Tuesday, 28 February 2017

You did ask . . .

A lady (I assume) wrote to the Sunday Telegraph (last weekend) to ask if she is the only person in the whole of Britain who does not like Just A Minute.
    Let me assure you, madame, that you are not alone. There are bound to be lots of other miserable gits strewn around the country.

“Not me, Gov!” says the BBC

There’s something sick-makingly hypocritical about the boss of the BBC ‘savaging’ the cowboy outfit, which the BBC itself picked to collect its licence fees. As an organization allegedly with a finger on the nation’s pulse, the BBC must have known exactly what it was getting when it signed up the cowboys, so a slap round the back of the head is due to T. Hall for being a meally mouthed git.

Worthless Whinge

The Treasury has told some parts of the government machine to stop spending £3.5 billion that we don’t have thanks to Gordon Brown’s disastrous reign there. A brain-dead Labour MP’s response was to moan that the Tories are sacrificing the country and the economy to their ideology.
    Like her own party would never do something similar!

All Quiet on the Trump Front

Things have gone relatively quiet after a noisy beginning, which suggests that the initial frenzy was largely meeja-driven, and that the ‘beauties’ have realized that the new president won’t be pushed around and he won’t dance to their tune, so they’ve lost interest in Mr. Trump in favour of softer targets.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Brain meltdown

Pembroke College, Cambridge, is to be renamed Snowflake College after the precious students started to complain about dinner menus. Apparently, offering Jamaican stew and Tunisian rice commits “microaggressions” against ethnic minorities and misrepresents cultures.
    Shame these alleged students don’t spend more time studying and less time talking bollocks.

Idiot alert!

There are people around who will tell you that Spring begins on March 1st. Don’t believe them. They are nutters and/or swindlers of the sort to pretended that the third millennium began on January 1st 2000 rather than 2001/01/01.
    Any fule kno that Spring currently begins on March 20th.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

‘pro’ bad, ‘pre’ good

Having been assaulted by the word ‘progressive’ in my Sunday newspaper, I was reminded that just about everything starting with ‘pro’ is bad, e.g. proactive, problem, etc. So what about some alternatives? Wouldn’t it be nice if politicians and PR characters admitted they were being preactive? In other words, spotting trouble early enough to get alibis in place. And wouldn’t it be nice if they could precrastinate – i.e. do something immediately to get it out of the way instead of wasting years talking about it.
    Another ‘pre’ that occurred to me is precycled as a description for something that’s brand new or in regular use. And going back to the start of this rant, what would pregressive politics be? Politics without all the spin? Like the Masters of the World could keep that up for very long!

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Getting well above themselves

Should Donald Trump be ‘granted’ a visit to the UK, the BBC is asking today. There’s nothing like being excluded from a Trump press conference as a fake news merchant for driving the sneerocrats at Beeb into a tizz!

Wot Austerity!

MPs will be giving themselves another £1,000/year in April. Meanwhile, High Court judges, who have been whingeing about how badly off they are, will be getting £20,000/year more and Appeal Court judges will cop for an extra £22,000/year.

This is where political correctness gets you

The sneerocracy turned purple with glee when President Trump dared to mention migrant-related rioting in Sweden. ‘Never happens’, we were assured. ‘Trump got it wrong’. All of which conveniently ignored the area of Stockholm, which has been turned into a crime-filled wasteland by Somali migrants who are into gangs, protection rackets, burglary on an industrial scale, drugs and all the rest big-time.
    And that’s just one of the 53 no-go areas for the police, where patrols are deemed too dangerous and the people are on their own. And what are the alleged Swedish authorities doing about all this? They’re in cover-up and just-letting-it-happen mode.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Just get eating

More of these foody researchers have pronounced on the national diet. Scrub 5-a-Day, it’s now 10-a-Day that we should be tackling – that’s 10 x 80g portions of fruit and veg – to prevent cancer, strokes and heart disease.
    That’s 800 grammes of just fruit and veg PLUS everything else needed to provide the protein, vitamins, carbs, etc. needed for a balanced diet. Which should come as a bit of a shock to those of us who often don’t eat 800 grammes of everything during their day.

Thursday, 23 February 2017

Let's just think about this

There’s a lot of excitement about the star known as TRAPPIST-1, which appears to have a set of 7 planets, as determined from measurements of reductions of the star's during transits of the planets. “Is this proof we’re not alone?” newspapers are asking excitedly as three of the planets lie within a “habitable zone”, in which the surface temperature could be right for living organisms to survive.
   But before we get too excited, let’s consider a few facts. The Earth orbits its star at a distance of 93 million miles. Planet 4 of this first discovery of the Belgian operated Transiting Planets and Planetesimals Small Telescope-South in Chile lies some 3.5 million miles from its star. It whizzes round that star in a ‘year’ lasting between 2 and 4 weeks, and it is so close to the star that one side is likely to remain facing the star at all times.
   As a result, this most likely candidate for life as we know it will have one side in permanent day, the other side in permanent frozen night, and any atmosphere will be blasting constantly at gale force around the planet, and also blasted off the planet by flares and radiation from the star. Even worse, the planet will be bombarded by enough X-rays and extreme UV to have a significant effect on the atmosphere and anything on the surface.
    So maybe we shouldn’t get too excited just yet.

I know this one . . .

Has Political Correctness Gone Mad? race relations professional T. Phillips asks in a Channel Four programme tonight. The short answer to his question is that PC is a symptom of dangerous insanity, and those affected by it should not be allowed near sharp objects or public sector jobs.


You could sell your car privately and get a fair price for it. Or you could go to “WeBuy” and get ripped off. But if you do go to “WeBuy”, you can tell yourself that letting yourself be ripped off saved you an unknown amount of hassle.
    What a peculiar marketing concept.

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

25% pay rise for Vlad the Putin

The amount stolen from the Russian economy by its president-for-life has been revised upwards. The previous estimate of £160 billion has been upped to £200 billion in the light of the growing gap between the amount of money going into the Russian Treasury and the paltry amount being spent on things like hospitals, roads and other infrastructure elements.
    Putin himself claims he’s just this guy on an ordinary president-for-life salary. But he has yet to come up with a convincing explanation for how he managed to acquire a £28 million yacht and all the rest.

Just a thought . . .

If it is possible to damn someone with faint praise, then it must be equally possible for someone to damn himself with faint outrage. There’s something to bear in mind as the anti-Trumpers scrape the barrel harder and harder. [icon of someone stabbing himself in the back and looking really surprised]

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

The lies Bremoaners tell No. 5,001,013

Britain’s budget contributions to the EU will stop when we leave it, anyone who can be bothered to read the Lisbon Treaty will be delighted to discover. The treaty states that the obligation to contribute ends when a member state leaves the union. So no £50 BILLION (or is it £60 BILLION as the EU’s Brexit stooge claimed?) bill will arrive from the EU in 2019. Or if one does, we can safely ignore it.
    Even worse, from the EU’s point of view, is that Britain is entitled to a proportion of its assets, which are valued at £130 BILLION. Which means that, having paid a 15% share of the budget, that we will be entitled to a dividend of £20 BILLION. Which will probably be the size of the Brown Hole in the budget of the NHS in 2019.

Not much point

We’re told by pensions company Aviva that families with an earned income of £1,500/month or less have an average of £95 in savings. But when you realize that you need £15,000** in NS&I Monthly Income Bonds paying 1% per annum just to pay for a TV licence, and inflation is running at 1.8%, the true pointlessness of trying to save becomes apparent.
    ** The amount becomes £20,000 on May 1st when HM Treasury cuts the NS&I interest rate.

Future shock?

Berko, the failed Marx brother, under siege through bringing a lack of dignity to the job of Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals. Captain Underpants from the Labour benches lurking in the wings and dreaming of taking over. But maybe they’re in for a surprise.
    What if Jeremy Corbyn decides that he would be the best candidate for a job with a million-pound pension pot and bags it??!?

Monday, 20 February 2017

Doesn’t add up

The Chief Constable of the Wiltshire police farce is "120%" certain that a former prime minister, the late Sir E. Heath, was an active paedophile who was skilled in the art of slipping away from his bodyguards. Maybe the police professional standards outfit should be doing an audit of the expenses of Mr. Veale, a man who clearly doesn't get maths.

The politics of uselessness

City Hall in London has a mouse problem. The obvious solution is to get a cat. But that requires an okay from the mayor, S. Kahn. So a quick yes/no? No chance. Being a politician, he’s going to take weeks over committing himself. And there’s a better than even chance he’ll make the wrong decision in the end!

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Just self-preservation

In the light of the failed Russian plot to kill the prime minister of Montenegro, maybe President Trump's non-aggression pact with the Putinocracy makes sense: he's doing it to stay alive!

How obvious can it get?

TV stations will insist on warnings about programme content, presumably for Snowflake Millennials, but how thick do you have to be not to realize that a programme on Sky One called The Flash contains flashing images?

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Not much of an anti-fraud measure!

One of the staff has just opened a Post Office Money® savings account. He was told that, for security reasons, his User ID and security number would be sent to him in separate mailings as an anti-fraud precaution.
    Today [18/02], he received 4 pieces of mail from the Post Office dated 13/02 (nominated account details confirmation), 13/02 (User ID), 14/02 (welcome, your account is open) and 15/02 (security number).
    So much for all the good intentions.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Okay, here’s one that takes the biscuit; and everything else on offer!

Biologists at Harvard U. are working to recreate an approximation to the woolly mammoth by splicing genes into a species of Asian elephant, which has 99.4% of its genes in common with the mammoth. The project will provide the endangered Asian elephants with an ‘alternative future’. But the best part is that it will save the world from global warming!!
    How will this happen? The revived mammoths will stomp holes in insulating snow and ice covering frozen Arctic tundra, let in cold air, keep the permafrost frozen and prevent the release of greenhouse gases!
    But there’s a much simpler and cheaper way of doing this. All it would take is a UN grant for a team of nutters, who will charge around the tundra in snowmobiles, blasting the insulating layer away with the tank-tracks, letting in cold air and keeping the wilderness frozen.
    And the really wonderful thing is that this World-Saving Scam could be up and running as early as next week, given some political will.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Collateral Domage

It didn’t take long for full-scale war to break out between the O’Bummer appointments to the FBI, CIA and NSA, and the incoming Trump Administration. There will be a lot more blood on the carpet, and sensations for the news meeja, before the stooges are shown who’s the boss; that’s something we can all take to the bank.

Vested (and panted) interest

If, as Lord Neuberger wants, politicians should leave the judiciary alone, then it would be only fair if judges enforced the laws on the statute books and kept their own political opinions out of it. Rather than undermining the rule of law, scrutiny of the judiciary just goes some way toward checking abuses of it.

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Close, you have to give them that.

The official British government target for recycling glass and plastic bottles and cans is 75%. The figure achieved in practice is 57%. A government spokesman commented: “We are hitting the right numbers. We just have to hit them in the right order now.”

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Not an easy task

An internal headline in a soon-to-be-recycled copy of the Sunday Post from January 22nd reads: Scientology: a religion built on fanciful foundations. Which invites the obvious response: “Name one which isn’t!”

Monday, 13 February 2017

The Snowflakes are on the march

The Law Commission is recommending that whistle-blowers and journalists who handle leaked government documents should be treated like spies. That’s 14 years in gaol for exposing criminality, extravagance, waste, stupidity and treachery by public servants.
    Serving the public interest will not be allowed as a valid defence. The Law Commission has been working on its case for 9 months now, during which time it has not bothered to consult journalists and civil liberties organizations. Presumably, because the Commission is happy with a Chinese copy of the system in force in the People’s Republic of China.

Another fair question

Signs saying “Illegally parked cars will be toad” have been reported. So does that mean that legally parked cars will be frog?

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Knotty Problem

A sleep diary donated with yesterday’s Daily Mail is giving me problems. It’s supposed to let the user work out a Sleep Efficiency Rating, but I find myself stuck at Section 2 of 8.
    Section One asks when I went to bed. Okay, I can do that.
    Section Two asks how long I took to get to sleep. But how the hell am I supposed to know that?
    Does anyone remember what time they went to sleep when they wake up the next morning? Please send suggestions for solving this knotty problem on a PC to the usual address. All contributions gratefully received.

Just meaningless

There have been opinion polls held in Scotland to find out if people would rather keep the pound (70%) or join the euro (20%) should Scotland leave the UK and join the EU.
    Which is all very fine for the pollsters, who got paid for the job, but all very meaningless really, given that the state of the Scottish economy is such that the country would never be able to meet the basic criteria for membership of the EU, which already has more passengers than it can handle.

A fair question!

In the light of the outcome of yesterday’s international, I’m wondering: Just how long the Welsh have had this delusion that they can play rugby?

Saturday, 11 February 2017

Weasel stuff

It’s all very well for the Nationwide BS to pretend it’s a building society with traditional values by recycling old Hovis adverts and saying we’re all in it together. But everyone who’s had a letter from them to say that their already miserable interest rates are going down further knows exactly what BS stands for.

Friday, 10 February 2017

Pull the other one, mate

Judges have the hump; they think no one appreciates them, possibly because they keep trampling on the law in pursuit of their own political agendas. And they want more money so they can feel better about themselves, and we owe them.
    Unfortunately, no one is likely to buy their claim of being victims until they start doing the job they’re already overpaid to do. Shame.

Internet Gridlock

Stuck in a traffic jam and/or taking forever to get somewhere? Blame your neighbours and everyone else who is shopping on-line rather than in person. Delivery van traffic is up nearly 20% over the last 5 years according to the Department of Transport.
    No relief is expected until more deliveries are made during the evening, or until the drones take over.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

Captain Obvious rides again

The honcho of Public Health England, one P. Cosford who grabs £157,500/year from the taxpayer, thinks that during cold weather, it would be a good idea to switch central heating on and dress warmly. Good job we have someone like him to come up with such brilliant ideas.

It’s all very simple, really

How do you prevent a crime wave? Do like the police farces of England and Wales, and just forget to record serious crimes by the thousand. That’s 60,000/year in the case of the 4 worst offenders, according to HM Inspectorate of Constabulary. And there are 39 other police farces in England and Wales also at it.
    Of course, the worst offenders are now claiming that they’re “working hard” to tackle the problem but how hard is it to record the details when a customer comes to the police to report a crime? Isn’t that what coppers are supposed to be trained to do?

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Penalty for skiving?

Diane Abbot seems to have got away with pulling a sickie when she should have been at the first Brexit bill vote; mainly because she used to be Labor President Corbyn’s girlfriend. But what excuse did sacked Chancellor G. Osborne have for missing yesterday’s vote in favour of feathering his nest in Antwerp? [Osborne, the man who put the twerp in Antwerp] A clear case for withdrawing the Tory whip for being absent without leave?

Unqualified clown

Should the decision on whether to invite President Trump to lecture to the Houses of Parliament really be left to Berko, the failed 6th Marx Brother who’s currently holding the job of Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals? Surely, we should leave the job to someone with a modicum of dignity and intelligence. If there is still anyone like that in British political circles.

Tuesday, 7 February 2017


Price, Waterhouse & Cooper reckon that the British economy will grow faster than any other in the world for the next 30 years. But given the track record of all the big players for getting economic forecasts right for even a couple of months hence; and they didn’t spot the big crash of 2008; this is a ludicrous piece of work. And it should make anyone thinking of employing PWC start wondering what sort of idiots they are.

Monday, 6 February 2017

Needless Frill

Who would want to buy more than 3 iceberg lettuces? the papers are asking as spivs start flogging them at fancy prices on-line. I would counter by asking who would want to buy one of them? Given that it’s perfectly possible to live the good life without lettuce.

100% genned up

Will President Trump be offended if Berko and others make sure he’s not invited to speak to the Houses of Parliament during his state visit? No, like the rest of us, he is well aware that our MPs think they know everything and there’s nothing anyone else can tell them.

Sunday, 5 February 2017

Make the abuser pay

I do wonder how much we’d hear from the judiciary and assorted luvvies if they had to pay the full cost of their adventures into the realm of politics instead of dumping most of the expense on the poor old taxpayer. Not so much.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

“Special, but not as we know it, Jim.”

There’s a TV holiday ad, in which some woman whispers “ATOL protected” as if it’s some sort of really big deal that’s unique to this company. And yet:
        By law, every UK travel company which sells air holidays and flights is required to hold an ATOL, which stands for Air Travel Organiser’s Licence.
This licence is a ‘get you home if the company goes bust’ card and it’s an industry bog standard. Which means that all confidence evaporates in a company which is clearly trying to bamboozle the customer with flim-flam and pretend there’s some wonderful extra on offer.

Just Pointless

They don’t half advertise some rubbish on TV. Take Sky Cinema, for instance. Last night, it was offering a film about some woman, who’s up the duff and she has no idea which of several candidates put her there. Well, that sounds really wonderful. Probably not many car-chases and shoot-out in it, though.

Enclosure Advice

When he makes his state visit to Britain, President Trump will be taking a quick excursion to Calais to look at the anti-migrant wall the British government built there to find out if we have any ideas worth borrowing. Future trips to the region will offer further opportunities to inspect anti-migrant walls in other parts of the Continent.

Political posturing?

Judge bans Trump travel ban. What’s that all about? Another judge wasting tax-dollars by playing politics to get his face on TV? Certainly looks like it. If the administration has played the security card, banning the Trump ban is outwith the judge’s competence.

Friday, 3 February 2017

Alibis in place?

Harridan Harperson is labouring so hard to paint herself as a victim that it raises extreme suspicion that she’s worried that something very nasty is about to emerge from her past, and she’s trying to soften the blow. “It wasn’t my fault, Gov. I wuz groped.”
    It’s interesting that she is complaining about being stitched up politically by Gordon Broon but she doesn’t have the nerve to include him in her list of gropers.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Just too convenient

Is there anyone in the country who believes that Diane Abbot, Jeremy Corbyn’s No. 2, was too ill to attend the Commons when there was the vote on the Brexit Bill? It was certainly a cunning way of not getting the sack and keeping her hand thrust deep into the taxpayer’s pocket for a shadow minister’s salary and perks.

On your case, chums!

President Trump has vowed to get rid of drug lords and other bad people. I wonder if that has put the inmates of our own dear House of Frauds into a state of fear and trembling?

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

TV madness

Why would anyone in his right mind want to pay Virgin Media £55/month to be able to record 6 TV programmes at once? Even if there were six things worth watching on at the same time once in a Blue Moon, when would the customer ever have the time to view them all? Or is it the usual deal of recording stuff as the better part of actually watching it?

Budget bollocks

The EU’s attempt to stick Britain with a bill for the 7-year budget is plain silly. Even if the demand has gone down from £60 billion to just £50 billion.
    Any budget stretching years into the future always has to be subject to a review if circumstances change. The budget would have become unaffordable if there were another global financial crash, for instance. It did become unaffordable when one of the few countries which will actually be putting cash into the pot decided to leave the EU.
    The EU now has two years to replan its budget according to its future means. It needs to get on with this job and stop trying to pick the pocket of the British taxpayer. Because Brexit means no!