Monday, 16 July 2018

YOU can fool none of the people none of the time, mate!

The Prime Minister would have us believe that the country will be left with no Brexit at all if her MPs gang up on her and thwart her brilliant plan. But it is excruciatingly obvious that her only plan is to thwart Brexit. Which means that no matter what her MPs do, it won’t make a scrap of difference.

Plus ça change . . .

It used to be the News of the Screws that did the dirty vicar/MP/whatever stories. Now, it’s the Monday edition of the Daily Mail making up for uneventful weekends.
    p.s. “It’s draining my battery.” Is that some sort of modern euphemism?

Sunday, 15 July 2018

You berk, Jezzer!

That old fool Corbyn has called for the Tory Government to step aside if it cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with Europe. I’d like to invite him to step aside if he cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with reality.

Boldly gone turkey

I watched the last half hour of that 2013 Star Trek film on Channel 4 on Saturday night. [BTW: is it me or did it go dark incredibly quickly during that half hour?] OMG! What a load of cobblers.

Some CFL fans are looking cheerful

Okay, the Eskimos beat the Argos by the odd rouge. But a win is a win and there are no more points to be gained for winning by more than one point. Even if it is over the World Champions of Canada.

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Department of useless knowledge

How do the Swiss government know that 100,000-150,000 Swiss citizens get through around 5 tons of cocaine per year between them? It gets boffins to measure the content of benzoylecgonine, one of the metabolites, in waste water and make a guess. I suppose producing this sort of statistic is a living, and maybe a bit more interesting than some.

Life chugs on regardless

Despite all the posturing by has-beens, hypocrites and nobodies, Donald Trump is still President of the United States of America. Imagine their amazement on discovering that no one took any notice of them (and try not to laugh).

Game of Throwns

“Ah wer thrown,” said the accused when asked why his evidence had changed since the police interview. “There wer two on ’em, one asking another question as I wer trying to answer the last one. If owt has changed it’s coz Ah wer thrown the first time.”
    “And that, Milord, is the case for the defence.”

Friday, 13 July 2018

Don’t know when you’re lucky, mate

A Ross Clark got a full page in yesterday’s Daily Mail to moan about being denied a hernia op on the NHS even though he’s paid thousands of pounds in income tax. Given the number of women who have complained to the Sunday Post about the havoc created by faulty mesh implants, maybe his doctor is doing him a favour!

More hoop merchants

A charity is getting excited because one-third of primary school kids haven’t been taught to ride a bike. Something which I never did. In fact, I didn’t do 6 of their top 10 essentials for childhood and it never held me back. But I doubt the control freaks want to hear that; they just want kids jumping through their hoops.

Next move

What can the WW do to top pretending to bluelooterize the Canadian whinger last week? A sick note for KO and a night off; and a spray of air-freshener from his tormentor.

First place is the only one that matters

Does anyone care who ends up third in the World Cup? Thought not.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

How to win

Hint for the French for Sunday: knock in two goals in the first half and don’t let them score. Then knock in another in the second half to make them even more desperate.

Confected outrage

Why is it such a shock-horror-scandal-outrage that the Thai boys who were rescued from the flooded cave system were sedated before they had to navigate flooded tunnels?
    It sounds like the humane thing to do and there would be a scandal only if they hadn’t been sedated.

How do you upset bigots?

Paint the black crosses on the shields above the clock faces on the Elizabeth Tower red, and when the Scottish and Welsh Nationalists start to whinge, challenge them to put some red crosses among the dragons and lions on their national buildings.

Ethics, but not as we know them, Jim

The spirt of the Crystal Methodist lives on at the Co-op. Its insurance wing knows dates of birth and it knows which ancient customers are paying rip-off premiums for insurance. But its management claims it would be unethical and ageist to mention it to them. So much for the customer counts!

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Nothing changes

The mob violence being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of what happened during the Nazi era in Germany. Probably because the same type of people are organizing it.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Exploiting the foolish

Fake vegetarians, who want a vegetable-based burger which looks like one made of meat, and even bleeds red stuff, are being obliged. The only snag is that their indulgence will cost them over 300% the price of a proper burger.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Things that occur to you while watching TV

If we can have subliminal messages; ones which are beneath the threshold of consciousness; why has no one come up with supraliminal to describe statements of the bleedin’ obvious? Especially as the term has a veneer of education as it uses Latin to express an otherwise crude concept.

More from Cloth-Ears

Did he mumble “Alans” or “Adams”?
    What’s the context?
Cockney rhyming slang, mate. Is he trying to get into her Alan Whickers or her Adam Ants?

Inferior product

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Fallguy – that’s a much, much better title than the one they came up with for the latest episode.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

Bloody Foreigners!

Interesting tactic by Ferrari at the British GP: get your No. 2 driver to punt the No.1's main threat to the back of the field, knowing the FIA will let them get away with it.

Keep your Sellotape in the fridge!

I had a print stuck to a wall with some carpet tape judiciously folded into a loop. It was there for ages. A couple of nights ago, it fell down. The adhesive was just too soft and tacky to support the weight of that much paper.
    Same story with other types of sticky tape as regards loss of sticking power. Never known anything like it!!

What they don’t want you to know

Apparently, you have to pay their fee/commission whether or not Purple Brix manage to sell your house. How about that for commisery?

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Just a bit off target

Strange, isn’t it, that when some non-celeb is murdered or dies in an accident, they are always the best person in the world. But when someone we’ve heard of dies, there’s always someone standing by with a book claiming that the deceased was the world’s biggest nasty bastard.
    Sounds like Mr. Death needs to adjust his sights somewhat.

My taxes are paying for this crap

I noticed yesterday that we have a Minister for Women and Equalities?? How can there be more than one of them? Things are either equal or they aren’t. But, of course, in the mad world of politics, let us not forget that some equalities are more equal than others, especially when wimmin are concerned.

Money for ancient rope

This week’s WWE Smackdown wasn’t much better. One wrestling match in the first hour; the rest was fillers, repeats and wibble.
    After an hour and a half, a Z-lister did a bit in the ring before his boss did sneak-attack wibble. A couple of ladies bashed each other about for 4 minutes. To finish, two A-list tag teams did 8 minutes.
    Hardly something worth the time and expense of attending in person for the recording.

Desperation move

The Russians are claiming that the latest episode in the Salisbury poisoning saga is an attempt by Britain to tarnish the World Cup that Putin bought. Is that even possible?

Friday, 6 July 2018

New modern words

Wibsite – an online source of fake news and wibble (see also: BBC)
Scribsite – an online source of naff opinions and scribble, especially about stuff which the perpetrator knows nothing about (see also: blog)

Holy crap, Batman! It’s blue!

There were lots of cries of: “This is crap” when this week’s episode of WWE Raw became a succession of pairs of guys pretending to kick the crap out of a current hero. Then one of the whingers got his comeuppance by allegedly being pushed off a raised area inside a portaloo. He  emerged covered in blue stuff. In the good old days of Vince McMahon, it would have been brown stuff, but these days, even the crap isn’t crap-coloured.

Trade Descriptions Act time

Have you noticed that every-bloody-body; banks, anyone with a website, etc., etc.; is urging us to take more control of our data and so on? Of course, what they really mean is that the mugs should buy a pretence of having more control and let things chug along pretty much as they used to. Not that they’d ever dream of telling us that in plain English.

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Nowhere will be safe

If you’re looking for somewhere to go to avoid being tasered by a trigger-happy copper, take Italy off your list. They’re holding trials with tasers in 11 large cities there (but not Rome, surprisingly) and once they have them, the cops won’t give them up.

Can we chuck out some more Russian spies?

What’s that going to do for Salisbury – knowing that Putin the Poisoner has set off the equivalent of a dirty bomb in the city by contaminating it with novichok? Which effectively lasts forever, according to our experts.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It’s the way he reads them

Crumbs! Was D. Green, MP, really the first secretary of state for lying? Or am I just guilty of not bothering to read the rest of the sentence?

A waste of space and licence-payers’ cash

The BBC’s diversity bloke sounds a really poisonous piece of work. Wibble by the bucketful at the touch of a button. When an organization gets big enough to feel the need to hire someone like him, it needs to be split up and leaned forthwith.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Someone has to say it

Yes, and I’m sure I’m not the only person wondering how much it cost dear old Vlad to get the worst Russian world cup team for decades past Spain on penalties!

You can’t beat a good story

It’s only a comfortable 28 degrees Centigrade in the computer room today and we’re not being threatened with a hosepipe ban just yet. Which is pretty meaningless when you have your own private lake! Still, it was interesting to note that the water companies are saying they can’t treat water fast enough to meet demand.
    Nothing about all the treated water that leaks away through the pipes they can’t be bothered fixing, of course.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Two wheels good, four wheels bad

That was some MotoGP race in Assen! How did they stay on their bikes after some of those collisions! And another good win for Marc Marquez.
    Meanwhile, in Austria: German cars, what bloody use are they?

Curious lapse

I’ve just watched the Tartan DVD version of Ingmar Bergman’s film The Virgin Spring. The notes on the box-sleeve describe the bad guys as swineherds. Filthy swine they might have been, but they had a herd of goats in the film, which the person who wrote those notes clearly hadn’t bothered to watch.

Saturday, 30 June 2018

We know, we know

Nothing like an MP for stating the bleedin’ obvious. M. Hiller, chairman of the public accounts committee, has described public sector pay as a ‘gilded staircase’ and she has noticed that it is fuelled by people awarding themselves more money because they have convinced themselves they’re worth it.
    No danger of Parliament banging some heads together and telling them they’re wrong, though.

Still hot

32 degrees Centigrade again at the end of the afternoon in the computer room yesterday, and that was despite a very chilly wind blasting anyone who dared to venture outside. I suppose that’s a tribute to the quality of the Mansion’s thermal insulation.

Friday, 29 June 2018

Man of Straw

Surprise! There is some secret state in league with dark forces and Jack Straw was lying his head off about rendition when he was Home Sec. But he was a Tony B. Liar crony, so what else do you expect?

Hot, ain’t it!

New world record: 32 degrees Centigrade in my computer room yesterday at the end of the afternoon. No wonder I was sticking to the keyboard and the mouse!

Thursday, 28 June 2018

Pay the legal profession enough and they’ll do anything

The news that the Civil Partnership Act (2004) breaches the ’uman rights of mixed-sex couples, who wish to enjoy this lesser alternative to marriage raises an interesting possibility.
    How soon will it be before some judge declares that insisting on same-species partnerships also abridges ’uman rights?

Oh, for some USEFUL ones

Further proof that we have useless idiots in charge of the police – their leaders don’t want the government to make it illegal for Travellers to invade private property, or public land, and turn it into a rubbish dump.

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Does anyone love the EU?

That’s apart from the Drunckers and the others making money out of it, of course. Switzerland is not happy about free, unchecked movement of labour from the EU. The Swiss People’s Party has collected enough signatures on a petition to force a referendum on the issue of the right of EU citizens to work in Switzerland, which should throw a cat nicely among the pigeons.

Attention all shroud-wavers

Some people do have to be happy – the creed of diversity demands it. But we’re sure you’ll understand if you’re not included as you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Just as dead

Whilst Prince William is laying wreaths in Palestine, is there any chance of one at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem in memory of the terrorism victims who died there?

Rights – but not for everyone

An ex-footballer says he doesn’t like a female commentator’s shrill voice and he’s mobbed by the usual suspects. But a bloke is as entitled to a personal opinion/preference as any sour-faced harridan-git in these enlightened times, surely!

Monday, 25 June 2018

Wheels of glory

Much good cheer among the motor racing fans at the Mansion. The Forces of Evil Vettel got it wrong at the start and let Lewis Hamilton drive untroubled back into the lead of the drivers’ championship in France. And then the Aussie whinger went out on lap 1 of the IndyCar race at Road America in sunny Wisconsin. Some days, the Gods do smile.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Something else that sucks . . .

. . . is the NHS in Scotland, where operations are being cancelled because the management is unable to provide sufficient sterilizing facilities for surgical equipment. Just what exactly do the useless sods do all day?

BT Sport sucks

Much indignation among the Canadian football fans at the Mansion yesterday afternoon, when they settled down to watch Friday Night Football replays but got a second repeat of the Thursday Night match, which they’d already seen.
    No explanation on the BT Sport website, of course. The TV menu there was still showing the wrong programme information. Which is pretty pathetic if BT is supposed to be a communications company.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Damn diverse!

If the BBC really wants to score virtue points, it will have to replace David Dimbleby on Question Time with the daughter of a Pakistani bus driver.

Friday, 22 June 2018

Put the blame where it belongs

Amid all the Trump-bashing by the not-so-great and the not-all-that-good, has anyone got anything to say about the parents who breed children they can’t afford to support and then dump them on the charity of the American taxpayer?
    No? Surprise!

Further proof

The theory that ‘Idiots are in charge everywhere’ got a big boost from Exeter University this week. The luvvies there went into a meltdown apology after sending out an inspirational quotation by Field Marshall Rommel. Sounds like the vice-chancellor got worried that it would melt all the Snoflakes and deprive him of their 9-grand tuition fees!

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Security for all

Mr. Druncker, the EC president, is making more waves over the post-Brexit Irish border. As he and his mates have been playing the terrorism card shamelessly, and the EU doesn’t want the UK to be part of current policing and security co-operation schemes, the time has come to call their bluff.
    Post-Brexit, no Irish citizens will be allowed to enter the UK on national security grounds, and any living here must leave before the end of March, 2019.
    Let’s see what old Druncker and his mates have to say to that!

Academic BS

‘Stonehenge was built using Pythagoras’ theorem two millennia before he was born’, I read in today’s paper. A couple of ‘experts’ have decided that one incarnation of Stonehenge included a rectangle marked by 4 stones, which forms a perfect Pythagorean triangle when split in half.
    But as the ‘experts’ go on to find perfect 3:4:5 and 5:12:13 triangles in landscape features separated by hundreds of miles, one tends to wonder why they don’t just blame it on ancient astronauts rather than a serious Greek mathematician.

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

Yes, common scum

Visions of Richard Littlejohn wheeling his Port-A-Shrine to the station where the three graffiti vandals (not artists) were killed, loaded with empty aerosols to sell to those creating a memorial for the dead pests. No danger of any of them paying to clean up their messes.

Too cute for words

If the exam board is called something as crass as Eduqas, it comes as no surprise to learn that it bogged up ‘listening’ French and Spanish exams by getting the spoken information out of sequence with the questions.

Isn’t cat logic weird?

They know that pulling a partly open door with a paw will open it wider. But why don’t they just give it a good yank instead of doing just enough to sque-ee-ee-eze through a tiny gap?
    Maybe it’s a feline desire to create a sense of mystery and leave humans thinking at a cat could never have got through that tiny gap.

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

More cloth-eyes!

It said ‘Home Office Minister’ but the light was bad and I read it as ‘Some Office Minister’ at first. Which tends to sum up most of today’s politicians. Most of them are total nonentities of the ‘who he/she/it?’ category.

Foot-shot

Don’t you just love it when someone like Laura Bush, wife of George W., sounds off about the children of illegal immigrants being separated from their parents in Texas, only to be told that it was a bill passed when her husband was president that made entering the US illegally a misdemeanour and the separation is what the law demands? And nothing to do with President Trump.

Today’s daft corporate slogan

‘Beyond Office Supplies’ was seen on a van belonging to an outfit called Zen, which was parked on the pavement, delivering supplies to an office. But beyond? I don’t think so.

Monday, 18 June 2018

The infinite, and pointless, spread of diversity for its own sake

Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar with an all-female cast presented as if played by a bunch of convicts! What will the BBC’s next bit of dotty diversity be? Hamlet as played by a bunch of Islamists who are about to go out on a killing spree?

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Consequences? Nah!

One wing of the Glasgow School of Art was wiped out by a fire in 2014. Now, the whole building has been reduced to just a shell as a £35 million restoration was approaching completion.
    Fires at the end of such a project are a known hazard. How many people will get the sack for allowing this one to wreck what was considered one of Glasgow’s iconic buildings? My guess is none.

Fun in Barcelona

The Catalunya MotoGP race was a real demolition derby, with crashes all over the place, Rabat going off into the gravel with his bike on fire! and only 13 finishers. It was a pretty boring win for Lorenzo but the guys behind him did more than their level best to keep the crowd entertained.

Saturday, 16 June 2018

Pointless qualifier

Watching the Eskimos facing up to the Blue Bombers, with lightning thrown in!, we got the inevitable player statistics. Including quarterback sack numbers. But who else, other than a QB, is ever sacked?

Friday, 15 June 2018

Hold the front page? Naaah

Putinstan 5, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia 0. A record home team win for a World Cup opener.
    How much did that cost?

Don’t you just love Thursdays?

What the FK are you doing, you stupid bloody machine?? I have things I need to do.
    Working on updates. 74% completed.
    Do not turn off your computer.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Statistics, and trivial stats

Polluted air in the North of England could be reducing life expectancy by 6 months? B!F!D!

Yes, idiots are everywhere

The things some coppers will say to get themselves noticed! Like the deputy chief con. of S. Yorkshire, who claimed that England football fans who carry a national flag could come across as imperialists and cause antagonism when surrounded by Russia’s state-sponsored football hooligans.
    That’s only England fans who are the imperialists, of course, not the fans of any other nation.

Foreigners are just weird

What does the Spanish FA do when the head coach of their national team is appointed the new boss of Real Madrid? Sack him two days before the team has its first world cup match (against Portugal).

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

A year of significance

The Office for National Statistics has declared that the unemployment rate of 4.2% is the lowest  since records began 47 years ago. Which invites us to ask what was it that happened in 1971 to  make the government suddenly decide to make a guess at the unemployment rate something which it needed to know? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Not a nice man at all

What a slob Patrick Jane, a.k.a. The Mental Case, is. He gets a brand-new couch from the FBI and what does he do? Wipe his mucky boots all over it. The scumbag!

Simplified baking

Mary Berry might chuck all the base ingredients for a cake together in the mixing bowl, but if you’re mixing by hand with a fork, it’s actually easier to incorporate the flour if you mix the butter with the sugar first and then add the flour.
    And if the butter is straight from the fridge, à la Berry, use a knife to chop it into the sugar before you finish the job with a fork.

Monday, 11 June 2018

Ministry of Scumbags

I see the Daily Mail is claiming a victory for its campaign to get a safe haven in the UK for Afghan interpreters who are at risk of being murdered by the Taliban.
    It just a shame that the scumbags at the Ministry of Defence, and the politicians in charge of them, can’t do the decent thing unprompted and without a boot up the backside from a national newspaper.

More to shout about in Texas

The Texas 600 is a swindle as the number is kilometres, not miles. But there was a guy leaping out of a car on fire on lap 7, and the Aussie whinger blew it; unfortunately, taking out another driver on his way to bash the wall. Shame about Wickens being taken out by a ‘racing incident’ with Carpenter. Cudda bin another win in his rookie year. But it was to be Cool-Hand Dixon’s night.

Nothing much to shout about

The shouty bloke on the Sky Sports F1 commentary team had a bit to do on lap one of the Canadian Grand Prix. Then it was back in his box until he tried; and failed miserably; to make the procession seem a bit exciting at the end.

Sunday, 10 June 2018

Turn about is fair play

The SNP reckons putting off holding an independence referendum until they think they can win it would be a good idea. Which means that it would be only fair to give their opponents the right to hold yet another referendum when they think they can win – to make it the best of three.

You live and learn

A Labour MP reckons it’s Dickensian for the Lord Provost of Glasgow to swan around in a Rolls-Royce limo. They had Rolls-Royce cars when Charles Dickens was around, then?

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Why, aye!

The Daily Mail is getting a new editor, who’s called Geordie Greig. What wasn’t explained is whether that’s really his name or he’s notoriously from Newcastle.

Friday, 8 June 2018

The right of reply

Don’t you just wish that when some scumbag journalist yells a cheeky question at a minister in Downing Street that he/she would turn round and yell: “If you’re going to talk like a twat, wear a silly hat.”

Just an offensive affectation

Is it sexist to object to female tennis players shrieking and screaming through their matches? Not at all. It’s biology. Women have higher-pitched voices than men on the whole (that’s real women) and their shrieks are more piercing and would normally be taken as a sign that they’re in deadly danger and in need of help; usually from some big, strong bloke(s). So no wonder they’re upsetting when they’re done just to put the opponent off.

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Belgian doctors are great!

When a woman found herself stuck with a gym contract she couldn’t afford and wouldn’t be likely to use, she got her doctor to write her a sick note to get out of the contract. And when the gym shopped the doctor to his professional association (the equivalent of the GMC here), they ruled that the doctor had acted in the best interests of his patient and had done nothing wrong.
    How brilliant is that!

The bruvvers, united . . .

Has Labour’s Brexit strategy spit the party? No, way! The management of HM’s Opposition has created such a mess that every faction of the party hates what is on offer and the whole party is united in opposition to the mess.

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Cant from Khan

Labour’s mayor of London, the token bus driver’s son, is big on moans about reductions in the police budget. But he never seems to have anything to say about why there isn’t as much cash sloshing around. Probably because he was cheering Gordon bloody Brown (Labour) on when he spent the nation into bankruptcy.

Rights & Merits

Lawyers playing the race card seem to be getting a lot of TV exposure in the coverage of the Grenfell Tower inquiry. There’s a lot about the divide between rich and poor, but not a lot about what the clients of these taxpayer-funded characters have done to deserve the right to pick the pockets of people with more than they have. But that’s how the politics of envy operates.

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Nothing for free

It looks like a brilliant bit of technology in the advert: a watch which is powered by light and never needs to be fed a new battery.
    Except for one thing.
    My watch spends its daytime life up my sleeve, so when would one of the brilliant new ones ever see enough light to charge it up?
    One of my watches is a 1970s Seiko self-winder, for which a gadget to rock it back and forward at night was (may still be) available for those people who don’t move about enough during the day to keep it wound up. Maybe the brilliant new light-powered watch needs to be put next to its own little night light when the owner is asleep to make sure that it has enough juice to keep going through the following day.
    Maybe that’s a brilliant new business available to some entrepreneur: flogging such night lights.

Monday, 4 June 2018

Danger! Pace car driver!

Well, there we all were, lined up to watch the second IndyCar race at Detroit but what happened? The clown in the pace car smashed it into the wall at 70 mph while leading the cars from the pits on to the track for the start. So it was talk among yourselves for 34 minutes while they swept up the bits.
    Whoever made the decision about cautions did a very sensible job during the race. Drivers who managed to unscrew a screw-up were allowed to do it under green-flag racing. Could Mr. Rossi be related to the pace car driver? He certainly blew it big time on laps 64/70 and gifted what looked like his win to RHR.

Sunday, 3 June 2018

Danger! Wildlife!

You’d think all the crowds and the noise would send wild animals in the area looking for cover but not in Italy. A crazy hare (not knowing it’s June not March) did its best to wreck today’s Moto3 race at Mugello by scooting across the track and avoiding the leader’s front wheel by millimetres. Not quite as dramatic as Kornfeil’s save a couple of weeks ago, but getting there!

Saturday, 2 June 2018

Nothing new under the sun

What would the film world do without Jaws? There are tons of films in which the shark is replaced by tornadoes, a swarm of piranhas, a volcanic eruption and GKW. Which leaves me wondering: Which film’s plot did Jaws rip off? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

Who?

I’ve heard of five of the Vogue list of the world’s 25 most influential women. Is this a record?
p.s. Two of them because of whom they’re married to.

Friday, 1 June 2018

There are idiots everywhere, unfortunately.

There’s some idiot Quick Crossword setter who thinks the answer to Treacle (6,5) is Golden Syrup. Obviously an idiot who doesn’t know that treacle is dark enough brown to look black and it comes in red tins, whereas golden syrup is a golden yellow colour and its tins are green.

No, it isn’t fair

Why is it okay for women to ogle half-naked men and not vice versa? Because wimmin think the rules are different for them and they will be for as long as men let them get away with their sexism. Maybe they should be renamed the unfair sex.

Let’s not be blunt

Anyone who tries to ban pointed weapons, like pencils and ball point pens, is going to end up stabbed so many times that the pathologist won’t be able to count all of the holes.

Thursday, 31 May 2018

They should be grateful!

The Russians should be thanking the Ukrainians for the on/off death of Putin enemy Arkady Babchenko. His decision to co-operate with the Ukrainian version of MI5 to catch a couple of stooges sent to kill him gave the Kremlin’s apologists some much needed exercise. But, sadly, they failed to produce anything convincing in their latest shower of ‘not me, Govs’.

Death with no possible alternative

Preferably a slow and painful one. That’s the only possible sentence for the scumbag(s) who came up with the V.I. Poo TV ad campaign.

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Relax! Nothing to worry about

We can assume nothing bad is happening in the world if the main issue is whether some footballer should have his leg amputated after getting a tattoo of an American assault rifle on it. How unpatriotic can you get!

Blame the politicians

Yet another poll has confirmed that people think life was better in the past. Which just confirms that when politicians start forcing change, usually from disreputable motives (EU membership, Iraq war, open migration), they always make things worse in the long run.

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Bonehead ‘science’

One of the Daily Mail’s correspondents yesterday was beefing about counting 12 vapour trails in the sky over Gatwick airport and asking if this is compatible with the new clean-air revolution.
    If the spivs in government, and the beefer, manage to get atmospheric water vapour (including clouds?) Made illegal, we’re all doomed!!

Monday, 28 May 2018

Not here, mate!

We’re supposed to have had the Saddam Hussein of all thunderstorms yesterday. But whilst it got a bit cloudy at the end of the afternoon over the Mansion, no rain, no nothing here. But my ‘here’ isn’t somewhere allegedly important, like London.

The excitement of Monaco

Things were so processional at the Monaco Grand Prix yesterday that shouty bloke on Sky was reduced to getting wildly excited when Verstappen made a pass at the back of the field, to which he had been relegated after crashing his car too badly for it to be fixed in time for Saturday’s qualifying sessions.

Jobsworths?

Retired (forcibly) Hollywood mogul Harvey WeinStein’s lawyer is confident that he will end up exonerated at the end of the legal process. Which raises the question of why the cops are harassing the guy. Probably because they’re trying to look busy before they bung in a pay claim.

Sunday, 27 May 2018

Brightens the day up

Nothing like a shot at the Sunday Post for cheering you up. Today’s big story is that bottles of Irn Bru might have a wonky cap, which can come flying off like the cork from a champagne bottle, which should liven things up a bit north of the border.

Saturday, 26 May 2018

Zero Data Storage

Just in case anyone is wondering, I don’t seek personal data from anyone who reads this stuff, nor do I retain personal/tracking data on readers. And I have no access to anything that Google collects.

Reporter? Schmeporter!

My attention was deflected by very sloppy reporting from a story about a theory that flying birds became extinct after the meteor strike @ Chicxulub on the Yucatan peninsula for a very simple reason. The theorists think that forests became extinct and flying birds died out for a lack of places to perch whilst ground-dwelling birds were unaffected, and the present flying birds evolved from them when the forests regrew.
    What deflected me was the idiot reporter telling me “as forests burned around the world”. Really? A meteor hitting Mexico would set fire to all the trees in all the rest of the world? Pur-lease!

Friday, 25 May 2018

Vain hope

One day, Berko, the Squeaker of the Commons, might identify as a decent human being.
    But not just yet.

In the back of the net!!

President Trump has won the nuclear football cup. Kim Jong-whoever was still winding up to calling off their talks when Trump left him standing with a letter telling him to forget it until he can be serious about it.
    Nice one, Donald!

Thursday, 24 May 2018

He really did try!

One of the staff has pointed out that the much later Isaac Asimov, SF author and science writer, reckoned he had produced 300 books, which sounds very hard-core!

Not really trying

The just late Philip Roth is hailed as ‘producing more than 30 books’ in an obituary article. “A mere dabbler,” a writer of my acquaintance said when I mentioned the word-bite.
    The walls of his writing room play host to a pair of banner posters featuring reduced versions of the front covers of the books which he has produced. As his total is 135 (and counting), I am inclined to agree with his observation.

Wednesday, 23 May 2018

Shrinking population

Half of the UK’s adults will be obese by 2045, the experts are shrieking. Which leaves the rest of us unimpressed as the last we heard from these same experts is that 60% of the population is obese right now!

Invent your own

The visible part of the headline on the folded newspaper was ‘In Ermine’. Vermin in Ermine? I thought. Turned out to be Dinosaurs (talking about the House of Frauds). I like my version better.

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

Ouija News?

A looney left Labour MP is getting some stick after claiming that she knows for a fact that Princess Di wouldn’t have approved of the recent Royal/celeb wedding jamboree. But seen in the context of a pathetic cry of: “Notice me, pur-leeeese!”, it certainly seems to have worked.

The real me? Like as if!

The latest piece of earth-shattering social research has found that women tend to use dating websites as a check on their dateability rather than as a means for finding a temporary BF.
    Just knowing that they can create a profile which attracts some interest is enough to make them feel good.

Monday, 21 May 2018

Good grief!

I watched the daftest sciffy film of all time last night. It’s called Asteroid: Final Impact and it came out in 2015. President O’Bummer has cancelled an infrared satellite project, which means that a dark asteroid is about to wipe out life on the Earth.
    Steve, our boffin hero, reckons that shooting 3 lbs of hydrochloric acid at the killer rock using a rocket his kid built will save the world. The rock is about half a mile away when the rocket goes up. Blooch! No more death-rock. It just vanishes. Yeah, right.

Sunday, 20 May 2018

High flier

The sporting event of today has to be the sight of Kornfeil hitting the fallen Bastianini’s bike in the Moto3 race at Le Mans and leaping up into the air and over it to a safe landing instead of becoming involved in the crash. And he went on to finish 6th.

Cup Finals of contrasts

That Chelski guy should change his name to Flabbergast. What fun the commentators would have telling us that opponents had been Flabbergasted. The vast army of Man.U. haters enjoyed watching Grumpy Jose get grumpier and there was an element of suspense to the English Cup Final as Chelsea, unlike Celtic in Scotland, didn’t feel the need for an insurance goal after their first.

Saturday, 19 May 2018

Lucky day for sport fans

Two Cup Finals! Wow! What have we done to deserve this?

Spit and image

If they ever remake Minder, they should put Hugh Grant in the cast. Got up like Jeremy Thorpe, he looks just like Arthur Daley in a really grumpy mood.

Just put them away

Does anyone really care that Judy Murray has wobbly arms? Apart from her, of course. Honestly! The things celeb-ettes will say to stay noticed.

Friday, 18 May 2018

Defence mechanism

Here’s a great idea: people who aren’t addicted to mobile phones should be issued with one of those air-powered foghorn gadgets to blast phone-obsessed idiots who stroll along crowded pavements, not looking where they are going.

Scrape, scrape

How desperate can you get? The diggers have found that Mhegan Mherkel has an 8th cousin who is the great, great, great grandson of an executed murderer, who was in London when Jack the Ripper was active.

Thursday, 17 May 2018

Doubtful definition

Beggars at Windsor for the Royal Weeding are earning £100 or more per day? What a strange world we live in when badgering people for cash is put on a parallel with useful employment.

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Meaningless slogan

“Up to 13 hours hold” is claimed by FixRodent, the dental plate sticky stuff. But if your plate starts to wobble after a couple of seconds, they haven’t told you a lie. Note that they would never dream of telling you: “at least x hours hold”.

Aghast academic

A professor, who was trying to tie himself in to the 200th anniversary of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein has come up with the coy conclusion that the monster was ‘probably’ equipped with 'the machinery of manhood'. But he fails to provide a reason why Frankenstein would have hacked bits off the creature, which he was trying to animate. Especially a necessary external piece of equipment for the monster to have a pee.

What goes around . . .

If he wasn’t using taxpayers’ cash to do it, you’d have to laugh at the cheek of Commons Squeaker Berko, who’s bulling his staff into helping his pals spread the fake news that he’s not a bully.

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

What’s to choose between them?

a) D. Milipede, the midwife of hard Bremoan and giving lots of cash to the EU in return for . . . nothing much.
b) E. Milipede, the midwife of hard censorship to prevent the criminal and disreputable actions of Labour donors from being exposed to the gaze of the Great Unwashed.

No Mr. Nice Guy

Hamas vs Israel – North Korea vs . . . North Korea with nukes.

Monday, 14 May 2018

The only line rather than the bottom one

Is everything money-grubbing these days? Whenever some event comes to one of our cities, we have to be told how many millions it will bring into the local economy. As if that’s the only reason for hosting the event.

There has to be a reason for it!

The experts reckon 81% of women are too stressed to function in the modern world. Which explains why blokes are running just about everything.

Competition on the way

Look out, Jessica Fletcher. The wife of the current DCI Barnaby of Midsomer has decided that she’s going to be a writer of murder mysteries.

Sunday, 13 May 2018

Can’t wait for the next one

That’s the next Grand Prix; but for all the wrong reasons. The ‘can’t wait’ applies to what the bloke who does the shouty bits to pretend something exciting is happening will say about the Spanish GP. Okay, the British guy won and it was a Mercedes 1-2 finish and the German guy bogged up his strategy and finished 4th. But after the lap 1 crash, it was read the paper time until Hamilton crossed the line safely. But, not doubt, the shouty bloke, will be telling us it was one of the greatest of all time during the warm-up for the usual procession in Mona-yawn-co.

Saturday, 12 May 2018

True words spoken unwittingly

“Be still my heart!” quoth one of the WWE commentators. But if his heart did stop still, he’d drop dead and we’d be rid of an annoying creep. Be still, indeed!

Not even faint praise

A writer of my acquaintance reckons if you want a good quote to go on a book cover, write it yourself. A couple of examples from my current reading material make the point:
    “The good news is that Laidlaw is back” invites speculation about what the bad news is. That the story is crap, maybe?
    “The Laidlaw books are not just great crime novels, they are important ones” Books about a demented Glasgow copper are important? Really?

Friday, 11 May 2018

Let us give you loot

An official-looking brown envelope with a window arrived in the morning mail. Bad news from the taxman or the council? Nope, it was addressed to ‘the occupier’.
    The letter turned out to be some outfit offering free PPI checks and trawling for personal information.
    Bad luck, chaps. You reached the only person in the country who never had PP insurance.

Philosophy for life revisited

That bit about lying bastards becomes even more true when you consider the role of Jack Straw, then Home Sec., and also Mysterious Mark, the guy in charge of MI6, when an Islamist enemy of Colonel Gaddaffy was kidnapped by the CIA with British government help as part of Tony B. Liar and George W. Bush’s strategy for getting Gaddaffy on-side against the Islamists.

Seen in passing

Spotted in the credits of an ancient episode of Dragnet; one without Colonel Potter of M*A*S*H as Friday’s sidekick: Feild Gray as one of the two art directors.
    I bet spellcheckers have a feild day with his name.

Thursday, 10 May 2018

Philosophy for life

If you take as a default position, the assumption that politicans, by and large, are a bunch of gutless lying bastards, you’ll never go far wrong.

Hard to swallow

The insurance industry is promising to turn over a new leaf and be decent and honest and not to swindle existing customers in the future. But it’s going to take a lot more than some PR tripe to persuade people that loyalty counts.

Just plain silly

10M WATER RESISTANT
    The hands on my watch were up at the top, well away from this slogan at the bottom of the face, which strikes me as an expression of the truly pointless. There is no chance of my watch ever being immersed in 10 metres of water, and I would venture to suggest that the same applies to every other watch like it. And it’s only ‘resistant’, not ‘proof’.
    I really do hope that whoever came up with the idea that this slogan would play a part in a decision to buy a particular watch ended up where he belonged; in a padded cell.

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

Not entirely their fault every time

Whingeing Millennials are under fire over a think tank’s notion that every 25-year-old should get £10K as a present from the nation. To be fair to the snoflakes, who do deserve most of the flak, some of it is generated, as in this case, by oldies (usually discredited and/or redundant politicians) trying to buy their votes or, as in this case, curry their admiration with other people’s money.

Selectively Charitable

I got stuck in traffic briefly within eyeshot of a charity shop, which calls itself The Local Shop For Local People, which struck me as delivering a rather unfortunate message. “If you’re local, you’ve welcome to come in. If not, you can bugger off.” Needless to say, I did the latter.

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

Thought for the day

The big advantage of eating on your own is that you can be as messy as you like and no one else will ever know!

Do as I say, not as I do

How did Putin the poisoner manage to win the latest Russian presidential election by a mile? Simply by not letting his main rival take part in the election. Maybe our prime minister should consider doing the same to J. Corbyn next time we have a general election. After all, Labour is full of Russophiles. They could hardly object to the new democracy without criticizing their other hero.

What did he just say?

“Trucking Hell”, indeed. Who thinks up these cute titles for the shows on 5Spike? Probably a newspaper sub-editor with the necessary connections.

Monday, 7 May 2018

Home win guaranteed

President Putin has had variable results with his attempts to rig foreign elections but he seems to have no problems with rigging elections in Russia. As a result, he and his mates can continue to keep their hands in the cookie jar pretty well until the Grim Reaper calls time on Vlad.

Ignoble ignorance

Someone needs to tell Bliar crony Lord Adonis that it’s not the Home Secretary who deports people, it’s the idiots at the Home Office. And if they abuse the system, that’s because they’re idiots.

What’s in a name?

There was someone called Clotworthy in the credits of an episode of The Mental Case yesterday; the one at 5 p.m. Which set me wondering if the name causes the same reaction in the US as to someone British. Answers on a PC to the usual address.

Sunday, 6 May 2018

Faint praise, indeed!

Bercow is not altogether bad as Commons Speaker in the same sense that Harvey Weinstein is not altogether a bad film mogul.
    So that’s the pipsqueak told!

Unknown Rule

Why do some men wear brown shoes with navy or black trousers? a lady asks in the Sunday Post. Probably because they don’t know there’s a law against it!

Saturday, 5 May 2018

Has Been? Never Was Been!

It’s just not true that J. Corbyn is past his peak, as pundits were claiming after Labour’s disaster in the local elections. He never had a peak to be past.

Friday, 4 May 2018

Originality index zero

There’s a salvage expert who’s trying to claim that supplying drought-hit South Africa with water in the form of icebergs from Antarctica is a solution that no one else has thought of.
    That’s apart from all the other people who have had the same idea over the last 150 years.

Hazard of convenience living

Flushed wet wipes are building up huge colonies in the river Thames and could become a tourist attraction, or even a hazard to navigation, if not tackled urgently.

Thursday, 3 May 2018

Why?

A man who has been fighting terrorists in Syria has been arrested here on suspicion of terrorism offences. Which explains why the police ignore real crimes, like burglaries. They’re too busy making up imaginary ones.

Another telephone scam

Hi, said the recorded voice of a lady(?) with an American accent, this is your internet service provider (no name, no pack drill). Your IP address has been compromised by attacks from foreign IP addresses but we will give you a new one for free.
    Please press ‘1' to contact our technician (and be scammed).
    The call came from the 01789 area code.

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Clotheyes on the job

Mrs. May’s chief civil service Brexit negotions wallah is some character whose name, to a casual glance, looks like Oily Robbins. You’d think she’d have picked someone whose name has a bit more credibility for such an important job. Oily is rather too close to the truth.

Unwarranted obstruction

There’s a huge van called Loomis parked on the pavement. No one loading or unloading it, though. The thing is just there, in the way. “Managing cash in society” sez the stupid corporate motto on the side of the van. [Where else would you need to manage it? No society, no need for cash.] And doing so by getting in everyone’s way.

Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Who He?

How old is Lord Roberts if he can bring to mind memories of March 1933? Is he really in the running for job of World’s Oldest Man? More likely, he’s just another deluded HUTAgonian and a truly Trivial Democrap.

Or is it backwards?

Mr. Javid, the new Home Secretary, was born in this country but he claims he started thinking ‘it could have been me’ when he heard about the Windrush shambles. Which means he either has an over-active imagination or he’s a sympathy junkie. Not a promising start.

Monday, 30 April 2018

One step sideways

The idiots at the Home Office don’t know the difference between legal and illegal migrants and the Home Sec. has been dumped as a time-honoured way of admitting that the idiots have been really stoopid. What do we get as a replacement? A guy who doesn’t know the difference between Pakistan and the Caribbean.

The modern world explained

Why is it called a hash tag? Because Twitter is mind-marijuana, which makes its users paranoid and crazy.

Not as bad as expected

According to the weather forecast, we were supposed to be starting a wet, chilly spell today. Which made it all the more enjoyable to watch the reporters hoping to yell something at the new Home Secretary getting rained on in London while we’re enjoying a sunny day.

Brief encounter

President Kim’s chumming up to his counterpart in South Korea is seen as being just as sincere as McRon’s attempt to become Donald Trump’s boyfriend. All teeth and tits on the day, then back to normal when the cameras stop rolling.

Sunday, 29 April 2018

One good bit

“Enjoy the Grand Prix?” I asked one of the staff after the one in Azerbaijan
“I got a lot of t-shirts ironed,” he replied.
“That fascinating, eh?”
“Vettel blew it at the end, though, so I’m glad I stuck with it.”

Saturday, 28 April 2018

It’s Clothears again

Cabinet Ministers have rallied round the emBasiled Home Secretary Ambrosia Rudd after a very Fawlty performance in recent weeks.

Friday, 27 April 2018

North Korea blinks

Looks like K.J.-u. has realized that there will be more in it for him and his entourage from pretending to be peace-loving nice people than from being rocket-shootin’, nucular-testin’ bad guys. Especially if he’s getting no change out of President Trump.

Some of his Dad’s spirit needed

“Take your hoop and shove it” should be the response from Prince Chazzer to all those agitating for him to drop everything to inspect his latest grandson, Prince Louis Mountbatten.

Thursday, 26 April 2018

Minor credibility problem

The Corbynites and the trade unions are trying to tell us that the Labour party isn’t a morass of misogyny, anti-Semitism and bullying. Maybe they could re-hire Alastair Campbell as their press agent. Everyone trusts and believes him.

Still no good at it

Alastair Campbell, a candidate for the World’s Worst Liar Award, claims he never lied to journalists when he was working for Tony B. Liar. And then he gets upset when no one believes him. Go figure.

I second the motion

Spotted today:
“The government is giving nearly £50 million/year in aid to China, the world's 2nd largest economy, which also has a multi-billion-pound overseas aid programme. What more proof do we need that government departments are stuffed to the rafters with idiots?”

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Time to despair

Bad news for Swiss makers of proper watches: they’ll be extinct before they know it. 14% of people in Britain can’t tell the time from a watch which isn’t digital, and the figure is going relentlessly up and up as kids are no longer taught to tell the time properly in schools.
    How long before Big Ben’s clock faces become digital? Bong!

Apt punishment

Is it really true that the bloke who killed 10 people with a van in Toronto did it because he couldn’t find a woman who was willing to shag him? If it is, he should be sentenced to spend 25 years in a women’s prison. Locked in a chastity belt.

Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Have mercy, you sods

What we really need is a one-year moratorium on the use of the word ‘brilliant’. Newspaper hacks have flogged all meaning out of it and converted the word into a groanworthy cliché. It needs a long period of rest and recuperation.

Time flies

Is Grace Slick really 78!?! But she sounds so young on the Jeffersons’ records.

Age unconcern

Here’s an interesting thought from one of my neighbours, who’s in his early 70s: you can make friends with a neighbourhood cat, who’s maybe a couple of years old, and start wondering who’s going to last longer, you or her. And the smart money goes on her.

Monday, 23 April 2018

Put the blame where it belong

Let us not forget that if Pippa’s in-laws are mired in scandal, it’s only because the nasty bastard news meeja have the extreme bad manners to rake things up in order to sleaze them at every slight opportunity.

A day of contrasts

Motorsport fans watching MotoGP with one eye and the IndyCar race with the other at 8 p.m. last night were offered motorbikes speeding around in bright sunshine in Austin, Texas, versus cars in clouds of spray in rain in Birmingham, Alabama.
    In Texas, it was Zarco’s turn to clobber Rossi and Marc Marquez showed his younger brother how to win. In Birmingham, the highlight was the Aussie whinger aquaplaning across the track and into the wall when the race was restarted after a caution. A red flag a couple of laps later meant that they couldn’t rebuild his car and he was done.

Bad people sometimes do cute things

You just have to love to hate some bad guys. Like President Assad of Syria, who relinquished his Legion d’honneur award of his own accord and did President McRon out of a display of nauseatingly faux virtue-signalling.

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Is real life in America really this stoopid?

I was watching an episode of The Mental Case yesterday. Patrick Jane went to pay a parking fine and an irate guy with a gun arrived. When Jane went out to talk to Agent Lisbon, there were about 99 cops outside, all aiming guns at him. And looking like prize pillocks.
    Does it really take that many cops to make fools of themselves IRL?

Not my telephone preference!

The phone rings. Some creep asks me if I’ve been getting a lot of unwanted calls.
    “Like this one?” sez I.
    The creep rings off.

Saturday, 21 April 2018

Keep trying, love

Some female of Guyanan descent seems to have thrown a major wobbly (for the publicity?) because Prince Chuck said she doesn’t look like she comes from Manchester. She might have been born here but she clearly hasn’t yet acquired a stiff enough upper lip to be eligible to be British.

On to the next phase

The world can relax. Kim Jong-whoever has announced an end to North Korea’s nuclear testing. Mainly because his boffins have done enough of it to be able to build him as many nuclear weapons as the Chinese will let him have.

Everyone hates pushy people

Should pro-life campaigners be banned from protesting outside abortion clinics? Yes. They should be told to go and do something useful rather than trying to run (ruin?) other people’s lives. Their right to freedom of expression includes a responsibility not to harass people who don’t want to know their views.

Friday, 20 April 2018

A jestful, but accurate, description

There’s nothing like a good nickname for putting a waxwork in his place. Take the former head of the civil service Roberto Kerslake as an example. He became known at Bungalow Bob because he has little up top. Which tells you all you want to know about this sorry Corbynite.
    p.s. His alternative nickname is Bungling Bob.

Quickly sorted

Seen on a WW ring: World Wish Day. Okay, I’ll buy it. I wish we had a world.
    There, that’s that out of the way.

Thursday, 19 April 2018

One back at you

We keep getting bits of Britain disrupted by wartime bombs, so it’s nice to know the Germans have the same problem. Workers on a building site near the main station in Berlin have found one, so that’s more misery for commuters when they close everything down on Friday to defuse it.

Fie to Faux

Think you’re buying fake but you get the real thing – is that a bad deal? MPs are worried about people buying faux fur and getting products containing real fur when they use online retailers like Amazon.
    You’d think they’d have more important things to occupy their attention, but the Westminster Wonders are not noted for having real-world priorities.

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Holey foot

Old Corbyn fires a rocket at the PM, accusing her of having Windrush landing cards shredded in 2010. She sinks him with the revelation that it happened in 2009 under Labour. But he just rattles on with the planned tirade.
    Earplugs, not paying attention, or just not interested in any views but his own?

Concern reserved

Should we be worried about a picture in the newspaper of a stag with a plastic bag caught in its antlers? Not really. The animal is in no danger and the bag is doing no harm where it is.

Home Office = mega-screw-up

I see Dr. Ong has been allowed to continue his GP training here, even though he’s from Singapore and doesn’t have any ’uman rights. I suppose it will be too much to hope for the bozos at the Home Office who wasted taxpayers’ money on trying to deport him will get the sack.

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Things you realize whilst watching TV:

Being a dealer isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you work in a casino in Las Vegas. [or Atlantic City]

New hobby for idle hands

If Oxford University goes ahead with its plan for the statue of Cecil Rhodes, the original statue will end up locked away in the basement and replaced by a copy and a box of marker pens, which looney lefties can use to write racialist slogans on the substitute statue. Expectations for the standard of spelling are not high.

An eternal truth

The plight of the post-war migrants from the Caribbean and their children; the ones who didn’t bother to get a passport; underlines a basic part of the operating code of any government department. When some dozy bastard of a civil servant has the option of applying a new rule to circumstances where it doesn’t apply, the dozy bastard will always do something embarrassingly boneheaded.

Monday, 16 April 2018

Credibility zero

A sacked FBI director with a book to plug tries to sleaze President Trump. What’s his next move? Applying for the job of the Russian ambassador?

Recognition long overdue

How much longer is J. Corbyn going to have to wait before he’s awarded his Hero of the Soviet Union medal? What more can one man do to further the cause of this country’s enemies.

Which, oh, which?

I have this brilliant title for a book: The Fournicators but I can’t decide which plot to give it.
    a) Two couples on a headlong dash through the catalogue of hedonism; or
    b) THREE hookers and a motel room for the man the police couldn’t keep banged up.
All suggestions on a PC to the usual address.

Sunday, 15 April 2018

Setting priorities

Billy ‘Big Yin’ Connolly reckons that if the love of your country is all you have, you’re in a desperate state. Quite right. What’s life without the price of a pint of heavy and a bottle of Bucky?

Pull the other one

Winnie Mandela is up for sainthood now she’s dead? I suppose all the people her gang of thugs killed have been conveniently forgotten. And all the loot that vanished.

More!

Well, that was fun to watch: the forces of evil Ferrari trounced by Red Bull’s superior tyre strategy and a driver who thought he was auditioning for Fast & Furious 8.

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Lazy sod

Come on, Mr. Putrid! If you’re going to tell a lie, make an effort. No one believes we sent the RSC to Syria to stage a poison gas attack at Douma. Or is that Putin the Poisoner’s way of admitting he’s responsible for all of the recent chemical attacks and telling the rest of the world, “So what? And by the way, you know that poison gas attack that didn’t happen in Syria? Britain dunnit.”

Oh, for a muse of . . . credibility

Bloke got up as a woman in court for bashing real woman for pointing out he’s not a woman. The accused described as a bicycle courier of no fixed abode.
    Who’s writing the script these day/ Monty Python?

Friday, 13 April 2018

Pour me a large one!

Drinking 10 glasses (2 bottles) of wine a week cuts life expectancy by 2 years. Sounds like a good deal to me; a few drinks instead of a couple of years at the fag end of life being neglected and unappreciated.

Spotless

The Russians are now claiming that there is no evidence of a chemical attack on Douma in Syria. They know this for a fact because they sent in a crime scene clean-up crew with their liberation army to remove any remaining evidence.

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Reasons to be cheerful . . . not!

The latest bit of good news from the ‘experts’ is that if you stay up late and get up late in the morning, you have a 10% better chance of dying an early death. Oh, joy!

Up for grabs

What’s the opposite of the bee’s knees? How about the dog’s knees? Other suggestions on a PC to the usual address.

It’s obvious, really

How did old Putin get to be the sixth most popular person on the planet? Easy: the result came out of an on-line survey and we all know how many hackers he has working for his fake news industry.

Nomenclature tangle

What should we call vegans who eat fake meatburgers, ‘pork’ sausages and ‘bacon’? Fauxnivores? Carnicheats? Transvores? Or just plain not serious about their fad.

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

More from cloth-ears

“You’re snoad? What’s that?
“Snowed. As in snowed under?”
“Oh, right.”

You get what you see?

I saw a couple of vans in formation today, both operated by an outfit called ‘abstract roofing’. How very nice of them, I thought, to warn their customers what to expect. And how few legs the customers will have to stand on if they think the finished job looks like something knocked out by the Picasso brothers.

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

Trouble at the top

There’s an essay about credibility by Max Hastings occupying 3/4 of a page in today’s Daily Mail. He mentions a book by an American academic, who sounds off about a lack of respect for expertise and leadership, which is abroad in the world.
    Their combined output can be summed up in a few words: our current leaders are idiots, crooks or clueless, or a mixture.
    Lucky us!

Monday, 9 April 2018

Sporting happiness

I’m still trying to decide which was the best bit of yesterday’s MotoGP – Cal Crutchlow winning again or Marc Marquez punting Rossi off the track and getting a bit of revenge for past insults.

Bury the bad people!

MotoGP features motorbike racing; something you’d expect to appeal mainly to an audience of younger petrol-heads. And yet there are adverts for funeral plans for old people. If the good die young, what does that say about insurance company ad department targets?

Sunday, 8 April 2018

Stunted command (of life and reality)

What sort of idiot reaches the rank of Chief Constable without grasping that female voices don’t belong in a male voice choir?

Getting there

America is at the cutting edge, right? Britain is hopelessly mired in millennia of history, right? And yet, the Yanks have only just discovered the chip butty, and they think it’s a Turkish delicacy. But it’s somehow reassuring to find out that they’re not half as clever as they make out.

Not possible

There can’t possibly have been a poison gas attack in Syria because the Putin regime says it never happened. And we all believe every word we hear from them, right?

Get it right, Boris!

Oh, dear. Boris is wrong about Corby. Yes, Corbyn is an idiot but everything he does proves that he is definitely not a useful one.

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Human wrongs

How come all our idiots are useless? Who has cornered the market in useful ones?

Who’s the war with?

The BBC’s Radio Four has just invited me to give my views on Brexit and the coming trade war in one of its phone-in programmes. But it failed to offer a vital piece of information. Who are we having a war with? The EU? Russia? Someone else. We really should be told.

Friday, 6 April 2018

Could Be

I happened to see a bit of a recording of the WWE’s show RAW this morning. One of the cast is billed as The Empress of Tomorrow but she seems to be called Oscar. Which set me wondering. Is a girl named Oscar the long-lost sister of the boy named Sue that Johnny Cash used to sing about?

Fringe Benefit

It must be great to be a Russian diplomat. When your bosses order you to tell a lie, you don’t even have to pretend to believe the garbage you’re spouting.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Do these clowns ever listen to themselves?

Gordon Bennett! This Novichok stuff must be dead easy to make if state ‘actors’ can churn it out. What Russians scientists are making, as opposed to their luvvies, doesn’t bear thinking about!

Not to be tolerated

What is it about the British justice system that attracts so many idiots? The latest example is what happened to a 78-year-old man, who was attacked by armed burglars in his home. One of the burglars died of a stab wound, the other fled, abandoning his mate. Next thing you know, the home owner was charged with GBH then murder.
    No doubt the idiot who charged him will plead, “I was only following orders” and blame the system. No excuse. Neither is having a system which lets idiots create the rules, and places idiots in positions of authority in the police, the CPS and everywhere else in the so-called justice system.

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

What’s Putin saying now?

We used poison made by some other country to try to kill Sergei Skripal (and his daughter) so the Russians are innocent somehow?
    Desperate, or what!

This month’s busted myths

Eating pasta won’t make you fat and smoking won’t keep you thin. Oh, dear!

Thought for the day

Is it just coincidence that coarse contains the word ‘arse’?

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

It’s what they do

No surprise that the foreign company to which our air-head Home Sec. gave the contract for blue passports has been accused of bidding below the cost price in the expectation of receiving an illegal state subsidy.

Weird logic

What do you give the anti-Semitism activist who has everything? If you’re Jeremy Corbyn, you crop some beetroot from your allotment and offer that.

Monday, 2 April 2018

Cheapskates

The BBC has the peculiar notion that two lousy episodes of a programme constitutes a series. A pair, a small blip maybe. But definitely nothing like a succession or a series. Except to someone with a New Labour spin-doctor mentality.

How to annoy a science fiction fan