Putting the mockers on

A good way to outrage AEW wrestling fans, we decided, would be to start wondering if the one they call Hangman got his nickname from hanging about at the ladies’ dressing room.
    Or was it for some other pervy reason?

Not impressed, try harder

“I’ve been sober for 18 months,” some young lady bragged in the paper. “Big deal,” one of my mates responded. “I’ve been sober for decades.”
    This is a bloke who has just the one glass of wine with his dinner, the occasional glass of liqueur when he remembers to and the even more occasional glug of whisky in his tea.
    Which means he stays as sober as any judge and it ain’t all that big a deal.

Inventive, if nothing else

The Scottish sense of humour remains intact, despite the best efforts of the SNP to drown them in despair.
    Suggesting that Lofty the giraffe should be the new party leader because he ‘stands head & shoulders above the rest’ is inspired!

Waaaa! Unfair!

If there is protocol, is there also the anti opposite? If not, why not as this violates equality requirements.

Too much info

‘Australia, north of Melbourne’, was a caption at the start of one of the UNCLE films. Which probably means as little to most people as south, east or west of Melbin.
    It’s not as if anyone’s likely to go rushing for a map to find out exactly where they’re talking about.

Official!

It has been ruled that if you have to use the ‘f’ word more than 20 times before lunch, then you are having a trying day.

Just get lost

I still find including that bloke doing the dom-diddy rif in the TV ads ridiculous. Which probably explains why LV never gets any insurance business from me.

Gits & Twits

Should a Police & Crime Commissioner’s personal posts on social meeja be 100% about his work?
    The idea is absurd and so are the looney left mugs who complained about the bloke for Lancashire Constabulary having a life away from work. Mainly because he’s a Tory, one suspects.
    Desperate for a whinge, or what.

Oh, no it ain’t!

“It’s brand new, it’s The Twilight Zone,” gushed the announcer on Legend last night.
    Which is bollocks as the episode was released in 1960!

Mind boggling

The junior doctors need to see a head doctor if they think they should have a pay rise of 30%.

Can do much better

The Archbishop of Canterbury has done a great job of losing the top spot in the Anglican Church League for the Church of England. His obsession with pandering to trendy minorities is getting the blame.

Sympathy only for the few?

It’s all very well, newspaper journalists talking about cash-strapped nurses on £35K. What about all the cash-strapped taxpayers being paid less who are expected to cough up their 19% pay demand?

Worst of the Worst

They must have scoured the planet to find the world’s doziest helicopter pilots to go to Skull Island to be clobbered by King Kong! Which did actually spare them encounters with the really savage monsters. Not bad as daft films go.

Mouth open? He’s lying!

Putin the Poisoner reckons that everyone bears a colossal responsibility. Wrong. I don’t. I have certain responsibilities but none comes even close to colossal.

Zzzz

That bloke who does the gold adverts in the breaks on GB Views would be well advised to get an actor with a bit of talent to do his spiel, which is definite mute button fodder when he does it.

They’re better than that

I read with disbelief reports that millions of pensioners are defeated by packaging. A tin opener will do the biz on a ring-pull can that won’t. And help to extract the contents of a corned beef tin. And plastic doesn’t stand a chance against a sharp knife.
    All you need is the brains to slice carefully and keep your fingers out of the way.
    Maybe a chain-mail glove of the sort fishermen use when slicing up their catch would make a great Christmas present for your grandparents!

Destructive Madness

As daft sciffy films go, Doomsday Device (2017) is in the top rank. Lots of action and it moves along so that you don’t feel the need to read your book during boring bits. Except, maybe, at the end, where it sags a bit.

Good for a laff

I like Richard Littlejohn’s suggestion in the Daily Mail of casting weird Eddie Izzard as the Huggy Bear character in the reincarnation of Ratsky & Splutch.
    I doubt they’ll ever try to redo Cagney & Lucy with blokes, though. The cross-gender lark is strictly one-way.

Accountability works both ways

That was a good point made about institutions which cancel a benefactor because of slavery links or some other woke nonsense. They should be obliged by law to repay every penny of the benefactor’s donations, plus interest, to the heirs.

What’s on another channel?

Inspiration must be in very short supply at Fox TV if the best they can come up with is a remake of Starsky & Hutch with a couple of female detectives replacing the blokes.
    What next? The Dukes of Hazzard becoming duchesses?

Plenty of blame to go around

The blame for what used to be Putin’s War is now being spread out across the entire population of Russia. Centuries of being downtrodden by emperors, commies with guns and crooks like Putin have left the people feeling like victims and indifferent to their neighbours.

Payday!

The Mansion library has a number of volumes by Roald Dahl; editions that having been trashed by Puffin Books. They should be worth a few bob on the collectors’ market now.

Cops in Canada

They must be really hard up for cops in British Columbia. Mrs. Fletcher, doing a murder out in the wilds, got to bamboozle a lady in a yellow traffic warden hat last night instead of a Mountie.

Not in view

I see they’re still doing TV adverts for smart meters with the cute gadget that tells you how much gas and electricity you’re using.
    These days, quite a lot of them seem to be unplugged and consigned to a junk drawer because people don’t want to be a sad masochist watching a vampire drink their bank account.

I’m now Beyond Hope?

Gulp! I think the normally laughably left lady on GB Views who thinks what a female copper wears at a press session doesn’t matter was 100% right.
    Worse, I agree that those who made the session all about the dress were totally wrong to trivialize things as their default setting.
    Have I been affected by a fairness virus?

Tortured logic

‘Officers plead not guilty in Nichols case’ is not news. The guiltiests of the guilty do it as well as the most innocent of the innocent.
    The real story is that the lawyer for the cops charged in the T. Nichols case claims his clients are victims of ‘black man in America’ syndrome. And if they’re victims, they must be innocent?

Also spot

Claiming that criticizing the dodgy, corruption mired regime in Israel is anti-Semitic is the same as claiming that criticizing the Putin regime in Russia is anti all non-Jews.”

Spot on

The observation that Wee Burney is a rat leaving a sinking ship has prompted challenges from rat-lovers, who maintain that the rats are never responsible for making the ship sink.

Great Answer

A politician in the US in the final period of office after the election of a successor (4,4)
    Dead Meat! Well, it fits! And it’s much more accurate than Lame Duck.

Yep!

The best comment about Wee Burney came from Rich Littlejohn, who gave her the name.
    Independence would have made her Scotland’s equivalent of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin and put all the talent into ‘on yer bike’ mode and send them off to the wealthier south in search of some quality of life.

After a job?

Lots of people who used to be someone seem to be crawling out of the woodwork to tells us incredible things such as Labour is now the party of business and nothing corrupt goes on when Labour is in charge.
    What next? The Labour party isn’t in the trade unions’ collective pocket?

Being ignored

The self-appointed world police on Twitter might want to ban the word fitness because it discriminates against the idle and the disabled. But the characters who dash along the pavements around here don’t seem to be listening.

Any connection?

We had a pretty spectacular display of red sky at night last night. Which left us wondering if it was anything to do with Storm Otto, which didn’t touch us, or it’s just another of life’s coincidences.

Way off beam

Note to Mad Mandy of the Sunday Post: ‘adept’ is not a word anyone else associates with Nicola Sturgeon in any circumstances. On the plus side, even Mandy could spot that the SNP’s current priorities are nothing like those of the Scottish population at large.

Whiskas Shrinkflation

The Mansion cat’s routine grub now comes in a box with a fancy new design – containing 800 grams for the price of 825.
    Every little hurts.

Lost concept

“Search . . .”
    “No, you rude fuquer, not till you learn the word ‘please’!”
Manners used to maketh man. Not any more.

Had it coming

It was amusing to read that the Labour deputy leader did one of her moans about the amount of spending on government credit cards and was promptly outed for doing the taxpayer for all sorts of personal Apple gadgets on expenses.

Everyone must be miserable

Parents who has made a success of themselves shouldn’t give cash to their kids as that fuels inequality, we’re being told. No danger of the feckless being told to shape up, of course.

Blame it on the Danes

Major storms used to get names from an alphabetic list. But the lazy wonks at the Met Office have given that job to the Danes. Which is why the one that bashed the north of Scotland to bits was called Otto instead of Angela.

“Padded cell for the consultant, please.”

No wonder the NHS doesn’t have any cash if it wastes vast amounts on ‘consultants’ who tell doctors not to use their medical training to spot which sex a patient is.
    It happens over and over and no one ever gets the sack because of it.

Shudda

A bad guy is dashing up a fire escape and shooting at Walker, the Texas Ranger, from above him. Why didn’t Walker shoot him up the bum? That would have given the BG more to think about than just kicking him in the chops.

More brutality

Ex-president Obama is getting the blame for the invasion of Ukraine because he failed to spot that Putin the Poisoner is out of his tree and a major threat to everyone around him.
    Will they ask for the Nobel Peace Prize to be returned?

Zero with the rim rubbed off

Sturgeon sunk by ‘the brutality of reality’.
    Demanding her own way every time as some sort of God-given right just didn’t work.

Just a delusion

That was an interesting point about the Church of England pretending it can make a difference to the state of the climate by getting its members to eat fish on a Friday.
    This is an organization which is throwing millions of pounds around instead of paying its staff properly and keeping its buildings maintained, and putting off members with the ridiculously woke attitudes of the leaders.
    The CoE seems to be regressing into total irrelevance at an increasing rate. Save the planet? Nope.

Wot triumph?

Winning a by-election with just 19 per cent of the electorate bothering to turn out and vote for you, as in West Yorkshire last week, isn’t that much of a ringing endorsement.

Instanding

Tidy but unconvincing – the way a killer casually tells Mrs. Fletcher; or Dr. Sloane; and a swarm of witnesses how and why he/she/they dunnit.

Outstanding

Dr. Mark Sloane, the lead character in the crime series Diagnosis Murder, is recognized by his instinctive and illegal moustache – was heard by Mr. Clothears. Which is certainly a lot more memorable than whatever the original was.

Yaa-Boo

The Americans reckon they’ve shot down four Chinese spy gadgets. They Chinese are now saying they were invaded by ten Yankee spy balloons last year. Looks like the escalation is on-going.
    Will there be a Chinese general paraded for the media to say he’s not ruling out UFOs of extra-terrestrial origin as part of a ‘not me, gov’ claim? The Yanks seem to have got in first with that one.

Something better

When asked if she wanted a Valentine’s Day card, which is now on offer for pets, the Mansion cat decided she’d rather have an extra helping of treats.

Under the radar

A team of female Englanders are playing Korean women at football, according to the TV guide. For the Arnold Clark Cup. How did a bloke get involved without being booed out of existence by the anti-male lobby?

Not enough admiration?

Nothing works in Scotland, there are corruption inquiries going on and the SNP leader ups and quits because she’s not going to be the president of an independent Scotland and she’s being mocked on all sides for not daring to admit that a male rapist pretending to be a woman is taking the mickey.
    Wee Burney Sturgeon lording it up in the House of Frauds next? No doubt she could put it in her resignation honours list and think she’s entitled to get it.

Well, it’s original

Walker, the Ranger, vs a human Big Foot in Mexico! Helped out by a brown bear that thought Walker was its pal. You have to give them an ‘I’ for imagination!

Worth a try

The Mansion’s chef has made an American apple cake using plums instead of apples as an experiment. Now, we need a name. The chef came up with Putin the Poisoner Plum Cake in the hope that it would put others off and let him scoff the whole lot!

And another

20 grand for an umbrella? If the bloke who’s making them is prospering, there’s still a lot more money than sense sloshing around.
    Full marks to him for using King Charles as an advert!

Reality check

A big contributor to the current reality crisis is the way TV programmes and works of fiction like Prince Hairy’s book are given equal status to real life events, such as a major earthquake. Or even greater prominence.
    Maybe the government needs to pass a law demanding that fiction must be printed in green and clearly marked with disproportionately large NOT REAL markers.

There must be a more sensible way

Slow cooking for 8-10 hours was part of the day’s recipe in my paper at the end of last week.
    What a weird concept. Having to get up at 8 a.m. to plug your dinner in!

Include me out

Entertainment or mind-numbing masochism? An actor person doing the same 7-minute scene over and over for 24 hours with 100 different blokes, most of whom she hasn’t met, sounds like an attempt on the World Bore Yer Socks Off record!

Mrs. Fletcher next?

Airwolf, the super helicopter, followed by another slimmer and more deadly looking model called Dragonfly in Walker, Texas Ranger. There’s nothing like doing a good idea to death.
    One charred Walker pickup, one crunched zillion-dollar choper and a well-booted bad guy.

Worra Shame

Oh, dear. During my fast-forward to condense the Super Bowl into just the on-pitch action, I appear to have missed seeing pop person E. John, 75, doing a 5-second advertising spot for a million quid.
    And what on Earth was that weirdo up to, doing V-signs of the F-off sort during the US anthem? I’m glad somebody got some pictures of him.

 

Not Nostradamus

How do you spot a charlatan? Pretending that the poetry of the Scottish bard Rabbie Burns contains some sort of message about global warming is a dead giveaway.

There’s daft and there’s this

The title of The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues (1995) is a bit of a puzzler. A league is 3 miles, so that’s 30,000 miles. Which means what?
    The sea is nowhere near that deep anywhere and there isn’t another planet that close for the phantom to have come from. And it’s guarding a radioactive rock for no apparent reason. So how does 10,000 leagues come in to it?

Going Ga-Ga

 The brain of pop persons seems to shrink in proportion to their success, if the ridiculous outfits blokes wear to award ceremonies are anything to go by.
    What did he look like! That daft Smith bloke in his inflated plastic trousers!
    Maybe he lost a bet and that’s why he had to do it. Or maybe he just lost it!

 

Blob, blob, blob

The present chairman has undermined trust in the BBC? What total garbage. Trust in the BBC went years ago, long before the present bod got the job.
    This is just Blobocrats and the looney left at it again, trying to put one of their own in charge.

Page Turner

See some guff about the late Princess Di in the paper, on to the next page pronto.

Reality Check

“How can so may women fancy Tony the rapist?” asked the saintly Jenni Murray in my paper. Could it be because the bloke in the picture in her column is an actor person and not a rapist?

Irrelevance Rules, not OK

“Too often obsessed with petty rivalries & point-scoring” applied to politicians nearly gets there. Strike ‘too often’ and substitute ‘permanently’ and you’re at the truth.
    Especially as applied to that stupid Lib Dem deputy who’s obsessed with doing down Boris Johnson.

Defencetastrophe

The stories about the non-existent strength of Britain’s armed forces are in the same vein. Yes, we’d have a job defending ourselves against an invasion, but who’s going to do it?
    Putin is too busy in Ukraine. And the logistics would be beyond even the Chinese. Do the Spanish have an Armada handy? I don’t think so.
    Likewise, the Normans & the Romans.

Suntastrophe

This daft story about the Sun breaking apart just because a cloud of ejected plasma has formed a ring at one of the poles is as daft as claiming the Earth’s seas and other waterways are breaking apart and forming great fluffy masses in the air.

Fair conclusion

If Iliya’s credit titles are one-quarter the height of Solo’s in the intro to a UNCLE film, does that mean he was paid only one-quarter as much?
    On the other hand, going from his screen time; he was only in it at the start; 1% looks fair for Iliya. Crap agent?

Bootate, the martial art

That Walker, Texas Ranger, doesn’t hang about when bad guys invade the happy home. Not that there’s much left of the furniture by the time Walker has finish booting BGs onto it!

Translation request

A dark-ass terroid? Oh, a dark asteroid! Which was in a daft sciffy film the other night: Asteroid: Final Impact (2015). And which was zapped with a gallon of pop shot at it by our hero using his teenage kid’s model rocket!
    Spotted playing a vital part was Sergeant Walter Harriman, who used to be on the staff at Stargate Command.

Being Worthier

I don’t normally take much notice of TV adverts but I did happen to spot that Walker’s crisps have ditched gary bloody lineker in favour of two persons of colour.
    What the message that goes with the new look is escaped me as I’d pressed the ‘mute’ button on the remote control.

Everyone else is doing it

One minute, we’re being told it’s impossible to get to see a GP. The next, we’re told GPs are going on strike. But will anyone notice?

Blokes is best

One spin-off from making award events gender-neutral is that it gives rejected contestants something to moan about if no women end up on the short-list. Diversity of talent clearly isn’t the issue here!

Boo to you

Nice to know the Welsh Rugby Union got fingers; two or a middle one, from the fans after it tried to prevent them from being traditional and singing Delilah.

Next time for sure

After reading that a town in Suffolk is full of people who told the census department that they’re Satanists, there’s a growing movement to do the same here next time around and see if we can outnumber the other lot!

Film Fake

Raising the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere makes the global temperature rise exponentially – heard in a daft sciffy film. BS of the Hockey Stick variety.
    Like the atmosphere catching fire due to methane in the upper layers! 2% methane in the atmosphere? Try 2 parts per million!
    What’s the answer to putting the fire out? Nuke the North Pole!

Unrealistic

Jessica Fletcher was 10 pages from finishing a book when she wasn’t doing another murder? Someone who’s written several has assured me that’s not how it works in the real world.
    You write to the finish, and then decide if it needs some padding earlier on to make up a required number of pages; or some trimming! But you never know while you’re writing how many pages away the end is.

Legal acid test

Walker isn’t much of an advert for the Texas Rangers if he has acid trips and hallucinations about Injuns on duty! Luckily, the bad guy was also tripping in this episode.

Something to do

Shake the cat’s dish of dried food and tell her: “Oh, look! Mexican jumping grub!”

Maybe the exercise does them good

We’ve done the third anniversary of completing Brexit and the amusing thing about it is that members of the looney left are still frothing at the mouth and stamping their little feet over the referendum result in 2016.
    Will they have enough energy to spare to cope with the actual leaving anniversary as well?

Fitness essential

Some of our recyclers have to be quite strong. I’m always fascinated to see a bloke going round ahead of the vehicle for the green, garden waste recycling bins and picking them up an tipping the contents into another part-filled bin if there isn’t much in either of them.

TV Wrestling Rule No. 1

If you need a posse,
You’re just a pussy!

Idle filler tripe

“People are being pulled out of the rubble alive” on the day after two major earthquakes of over Richter 7 is lazy journalism and not news. It’s something that happens all the time. It would have been news only if it wasn’t happening.

Possible

Maybe they got the Hancock titles done on the cheap in India, someone suggested, and that’s why they are so wide of the mark.

Back off!

Who needs enemies when we’ve got the EU on our doorstep? Some Eurocrat clown, who used to be Belgium’s PM, is claiming that Putin the Poisoner’s invasion of Ukraine is a direct result of Brexit.

Definitely should be done

All the former colonies with a hand out for our cash should be made to add up the benefits of exposure to European civilization; trains, phones, the internet, etc. And pay US a whopping big bonus as a fee for civilizing them.

Poverty? Really?

The Church of England won’t pay its staff properly or maintain its buildings and it’s always pleading hard up-ness.
    But that doesn’t stop the saintly Archbishop Wellby from throwing hundreds of millions of pounds at virtue-flagging.
    Buying his way into heaven with slavery payments is his latest kick. But let’s face it, he won’t get far with a hundred grand while hands are being held out for BILLIONs!

Subtitle inflation

I was watching the encoloured version of Tony Hancock being a Blood Donor with the subtitles still switched on from previous viewing.
    He was going on about his charity donations where ‘a tenner’ appeared on the screen. The rest of the gifts were just pocket change and what he actually said was ‘a tanner’.
    But maybe whoever was doing the titles was too young to know about sixpences.
p.s. “Have you got any mints?” when talking about the hospital food.
    Have they never heard of mince, either?

Did he make it up?

I was interested to see in the opening credits for a film the name Jack Noseworthy. Very memorable.

The Invisible Author

He’s one of the world’s greatest crime writers, according to the plug on the back of the jacket of Two Kinds Of Truth by Michael Connelly, which I am about to read.
    Can’t say I’ve ever heard of him, even though he’s had 36 other books published. The only Connelly I’ve heard of is Billy, the Big Yin!

No, we ain’t!

“We’re all talking about” has to be the world’s laziest and most over-worked inclusive. A £1,000 fine for every use in print might help to make it go away.

Wonky time zone

Time works weirdly in Midsomer. DCI Barnaby & Sgt. Troy arrive in the middle of the night but when they leave, just a few minutes later, it’s daylight!

Reverse Effect

The saintly Jenni Murray wants porn banned. Which is an excellent way to make it even more desirable to kiddies!

Might eventually happen

Why are right-on Oscars lauding a film that paints the Irish as drunks & imbeciles? another headline asked. Maybe one of the judges has developed a sense of humour.

Include me out

I was reading something about caffeine content in coffee house offerings, and I found the amounts on offer interesting. Espresso is just 30 ml, which is about one mouthful. Hardly worth dirtying a cup for.
    The other ones seem to come in 350 ml helpings. A mugful, the amount I usually have, is 250 ml. So that’s 100 ml too much. I am now certain that not visiting coffee joints is a wise move.

Guess again!

“People don’t simply vanish into thin air” said the headline.
Lord Lucan?

Better things to do

Today’s Daily Mail seems to be encouraging us to think we’ve got dementia. I’m not sure how valuable a public service that is, especially with the NHS broken and unfixable.

Hardly Worth It

Sarah Vine made an interesting point in the Daily Mail the other day. University lecturers are striking for 18 days during a month that contains only 28 of them. And of the 10 days left, 8 of they are weekends. So on which two days are the sods going to do some teaching?

Worth repeating:

Something I read:
    “Silence is betrayal,” quoth Hapless Hairy. Which means that anyone who is too polite to tell him that he's behaving like a little turd is betraying him. Can't have that, can we?

The consequences of being fair

British Gas is getting a lot of stick for sending bailiffs to break into the homes of persistent non-payer to allow a pre-payment meter to be fitted.
    Justification? The non-payers are dumping their financial problems, for whatever reason, on other BG customers, which isn’t fair.

Frivolous Fad

Is it naff to colour-code your books in a display library? Not if you think of them as just decorative items, like spots on wallpaper, and you don’t plan to read any of them or feel a need to find any particular book.

Profiteering because they can?

Why has the price of petrol started creeping up and up? If it keeps going at this rate, it will be the same as diesel by the end of the month.

One possibility

Of course, it’s always possible that the French have as many people shirking at home as us and there aren’t the bodies to spot the spotters. But what’s wrong with letting the home shirkers have drones to do the spotting?

Always an excuse

The French reckon bogus refugees are leaking across the Channel because British charities are sending spotters to beaches in the north of France to warn people smugglers about approaching French security officers.
    It’s obviously too much to expect for the Frogs to arrest the spotters and fine them mercilessly. That would constitute doing something useful.

Occasional Dalliance

Having just watched the ‘best’ hilites of WW SmackDown!, I’m left wondering “MCG! What are the worst ones like?”
    It’s surprising to see Rey Mysterio still going. He must be about 142 years old now but still VFM. Which is more than can be said for the WW. If they can’t scrape an hour’s ring action out of what was a 3-hour show like RAW, what use are they?

Science Schmience

“A rogue meteor shower,” said the lady president of the US in a sciffy film, which is BS. Meteors have as much right to be in the same part of space as planets and they are neither good nor rogue. Unless they’re in league with Vlad the Putin, of course.

Today’s question

Does it say something about the Irish that their emblem is a shamrock rather than a real one?

Not that bad, actually

The last 2 episodes of UNCLE were about a plot to turn everyone into a docile robot. No war, no crime, just everything run by THRUSH when they’d hi-jacked the project.
    Which isn’t a bad situation when you think about it. No more Putin, no teenage whingers like Greenhouse Grotter and Prince Hairy, no Sir Smarmer and Wee Burney and other politicians on the make. No more transisters and their fans. No more ludicrous lefties telling people what to do with their cash. A consummation devoutly to be wished!
    But spoilt by the Schmucks from UNCLE, naturally.

Only Fair

Dan Woootton was doing a ludicrous left spending other people’s money whinge on GB Views last night and ranting about Matt Hancock giving only £10,000 to charity.
    But has Wooootton done the same? If not, he’s a ludicrous moaner and not fit to breath the same air as the generous Mr. Hancock. And even if he has, it’s not up to him to decide what percentage of their income other people give away. Who does he think he is, Vlad the Putin and Boss of the Universe?

Empty space

What to watch now I’ve done all the episodes of the Schmuck From UNCLE? There doesn’t seem to be anything similar on offer.

Over the edge

The Scots prison system is letting a male killer in a female gaol identify as a baby. Which means they have to supply him with nappies, squodge his food into a mush and hold his hand when he leaves the cell.
    They don’t yet have to wheel him round in a pram but that’s only a matter of time.