Monday, 30 March 2015

A great day for the old guys

The Malaysian GP and a good day for the former champ, Vettel, when Mercedes blew their strategy. Then the ancient Valentino Rossi won the night race at Qatar to open the MotoGP season. And in St. Pete, Florida, Juan Pablo Montoya won the opener of the Indycar series, which was one up the kilt for the awful Aussie, Whin Jer.

Global Warming Scam

The extent of the sea ice at both poles is the same as it was in 1979, when satellite measurements began. So where’s all this global warming and why are there still polar bears around?

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Now we know

How often does Red Ed Milipede take his kids to school? Once every general election campaign without fail. (But only if there’s a TV crew handy to show him what to do.)

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Gob open, mind not engaged

The German president, Angular Merkel, has promised a full investigation into the crash of the German airliner in the Alps. Which means what? There wouldn’t have been a full investigation if she hadn’t joined in? If politicians feel obliged to say something about events like this, it would be really nice if they could manage something which doesn’t sound totally stoopid.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Oppressors' Charter

Four journalists from The Sun have been cleared at the Old Bailey of trumped-up charges brought by the illiberal lefty Establishment in an attempt further to suppress free speech. Even the judge spotted that the prosecution "case" was a load of old rubbish. Maybe the cost of the trial could now be deducted from the salaries of the coppers and the Can't Prosecute Service officials, who wasted millions of pounds of taxpayers' money to follow their own political agenda.

Monday, 23 March 2015

You know it makes sense

During the election campaign, politicians should be lined up at the end of the day and slapped around the head once for each utterance of a cliché like “hard-working families”, “long-term economic plan”, “the Tories will privatize the NHS” and all the rest. And Ed Milipede and Ed Balls should get an extra half-dozen slaps for being who they are.

Sunday, 22 March 2015

It’s all right for you, Jimmy

What are Scottish councils doing with all the subsidy money they get from English taxpayers? Using some of it to write off debts, including rent arrears, benefit overpayments and parking fines, of criminals who have been sent to gaol.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

It’s a good story, but that’s all it is.

There’s a whole lot of tripe being talked by delusional people about yesterday’s eclipse, like people claiming “Avebury fell into dusk” and the same happened in Newcastle. Rubbish. I was in the Manchester area, and even though the Sun was reduced to a tiny sliver of its normal self, there was no sensation here of markedly less light than on a normal, sunnyish day with low, hazy cloud, which didn’t affect observation of the Sun with an eclipse viewer.

Friday, 20 March 2015

Not me, Guv!

The Balls Monster has come up with a wonderful alibi. He’s now telling us that he’s no good at sums and his mother-in-law does them for him. And if his numbers don’t add up, it’s her fault, not his.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Nothing so see, move along

If anyone is wondering where Vlad the Putin disappeared off to in March, there was nothing sinister about it. He just took a little trip aboard to spend more time with the cash he’s liberated from the Russian taxpayer.

Ain’t it grand in the public sector!

Four judges out on their ears for watching porn on computers at work at the taxpayer’s expense. Which leaves us wondering how many other court staff are at it, and how much it’s costing us.

Monday, 16 March 2015

Aussie not-so-grand prix

I’m certainly glad I didn’t get up at 4 a.m. for that. 5/20 cars didn’t manage to start the race and only 11 got to the finish. Still, we got the result we wanted. You have to feel sorry for Jenson Button, though, in that clunker of a McLaren. And there’s an extra twist to the Alonso saga; if he’d been cleared to compete, he would have been in the McLaren which failed make it to the starting grid and he wouldn’t even have had the chance to fight Button for the honour of not finishing last.

Sunday, 15 March 2015

A weird approach to career planning

The Education Dept. (run by Nicky Morgan) and the Home Office (run by Theresa May) are planning to put pornography into the classroom for 11- to 16-year-olds, along with training in reviewing the performance of porn actors. Which raises the question: Will there be enough jobs for porn-film reviewers when these kids leave school?

Friday, 13 March 2015

Double Rations

Two-Sheds Jackson, Two-Jags Prescott, and now Two-Kitchens Red Ed. One of his kitchens is tiny and used for photographs intended to bamboozle the voters into thinking that his millionaire’s mansion ain’t really that grand after all. Kitchen No. 2, on the other hand, is much grander and not for photographing.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Weightlifters’ Technology?

What good is a watch with a battery which runs out in 3 hours if you use its fancy gadgets? Apple is being very coy about the issue but the message seems to be that you’ll need to carry a whole bagful of the things around, plus a charger, to be able to use the gadgets and know what time it is.

Let the People know

The British government is thinking of publishing details of how much loot Vlad the Putin’s cronies have acquired as a result of their membership of Russia’s kleptocracy. This would be done purely in the interests of informing the Russian public about where their money has disappeared to. And if the Russians choose to retaliate in kind, about people like Tony B. Liar, say, everyone will win.

Oh, to be Islamic and blame-free

If British Moslems go to the Middle East to let out their inner serial killer, it’s the fault of MI5. If silly teenage girls steal the family jewels and sneak off to the Middle East to be brides of monsters, it’s the fault of the Metropolitan police. And it’s certainly not the fault of the parents or the alleged refugees who preach hate against their unwilling hosts or the looney left charities which support the preachers of hate or the looney Labourites who encouraged them to come here in the first place. Or even the BBC and other looney left meeja, who support their anti-British line and give them abundant oxygen of publicity.

Monday, 9 March 2015

Brilliant idea

Don’t waste £3 BILLION on rebuilding the House of Common Criminals, says the Official Monster Raving Loony Party. Just relocate Parliament to Wormwood Scrubs prison, which will add the benefit of reducing commuting for most peers and MPs.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

The magic is in the mushrooms?

Calamity Clegg has decided to do God after a lifetime of atheism. Could his transformation have anything to do with his keenness to legalize possession of all currently banned drugs and his desire to give everyone a right of access to any drug they want?

Tuesday, 3 March 2015


Extract from a statement issued by the Durham police: “A blank-firing pistol, which replicates the sound of real gunshots but does not require a licence to own, was also recovered during a search of the property.”
    Why? What gives the police the right to stroll off with anything they take a fancy to when trawling through someone’s home? Is that even legal? Not that such considerations seem to bother Her Majesty’s plods any more.

Monday, 2 March 2015

Fooling no one

We all know that Vlad the Putin has plenty of people around him who are willing psychopaths and ready to do in as many “turbulent priests” as he finds inconvenient. And even though Vlad claimed that he was taking personal charge of the murder case, he has, in fact, appointed a stooge who has a track record for threatening to behead a journalist and do a whitewash murder investigation. So someone we cn be really confident in.
    Even worst, the only witness to the murder, Anna Duritskaya, who was right next to Boris Nemetsov when he was gunned down, is now under armed guard “somewhere in Russia” and not expected to say anything the regime wouldn’t like to hear anytime soon.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

He’s getting worse

Vlad the Putin has taken personal charge of the investigation into the murder of former deputy prime minister Boris Nemtsov in the shadow of the Kremlin. So it’s bound to go the same way as all the other “investigations” into the murders of Vlad's opponents.
p.s. Vlad doesn't need to give a direct order to have someone killed. He just has to give the nod and wink.