Sunday, 31 December 2017

The 20th century was better than this one!

Something else that couldn’t be made for TV today is The A Team with B.A. Baracas and his obsession with looking out for the welfare of little kids. He would fall foul of the ‘see evil in everything’ lobby and be branded a paedophile by Scotland Yard’s Prevert Squad when the superintendent in charge did a TV appeal for victims after staging a dawn raid, with helicopters, on the A Team’s hideout.

More guesswork

“Why does a new Hollywood film about P.T. Barnum gloss over his outrageous cruelty and racism?” a story title in yesterday’s Daily Mail demanded. Possibly because it’s a film made in Hollywood and the producers thought they’d get a bigger box-office from something entertaining than from something miserable, dull and worthy.

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Just guesswork

2017 has now been demoted to the 5th warmest year ‘on record’. It was the 3rd warmest just one week ago. Which demonstrates how dodgy the judgements are when the accuracy of the measurements is considered and also when dodgy judgements are applied to results which fall well within the error limits of the measurments.

Just overblown with self-importance

When are agents of the FBI and NCIS going to realize that if everyone is pretending to be ‘special’ then no one is?

Ideas that really suck

I’m reading Eye, a collection of SF short stories by Frank Herbert, which came out in the year before he died. There’s one in which beings from some galactic civilization land on Earth and deliver an ‘or else’. Which left me thinking: like some galactic civilization would be aware of what’s happening on a planet of an insignificant star in one of the spiral arms. And like that civilization would regard humanity as any sort of threat or worthy of membership.

Friday, 29 December 2017

It’s all to do with who you know

Some rotters have been expressing doubt, when told yesterday’s joke, about whether J. Corbyn could pass through the training course for Downing Street cleaners and emerge with the necessary qualifications. But if he knows the union boss, he’ll be able to get himself appointed as the non-playing captain of a cleaning team.
    Problem solved!

More cloth-ears

Were they really advertising Nescafé Dodgy Gusto on TV last night? Everyone is sure to want a mug of that!

Thursday, 28 December 2017

A pre-New Year joke

This one is doing the rounds where I live:
    Jeremy Corbyn knows he’ll be in No. 10 within a year. He’s just applied for a job as a cleaner and he’s a pal of the relevant union boss.

Buncha Beefers!

Political correctness is applied by the Jedi in the military – that’s the Joint Equality, Diversity and Inclusion unit, which distributes its BS equally to the army, navy and air force, and all their sub-divisions.

Out of his tree

Lord Tarzan would have us believe that Brexit will be worse for the country than Wolfie Corbyn as PM. Clearly, all those free lunches with free booze have clogged his brain cells.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Preservation is not verification

Let us not forget that a daft idea dreamt up by an ancient philosopher (e.g. Plato) is still daft, even if it is over 2,000 years old and still being quoted.

Not even close

What we watched on Xmas day? Nope, didn’t watch any of the alleged top ten of irresistibles.

Not so Merry

Are there enough bullets in the world to shoot all the feet at Tesco after their Xmas turkey fiasco? The lack of PR skills of some of their management suggests that the rottenness is spread further than among their products.

Tuesday, 26 December 2017

Time distortion

Easter eggs for Xmas? Yes, some of the big stores have stretched holiday crossover to this point. At this rate, it will soon be possible to celebrate next year's Xmas this year!

Three seasonal good cheers

Hooray for President Trump! He has abolished Happy Holidays and given Merry Xmas back to the world. What a terrific bloke he is!

Here we go again

Well, that was a nice Xmas present for Bremoaners, the sneerocracy and was-beens like Edstone Milipede. They can now sound off about the return of blue passports and pretend there’s something wrong with not being ashamed of your country and its glorious past.

Monday, 25 December 2017

Thinking ahead

No newspaper today? What to do about it? In my case, it was read the Sunday Post yesterday and save the Sunday Telegraph for today. After all, there’s no point in getting out of bed if there isn’t a paper on offer.

Who needs education?

I have just finished reading a 1973 SF novel called The Phaeton Condition by Douglas Mason. The title is rather revealing. Back in the 70s, people were still educated and they were expected to know who Phaeton was. These days, we have the internet.

Mysteries in the skies

According to the former director of the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program, which was run at the Pentagon using black ops cash, UFOs do exist. US pilots have spotted things in the sky which are objects which fly and are of unknown origin. So many unexplainable sightings have been logged that it is possible that some could have contained Little Green Men from Venus, or elsewhere, but there is no proof one way or the other.    Some might say that the cash spent on AATIP was wasted. But it did give the boss and his minions the illusion of useful employment, so it did do some good.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

It's your fault, mate

It's all very well for Donald MacLeod to rant about Tory cuts and austerity in the Sunday Post, but let us not forget how we got here. It was New Labour, led by Tony B. Liar (Scottish) and Gordon Brown (Scottish) who spent the country into an enormous mountain of debt and left nothing to show for all the wasted cash. And it was left-wingers like MacLeod (Scottish) who voted them in to office.
    Consequently, unless MacLeod is prepared to be a man and stand up and admit his share of responsibility for the need for austerity, and accept that he is to blame for any misery about which he rants, the rest of us will continue to make noises about pots, kettles and empty barrels.

More 'believe it or what?'

According to another of these surveys (this one by an appliance retailer), 42% of the population has experienced an appliance failure at Xmas and 35% of the failures were of cookers. Is this proof that the Universe really does hate us? Not unless surveys in countries where other holidays are celebrated produces a parallel result.

It's cloth-eyes again!

Who is the patron saint of . . . I saw 'chi' and assumed it was 'chickens'. In fact, it was 'children' but it set me wondering. Do chickens have a patron saint (specific rather than generic St. Francis) and if not, why not?

Saturday, 23 December 2017

Saving the world: the hard choices

The only way to clean up the planet is to use less of its resources, which means reducing the population; not gradually by natural wastage as populations go up, not down, but quickly and by billions. But who will decide who is to be killed and who will survive? And will those picked for slaughter understand that no usual suspects can be culled because they are too vital to be lost?

No perspective

We might be a bit impressed by claims that 2016 was the warmest year on record, and 2017 was the third warmest, if that record went back 2,017 years rather than just a small fraction of that span of time.

Friday, 22 December 2017

New word in search of a meaning!

How easy it is to read ‘inadequate’ as ‘madequate’! All we need now is a definition for this new addition to the language – ‘infuriatingly okay’, for instance, or ‘insanely bog standard’?

Reality Bite

We’ve all been dreaming of a white Xmas? There’s another misleading inclusive. Wet, grey and warmish will suit most of people, thank you very much, no matter what newspaper cliché-mongers would have us believe.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

“We don’t care too!”

The Foundation which hosts Wikipedia leaves decisions on what goes on the site to its editors; a “washed-hands” policy which ensures that hijackings by tiny gangs of nasties are inevitable. Which is something to remember when ‘facts’ on the interweb encyclopaedia don’t seem terribly factual.

“We also don’t care!”

The Europeon Court of Justice, home to some very dodgy characters, has ruled that Uber is a taxi firm not an internet service. US-based Uber sez: “Whatever!”

“We don’t care!”

That’s a refreshingly tough attitude President Trump is taking toward the aid junkies who condemn his plan to move the US embassy in Palestine to Jerusalem. If they won’t back him, they won’t get American cash.

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

Big deal? No, very small, actually.

The French parliament has voted to end all oil and gas production on French soil (that’s France and occupied territories abroad) by 2040. Wow! Amazing! Well, not really. The annual oil production by the French is about what Saudi Arabia produces in its lunchbreak on one single day. Which means that the impact on the planet is not going to be huge.

Tuesday, 19 December 2017

Bodies get busy at this time of year

Leicestershire county council has approved the appointment of an Xmas Sprout Controller to ensure that no resident consumes more than 6 festive Brussels sprouts on Xmas Day.
    A large team of Reallocation Prevention Agents will have to be appointed to ensure that people who do not like sprouts do not hand over their rejected vegetables to a sproutoholic and cause the recipient to exceed the Six-Per-Person Rule.

Monday, 18 December 2017

A weird notion of justice

The former girlfriend of Scottish Labour’s former deputy leader is bent out of shape as the party has declined to investigate a complaint, which she made about him. The reason for dropping the investigation is that she refused to let the accused know what she was accusing him of!
    It comes as something of a surprise, but it’s nice to know that some vestige of justice and fair play remains in pockets of Corby’s Labour; possibly only because Scotland is a long way from his centre of power in London.

The world is saved

The Clash of Titans has been averted. The Royal Weeding will take place during the morning of a Cup Final played at stupid o’clock in the evening [5:30 pm instead of 3 p.m.]. So no clash.

Sunday, 17 December 2017

“It doesn’t MATTER what you think, Jabroni!”

Can you imagine the consternation if America’s leader were to tell the above to the Big Boss of the Russians or Chinese? It’s something which could well happen if the 2024 US election gives us another President Johnson. That's Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who has political ambitions and a desire to be another actor turned leader of the Western World, like Ronald Reagan.

Brown smiles, anyone?

What is the fad for drinking cider vinegar going to do to the teeth of the idiots who have fallen for this latest dotty diet craze? As any fule kno, vinegar contains acetic acid and acids eat teeth.

The Meerkat Plot

It would make a great script idea for an update of the 1960s version of Batman: the bumbling EC president J-C Druncker under threat of assassination by the sinister German Angular Meerkat, who is about to be dumped out of power in her own country, and who is looking for a comfortable and secure billet at the home for failed politicians. Maybe the estate of Robert Ludlum could be persuaded to commission a book?

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Clash of Titans

Am I bothered that Prince Harry is marrying Mrs. Merkel’s little girl on Cup Final Day? As I already have my Cup Final day out booked, not really.

Friday, 15 December 2017

He cannot be serious!

If the Archbish of Canterbury marries Prince Harry AND Meghan Merkel, isn’t that bigamy? [Or trigamy, if his Archbishness is already married?]

Entity: Or is there a ‘non’ involved?

This guy Kevin who does the EE ads on TV – is he a real person we’re supposed to have heard of? On an imaginary person, like the Oxo Mum? It’s difficult to tell and looking him up on Mr. Internet would be too much trouble.

Thursday, 14 December 2017

Just one glass, please

Britain is become a nation of drunks thanks to a sinister plot by the people who run wine bars and pubs. Wine glasses have doubled in size over the last 30 years such that the standard glass now holds about 3/4 of a pint; but there are real whoppers around with the capacity to hold a full 750 ml bottle of wine with room to let it breathe.

Reshaping the world

TV adverts featuring mothers who can cook and run a household, and ads featuring fathers who are miserable incompetents, are to be banned in the name of banning gender stereotypes.
    In future, all mothers will be shown as drunken slags, for whom wine o’clock comes at breakfast time and fathers will be portrayed as high-powered executives with staff to attend to menial parental duties.

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Cowboy accounting

People can’t get cash in lightly populated areas because banks have closed branches but there are still ATMs in shops. Which prompted local councils to come up with the bright idea of shoving an extra £5,000 on their business rates.
    Of course, the result with be even fewer cash machines and no extra cash for the councils. But practical considerations have never ever stood in the way of thoroughly boneheaded ideas in the public sector.

Rattling cages

Brexit Secretary D. Davis has got the spivs in Brussels really rattled if they are reduced to cheap gibes about behaving like a gangster. The more upset he makes the Eurocraps, the better job our Mr. Davis is doing!

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Another of life’s mysteries

Why does Virgin Media think I’ll be impressed by getting a “value statement for July-September 2017" . . . in December 2017?

Compulsory bending?

There’s a firm called Land’s End which keeps sending me catalogues and special offers for frocks and female clothing. I have told them a number of times that they’re wasting their time and postage on a bloke who isn’t a cross-dresser, but they take no notice.
    Could it be that they’re softening me up for some future Labour government making cross-dressing compulsory on a couple of days per week to placate the trans lobby?

Monday, 11 December 2017

S’not Sunday

The weather bods on TV were going crazy about Snow Sunday. Here, we got a token few flakes in the late afternoon but nothing that stuck. Not that anyone is complaining, mind!

Sunday, 10 December 2017

S’no problem here

I was somewhat agog when viewing the pix of snowbound areas on the lunchtime TV news. It’s bloody cold here but we had a sprinkling of snow yesterday, which melted on a warmer day, and we had no more overnight and there has been none so far today. I guess we just live in the right part of the country!

No Contest!

There’s a veritable industry involved in generating complaints about BBC repeats, especially over Xmas. But seriously, if you had the choice, wouldn’t you rather watch a repeat of the A Team on Forces TV than tripe like BBC 1's Come Dancing on a Saturday night?

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Out of sight . . .

The Chinese have decided to stop taking our low-grade plastic and cardboard waste any more as their 4th World approach to ‘recycling’ has been busted embarrassingly by nosy investigators. But there is no need to panic.
    Britain has lots of holes in the ground and one permitted solution to disposal is ‘temporary storage’. All we have to do is get creative with our definition of ‘temporary’ and have the courage to tell creeps who try to argue with it to get lost.

Freedom from police harassment

Motorbike bandits can get away with it by taking their helmets off to avoid police pursuit. Muggers on foot can escape the forces of law ‘n’ order by running across boggy ground because coppers hate getting their designer footwear muddy. As the Blesséd Little John says: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Friday, 8 December 2017

No excuses for traitors

The Defence Sec. has really upset Labour and the Libertines by making British-born jihadis valid and necessary targets for the armed forces. Why are Lab and Lib upset? Because anyone who hates British values has to be a natural supporter of one or the other of them against the Tories. And they don’t want their voters wiped out abroad when they could be voting Lab or Lib here (when they’re not murdering people).

The power of self-interest

We don’t have real wide-spread poverty of that sort that was about between the wars any more. What we have is the usual suspects making too good a living out of government anti-poverty schemes to get an honest job.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Trigger words

‘Subtle’ and ‘subtlety’ in an EU context are coded warnings that an Establishment stitch-up is in progress to the benefit of the Druncker class, and taxpayers are about to be swindled.

Wot Cuts?

If the Vice-Chancellor of Bath Spa (?) University is paid £808 million pounds as her annual salary, imagine what the boss of the university, the Chancellor, gets!

Putin forever!

Old age pensioner V. Putin has warned the Russian peasants that he intends to do a Mugabe on them and remain their president for another 30 years. Having ‘acquired’ an estimated $235 BILLION from the pockets of those Russians who pay taxes already, he is extremely well placed to buy as many election victories as he needs.

Trump Unites the World!!

One thing that Donald Trump can never be accused of is a lack of the means to make an impact. Recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel rather than Palestine is a classic example of how he can bring together all the nations of the world. Even if it’s to condemn him and call him a nutter.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Victim, boo-hoo, sob!

The rest of the world is ganging up on poor old Russia! Isn’t it dreadful that they’ve been banned from the next Winter Olympics just for institutional doping? How dare the rest of the world hold a bit of cheating (well, a lot, actually) against Mother Russia!

A wealth of experience

The BBC, a notorious purveyor of fake news, is going to train children how to spot it? Shirley a case not of poacher turned gamekeeper but poacher expanding operations.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Dark Daze Ahead (possibly)

Labour councils are being advised to hide their vast reserves abroad in case Corbyn Labour wins the next election and wrecks the British economy, like Labour does. But will the councils be sensible enough to do it?

Standard Operating Procedure

Is anyone surprised to learn that the people shovelling Britain’s aid cash down black holes are dumping it into the pockets of terrorists as well as spivs in their desperation to make it disappear? Of course not. That’s what they do.

The Unwholly Grail

The EU and the Irish were all set to stitch up Mrs. May, and their meeja machine was burbling at full blast, when . . . splat! The wheels came off. The details of the stitch-up reached the boss lady of the DUP and it was a case of once more, “Ulster says NO!!”.
    Nice to know that there’s one politician in the UK prepared to stick to her guns and stand up for what she thinks is right in the face of an EU swindle.

Monday, 4 December 2017

Forlorn hope?

The Police Service of Northern Ireland, which prosecutes British troops but not IRA terrorists, thinks that bumping into someone under the mistletoe constitutes rape. And even posted a warning for the twits on Twitter.
    We could be reassured to know that the police over the water are just as crap as those on the mainland. But we would be enormously more reassured if we had police who weren’t crap.

Hypocrite to the last

What do you call leaping out of the job you got by being Nick Clegg’s mate just after you’ve been told your contract won’t be renewed, and doing so in a bomb-burst of fake self-righteousness? Doing a Milburn.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

Everything of clay

It’s not really surprising that the Millennials of GO magazine, who had bought the Corbyn promos, found the man himself underwhelming when confronted with reality and that he was ‘not fantastic with detail’.
    Now they know why J.C. is kept in a box and wheeled out only under carefully stage-managed conditions; some PR which the current Old Labourites learned from the failed New Labour Experiment.

The usual result

Peter Oborne asked in yesterday’s Daily Mail: How would Americans react to a British PM who stirred up racial division in the US by praising the KKK? 99.8% wouldn’t hear about it or give a rat’s ass, 0.1% would applaud and 0.1% would get their knickers in a twist. In other words, just the same as for any other politics-based question.

Uncut truth

It’s high time the Trade Descriptions Act was applied to Labourites who go on about ‘Tory austerity’. They should be required by law to state the full truth, namely: ‘Tory austerity to repair the nation’s finances after Labour wrecked them’.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Clingon Rossi

We’re not getting rid of motorbike champion Valentino Rossi anytime soon. He’s always zooming off somewhere, which makes a steady relationship with another human bean so difficult that he reckons that he is: “happily married to his motorbike, which reciprocates his love, if not always.” Which explains September’s broken leg, which put him out of competition for all of three weeks.

Alibi/Abuse

Baby boomers, born between the mid-1940s and the mid-1960s, are to blame. They went out to work, 10% of them went to university first, and they bought houses and raised families and saved for their old age; unless they were low-level Labourites, of course. [Posh Labourites did the buying and saving thing too.]
    Millennial snowflakes, born from the 1980s on, need an excuse and theirs is that the baby boomers left nothing for them, and they should definitely not have to make any sort of effort on their own behalf because of it.

Friday, 1 December 2017

It’s all completely self-consistent, really. Honest!

Snowflakes hate old people for voting for Brexit. Snowflakes worship Saint Jeremy. But the elderly J. Corbyn has been a long-term opponent of the concept of the EU and he’s happy to see us on the way out (despite politics-based posturing to the contrary). But who says anything to do with politics and young people has to make sense?

Blighted perception

Sky News was describing the fall in net immigration as “the worst on record”. The highest, maybe, but how did they get to worst? Unless Sky thinks that the New Labour policy of trawling the world for migrants to upset the Tories was a good idea.
    On a note of accuracy, the rate of immigration is still higher than it was five years ago.

Thursday, 30 November 2017

One or the other

Is a 10% drop in the number of drivers caught using a mobile phone down to the Daily Mail’s admirable campaign to increase the penalties available to the courts? Or is this just something else which the nation’s police farces have decided they can no longer be bothered with? Like burglary and shoplifting.

Twit

Would someone kindly tell the Daily Mail quick crossword compiler that treacle is not the same as golden syrup? One is black and comes in red tins. The other is golden and comes in green tins.

Poly-something!

What a weird concept it is; the UK being divorced from the EU, which implies that there is one spouse on one side and 27 on the other. No wonder we keep ending up screwed by the Europeons.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Make me miserable, please!

Isn’t it remarkable, how much time the wibble-mongers spend trawling the Daily Mail website looking for things to upset them. What sad, empty lives they lead. But it would be interesting to know just how many hits on the DM website come from offence junkies in search of fodder.

Just a thought

The EU thinks that UK cities are no longer eligible to take part in the European Caterpillar of Culture junkets. Maybe Mr. Druncker should be locked in a darkened room until he sobers up and realizes that Europe is a geographical continent and independent of the extent of the Europeon Union, which had no problem with including Turkey in the CoC list.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

You just can’t win

President Trump is always being told off for having something to say about almost everything. Now, he’s being trolled for not going on about some American divorcee bagging Prince Harry.

More TV wisdom

A homily from the elder DCI Barnaby (Tom, the former Bergerac) in last night's Midsomer Murders: “Revenge is no remedy for loss.” To which the only response can be: “Only in your opinion, Inspector, which no one else is bound to accept.”

Timely reminder

After the mosque massacre in Egypt at the end of last week, there was a thought-provoking episode of the epic SF series Babylon 5 on TV last night. The events of Believers, episode 10 of the first series, remind us that evil is always evil, especially when performed in the name of religion. And especially with regard to the ethnic cleansing going on in western Burma. Evil will flourish when good men do nothing. Not to mention former saint Aung San Suu Kyi.

Included out

I find that I am uninvolved in many things, which are claimed to be essentials of modern life. Add salted caramel to the list. I am not one of those unfortunates who can’t stop eating it because I never started.

Monday, 27 November 2017

Miracle man

Did I win the 105th Grey Cup for the Toronto Argonauts? I was just thinking how great it would be if they could get a TD and draw level as the Calgary Stampeders were on the point of putting the match away and lo! suddenly it was 24-all after a fumble recovery for a TD.
    And when the Stampeders were on the point of scoring at least a field goal to get to 27-all, I was thinking wouldn’t it be great if the Argos stopped them? And lo! an interception in the Toronto goal by Black did just that and let the Argos win.    Spooky, huh?

Here’s a good one

The next time someone tries to tell you that leaving the EU without paying a Brexit ransom is like trying to walk out of a restaurant without paying – ask the idiot when he last spent 40-odd years in a restaurant.

Sunday, 26 November 2017

Calm down, dears!

Does it really matter if the former leader of Labour in the Scottish parliament is spending three weeks doing a TV show in Australia? Her star is in the wane, she’s had her turn in the spotlight and she’s been booted out in favour of a Corbynite trade-unionist zombie bloke. An alternative career as a Z-list celeb will probably be more fun.

No news like fake news

Two blokes having a bit of a barney in a Tube station becomes a machine-gun massacre and stampede in the web postings of the wibble-mongers. But anything to get noticed, right?

A prayer for today

“Oh, Lord, give us the courage to act manfully and say ‘bollocks!’ to hate-filled snowflake harridans.”

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Brace yourselves! Clothears strikes again!

Oh, no! We’re under threat from something new and deadly: “Cereal Two emissions”. Luckily, there’s help at hand. I caught part of a TV ad for something offering “Ultra-low Cereal Two emissions”. I must remember to keep an ear open for that one to find out what it is.

Good as far as it goes

What a weird concept ‘lucky underpants’ is. What sort of weirdo takes the trouble to track a pair of pants through washing cycles? And what happens when the pantist finds himself in competition with someone else wearing lucky pants?
    Probably the same thing that happens when two Christian countries go to war and God has to toss his lucky penny to pick a winner.

Topsy-turvy

What a weird world we’re heading for if all the women’s organizations end up dominated by militant men who have decided to be women and vice versa.

Friday, 24 November 2017

Confusion reigns

What was it for that Uber paid $100,000 to their hackers? Erasing stolen data doesn’t make much sense as how could they rely on hackers to do it and not take copies? Or do it after they had sold on copies? Cash for the hackers to keep quiet about how easy them found it to get in to the Uber system sounds credible. Pretending it was a security test arranged by Uber doesn’t.

More!

The US national anthem was played on a saxophone with flourishes in Detroit and then as a trumpet voluntary in Dallas for the initial Thanksgiving NFL matches. Which reminded us how much better anthems can be performed as an instrumental, especially in an era when excessive vocal twiddly bits by alleged stars is the norm.

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Yes, you, mate!

How do you push J. Corbyn’s buttons? When he demands more cash for care for the elderly, accuse him of naked self-interest.

Watch out

Attention any British people thinking of celebrating the American Thanksgiving today: do so and you will be guilty of ‘cultural appropriation’ and the Hate Police will be round to rake you in whilst you’re still stuffing the turkey.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

SUBB (Screwed Up Beyond Belief)

Only in these weird times could a guy running a Corbynite outfit called ‘Stop Funding Hate’ be running hate campaigns against newspapers which fail to bow down to his party line. Maybe we could invoke the Trade Descriptions Act (Exceptional Circumstances) to make him change the name of his secret society to ‘Stop Funding Hate Unless I Sponsor It’.

Would you like some garlic with your tripe, sir?

The insinuation by the Bremoaners that Brexit is proceeding outwith the normal boundaries of ‘politics as usual’ is a sign of desperation. But, like all conspiracy theorists, they do have to maintain that something monstrous is going on. All we can do is tell them to relax, take a deep breath and get off their grassy knoll because the council wants to mow it.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Nice thought, shame about the product

I can never remember what the advert is about but I don’t get fed up with listening to Fleetwood Mac playing “Don’t Stop”. Great tune, nice to sing along to, but I can’t make a connection to what it’s supposed to sell.

Fair trade

If we’re paying £40 Billion to the EU for access to their single market post Brexit, we should be telling them that’s on condition that they pay us £60 Billion for access to the British market.

Monday, 20 November 2017

We know, we know

Watching Canadian Footfall head for the last hurrah yesterday, I started wondering why the commentators try to astound the listeners with revelations like one team’s head coach and the other’s defensive co-ordinator has the opposite roles the last time they met in a Grey Cup match. Given that the CFL is a small and incestuous pond, it’s just pointless noise and no one is impressed.

The Brexit hate campaign

We seem to have a remarkable number of quislings around, who are willing to pay any amount of British taxpayers’ cash to the EU and willing to come up with all sorts of spurious analogies involving things like booking a holiday and dining out at a restaurant to justify their demands. Not a word about what basis there is for the EU’s demands or guarantees that the money will be spent on something worthwhile (which is highly unlikely if the EU is involved; bribes and fraud losses and feeding Mr. Druncker’s habit are the norm there).
    One wonders what the quislings hope to get out of it; other than the satisfaction of seeing the British taxpayer being ripped off for cash, which would be far better spent here than meekly coughed up to the EU.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Clueless in Africa

One gets the distinct feeling that the army in Zimbabwe has no idea how to stage a coup. Given Mugabe’s generally zombified condition, any competent outfit would have polished him off and launched three days of national mourning for a departed hero before getting on with the job of installing the next appalling butcher.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

Mug punters

There are tough times ahead for the next generation of snowflakes at the hands of the world’s fraudsters if 25% of 8 to 15-year-olds really do think that if something is listed by Gooble, it has to be genuine (rather than just listed by Gooble). Which explains why the current generation of snowflakes would rather be reassured by the recycled opinions of ‘experts’ of doubtful provenance than risk exploring something original and thought-provoking.

More wisdom

The bitterness of the Undeserving can be truly tragic at times. But maybe the Universe hates them a bit more than the rest of us. Especially Bremoaners.

Today’s Wisdom

Modesty, even when false, is to be applauded, even if with a one-handed clap. But let us remember that few can aspire to the level of modesty enjoyed by President Trump.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Clean hands? Hardly

Racialist black people, and those trying to be their pals, keep accusing white people of living on the proceeds of slavery. They’re doing it again in Liverpool right now. Maybe it’s time to remind them that there wouldn’t have been a slave trade if black people like them hadn’t rounded up their fellow Africans and flogged them off to anyone with a bit of cash. Which means that every black person living in Africa is enjoying the benefits of the cash which came into their area’s economy and, therefore, profiting from slavery. No chance of an apology from them, though.

Welcome to Paradise

What do the leaked Paradise Papers really tell us? That it is terribly wrong to be caught in the act of doing nothing illegal. Well, it is in the eyes of envious socialists and their hypocritical buddies.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

You cannot be serious

Don’t you just wish someone would say that they are taking a batch of “she said/he said” complaints frivolously? It would really put the world back into focus.

Nothing to see, move on

It’s not a coup in Zimbabwe; those tanks in the street are just there for a bit of fun. But if the country is about to swap one blood-soaked thieving tyrant for another, the people won’t be getting much of the fun.

Learning to lie

Can a university’s staff be trusted to be honest about the institution in self-promotional material? No, the Advertising Standards Agency has found.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Whatever happened to Austerity and The Cuts?

Only in London: nursery school pupils are to get lessons in dressing up from drag queens, courtesy of the taxpayer. But if this is progressive, how come no cross-dressing females are included in the party? Discrimination!!!

Clear neglect of duty

How come the Church of England isn’t waging a campaign against Bet365? Why isn’t the Church complaining that betting on a Sunday is immoral and that the 365 should be reduced by 52 or 53 Sundays, as appropriate?

Moggy gets myth-mania

Would someone mention to Saint Rees-Mogg that no one promised £350 million/week to the NHS if the nation opted for Brexit? The message was always that some of this wasted cash could go to the NHS.
    The concept of £350M/week going to the NHS is just another of those silly myths created by people who just don’t get it. Like the one about Enoch Powell making a speech about rivers of blood. He didn’t. Being a Classical scholar, he quoted Virgil and the people reporting the speech were too thick to get it.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

“Who’s saying it?”

That’s a question which should be asked a lot more. Followed by: “What does this person know?” and “What’s his/her record for being right?” [Especially if it’s some alleged financial genius like G. Osborne or the Gov. of the BoE]
    If the answer to the primary question is “Some anonymous troll on the internet” or “a known enemy of the person being trolled”, then there’s no reason to go on to further questions, which would save a lot of time if the rule is applied ruthlessly enough. Although, the BBC might have to cope with lots of silences and newspapers would have to publish lots more ‘news’ stories about stars no one has heard of.

We’re really quite nice!

The new head of the Metropolitan Police, C. Dick, has launched a PR campaign with instructions to coppers to stop treating journalists as criminals. The campaign’s broad aim is to convince the public that the police are their friends – bumbling and terminally politically correct, but friends nonetheless.

Monday, 13 November 2017

Does my halo look dim in this lighting?

Knowing that J. Corbyn is prepared to take £5K a pop for doing spots on an Iranian TV channel puts him in even more stringent perspective as another bought-and-paid-for mouthpiece, especially when one of our enemies is involved.

They’re French; of course they don’t get it

Why do French people say fu*k so much, even to the extent of having a weekly TV show called What The Fu*k France (yes, really)? The answer is simple. They’re French. They don’t know what the word means but it’s foreign and therefore clever to say. And as a nation, the French adore swearing and do it more often than any other nation in the EU.

They’re not people . . .

. . . they’re Iranians, North Koreans, Europeon stooges, global warming fraudsters, Bremoaners, Corbynist activists, Libertine Democraps, internet trolls, traffic wardens, council jobsworths, senior coppers, snowflakes, Islamist terrorists . . . feel free to join in.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Pull the other one!

According to a Did You Know in today’s Sunday Post:
    “85 million years ago, the Moon was orbiting the Earth about 35 feet from the planet surface.”
    Really? And were all those giant plant-feeding dinosaurs with long necks having to remember to duck when it came past?

To be clear, comrades . . .

Vlad, the Putin of all the Russias, would like it to be known that he is mortally offended by the thought that had he meddled in the last US presidential election to spare Americans the horrors of another Clinton presidency, he would have left any evidence with his fingerprints on it.

Nothing changes

The NHS was set up in 1948; despite fierce and sustained opposition by the medical profession, we must remember. A year later, the saintly Aneurin Bevan was worrying about how to stop foreigners from coming to Britain to steal items to which they were not entitled; medicines, wigs, etc.
    70 years on, there is still nothing being done about it.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

In his master’s footsteps

David Cameron has backed up his resolution to be the heir to Blair by going down the same money-grubbing road; another big cash-in deal for him this week. Are we now supposed to admire him for being a man of his word?

Keep an eye on this one

Mrs. May has offered to pay £20 million to the EU to avoid leaving gaps in the current budget, which runs to 2021. Let us not forget that this budget includes EU spending in the UK, which could well dry up mysteriously in 2019 and 2020, while Britain is making transitional payments.
    Given that the people running the EU cannot produce a set of books which can satisfy an independent audit, and are therefore completely untrustworthy, we would do well to get any agreement with the EU written in blood and make our tribute in monthly payments, which can be stopped the moment the EU starts any of its usual funny business.

Friday, 10 November 2017

Wrong direction

Oh, dear, the Green Police have got it all wrong. According to the European Commission, 50% of the particulate matter in the air is dust from tyres and brakes on road vehicles. Which means that cutting air pollution is not just a matter of going cosmetically and delusionally electric, it also requires cuts to the number of vehicles of all sorts on the roads.

No dice

Is it mitigation for allies of the sacked overseas aid minister P. Patel to claim that the F.O. leaked details of her private jollies with public figures in Israel? The words ‘own petard’ and ‘hoist’ spring to mind, coupled with the knowledge that the Westmonster village is a veritable information sieve, especially now, and nothing (well, hardly anything) remains unleaked.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Maxims for today

No. 182 : There is no smoke without fire – except on anti-social meeja.
No. 183 : the 2012 Lord Levison rule that “People will not assume that what they read on the internet is trustworthy” requires a 2017 extension: “unless the libel applies to one of their enemies, real or imagined”.

Brotherly hate

The fate of the Welsh Assembly member Carl Sergeant just confirms what we know to be true about Labour party justice; the instinct is always a brick through the window and a lynch mob rather than due process.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Freedom from hurt feelings

The nation is agog, waiting for the first time that a British team will be withdrawn from a major event, such as the World Cup or an Olympic Games, so that snowflakes on the team won’t have their feelings hurt if they fail to win.

Stopppp

A guide dog charity is seeking to remove a hound from the clutches of a partially sighted pervert, who has been convicted of possessing indecent images of children. Presumably, the charity is worried that the dog is clever enough to help the paedophile to navigate Windows 10.

A bit off here, a bit on there

An all-male club is letting a member stay on the books, even though he has decided that he wants to be a woman, because: “he’s a terrific guy”. Which is a pretty effective way of telling him: “You’re not fooling anyone, bud!”

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Socialist envy

Other members of the HUTAgonian tendency include those who are ‘accusing’ people of tax avoidance. Accusations are charges brought against law-breakers and tax avoidance is legal. Which means that anyone making vexatious accusations is involved in a hate campaign – which is a criminal offence. But don’t expect the police to be arsed when it comes to doing anything about it.

What’s going on between the ears?

Do the world’s comic opera countries, e.g. Iran, ever listen to what they’re saying when they go on about one harmless individual trying to topple the regime? Or do they have their heads jammed so far up their own arses that they are effectively deaf and blind?

Monday, 6 November 2017

Bearded-face lie by Corbyn

If someone with lots of money puts cash into an off-shore tax haven, that doesn’t create a tax deficit, which other people will have to fill – as the prime-minister-in-waiting would have us believe. If it is done legally, there is no impact on the government’s income as the Treasury has no expectation of receiving income from the money and, therefore, no deficit is created.

Scold’s Bridle for MeToo-ers

The Parliamentary Sex Mania Tsar will have to get to grips with nomenclature quickly to reduce the temperature of the current hysteria. For instance, ‘sugar tits’ has to be classed as a legitimate expression of affection between consenting adults while ‘twinkle tits’, especially if applied to a bloke, is always a term of derision; which may be entirely justified, according to the degree of appalling behaviour shown by the recipient.

Sunday, 5 November 2017

No, don’t get it

What is the psychology behind using a bloke with an Indian accent to do TV ads for computer stuff? Given that most people associate that particular accent with the Indians who ring you up and pretend to be from “Windows Operating System” or BT and have a story about getting distress signals because your computer has trawled all sorts of nasties from the internet, and would you kindly fall for their scam?

“It’s simple, mate.”

“I have no idea why people who hold these views should want to be a member of the Labour party,” the chairman of the Parliamentary group said about people who make and publish violently anti-Jewish comments.
    The short answer is: “Because they are made welcome and because they feel right at home there.”

Saturday, 4 November 2017

The usual multiple standards

There is to be a new code of conduct for Tory MPs. The other parties will continue to observe the Pants-Down/Prescott Code.

News? Really?

Is it really worth a slot on main news bulletins – the non-story that some hissy git who was on the way out blocked President Trump’s Twitter account for 11 minutes in the middle of the night, when no one noticed?

Corbyn Explained

The mistake everyone is making about Jeremy Corbyn is to treat him as a credible political figure rather than just Wolfie Smith’s (q.v.) grandfather. One you get him into the proper perspective, everything he does starts to make a sort of sense.

Better than UFOs

Here’s a wonderful conspiracy theory . . . Mrs. Leadballoon was trying to drum up support for a Tory leadership bid, because she thinks Theresa is making a bog of it and she’s the next Maggie Thatcher, but she became worried that the PM would sack her from the Cabinet. So she made herself into a Victim with some MeTooSlag sleaze against the Defence Secretary. [Him in particular because he had described her as a dud who needed to be sacked.]
    And it gets worse: If Mrs. May bought the Victim story, then she is clearly faulty of judgement and unfit to be the leader of a major political party and prime minister. And the Tories should pick someone better to lead them, like . . . the woman who thinks she’s the next Maggie Thatcher? And who has children and understands people.

Friday, 3 November 2017

Power-seeking

J. Corbyn is being yah-boo’d for supporting Islamists at the expense of Israelists. But he’s just being a political pragmatist. There are more votes to be had from migrants from Islamic countries, who have no idea just how awful and incompetent Labour governments always turn out to be.

It gets worser!

The latest whinger is someone complaining about feeling powerless. Remind me, but when was being able to feel powerful [shades of Mandelsleaze!] make a ’uman bloody right?
    No danger of any of these characters producing recordings, CCTV, 14 independent witnesses, etc., to back up the whinges, of course.

Boo-bloody-hoo

That’s Commons leader A. Leadsom off the list of candidates for the next leader of the Tory party. Nobody wants a pathetic victim in that job, especially one who comes up with ‘she said he said’ stuff from six years back. It’s Leadsom the lead balloon now.

What are the odds?

The major bookmakers are said to be deliberating on whether to take bets on when the Bremoaners will decide that no one is going to give them another referendum (with the attendant risk that Brexiteers will demand a best of 3 if the Bremoaners win and the Bremoaners will demand best of 5 if they lose again).
    What to do about someone trying to back ‘never’ is proving to be a sticking point.

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Pur-lease

Apparently, Berko, the Squeaker of the Commons, used to brag that he became a very popular target for improper advances from non-male persons when he first got the job. That would be the very short-sighted ones, of course.

There’s a couple of words for it

This could come only from the snoflakes: they’re refusing to wear Royal British Legion poppies because ‘they glorify war’. But then, the words remembrance and glorification are so close together that they are easily confused.

The award is in keeping with the sentiment?

‘Fake News’ is the Word of the Year for 2017, according to Collins, the dictionary company. [Personal interest note: I have quite a number of their excellent products.] How appropriate that this ‘word of the year’ is, in fact, two words.

Try harder

Retired Defence Sec. M. Fallon is in trouble for calling a non-male journalist ‘a shit’ three years ago? BFD! That’s way down among the tomato plants at the sewage factory and the MeTooSlag lobby is getting really desperate.

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Pot, Kettle, Brown

Gordon F. Brown, the man who got the idiots running LloydsTSB to take over bankrupt HBoS as a favour to him and jobs in Scotland, is telling us that the banksters who cause the financial crash on his watch should be gaoled. One law for them, another for their political accomplices?
    Like the accomplice who took all the teeth out of financial regulation for the banking industry and used the banks to help him spend the nation into bankruptcy. Let us not forget that Fred the Shred was one of Brown’s creatures.

Stock slump

The BBC and the Bank of England are still pushing Project Fear as hard as they can; to the point of deliberately misleading their audiences, in the case of the BBC. They are clearly worried about the share price of PF hitting zero and wiping out their HUGE investments of credibility.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Snowflake Heaven

Sussex University has a free speech society; which is policed by a snowflake students’ union, which demands the right to vet advance copies of speeches on the topic of free speech so that they can issue warnings to any snowflakes who might be upset by being challenged by free speech. As Richard Littlejohn keeps on having to say: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Misconnected facts

The UN’s weather agency, the WMO, is telling us that the last time atmospheric carbon dioxide levels were at the value they are now, sea levels were 20 metres higher than they are now. No danger of an explanation of why today’s sea levels are so low if carbon dioxide levels are dangerously high (according to the GWFs).

Politicians kill

Air pollution is being blamed for 40,000 premature deaths per year, and the dash-for-diesel by Labour in the Noughties in pursuit of the global warming fraudsters’ agenda is getting a major chunk of the blame.

Monday, 30 October 2017

Wrong medium, half the message

“Don’t Read Everything You Believe” it said on the side of a bus. By the time I’d digested the mangled quotation, the bus was past me and I never got to the tag line. It was a cute idea frustrated by the execution, and I never did find out what it was advertising.

Well done, Lewis

It was more like a day out than a Grand Prix for Lewis Hamilton in Mexico yesterday. Naturally, the Ferrari Intentional Assistance took no action against Vettel for driving into him and giving him a puncture which dropped him to the back of the field. But Hamilton won the driver’s championship anyway. Good!

Sunday, 29 October 2017

What is the point?

Ex-president O’Bummer has been told that he will be required to report for jury duty in an area of Chicago, where he has one of his homes, in November. Which is clearly just a publicity stunt on the part of the judge who called him up. After all, what prosecutor or defence counsel in his right mind is likely to want such a huge distraction from their arguments on a jury?

How do you know he’s lying? His mouth is moving.

Jezzer Corbyn, the people’s champion, said his party will not tolerate any form of discrimination or harassment. His nose promptly lengthened by 7.39 inches.

No, shame on you, comrade

These trade unionists are a blinkered bunch. In today’s Sunday Post, one from the boilermakers’ union is quoted as talking about “Scotland’s austerity shame after a decade of cuts to local government funding and . . . education budgets”.
    Not a hint of recognition that the austerity was due to the fiscal stupidity of Gordon Brown (Labour, Scottish) during 13 years of New Labour misrule – supported by the boilermakers and other trade unions, of course.
    If you’ve overspent recklessly and you’re deep in debt, austerity is inevitable. And the only shame belongs to the politicians and the trade unions who made the austerity happen.

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Look in a mirror

The ‘entertainers’ on Radio Four’s The News Quiz did one of their knocking jobs on the concept of balance in broadcasting this week. How ironic that not a one of them spotted that they are part of the counterblast to sensible items and people who know what they’re talking about.

Mega-foot-dragging

The UK has a £3 BILLION stake in the Europeon Investment Bank. We are being told that it will be repaid in dribs and drabs over the next 37 years and the account will not be settled in full until 2054. But this is not punishment for Brexit.
    If that is true, I would hate to see what the bastards come up with if they decide to be vindictive.

Friday, 27 October 2017

GWS with the hump

Is anyone surprised that the BBC had to offer a grovelling apology after affording the right of freedom of expression to Lord Lawson in defiance of the Hutagonian convention on the not-so-great global warming swindle? Thought not.

Time Warp(ed)

A lady in Cornwall thinks the BBC's shock-horror executions in the Gunpowder Plot play were justified because “executions were family entertainment 400 years ago”. Maybe someone should mention that times have changed a bit since 1605. But maybe not in Cornwall?

Pick of the moment

One minute, we’re being invited to believe that President Trump is as thick as three short planks. The next, we’re being told that he’s at the heart of a vast international conspiracy. It’s wonderful. Can’t wait for the book, the films and the TV series, which should run and run now that the steam has gone out of UFOs.

Mental not physical

Here’s another reason to back Brexit: the Euro Court of Justice has ruled that bridge is not a sport, to the chagrin of the English Bridge Union, which wanted to be let off VAT on tournaments.
    HMRC, in contrast, got the result it wanted, but there may be a bump on the road if bridge can be classified as a VAT-free cultural service.

Thursday, 26 October 2017

Propaganda which won’t stand up to scrutiny

The Tory MP who asked universities what they are teaching about Brexit seems to have touched off a firestorm of left-wing shame and guilt. Why else would they have accused C. Heaton-Harris of McCarthyism? Clearly, the outraged academics are wriggling furiously in an attempt to prevent light from being shone into their black hole.
    What are the sneaky sods hiding? And have they stopped beating their spouses?

No heart attacks here

Hillary Clinton tried to sleaze Donald Trump during the presidential election campaign using a fake-news dossier compiled by a guy who used to work for MI-6. Not a piece of news calculated to make anyone fall over in amazement.

Fake amazement

Why should anyone be surprised that MPs will be voting on the Brexit deal, if there is one, after the UK has exited from the EU in March 2019? That’s the way the EU operates. It’s never possible to get that many states to agree on anything until after the deadline has passed because there are always two or three hold-outs/awkward sods who want more for themselves. Never has been, never will be.
    Getting the EU to agree on anything is like trying to get 27 rats in a sack to agree on a common lunch menu to get a quantity discount.

We need a new name for them

We used to have universities, which were centres of learning and inquiry. Now, they have been reduced to monoversities with one view – one permitted view – on everything.
    Global warming is going on at a dangerous rate and it is (entirely implied) man-made; Brexit is a disaster; politics must be left-wing with everyone taking a contrary view excluded/evicted; and students need ‘distress warnings’ about obvious facts of life. Purpose, fit for, not spring to mind.
    No doubt Bremoaners will deny that the £1.2 billion which universities receive from the EU; with all the attendant obligations to pretend that the EU is the best thing since the invention of the bread slicer; has anything to do with their attitude.

A place for everyone

The experts at Plymouth university have decided that psychopaths are essential to the human race as only a person devoid of empathy can take tough but necessary decisions, like choosing to shoot down an airliner before terrorists can crash it into a tall building.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Unequal under the law

On the same theme, Labour MP J. O’Mara, who did the nation the favour of evicting N. Clegg at the last election, thinks he shouldn’t have to resign for making sexist and racialist remarks 15 years ago because that rule applies only to Tories.

Update

Further to the story about the Tory MP who’s also a referee (Oct 22): it seems that Labour MP L. Pidcock was on holiday in Venice instead of attending her party’s vitally important session on Universal Credit. No censure for her, of course, especially as she went on anti-social meeja to create the impression that she was in London on that day.

Bankster to be banged up?

GOOD NEWS: a former HSBC bankster has been convicted of currency fraud in the US and faces up to 20 years in gaol. M. Johnson is now 51. By the time he comes out, the pension age should have reached 71, so he'll be okay for income. Alternatively, he might do a deal to rat on other banksters and go into Witness Protection.

There’s still a lot of fat around

Despite “The Cuts”, local councils are still managing to pay their employees over the odds for using a car at work; anything up to 50% more than the mileage rate approved by HMRC. No wonder they’re ripping off motorists for every possible penny for parking charges, straying into undefined bus lanes, etc.

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Peak car condition achieved

The reason for the decline in car sales has been revealed by the motor trade. It’s nothing to do with Brexit or ‘pay to pollute’ scams. The simple fact is that everyone who wants one now has a car and there’s no need to build lots more.

More bad news for Snowflakes

Some universities have decided that they really need to warn trainee doctors that they might be upset by being confronted with dead bodies and talk of people dying.

If anyone deserves to be told to F.O. . . .

Some FO stooge is lobbying the UN to ban the term “pregnant women” in favour of “pregnant people”. Which kind of ignores that it’s a biological fact that only female humans become pregnant (apart from the odd hermaphrodite mutant?)

Monday, 23 October 2017

Weasel words warning

When you hear an earnest voice on a TV advert saying something like: “especially with living costs going up”, it’s time to duck because living costs never do anything other than go up, which means that the soothing voice probably has a pig in a poke to unload.

The obvious solution

If the Spanish PM wants to “restore some order” in Catalonia, why doesn’t he just send for QuickQuid?

Pragmatic and practical

At least one government minister knows what has to be done with British citizens who join terrorist groups abroad – kill them all in the interests of public safety.
    We can only hope that they use something a bit cheaper than £75K-a-pop missiles to take out the traitors.

Two and out

The WHO has sacked Saint Mug, the president-for-life of Zimbabwe, from his goodwill ambassador job after a couple of days. Insiders are hinting that he didn’t come through with a big enough bung.

Sunday, 22 October 2017

SNAFW (that’s W for whinge)

An SNP gobsworth is complaining that the Scottish Tory MP who’s also a football referee is ‘treating his constituents with utter contempt’ after he skived off a cosmetic Labour session on welfare reform in the Commons to do a match in Spain. But if there’s any contempt around, it has to be reserved for the gobsworth hacks and their confected outrage.
    The SNP guy thinks the Tory should give up his reffing, but if he did, that would mean that the entire Scottish team of refs would be out of the World Cup in Russia next year because the rule is that if it’s one out of the team, then it’s all out. But if that happened, the SNP guy would get another whinge opportunity. So he’s probably all for it.

Yet another survey

Ever wondered why some high streets are wall-to-wall coffee joints? The industry would have us believe that everybody in the UK spends £45,000 over a lifetime buying plastic containers of coffee, and it believes in shoving lots of temptation in the potential customer’s path. Spare a thought for the poor sod who’s having to spend £90K to make up for my non-participation in the racket.

Ill-mannered loutism endorsed

An ‘expert’ has decided that standing is good for old people and it is therefore okay for youngsters to hog seats on public transport, like that do.

Technology too far

A Virgin Media Tivo box is a bloody menace. I turned my back on it for a minute during an advert break and it changed channels to something I had no intention of watching! Worse, I saw two red lights at the right-hand side, which turned out to be the box recording two programmes in which I had no interest at all.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Persecution!!

The luvvie tendency is going big with faux indignation about the story that it costs 55p/minute to phone the Universal Credit helpline. This is nothing to do with the government, of course, and all to do with rip-off charges by mobile phone companies. But then, luvvies feel they shouldn’t be constrained by boring facts and the truth.

The larger the organization, the more out-of-touch it becomes

The management of the WHO has been declared insane after appointing Robert Mugabe as a goodwill ambassador. The new head of the WHO is full of praise for the state of health care in Zimbabwe; but he’s from Ethiopia.
    Had he consulted people who actually live in Zimbabwe, he would have been told that Mug has trashed the health system there and he always zooms off to Singapore when he needs medical treatment.

The default is a swindle

I had a Virgin Money bond, which matured. The alternatives on offer were accounts paying derisory amounts of interest or an account paying 0.1% (at a time when inflation is running at 3%) as the default. Not exactly calculated to prolong customer loyalty, which explains why the cash came out of Mr. Virgin’s coffers pronto.

Friday, 20 October 2017

Not ‘me too’, just ‘me’

It is impossible to avoid the suspicion that the genius who came up with the idea of intergenerational inequality had just seen the film version of Logan’s Run. (rather than read the book, of course) Because that’s the direction the snowflakes and those pandering to them seem to be taking.

Just trying to dilute the HUTAgonian somewhat

I’ve been asked, “Xav, why bother?” Well, we are constantly bombarded with dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data, especially in the world of politics, and some of us civilians like to join in to let the professionals know that anyone can do it and we ain’t impressed.

The new luvvie pecking order

One gets the impression that all the world’s celebs; male, female and don’t know alike; have now been bunged into 3 categories:
(a) were harassed, (b) said “No!” and (c) always have been totally unshaggable. And that everyone in cat (c) is busting a gut to be promoted to cat (b) at least.

What do MPs do all day?

Some of them spend an hour in the bath, making themselves all soggy and wrinkly, before wasting their time and taxpayers’ money on the proceedings of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mindfulness. There can’t be much wrong with the world if that’s all they have to do with themselves.

Thursday, 19 October 2017

One-sided outrage

As another institution removes the name of a patron who was involved in the slave trade in a cloud of confected indignation, let us demand some proportionality. Why is the outrage never directed at the Africans, who rounded up and sold their fellow countrymen (and women and children) and flogged off their bodies to anyone with the asking price? Probably because pandering to the imagined grievances of current generations of racialist minorities is mandatory in luvvie circles.

It makes as much sense as any of the others

Conspiracy theorists are suggesting that the current Weinstein Obsession, which some are seeking to broaden from the entire film industry to the music industry as well, is being fomented by the Burmese government to push attention away from the ethnic cleansing, which is being performed by the Burmese army in the area bordering Bangladesh.

Don’t kno nuffink generation

You have to wonder what sort of people universities are letting in these days if Cambridge has to issue Snowflake Distress Warnings to new recruits to tell them that course material based on the works of Wm. Shackspere and other playwrights could contain sex and violence, which will distress them. If they’re bright enuf to go to Oxbridge, you’d expect them to know stuff like that.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Semantics, dear boy!

Firms which offer a “made to order” pizza feel entitled to take one out of the freezer and defrost it but still deliver the slogan. How come?
    Because the industry allows a product made in response to an order to be called “freshly prepared”. Even if the “order” is a hypothetical one, which someone might just make sometime in the future, and the firm assembles and freezes the pizza in anticipation of that future order.
    ● Customers are advised not to believe “hand-made”, “fresh”, “home-cooked” and similar cute claims.

As you sow, you reap

It’s all very well for sometime quarterback C. Kraepernic to file a grievance against the NFL’s team owners but no one owes him a job and they are entitled to look beyond a player’s stats to who he is. If they think he’s likely to be a huge distraction from the club’s march toward the Super Bowl with his me-me-me agenda, they are entitled to make individual decisions not to have anything to do with him.

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

New Deal

Austria has chosen a teenage president, who wants to stop economic migration and creeping Islamism, cut taxes, give everyone a good minimum wage and kick the EU out of his country’s business. Sounds like he’ll be a big hit.

And equality for all

Two holiday food-poisoning scammers are caught and sent to gaol. The bloke gets 15 months. Does his partner-in-crime get the same? No, she’s going down only for 9 months, which will probably work out as that many weeks in practice. So much for fairness and everyone being equal under the law.

No discrimination here!

Here’s a good one, which someone pointed out to me on antisocial meeja:
Dear Landsend.co.uk,
    I received a mailing addressed to MR [name redacted], which would indicate that you know that I am a bloke. But inside, I found a leaflet with offers for female clothing.
    Was this a not-very-clever attempt at humour? Or were you just taking the mickey? Neither of the above is likely to build up a high degree of consumer enthusiasm.
    Yours, [name redacted] (Mr.)

Monday, 16 October 2017

Open Season

The message now seems to be that you’re no one in the movie biz if Harvey Weinstein didn’t make a move on you. The smart ones are saying that they fought him off and no, they’re not making it up for PR purposes; knowing no one is going to call them a liar for fear of being trolled.
    Worse, everyone who turned out to be a flop, or has a floppy relative, is blaming Mr. Weinstein for wrecking the relevant career.

Nice, but pointless day out

Hundreds of people gathered in Edinburgh on the 2nd Saturday of the month to protest against Brexit @ a Bremoaner rally.
    Hundreds of thousands of people boycotted the event.

BFD

Are we impressed by 57-year-old Nigella announcing that she has only just found out how to poach an egg? Maybe she should have consulted my mother, who can turn them out three at a time from her egg-poacher pan, which has been around for decades.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Well-meaning if futile

In Switzerland, public toilets are illuminated with blue lights so that drug addicts can’t find their veins. Which seems to assume that everyone in need of a fix is too dim to pack a torch in their kit or take along a miner’s helmet.

Saturday, 14 October 2017

We’ll let you know, mate

Looks like the Europeon Commission president, J-C-Drunker, has engaged a new scriptwriter in an attempt to appear a bit more human. This is evident from his latest offering, in which he thanked Britain for winning World War 2 and saving the world – and then went on to renew his demand for €100 billion as a divorce bill settlement. The spirit of Monty Python lives on!
    Despite the welcome addition of a few jokes, his speech was viewed widely as ‘as unhelpful as usual’, suggesting that M. Druncker’s focus remains as blurry as ever and he rambled off piste during the delivery.

Telling it like it is

According to a BBC lunchtime comic, joining the EU is like joining a snooker club. Strange that he didn’t go on to add: ‘But after you’ve been in it for a few years, they tell you that playing snooker is now the last thing they want to do. And they look surprised when you leave.’

Say cheese!

These ‘experts’! They come at you from all angles. A study for a firm which makes shoes has found that on average, adults smile 11 times per day; and mean it 9 of the 11 times. Surprisingly, things that make people feel good are most likely to promote smiles.
    70% of those surveyed said that grinning at other people made them feel happy. No information was released on how the recipients of the unsolicited grins felt, however.

Friday, 13 October 2017

Another stick to beat Corbyn with

Following the announcement that the CIA took out British Islamist terrorist S. Jones with a drone back in June, our Man of Opposition refused to say whether he would order a similar mission against another of the country’s enemies if he were PM. Probably because he didn’t want to say out loud that any enemy of the Tories is a friend of his. Not very fair, but fair is what politics isn’t, and no one is holding a gun to Jezzer’s head.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

There’s always a way

Venezuela, the spiritual home of PM wannabe J. Corbyn, has run out of the materials for creating new passports. Paper and printing ink have joined food and medicines on the list of things which are unobtainable unless you’re a member of the regime.
    But these commies are nothing if not tricky, and the president has recycled an old wine list as an emergency degree extending the life of existing passports by two years.

Dwelling on divorce

According to the Centre for Europeon Policy Studies, the EU has assets of €160 billion and liabilities of €232 billion. The EU is therefore in the red to the tune of €72 billion. As the UK is contributing 14% of the EU budget, the maximum divorce payment that can reasonably be expected is 14% of the deficit, i.e.  €10 billion rather than the €100 billion which the EU is demanding.
    An even fairer settlement would be 1/28th of the deficit, i.e. €2.6 billion.

Life’s mysteries

How does Weinstein become “winesteen” rather than “wheenstine”? Especially if the spelling indicates “winestine”. Or “wheensteen” if you want to be perverse.

Something else the ‘experts’ got wrong

The news wings of BBC and Channel 4, all sorts of MP rent-a-gobs, ditto academics and, of course, the Eurocrats scoffed at the idea of people flocking from East Europe to the UK when their transitional limitation period ran out in 2014. Even though this is exactly what happened when New Labour opened our borders to spite the Tories a decade earlier.
    The last count of Romanians and Bulgarians here came to over 400,000, most of them Romanians. And people wonder why there’s a housing shortage and schools are bulging.

Who exactly is doing the exploiting?

We seem to be seeing a “Real People for Weinstein” movement developing in response to all the anguish by luvvies, who prostituted themselves for some reflected glory, and who are now claiming they didn’t do it for the money and the meeja attention.

Ultimatum, Schmultimatum

The Spanish government has given the Catalan president until next Monday to reveal whether he actually signed the Declaration of Independence in his Ignore Tray. Or what? The tanks go in and bombs start to fall on Tuesday?

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Yes, but not now

Catalonia has declared independence from Spain but the signed declaration has been filed in the regional president’s Ignore Tray rather than his Action Tray. The region’s departure would drop the same sort of financial bombshell on the regime in Madrid as Brexit will drop on the vultures in Brussels. Which explains why the Spanish government is reviving the worst of the nastiness from the country’s experiences under anarchism, communism and fascism.

Selective-opportunities employer

On the other hand, if you’re white, male and normal, don’t try getting a job with British Transport Police, which has no vacancies for this category of employee due to an obsession with diversity at the expense of competence.

Equal-opportunities employer

If you’re an honest terrorist and you fancy a public sector job, try the council for Southwark in London. They don’t bother to check their job application forms for such details as declared criminal offences.

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Copy-catting is okay

In America, they have a POTUS - President Of The United States. After Brexit, we should have a POTLUK – Prime-minister Of The Liberated Untied Kingdom.

Experts at it again

Alleged traffic experts say that the traffic scheme which got 10 people injured in Kensington & Chelsea is intended to make drivers proceed more slowly and cautiously and show greater consideration for the pedestrians milling about among them. Whoever came up with that notion seems ideally qualified to take over the Wiltshire police farce!

Fiction factory

The Wiltshire police farce’s list of ‘credible’ accusations against the late Sir Edward Heath includes one from a man who is known to be a habitual liar and a paedophile serial sex offender, and someone known to confess to murders in his spare time. No doubt he felt right at home with the fantasists in charge of policing in Wiltshire.
    M. Veale, the chief constable, seems to be doing his best to talk up his delusions of an Establishment cover-up and turn it in to a conspiracy on the level of all the cover-ups of UFO sightings by officialdom. Sounds like he needs to be sacked for wasting police time and resources, and told to do his fantasizing on is own time and at his own expense.

Hype expiring

The case of the Uber taxi driver who crashed in to 10 pedestrians has been downgraded from terrorism to what looks like a case of an accident arranged to happen by Kensington & Chelsea council.
    The incident took place in an area designed to make vehicles and pedestrians share the same space with no kerbs or markings to separate them.

Pointless pensioners

The ‘experts’ would have us believe that there is no biological reason for humans to have evolved to live past 50 or so, and especially not for females to live past breeding age. Which invites either the conclusion that the reason is not biological or that the experts are too dim to spot it.

Monday, 9 October 2017

At least there will be someone doing the work

Chief constables are hoping to build up their small army of unpaid volunteers to help out in back-room jobs. The police union is muttering about the perils of enthusiastic amateurs doing jobs once tackled by “highly trained professionals”, but it is a way of getting around the Spanish practices and letting people with time on their hands make a contribution.

Political stupidity

There’s not much point in having a census if it doesn’t collect basic information such as the sex of the customer. If ticking the boxes is optional, all the census becomes is just make-work for the people employed by the census industry, which is outwith government control, like the Bank of England, and the statistics manufacturing industry. Pandering to tiny minorities at the expense of doing a proper job also renders census data worthless to future generations of historians.

Sunday, 8 October 2017

A whiff of honesty

Ofcom is giving new rules to broadband providers. In future, they will have to bin their 'up to' garbage and reveal actual peak-time speeds. They will also have to guarantee a minimum speed, which could become the basis of contract-busting or even compensation claims.

The stoopidest advert ever made?

That one with the little robot with the cartoon Arnold Schwarzenberger head going, "Do it now!" has to be the No. 1 contender for the biscuit.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Accessories of questionable legitimacy

There is no excuse for the bump stock. Anyone using a gun to shoot cuddly critters or targets has no need of more than one bullet per pull of the trigger. Anything else is frivolous recreation of the sort practised by militia in the Middle East, which should be discouraged in allegedly civilized countries.
    Silencers, or more correctly sound suppressors, do have more legitimacy in that they prevent damage to the hearing. Telling shooters that they need to wear ear-defenders is all very well, but it does nothing for anyone standing nearby, who might have a profound religious bias against ear-goggles. Don’t laugh, someone will claim this.

The less they know, the more they wiggle

The Vegas mass murderer may have had an accomplice and an escape plan, the cops are saying. There’s nothing like being clueless to fuel the imagination.
    The FBI has found 2 dents, which look like bullet strikes, on some giant jet fuel tanks some 300 yards from the concert venue. Paddock may have loosed off a couple of rounds in that direction, or not, but he seems to be getting the credit for it.
    And there’s a mystery woman, who was seen with Stephen Paddock. Or a woman who happened to be in the same CCTV shot and completely unconnected with him.
    Paddock may also have had an accomplice, who lumbered the guns and ammo to his hotel suite. Or he may just have had lots of luggage and let the hotel staff hump it.
    Knowing so little for sure, the cops have admitted that they are taking their lack of solid information as a licence to speculate wildly. This is one which will run and run.

Which is it?

There are differences of opinion on the logic behind our new plastic banknotes. Are they meant to be user-friendly to Millennial snowflakes, because they feel like bank cards and pocket-phones? Or are they intended to make people give up cash in favour of electronic transactions because banknotes feel cheap and plasticy and worthless?

Friday, 6 October 2017

Multilingual cloth-ears

Whilst watching TV: “What was that he just said: ‘damn cochon’ or ‘danke schon’?”

Murkier and murkier

We are now being given to believe that the Wiltshire police farce nobly resisted opportunities to have Sir Edward Heath labelled a Satanist. Presumably, because the chief constable thought that adding Satanism to an already ludicrous charge list would confirm to everyone that the police were just extracting the urine. And, of course, giving aid and comfort to even more people with spurious compensation claims.