Lenovo makes peace with AMD?

I’ve just heard from my tech guy, who has been in touch with the lad who got the benefit of the Lenovo Thinkpad, which I junked in February because the AMD video driver kept crashing repeatedly to make the thing unuseable for long periods of time. Apparently, after a long period of trouble, it is now behaving itself and the recipient can’t remember the last time it crash. Still, its replacement hasn’t given me a moment’s bother, so I’m still happy with the deal.

Whingeoholics

People are moaning because our Dave is on holiday. But Dave is the prime monster of Britain, there’s nothing happening here, so now is a good time to be on holiday. Okay, so the Middle East is going up in flames. The Middle East is always going up in flames. And if we steam in, we might do a bit of temporary good, but the problem will remain. The Middle East is full of bolshy sods who just won’t get on. So we should stop trying to unscrew the inscrutable and stop wasting our time on a problem which doesn't want to be solved.

Not exactly accurate or honest

I have discovered, to my amazement, that the 1997 edition of Chambers Biographical Dictionary, which puffs itself as “the most comprehensive and authoritative” such volume, doesn't mention William Shatner or Leonard Nimoy, but it does give a grudging 3 lines to Gene Roddenberry. And yet it claims to cover the world of television. One big fat raspberry on the way to Mr. Chambers.

Pre-Grave-Robbing

The geniuses at HMRC have come up with a truly monstrous scam – to charge people inheritance tax while they are still alive. No doubt, their HR department is busy recruiting a gang of psychics to predict what the unfortunate customer will have in the bank at the time of death so that HMRC can pretend that its acts of pillage are fair and proportionate.

Brain dead

The Dept. of Wk. & Pensions, and its subsidiary the Universal Jobmatch service, conspired to ban an advert from a communications company, which wanted to specify that the applicant needed to speak excellent English for a job on offer in England. Do they automatically switch their brain off when someone joins the civil service?

Planet-Buster

Some genius at the Dept. of Energy & Climate Change has finally worked out that it generates more carbon dioxide if you convert a coal-burning power station to wood chips, and fly in the wood chips from the other side of the world. But nothing is going to be done to reverse the policy and/or put something more sensible in place, of course.

What they say and what they mean

Everyone at the Mansion has been assured that their vote matters by our local Electoral Registration Officer. Apparently, everyone is now responsible for making an individual registration instead of leaving it to the head of household. The 2-page letter is very coy about the reason for this, but it’s obviously an attempt to address the problem of 50 people being registered to have a postal vote at the same one-bedroom flat in an area where “community leaders” take charge of the postal votes.

Movie Night

Ancient and modern on the TV last night. First up, The China Syndrome (1979), a vehicle for Jack Lemmon, who put in an anguished performance as a shift supervisor at a nuclear plant, who found there were problems and was murdered by management stooges because of it, with some ineffectual flapping around by TV journalists also going on.
Then Sand Sharks (2011) which is a ripoff of elements of Jaws (the festival and the beach not closed) and Dune (monsters that can swim through sand, only sharks not giant worms). If you are into dafty sciffy films, this is what you need to be watching!

Bullets Baffles Brains

Put a gun in a copper’s hands and his brain switches off. That would appear to be the conclusion to be drawn from the story of the deer in County Durham, which was struck by a car and badly injured. There was no vet handy to put the animal out of its misery, so a couple of firearms officers were given the job. But instead of shooting the deer, they proceeded to batter it to death with a crowbar.

This is what Green Crap is all about

How is it saving the planet to cut down trees on the other side of the world, use vast amounts of energy to reduce them to wood chips, and FLY the chips across the Atlantic to burn in power stations here instead of coal? But that’s something which the present and the previous governments think is a good idea.

Dream on

The governor of the Bank of England thinks the banksters at Lloyds Bank, who conspired to defraud the taxpayer, should face criminal charges and go to gaol. But a banker in gaol? That would never happen!

I’m all right, Jack

Having had a good moan about delays at the passport offices, the public sector union in question has chosen to aggravate the situation with a strike. Never heard of hypocrisy, of course.

Mercedes bog it up

It might be fair enough to ask a driver to let his team mate go past if he’s closing in on him at pace but if the guy can’t get near him, it’s just daft. Was it unreasonable to expect Lewis Hamilton to slow down to let championship rival Rosberg go past him? Yes. Will that stop the team making a similar bone-headed request in the future? No.

Very low farce

The WWE pretends to be against bullying but there would be no TV shows left if you took the bullying out of a WWE script. And is there anyone who hasn’t been involved in the bogus arrest with handcuffs script?

The thin edge of a very wide wedge

Police plans to kidnap mobile phones from every driver who is involved in an accident won’t stop there. Before we know it, passengers will be included and then every piece of electronic equipment, even laptops and tablets locked in the boot. And equipment belonging to spectators and then everyone living within a 5-mile radius of the incident. Because coppers with the power to grab something from a member of the public know no boundaries.

At least we know at the moment

Labour, paid for by the trade unions and people chasing honours, is moaning that the Tories are paid for by Russian oligarchs. But the money has to come from somewhere. And let us not forget that if politicians had their way, either all of the donations would be top secret, or the cash for political parties would come from the taxpayer and we wouldn’t be allowed to know how much they get or what, or who, they spend it on.

Isn’t it warm here?

I’ve just been taking a short break in a cooler clime as relief from what the weather is doing to us in Britain. This really is quite an exceptionally warm spell. No doubt there have been lots of similar ones in the past, but my memory isn’t supplying any. Which is probably normal for most people, and why the Global Warming Swindlers get away with their claims that things are really hot and we need to give them more money.

He doth protest too much

How do we know that Russians shot down the Malaysian airliner over Ukraine? From the hysterical quality of Putin’s denials and the laughable lies coming from the regime.

Get out of gaol free in Brum

Michael Gove is replaced as education minister and surprise! The teachers involved in the Islamist take-over plot in Birmingham are all going to keep their jobs. So that’s another endorsement for Islamic racialism and social distortion. And no misconduct in office charges against the members of Birmingham council who ignored warnings about what was going on. How very, very cosy and New Labour.

Just how stupid do they think we are?

The Russians are claiming that the Malaysian airliner, which was shot down by their stooges in eastern Ukraine using a Russian SAM, was in fact shot down by the Ukrainian government because they thought it was Putin’s personal plane with Vlad the Awful on board.

Another Dave Disaster

Michael Gove was one of the few Cabinet ministers doing a good job, and the only Education Minister prepared to stand up to teaching unions which think that turning out kids who can read, write, do sums and behave like reasonable human beings breaches their ’uman rights. So, naturally, he had to go to avoid further unfavourable comparisons with the clunkers. The only wonder is that IDS still has a place in the Cabinet.

Phew, over at last

If the World Cup final is still nil-nil after the 90 minutes will we switch off? As it happens, we didn’t but we did decide that we definitely would switch off if it was still scoreless after extra time. A win by penalties is no way to settle the last gasp of anything. I don’t think anyone was actually watching the screen when Germany scored their goal. But there are always replays. Lots of them.

World Cup semi-final alibi

The Dutch and the Argies are blaming their inability to find each other's goal on a failure of Brazil's notorious GPS system. Outraged Brazilians are now demanding to know why it wasn't switched off long before Germany put 7 goals past their team.

It also has to be said

It comes as no surprise to learn that the politicians who are so desperate to take on the power to censor the news media are up to their necks in a cover-up of child abuse by Top People.

It has to be said!

Brazil were so bad in their World Cup semi-final against Germany that even England could have beaten them last night.

Ain’t goin’ nowhere!

It’s amazing what sort of a tangle big companies can get themselves into through sheer ineptitude. Take Eurotunnel and Eurostar. One of their trains breaks down a mere 8 miles from the British coast and the whole system grinds to a halt because there’s no plan for hauling a broken-down train out of the tunnel.

What??

“You look rather tanned, have you been down a coal mine?” Is that a racist comment? Does it even make sense?

Everyone’s getting in on the racket

If everyone is entitled to their own firm of bogus lawyers, I’m having Poulson, Blair & Ponzi, Debt Adjusters.

Really? No one?

No one is above the law, says Dave the Leader as his ex-spin doctor is sent down for 18 months for phone hacking. Really? Jimmy Saville? Tony B. Liar? Cyril Smith? To name but three.

Survival of the Luckiest

There seem to be no obviously better teams at this stage of the World Cup. It’s the same script every time: one side gets lucky when both sides are getting too shagged out to move or think, and what went on in the first 90 or so minutes is totally irrelevant.

Merkel’s Man

What they’re saying about the president elect of the European Commission: “You have to catch him before noon because he’s usually too drunk to think in the afternoon.” And Mrs. Merkel and all the others who picked him as their stooge knew that. So what does it say about the quality of Europe’s “leadership”?

Rain? Panic!!!

The Indy Car drivers really are clueless when things get a bit wet. Last night’s race at Houston was a real hoot with drivers making ludicrous blunders. Although, you have to feel sorry for the likes of Sato, an ex-GP driver, who was crashed out by an idiot rookie when he was doing superbly well.

Who Goes Home?

It's interesting that the Latins; Italy, Portugal and over-rated Spain; crashed out of the World Cup with England despite having superstars in their ranks. Looks like getting them to perform to order is far from easy, even with the biggest prize in football is on the line.

England’s Revenge!

Suarez of Uruguay dared to bad-mouth England and our meeja in his alibis for resorting to cannibalism in the World Cup. And now, he’s gone from football for 4 months. There’s something for other stroppy and ungrateful foreigners to bear in mind.

Shooting from the lip

No sooner did Labour’s darling Chunky Umunna call UKIP supporters ignorant as far as getting onto the internet was concerned than the Labour Facebook page was overloaded with derision. “Go like that and go wrong,” as they used to say on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In.

One mystery now solved!

People have been asking whatever happened to Count Dracula. Now, the truth can be revealed. He’s found himself a really effective sunblock cream and he’s playing football for Uruguay under the name of Luis Suarez.

The Way of the World Cup

Hello! He’s fallen down so I’d better fall over too to bamboozle the ref.

Boooo!

Was Sepp Blatter booed when he dared to show himself at Belgium vs the Evil Empire? Well, he certainly was where I live!

Worst Image of the World Cup

That wimpy Serbian ref going 30 yards to replace a corner flag ripped up by a stroppy Argie and not giving the spoilt brat a yellow card.

Not too credible

If Suarez scored his goals against England only to get back at the FA for ticking him off when he behaved like a twat, then that has to be a strong contender for the Worst Whinge of the Year Award.

Is the guy a genius? Nah

Wow, gosh! Some guy has discovered an ancient way of cutting a cake. Instead of slicing triangular wedges, you should cut parallel lines either side of the centre, remove the almost square shape and push the rest together to stop the cake drying out. The genius admits that this applies only if the cake is iced. What he seems to have failed to notice, however, is putting an un-iced cake (or a conventionally sliced one for that matter) in a plastic bag and sealing the bag with a twister or a plastic clip also prevents the cake from drying out. But that’s probably too obvious a solution for our genius.

Oh, well.

It’s the England we know and love. Crap at the back with a defence full of holes and guys asleep at the wheel. They boy Wayne made the first goal then did nothing, so he should have been taken off at half time. Brigadier Gerrard did nothing, too. What we need are the young, keen players, who might feel tempted to take the fight to the opposition instead of just cruising around.

It’s official!

The evidence from the early matches is that all of the refs picked for the World Cup are rubbish, not just the guy picked for the opener. Either that, or they’re giving all the weak links a run out in the first round and reserving the ones who know what they’re doing for the later rounds.

It’s all in the description

The Japanese ref for the World Cup opener was “almost certainly useless, not corrupt”, which makes the swindle Croatia had to put up with okay.

Least likely explanation of all time

It seems the “crisis, wot crisis” as the nation’s passport offices is all down to the government not doing an advertising campaign in March to tell people to get their passport applications in early in the summer, and the population being too thick to realize that it is the experience of decades that they need to get passport applications in early in the summer because there’s a Noahdic flood of them at that time of year.

Immovable Object?

Do the people who want to see Blatter gone from FIFA have the votes to get rid of him? I suppose it all depends how effective the bribery has been!

Zombie myths not busted

The Mythbusters special on zombies was the usual fascinating viewing, but they are due for a shower of emails in response. They established that an axe is twice as effective as a gun for slaying zombies by destroying their heads, but as Adam & Jamie both ended up equally dead, the difference was academic. Same with the barn door myth. Jamie “nailed the crap” out of it with every spare bit of wood to hand, and kept Adam and his 100-strong zombie gang out, but they didn’t even consider what the gang could have done to the walls of the 150-year-old barn.

Speedy amnesia

There’s nothing like a separation of a couple of years to increase a politician's loss of contact with reality. Which is probably the reason why Gordon Brown is now claiming that he didn’t wreck Britain’s economy with his reckless spending and leave us hugely in debt. It was a global problem, he reckons, hoping to cast the blame in the direction of global warming.

How long before it’s everyone?

The Russian death toll from World War II keeps going up and up. It was 26 million last week. But this week’s Mckay the Noo column in the Daily Mail puts it at 28 million. How much will it be next week? That’s anyone’s guess. But the one thing that won’t change is that the size of the death toll was as much to do with Stalin’s lack of concern for the lives of his cannon fodder as the killing efficiency of Hitler’s war machine.

Thanks a bunch!

A fortnight’s rain (reduced from yesterday’s month’s rain) in an hour thanks to hot air leaking over from the Continent? Will we ever get anything worth having out of the festering swamp that is Europe?

Where he went wrong

President O’Bummer is getting a lot of stick for swapping one sergeant, who’s being accused of being a deserter, for five hotshot Taliban terrorists. What he should have done, of course, is give the departing terrorists a tea party, at which they were served some of the polonium tea that the Putinocracy used to murder Alexandr Litvinyenko.

Daft stories of the day

No. 1 comes from Tenerife, where a bloke dressed up in a gorilla suit to test the zoo’s gorilla escape plan was shot with a tranquillizer dart by a vet who hadn’t been told about the drill. No. 2 comes from New Jersey, where “experts” reckon they can substitute “free-form gestures” (a.k.a. finger-painting) for a password on touch-screens but don’t explain how anyone is going to remember them. No. 3 comes from Ciampino Airport near Rome, where someone left the handbrake off on a Ryanair 737 and it rolled back to a crash with a garage for a fire engine. Some “experts” are saying the £200K damage to the tail will be enough to justify writing off a £72 million aircraft. What planet are they from!!??

Gordon’s new job?

The European Commission, which gave us (and cost us) the disaster of the eurozone, where there is stagnation and Japanese-style deflation is predicted, has taken it upon itself to offer our Chancellor some free advice on running the economy (into the ground), including instructions to raise taxes. Has Gordon Brown retired there, by any chance?

Another wonderful study . . .

. . . has found that if a hurricane gets a female name, then people will assume it’s less harmful than one with a male name, and they’ll be more likely to try to ignore it and get themselves killed!

You know you’ve got it right when . . .

. . . Tony Blair starts pointing a finger at you. The sacked ex-prime minister, who flooded the country with foreign migrants in an attempt to rig the voting system permanently in Labour’s favour, is trying to do a knocking job on Nigel Farage, the leader of UKIP. Which amounts to an endorsement in the eyes of most people!

Try hard enough and you can “prove” anything

Today’s wonderful study in the Daily Disaster warns us that sleeping in a room with thin curtains will make us fat. If you’re exposed to too much light during the night, your waist measurement and your body mass index both shoot up. Well, who’d have thunk it!

Interesting, if true

Would you believe that parents having plastic surgery and/or Botox injections prevents their offspring from empathizing with them? It makes a sort of sense, I suppose. A kid should be able to count on knowing that his/her parent looks like, and they deserve to be brought up by human beings, not expressionless robots.

It’s what they do!

Is anyone really surprised that the Liberals are as nasty as any other party? C’mon, man! They’re politicians. Nasty, back-stabbing, grabbing and all the other stuff is what they do naturally.

Wrong again, Ed.

Ed “weird joke” Miliband thinks that Eurosceptic parties have no actual solutions to the problems of the 21st century. Giving people a comfortable alternative to voting Labour is a pretty good solution IMNSHO.

Euro-election musings

How interesting! The BNP expects its defectors to return when they find UKIP not radical enough for them. The same way the Tories expect their defectors to come back from UKIP.  Meanwhile, the current masthead slogan of BlackFlag News is: "You're never too old to believe something stupid". Which explains why people are still voting for Labour, evidently in the belief that they won't screw up the economy again if they get into power again.

Not the whole hog?

What was Red Ed Milibandit doing, showing the nation that he has no idea how to tackle a bacon butty? Isn’t he supposed to be Jewish or something? Which means he should be religiously prohibited from eating bacon. Or is he like Jonathan Miller: Jew-ish, not the whole hog? Or only Jewish when it suits him, like a typical bloody politician.

Hype rulz, OK!

One minute, we’re being told there’s enough oil under the south of England to keep us going forever. Then the dream is shattered and it was all sordid exaggeration. Oh, well. C’est la stinking vie.

Some good news at last

Research in Spain has found that red wine can kill off acid-forming bacteria on teeth. So that’s a pleasant alternative to toothpaste available to vinophiles.

Well done, Prince Chazzer!

You can tell how guilty the conscience is from the extent of unreasonableness in the response. So His Putinness’s over-reaction to Prince Charles comparing his infiltration tactics in Ukraine to those used by Mr. Hitler tells its own story. The truth hurts, and it really hurts a character who ended up with $40 billion of his country’s assets somehow.

Ignorance or something you don’t need to know?

Is it possible to feel sympathy for Red Ed Milipede in one small area? Yes, is it. The consensus among the staff at the Mansion is that real people buy stuff when they need it and they don’t add up what they’ve spent at the end of the week, or try to work out a weekly average from a month’s receipts (assuming they have them for everything). Not knowing what you spend per week, as long as it’s less than what’s coming in, is perfectly normal.

Lifestyle Issue

How degenerate is it to put good red wine on Irish Whisky Cake from Aldi? Terribly? Not much? Or: Who doesn’t?

Here’s another one

A “study” has concluded that Axl Rose is the greatest vocalist of all time because he has the greatest vocal range. Except, greatness is about what you do with it rather than how big it is. Yes, Guns N’ Roses have done a lot of good stuff with Axl fronting them but if your starting point is rubbish, that’s what the outcome has to be.

So what if they have?

We are informed that “NASA chiefs have said that sending a manned mission to Mars is ‘necessary if the human race is to survive’.” We’ve also been told that building vast numbers of windmills and taxing carbon dioxide is equally necessary. Just because someone with a vested interest says something, that don’t make it so.

You can prove anything you like with a good “study”

Okay, so messing about on the internet drives kids nuts, according to the latest study. What’s the betting there will be another along in a while saying this one got things 100% wrong? The way the “eat dark chocolate and drink red wine to live forever” study was grotted all over this month.

Forgotten at a price

The Euro Court of Justice might have invented a ’uman right to be forgotten but it has no powers to make that right come for free. So maybe the search engine companies should let the bent politicians, the paedophiles, the crooks and the other bad guys wanting to whitewash their past that they will have to pay through the nose for the privilege. It won’t stop them but it might slow them down a bit.

Poor old Mr. Farage!

He’s got the usual suspects really worried if they have to resort to sleaze, personal attacks and digging out every member of his party who says something slightly unfortunate, rather than facing up to the issues of the election. Still, he has the consolation that it’s a sign that his party will do really well before sinking back down to the horizon next year.

Oh, no! They got it wrong!

I have a stock room full of red wine and dark chocolate, having been assured that the antioxidants in them will let me live forever. But suddenly, some bunch of killjoys in Baltimore is trying to tell me the “research” which promised so much got it wrong. But what’s the betting that someone else will “prove” that the gang in Baltimore are talking through their hats? In the meantime, I shall carry on with the red wine and chocolate and ignore the killjoys.

No escape from coke

“What recession?” I ask if cocaine consumption is so high that drinking water is full of the break-down products of this drug – what’s left after it has passed through the human body, which is not a nice thought! And it’s all over our banknotes. Not to mention the House of Commons, which is a sure sign that MPs and their staff are being paid way too much.

This is the Europe we know and love!!

A bearded drag queen from Austria has won this year’s competition to find a Song for Europe. And today’s papers are referring to him as “her” and “she”.

Horrible Humbug

You have to laugh at distance the lunatic left will go to be offended. The latest cause for alarm is a pack of Arial washing powder, which offers 83 washes plus 5 bonus washes for a total of 88. What’s wrong with displaying that number prominently on the packet? Well, as H is the 8th letter of the alphabet, 88 translates to HH, which stands for Heil Hitler – as well as Horrible Humbug and lots of other things. And the looney lefties want it banned for this reason.
● Using the same rule, anything with the number 18 should be banned, because that stands for AH or Adolf Hitler, and also 46 – DF or Der Führer, which is bad news for MotoGP rider and multiple champion Valentino Rossi, as that number is famously his.

Bonkers Haram

Just a thought, but how come Al Kaida and the other extreme Islamists haven’t declared Jihad on the Boko Haram bunch in Nigeria, whose leader is planning to sell schoolgirls as sex slaves because he thinks Allah will be cool with that. Or are they happy with what he’s doing in the name of Islam?

It’s only taxpayers’ cash going down the drain

A primary school headmaster in south London is being paid the best part of a quarter of a million quid per year. What sort of value for money is that? Everyone involved in deciding to pay him that much deserves the sack, but it’s the public sector, of course, where all sense of responsibility evaporates in record time.

Vested Interest

GPs are going to be voting on whether NHS patients should pay even more for an appointment with them. What next? Convicts voting on whether they should be kept in gaol?

Elastic morals

Religion Red Ed Miliband style – “I don’t believe in God, but I’ll say that I do if there are any votes to be had.” Is this what they used to call pragmatic politics?

It’s a fair question

Where did “pro-Russian demonstrators” get surface to air missiles to shoot down Ukrainian military helicopters if not from the Russian government? Or some similar source of terrorist supplies?

Muck-Rakers really to blame, not Clarkson

To be accurate, Mr. Clarkson didn’t cause offence by mumbling nigger in an out-take. Any offence, real or contrived, has to be down to the leftie creeps who dug the out-take out of the waste bin and waved it around. So the creeps should be the ones due to apologize whilst spending a day in the pillory, being bombarded by all sorts of unpleasant stuff, not Mr. Clarkson.

Best story of the week

It’s the one about the Indian government deciding that election results would come in quicker if they abandoned paper ballots and started using electronic voting machines, as they do in the United States. But when they started getting the machines out of storage for their last lot of elections, they found that rats had been chewing the wiring and the machines were useless.

0/10 for diplomacy

It will be interesting to hear what Alex Salmond will pretend that he really meant when he called the Scots a nation of drunks as his excuse for upping the price of alcohol. He also seems to be an admirer of the kleptocrat V. Putin, which suggests that he might start making territorial claims south of the border if he does get to be president of an independent Scotland. His only problem will be that he won’t have the fire-power to back them up.

A+ for use of technology!

I was intrigued by the story that French spies could be using Youtube videos to pass on short, coded messages. It certainly sounds like a great idea!

Good Story!

What will they come up with next! Apparently, thanks to global warming, rivers in the south of England are now warm enough to keep flesh-eating piranha fish alive. Which means that anyone caught in another round of floods has something else to watch out for; being eaten alive whilst wading about in their garden.

Originality: not BT Sport’s strong suit!

Has anyone else noticed that the BT Sport F.A. Cup self-promo is a Chinese copy of one of their payday loan adverts? Clearly, going for something new is something that BT Sport doesn’t do.

BT Sport: just a bunch of cowboys

It’s strange that BT has spent zillions of pounds on buying up the rights to sporting events but they lack the nous to put in place something as obvious as a continuity announcer to keep the customers informed. Thus when the Indy car programme failed to start at 8 p.m. last night, there was a lot of heckling of the pointless self-promos and irrelevant interviews that were shown instead. It looks like there’s just some bloke in a control room, playing bits of tape and switching in live feeds, and there’s no one there to tell the customers why the schedule has gone haywire.
    It would appear that the suits at BT are used to pigging it up in the hospitality tent but they have no idea how the day-to-day basics of TV should work, and they don’t have the sense to hire people who know how to run a TV channel.

Time to call them what they are

What do you call members of the public who rampage around with guns and take over government buildings? In this country, they would be called criminals and/or terrorists. In Ukraine, though, they are just “pro-Moscow separatists”, which makes them sound almost harmless. Maybe the world should be asking where these characters got their guns from in the first place and why they are being allowed to keep them if they are not legitimate members of the Ukrainian security forces.

British non-Broadcasting Corporation

It really sums up everything that’s wrong with the BBC if it feels that the public will be satisfied with dramas which offer lovely pictures but mumbling actors. “Okay, you can’t follow the plot, but who cares as long as it looks good?” is their attitude. “And if you really want to know the plot, go and read the book.”

Won’t make much difference, really!

It was amusing to read that Tracy, the “former model”, who claimed that she was a prisoner in her own home whilst junketing on falsely claimed benefits, has been sent to gaol. Being locked up in a little cell should be no hardship for a self-professed agoraphobic. In fact, she should be made to pay for the privilege.

Finally, some good news

So we can drink a bottle of wine a day, or 6 pints, and not drop dead at an early age? Tell us something we didn’t know. I noticed that the anti-booze lobby is calling the ex-WHO doctor’s news “unhelpful” – meaning it’s not helping the miserable bunch to spread doom and gloom. Shame!

No, nothing is sacred

If the government can prepare to sell details gathered by the NHS about the population, it comes as no surprise that HM Revenue & Customs is planning to do the same with its data. One wonders only what will be next.

Shock, horror!

Oh, no! Easter eggs are about to become a thing of the past because the Chinese have taken a liking to chocolate and the world can’t produce enough to satisfy their demand.

Blood Moon! Panic!!

Tuesday’s total eclipse of the Moon was the first of four; all total and unbroken by any partial eclipses. Surprise! Even though 4 in a row has happened 62 times in the last 2,000 years, the world’s catastrophists are busy claiming that after the 4th, which will take place on September 15th next year and be visible from Britain, the World Will End. Just like it did when the Mayan calendar ran out in December 2012 and started another cycle.

The living down to expectations

An interesting story in the Daily Disaster this morning: a jobsworth on a local council banned an annual Easter Passion Play because he didn’t spot the religious connection and thought it was some sort of sex show. Interestingly, the DD let its readers know that the council involved; Oxford; is run by Labour. Which carries the implication that someone liable to make this sort of stupid mistake would need a Labour council in power in order to be put in charge of the licencing department.

United Nation waste of money

Not only is the government wasting money on overseas aid – over £3 billion went to organizations with a track record for wasting cash in the last 4 years – our beloved Coalition is also handing the UN far too much money. As a result, we get bossy wimmin like Mrs. Manjoo from South Africa junketing here at our expense, then telling us we have the most sexist country in the world. Not to mention the softest touch for scroungers and people with non-jobs, like her.

By another way

That Lunar eclipse this morning: I got up early to watch it on the NASA website and there was a lot of disbelief floating around. I’ve seen actual eclipses in Britain and the moon doesn’t go red like that as seen by the human eyeball. Which just confirms my suspicion that all the pictures in the newspapers the next day are taken with some sort of filter which enhances the red to create a pretty but unrealistic picture. And NASA had them on its telescope.

By the way

In case anyone is interested, my tech guy ran into the young lad who had the benefit of the Lenovo laptop with Windows 8.1 and the AMD display hardware and software, which kept crashing all over the place. Apparently, the crashes keep happening in clusters but as the kid got the laptop for nothing, he’s prepared to put up with them and wait for it to get over its indigestion. But when he’s saved up enough for a super-duper computer system, he’s certain that he won’t get it from Lenovo and it won’t have anything from AMD in it!

Wallowing in wheels!

Motor sports fans had a real treat yesterday – the full MotoGP programme, featuring the Moto3, Moto2 and the main class, then the Indy car race around a street circuit @ Long Beach in California. And weren’t they please when the whingeing Aussie didn’t win and British driver Mike Conway held on to the lead to the finish.

Who organized this shambles?

I’ve just found out that the next total lunar eclipse, on April 15th, will miss us. Same with the one in October. And the year’s two partial solar eclipses will be similar dead losses, as far as the UK is concerned. Oh, well. No doubt it will be on the internet.

This mob is running the country?

Drunks, paedophiles and homosexual molesters – inhabitants of Her Majesty’s prisons? No, freeloaders at the House of Commons with the full protection of the Establishment, including MI5. We are forever being told that the majority of MPs are honest, decent people. So why don’t they refuse to tolerate the bad eggs instead of handing them knighthoods and peerages?

The dignity of Parliament? Joke!

Anyone surprised to hear that the House of Commons is full of drunks and sex-maniacs? It does confirm what the nation thinks of our Westminster Wonders – they’re paid too much and they have too little useful to do that they have more than enough time for mischief.

Wasting money? Must be the EU.

Yet another reason for getting the hell out of the EU: everyone is going to have to replace their vehicle licence plates with an EU approved design – and all in the name of putting an EU flag on the licence plate to gratify the egos of the eurocrat wastrels. Time, gentlemen, please!

Gone to be forgotten

Will anyone remember there was a culture secretary called Miller in a few months from now? It’s unlikely. Neither will anyone remember that Dave the Leader tried to apply the New Labour rule that no government minister can be guilty of a hanging offence, no matter how blatantly the crime was committed. So it goes.

New track, decent racing

Yesterday’s Grand Prix in Bahrain just underlined the need for getting rid of the old tracks in Formula One. Places like Monaco, which are supposed to be full of glamour, have few overtaking points and tend to be a dull procession with occasional crashes into the wall. But the guys can get stuck in on the new tracks, which are built for a spectacle.

Save yourself, but what about the world?

Another of these wonderful studies reckons that having baked beans every day will protect people from heart disease and the effects of bad cholesterol. But what about the methane production and global warming? Yet another case of a sad lack of joined-up thinking!

Don’t call us

Ever since the Blair Experience, it has become routine to expect that most Cabinet ministers will be unfit for purpose. The antics of expenses abuser Maria Miller just help to confirm that further. And it doesn’t say much about David Cameron’s judgement that he hasn’t told her to go and spend more time with her one point two million quid profit from the “second home” for her parents. (Are they now homeless, if she’s sold it?)

Slippery slope

There has been some disquiet expressed over the suggestion that the alleged actress, who thinks the BBC should pay her a million pounds because Jeremy Clarkson said the word “slope”, should receive some extreme violence as a form of aversion therapy. But the fact remains that the only way to rid people of the scrounger mentality is to let them know in no uncertain terms that life will be very uncomfortable for them until they grow up and start behaving like members of the species homo sapiens instead of the sub-human homo compensatsiensis.

Got is sussed?

Regular readers of the Daily Disaster can be forgiven for thinking that the spirit of April Fool’s Day thrives the year round, particularly when “studies” are offered for our amusement. So when I read that 5 a day isn’t enough for me to live forever, I should be eating 7, 10 or even 13 portions of fruit & veg. every day, the Foolometer chunked into action. But it got excited again when I read that statins have the same effect as Viagra. And kept on chunking as I progressed through today’s paper.

Yet another one at it

The Coalition’s Liberal (with the taxpayer’s money) Global Warming Minister, E. Davey, has been trying to sex up the latest report from the UN's Independent Panel on Climate Change to justify stealing from the taxpayer with bogus green taxes. Meanwhile, some British experts think the report as it stands is too “apocalyptic” and they are having their names removed from it. Maybe there is some hope for the state of scientific research in Britain if there are people still around who can tell the difference between science and politics.

Another one at it

Since when did dr. Williams, the former archbishop of Canterbury, become an expert on climate change? Since he started working for a charity which sees an opportunity to make some cash out of the Great Global Warming Fraud. And there’s also the chance to get himself noticed with some hair-shirty, “blame the rich West lifestyle” garbage.

Will the lights to out at the Mansion?

It seems that we’re all being encouraged to switch our lights off for an hour at 8:30 p.m. tonight and stumble around in semi-darkness to celebrate the Great Global Warming Fraud. Apparently, it’s a daft idea imported from Australia rather than the United States. Naturally, the WWFforN is involved. No doubt they’ve tagged on a request for a direct debit @ 4 quid per month.

Funny? Weird, more like!

They do say it’s a funny old world, but some things go way beyond peculiar. Which was my reaction to finding out that the UN made that financial genius Gordon Brown a special envoy on global education sometime in the past. What does he know about global anything? Unless it’s global destruction of economies. Let us hope he’s doing it for free and not copping for British taxpayers’ cash for this latest bout of posturing.

Not the sort of expert you’d want

Just a thought, but should someone with a personal record as stained as that of K. Vaz, MP, be pontificating about police corruption? He’s not exactly a paragon of openness and honesty himself, as his suspension from the House of Commons and sundry other brushes with authority confirm.

No kidding?

The things people get a research grant for! Like finding that if people are happy at their work, they are more productive. Well, who’d have thunk it! Still, I suppose doing the “research” kept a gang of people at the University of Warwick in biscuits for a while. And kept them off the streets.

Meeja puff ‘n’ fluff

Does anyone in the real world give a rat’s ass about the Tory beer ‘n’ bingo posters? Would anyone in the real world have seen them if the news meeja hadn’t gone into a faux frenzy? The answer to both questions has to be a resounding nogative!

Industry own goal

How strange that sugar should have turned bread into public enemy No. 1. Here at the mansion, our bread provider puts a bit of sugar into the yeast to get it started, but that’s all that goes into the recipe. The rest is just flour and water and a spot of secret (non-sugar) ingredient. And the end product is met with universal approval.

What has the EU ever done for me?

I have a tin of paint which has “brilliant white” on the label. Only the contents are now canary yellow because the EU messed about with the solvent formulation. That’s what the EU means to me: pointless meddling which always makes things worse.

Who can be trusted more?

The Labour lot are moaning that people can’t be trusted to manage their own pension pot after the Chancellor abolished compulsory annuities, which are currently a rip-off, in the Budget. This is the same Labour lot which stood idly by while Gordon Brown, and his understrapper Eddie Balls, stole the nation’s private pensions and buggered up the banking system and the economy by not regulating the banks and spending every cent Brown could tax or borrow.

Little John nails it

Why is the government making the new £1 coins 12-sided? R. Littlejohn of the Daily Disaster makes the point that the old 3d bits were easy to identify during the blackouts of WW II. And the same will apply to the new pound coins when the Green Crap Tendency in the nation’s political parties puts the lights out in 2017.

Not a trivial difference

Industry “experts” reckon that changing coin collectors to accept the new 12-sided £1 coins will cost £100 million. The Royal Mint reckons £15-20 million. So it looks like the customers are going to be ripped off something awful and someone expects to stroll off with £80–85 million.

Watch the nose grow!

Isn’t it strange how much trouble politicians have with the first rule of messing with the truth. You’d think that someone who considers reality to be entirely fluid would know that if you’re going to lie to the people, it’s always a good idea to give them something they could believe. So when Dave the Leader denies he ever said he wanted to be the “heir to Blair”, it’s a bullet in the foot every time – not to mention everyone thinking he’s just like Tony B. Liar.

Does the kleptocrat have a point?

Vlad the Terrible Putin reckons that Crimea has always been Russian. Stalin certainly did his bit for the cause by murdering most of the inhabitants and filling the place up with Sovyetskis.

But M’sieu!

I discovered quite a good way to put a certain class of French bloke in his place at the weekend. He was strangely upset by my description of the French Revolution as mass murder by a gang of psychopaths (some of whom shared the fate of their victims), which unleashed on an unsuspecting world, France’s prototype of Adolf Hitler: the Little Corporal, a.k.a. Napoleon Bonapart.

Daveingenuous

Our fearless leader sez it would not be very smart negotiating tactics to tell the EU what he wants at the start of his “negotiations” toward rolling back control by Brussels. What he means is he doesn’t want anyone to know what he plans to ask for so that anything he does manage to get (if anything) can be presented as a great triumph for his negotiating skills. Except, that all this talk of negotiating is just smoke & mirrors, which will never happen.

Reflection on flight MH370

Hi-jack an airliner and kill yourself by crashing it into a tall building, and you’ll get to spend all eternity in an afterlife of abstinence with 78 virgins. Oh, you didn’t know they had to stay virgins? Sucker!

Labour’s noisy legacy

Long enough ago to have recycled it, we got a leaflet warning us that the local operators of the national grid would be doing trial voltage reductions to find out how much they can get away with when demand is high. This is because when Labour was in government, they shut down coal-fired power stations, having bought into the Great Global Warming Fraud, and didn’t put an effective substitute in place.
    Yesterday, I became aware of a very distant racket. Ah, yes, I was told by various members of the Mansion’s staff, it’s the burglar alarms. Apparently, voltage reductions have the same effect as a power cut and the more sensitive burglar alarms go off. Lots of them. So that’s something else we have to thank New Labour for – lots of noise pollution to come when there isn’t enough power available to meet the demand.

Value for money

To all the charities which want me to give them 2 or 3 quid every month – how many hundreds of thousands of 2-quids (or 3-quids) does it take to pay the wages of your top management? And what do they do to merit a salary higher than the prime minister’s?

The Benn Rebuttal

Towering figure of British politics? Weirder of the leftie looney weirdos, more like, in the case of the name-shrinking Tony Benn.

Time warp

Looking out of the bedroom window at this foggy morning, I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d fast-forwarded to November. Which would mean either another freezing winter or a mild, wet one. And, of course, the exact opposite of what the Met Office had predicted.

Anything going free will be exploited; and not just by cynical politicians

This could be a statement of the bleedin’ obvious, but could the eagerness of the people to go to food banks be something to do with the fact that there is free food on offer rather than the leftie luvvie BS about benefit cuts? And that some customers, if they don’t have to spend cash on food, are spending it on booze, drugs and riotous living? Just a thought.

Just a hit & run job?

Do big firms ever check what people are saying on their FaceBuk page? I notice that AMD is getting regular complaints from some guy whose laptop has a video system made by them, which keeps falling over, leaving the laptop unuseable – just like the one I junked last month. And someone else has put a posting containing the f-word there. Maybe they just don’t care.

No change

Do I have a sudden fuzzy feeling about trade union boss Bob Crow now that he’s dead? No, I still think he was doing nicely out of screwing cash out of the travelling public for members who don’t deserve it. Let us just hope that his council house doesn’t go to another caviar communist union boss, who’s paid more than the prime minister, but who feels entitled to scrounge from the Council Tax payers of the area.

Consensus? Nonsensus!

Once upon a time, there was a consensus that everything in the universe; the Sun, the Moon, the planets, the stars; revolves around the Earth. And the party line was enforced by some quite frightful sanctions including murder by the State or the Church. The consensus crumbled, like the one about the flat Earth, when science chipped away at the foundations and proved that the notion has no scientific basis.
    Anthropogenic Global Warming, or climate engineering by pretending to be able to mess about with the atmospheric carbon dioxide concentration, has no solid, science-based foundation. Because, if it did have one, the Global Warming Fraudsters wouldn’t have to rely on their consensus. Which is something that belongs in the sleazy world of politics, not one concerned with the truth, as science used to be before the Global Warming Fraudsters and their like started stealing trillions of pounds/dollars/euros from the world’s taxpayers. With the willing connivance of the politicians who are getting a share of it; either directly or in kind.

The language of Europe

Words & phrases most associated with the EU and its institutions: waste, corruption, lack of expertise, cronyism, homogenization to a grey sludge, lack of relevant experience, pointless meddling, lack of competence, mission creep, censorship, back-door federalism.

Consequence consciousness training

Here’s a thought – every EU jobsworth who was involved in deciding that Somerset should be flooded in the name of wildlife and biodiversity should be made to live in a flooded house, and left to his/her own devices, for a month to see how it feels.

Simple logic, really

If the government’s tax and benefit changes have “hit” women 4x harder than men, that just goes to show what a rotten deal men were getting under the older systems, despite all New Labour’s BS about equality.

Leading? Up the garden path only.

“The EU has led the way on combatting climate change,” sez Plaid Cymru MEP Jill Evans. So what has it achieved, apart from wasting a hell of a lot of taxpayers’ money? It didn’t do anything for the flood victims in Somerset and the Thames Valley, that’s for sure.

Beware the P-words II

Under the post-modern umbrella, it is okay to express an opinion, and present it as something authoritative and to be respected, about something which the opinionated person can’t be bothered to read or study to take in the details. This is the M.O. of the instant expert, and the front-persons of nutty cults and protest movements.

Don’t mention the B-word

Barclays Bank has attracted a deal of derision from its customers following a directive not to show news programmes on TVs in its branches in case the customers are confronted with details of how many billions of pounds are going in bonuses to mega-rich bankers who don’t deserve them!

Where there’s corruption, there’s a cover-up

In the wake of the current shame associated with the undercover activities of the Metropolitan police, journalists have made the point that no police force will ever be free of corrupt officers. Maybe they should go on to point out that the present government’s back-door ban on coppers talking to the Press, post Leveson, is part of a strategy to prevent corruption from being exposed so that the government of the day can pretend that there is none.

Just a thought . . .

. . . but wouldn’t it be a good idea to make anti-frackers and other disruptive protesters legally responsible for the cost of policing their activities? There is no earthly reason why the taxpayer should foot the bill for their fun.

Dignity in politics

Although I would never favour bloating the public sector with more non-jobs, I feel the time has come to appoint an official shadow for both the prime monster and the leader of the opposition. The job of the shadow would be to deliver a swift slap to the face when Cameron or Miliband gets an impulse to indulge in a derision-creating photo-opportunity. Only when our top politicians start behaving like responsible adults will we have any hope of getting competent people in these jobs.

Beware the P-words

Most people know that some sort of swindle or bamboozlement is on the way when they hear many words beginning with “pro”, like proactive and progressive. The same applies to “post”. Thus we now have post-normal science in the field of climate research, which explains why the tried and tested Scientific Method and the truth have been abandoned by many of the “experts” in favour of pushing gut feelings and outright data-fiddling (Climategate at the University of East Anglia springs to mind) in the name of perpetuating the Great Global Warming Swindle. And wasting trillions of pounds whilst stealing the present of today’s taxpayers and the future of their descendants.

Time to stop Twitting, Dave!

It’s a measure of the intrinsic insolation from reality of politicians that Dave the Leader will carry on sending out inane messages on Twitter after the derision he got from the picture of himself on the phone looking dead serious as he talked to Baraco Barmer (or whatever his name is).

The urge to waste taxpayers’ cash is irresistible

I see that the Global Warming Fraudsters are still pretending that carbon capture is a realistic option for greening the planet. It strikes me that one thing you can be sure of is that if anyone does start bagging carbon dioxide in abandoned undersea oil wells, some clown is bound to push the wrong button and let zillions of tons escape to turn the North Sea into a giant bath of fizzy water. And oh, what a good time the catastrophists will have. Even after everyone realizes that nothing dreadful happened in the wake of this planet-dooming event.

Eventually, they always let you down

There has been quite a fuzzy feel-good feeling about the Pick channel on TV, thanks to its policy of showing science fiction in the early evening. But the people running it have turned out to be idiots, just like the morons running other channels. The fans of Stargate SG-1 got part 2 of a 2-parter last night without having seen part 1. Because SG-1 was bumped on Monday for a programme about this winter’s floods, which was mainly a platform for Global Warming Fraudsters. So back to the box set for a catch-up.

“Sustainable” explained

If something is described as “sustainable”, what does that mean?
First and foremost, it will be overpriced and terrible value for money. But hey, you’re saving the planet from an imaginary doom and only a cheapskate wouldn’t be prepared to pay over the odds for that privilege.
No. 2: The quality will be terrible. Why? Because saving the planet will involve some personal discomfort – like having to put up with shoddy, overpriced goods in the name of duty to the ecosystem.
No. 3: The quantity will be niggardly, but you can always put your hand back into your pocket if there isn’t enough.
No. 4: You will probably have paid for it already. Sustainability is a magnet for taxpayer-funded subsidies, either directly from the fluffier parts of the government or via its even fluffier quangos.

The school run is killing planet? Really?

Just how stupid do the global warming fraudsters think we are? Their case fell to bits when real scientists pointed out that world temperatures haven’t gone up since 1998, even though the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has continued to increase. But you still get gangs of them coming out with ridiculous scares like this one. This particular lot are a charity – which must be really desperate for publicity, not to mention cash from the poor old taxpayer, if it has to resort to crap like this.

Philosophy Bites No. 1

A few hundred years ago, the Spanish Inquisition and other Catholic institutes were burning people alive to intimidate the rest of the population into doing what the Church ordered. In the current era, we have faux Islamists committing mass murder for much the same reason. So is it any wonder that more and more people are choosing to have nothing at all to do with religion in any form? Not really. Different “faith”, same story.

Spot the difference

It’s Sunday and we had a toast-testing breakfast today. Our kitchen guru wanted to know if we could spot the difference between Warburton’s seeded batch (5 seeds, high fibre) and Allinson’s wholemeal topped out with oat bran. I was a bit sceptical at first but I had to concede the guru’s point. The Warburton’s toast was crumbly and skeletal and the Allinson, which got my vote, held together a lot better and was much more satisfying scoff. The guru thinks the Warburton’s bread has a higher water content, which is why the toast produced is less substantial.