Friday, 16 November 2018

Waste of time

According to the label, a jar of pesto contains 47% basil, 5.4% Grana Podano and 1.65 pine nuts to a total of 54%. Which leaves 46% unaccounted for as regards the relative amounts of sugar, salt, EV olive oil, sunflower oil, egg white, preservatives, etc.
    All of which makes rather a nonsense of rules requiring accurate listing of ingredients.

Out of service (permanently, feels like)

Is it just me or has MicroSoft gone mad with updates this month? I’ve not noticed anything much going on for ages, but suddenly, I can’t use my bloody computers because of all these messages about configuring Windows for updates.
    And when I try to switch off, there’s a blue screen telling me not to because of all the up-bloody–dating going on. Maybe we’re just not supposed to win.

Thursday, 15 November 2018

Be more practical

Why don’t the Premier League clubs just buy their outgoing boss a peerage? It will cost them a whole lot less than five million quid. Assuming the price hasn’t gone up too much since Tony Blair was prime minister.

One way to do it

The Christian lady in danger of being lynched by appalling Pakistani neighbours needs to hijack a plane, join a terrorist group or blow up a Tube train. That way, she will be assured of an offer of asylum from HMG.

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

More Zombie treatment

Yesterday, Cabinet ministers were wheeled into Downing Street one at a time and confronted with a 500-page document containing the prime minister’s suggested Brexit deal. They were told they had to read it on the spot and they couldn’t take a copy home.
    How much would they be able to gather to take to today’s full Cabinet meeting? Not enough to offer a sensible opinion, that’s for sure. Baffle them with bumf seems to be Mrs. May’s strategy.

Zombie Parliament preferred?

Moderate Tories – good. Brexiteers – bad. That’s the message today. Translation: the ‘moderates’, who will take whatever they’re given like good cannon fodder are preferable to people who have views and principles and can think for themselves enough to challenge the political Establishment. And exactly the same applies to Labour, as far as their ‘moderates’ are concerned.

Tuesday, 13 November 2018

A word in your lug, mate!

Note to the editor of the Daily Mail: the Tory MPs you accuse of sabotaging Mrs. May’s Brexit negotions are merely reminding our prime monster that they won’t vote for a sell-out and she should bear this in mind during her manoeuvrings.

Worthless assurance

Is anyone ever impressed to hear that something is ‘new to Alibi’ when we all know that the programme is old to all the other channels it’s been on?

Monday, 12 November 2018

Dodgy zebras out again

Personable foul; roughing the passer; when one of the Seasquawks tripped one of the Rams into a dive to the ground with the Squawks’ quarterback in the way? No foul. And that pissant penalty by an official who was too lazy to call a real foul on one of the Rams? No excuse for that. The miracle is that the Rams still won despite all the dodginess going on around them.

Sunday, 11 November 2018

Massed rallies of hypocrites

Contrast all the pomp and ceremony of the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, and the tributes to our veterans, with the persecution of those veterans still living by the Police Service of Northern Ireland, crooked solicitors and sections of the British government, and it’s easy to understand what the concept of DoubleThink is all about.

Sod security, there’s dosh at stake

You’d think an outfit with the juice of the Formula One franchise would be able to tell the Brazilians to build a circuit somewhere safe from scumbags with guns or no race there.
    The fact that nothing is ever done about this suggests that corruption runs very deeply within both parties.

Saturday, 10 November 2018

Gadgets for all

Little kids get training wheels to help them learn to ride a bike. Vegans get trainers to help them to become vegans? What a wonderful world we live in.

If there’s a market for it . . .

I noted when watching WW Smackdown, and going fast-forward through the fillers, that the Irish lass-kicker, had ‘I AM THE MAN’ on her shirt. Could it be that the WW is about to set up a trans championship for the ladies? Another obvious addition would be the lovely young Japanese girl who seems to be called Oscar.

Friday, 9 November 2018

Blue is good now?

We’re heard quite a lot about how the blue light from mobile phone screens and tablets is bad for people. Next thing you know, doctors are saying blue light treatment is as good as taking tablets for getting high blood pressure down. Not so much you can’t win as you’re not supposed to.

Idle speculation

Vice-Admiral Sir Tim Laurence, Rtd., it said in the paper. ‘Rtd.’? Rented? Oh! What’s the going rate for renting an admiral? I asked myself.

Thursday, 8 November 2018

A foodie fad too far?

Well, well! There are ‘white vegan trainers’ to be had. And, presumably, there are also black vegan trainers available on diversity grounds, and also appropriately coloured ones for Chinese vegans, Indians (Red and Asian), etc.

Clothears again

‘His Adolph life . . .’?? Was that someone on the lunchtime TV news accusing Prince Charles of being a little Hitler? Nope, it was ‘his adult life’ which didn’t come across clearly.

Wednesday, 7 November 2018

There’s a rule already

The commentators on the last regular season CFL match got quite agitated when Mr. Long, the punter for the BC Lions, faked being run into. They were calling for a new rule with a 15 yard penalty and maybe also a red card. But doing that is already covered by unsportsmanlike conduct.
    Well, it is in the NFL. Maybe the Canadians don’t have that rule because, being Canadians, they are never unsporting. Unless, like Mr. Long, they think they can get away with it.

More bias

The Electoral Commission, which is shedding officers because of an anti-Brexit bias, is going after the Brexit campaigners because they suspect Russian money was used in the propaganda campaign. No sign of anyone looking into the Bremoan campaign and the cash it got from George Soros, however. Could it be that some sorts of foreign cash are cleaner than others?

London’s dunce

Bad news: London’s bus driver’s son of a mayor reckons it will take a generation to end the plague of knife crime in his city.
Good news: Mr. Khan thinks a generation is only 10 years.

Tuesday, 6 November 2018

Remapping the capital

Crumbs! Half of the 150,000 Russians living in London are spies! If the government could gather the nerve to boot them out because of Putin the Poisoner’s criminal activities, that would do a fair bit for the housing shortage.

Monday, 5 November 2018

Dirty deeds, not only in New Orleans

Was that a first down the Rams got from their fake field goal play in their match with the Saints? Yup. Were they swindled by the officials on the field and the replay officials? Yup.
    Did Whitehead of the Green Bay Packers get the same treatment when he was evicted from the match against the New England Patriots for a nothing offence? Yup.
    Looks like all the idiots got to wear zebra suits on Sunday.

Take your pick

What would the miserable sods in the education Blob rather have – £400 million spent on schools here or the cash used to build a world’s biggest statue to rival the one built in India with British aid money? Say, of the Bash Street Kids’ poor old teacher.

Small measure of retribution

It would have taken a heart of stone not to have laughed as Valentino “the GOAT” Rossi fell off in the lead of the MotoGP race in Malaysia, alone and unaided. The Gods finally grotted on the man who got away with so much unpunished and maybe deprived him of his last ever chance to win a race? Could be.

Sunday, 4 November 2018

Mirror image

Mad Mandy in the Sunday Post takes anther pop at President Trump today; probably not realizing that her condemnations can be applied to all politicians with extremist tendencies – Corbyn, Sturgeon, and also to pontificators with an agenda to push, like her good self.

A somewhat pathetic concept

It’s Responsible Gambling Week, according to a TV ad, which I glimpsed with the sound muted. Which means what? We have a licence to gamble like idiots during the other 51 weeks of the year?

Clothears is back again

Hawkwind may be on the new £50 note! Sounds like a great idea. They were a really good band.
    Oh! Hawking.

Saturday, 3 November 2018

Wow! Really?

Anyone surprised that The News Quiz on Radio Four has been convicted of an anti-Tory bias? Nope? Thought not. The BBC is complaining that it can’t find right-wing comedians. But being unable to find left-whingers with a sense of humour would appear to be an even bigger problem.

Not exactly justice

“Law chiefs’ payout to DJ Gambaccini for sex slur” the headline read. Wrong. All the money comes from the taxpayer, not the law chiefs, and the disgraced director of public prostitutions is off to enjoy a fat pension and probably a few quangocracy posts.

Friday, 2 November 2018

End of the world as we know it!

An unknown sports minister resigns in a huff and that’s a crisis for the prime minister? Only in the minds of fantasists and newspaper editors who don’t live in the real world – or who are trying to convert the real world into their fantasy world.

Right men for the job

In the light of the currently fashionable move to support real policing, maybe we need to sack all the wimpy Boys In Blue and recruit some hard Men In Black, who’ll go after criminals and bin PC crap in favour of pragmatism.

Thursday, 1 November 2018

How to get noticed

Can the police sink any lower in the public’s estimation? It seems unlikely if the chairman of the National Police Chiefs’ Council can get lots of publicity by stating the bleedin’ obvious, namely that the police should use scarce resources to tackle real crimes rather than inventing imaginary ones, recording non-crimes and coming up with endless excuses for not doing the job they’re supposed to do.

Smear Tactic

Boris Johnson went to Saudia days before the regime had a dissident murdered in Turkey. Connection? None.
    Which means that anyone pretending there is a connection for dodgy political reasons is a scoundrel.

Wednesday, 31 October 2018

Changing fortunes

John Sheridan, sometime commander of Babylon 5 and President of the Interstellar Alliance, has lowered himself to become president of Supergirl’s United States! We should be in safe hands, but what about that cloud of green Kryptonite fog which zapped Supergirl? Maybe not.

Putting the record straight

Good news that Lewis Hamilton is the F1 champion again. Now, the time is ripe for justice to prevail and for M. Schumacher to be stripped of the title which he gained by deliberately ramming Damon Hill’s car and doing Hill out of his first title.
    Schumacher was stripped of his season’s points total when he tried the same tactic on Jolly Jacques Villeneuve, so the precedent is there. And if justice prevails, someone who didn’t cheat to win might make it to the magic number of seven world championships.

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Improper announcement

Is it a proper Budget if the Chancellor announces that he’s going to undo all the 'not living within our means any more' if he doesn’t like what happens over the Brexit deal with the EU? And can anyone take him seriously when the Prime Minister, his boss, says she’s not going to give up her end to the Gordon Brown austerity?

What’s wrong with Tuesdays?

I had a problem getting on the internet last Tuesday, then everything magically sorted itself out the next day. It’s Tuesday again – and I had more bother, which magically sorted itself out today. Maybe I should ask my broadband company for a 1/7th discount on what they charge me if I’m going to have aggro on Tuesdays.

Monday, 29 October 2018

Not very fair

I noticed that the bloke who did the rant at the awkward old lady on the Ryanair flight was still getting a lot of stick in the Sunday papers. But going from the newspaper account of their adventure right after it happened, she came across as obstructive, entitled and just as racialist as anyone else. But the rules are different for ethnic minorities, of course.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

Feline indifference

The animal show at Wembley didn’t impress the cat. She slept through all of the Eagles vs the Jaguars; apart from a couple of trips to her personal snack bar and having bit of a wash.

Big and Arrogant

“If you don’t like these principles, I have plenty more,” as Groucho Marx more or less said in one of his films. Substitute ‘silly story’ for ‘principles’ and that’s what we’re getting from Russia, Saudia and now China, where the persecution of millions of Moslems in Xinjiang province is being waved off as anti-terrorism re-education.

Saturday, 27 October 2018

Probably for the best

If China and the US go to war within the next 15 years over China’s thefts of intellectual property, as the former head of US forces in Europe fears, then we won’t have to worry about the latest scare from the Dept. Of Global Warming Fraud.
    If there is a superpower war, then those in the middle won’t care if all of our current coastal areas will be under water by 2080, as the DGWF predicts. Assuming there’s anyone left to care.

Friday, 26 October 2018

Gummed mildly

Is Lord Hain likely to take any notice of dispensed-with sometime attorney general Dom Grieve taking exception to his decision to naming business magnate Phil Green as a serial deployer of gagging orders? Given Hain’s history and Grieve’s insignificance, not really.

Thursday, 25 October 2018

Power gap

Oh, dear! An expert has done some sums and calculated that the government’s plan to make all vehicles electric in a decade or so has a major flaw. The country’s power generation capacity will have to be stepped up to 11 times the current level to allow over 30 million electric cars to be charged up overnight.

Circus Acts

Clown Jewels? That sounds a remarkably apt title for the next WW Big Event. All we have to do is decide where the bigger clowns are – in the ring or commentating.

Wednesday, 24 October 2018

Just tell them to get lost

The ‘Irish border issue’ is a load of bollocks concocted by an Irish government which is desperate to be noticed and the EU. We should just tell them that if they want a border with barriers, it’s up to them to pay for it, build it and maintain it because we’re not getting involved.

None of this death nonsense!

One of these ’ere surveys has found that youngsters barely out of their teens think that marriage should be like a mobile phone contract – something lasting for 24 months tops with an option to upgrade to a better partner when the deal runs out.

A biscuit short of a barrel

No internet yesterday, so unable to rant about this: but do the PC pillocks on Radio 4's The News Quiz ever listen to themselves? Last week, one of the worthies started talking about the disabled then changed tack to differently abled.
    But differently abled means that if someone can’t walk, they can fly? Doesn’t it?

Monday, 22 October 2018

Gottle of Geer

I get what b-stars-d and f-stars are euphemisms for. But g-stars? Clearly, I have led much too sheltered a life.

It’s all relative

I mentioned DollarShave back in February after seeing the TV ad, which features a bloke being clobbered below the belt for a reason I have never gathered; mainly because I have never seen the ad without the TV sound muted. That ad is still running and, on reflection, I suppose its outcome is a lesser evil than being killed by the Russians or the Saudis.

Technology gap

Another of life’s weirdities – why can Sky Sports never get the sound synchronized with the pictures when the guys in the studio are pontificating on NFL Sunday?

Sunday, 21 October 2018

Not that original, or necessary, after all

Portugal, which has lots of cork trees, isn’t happy about the trend to wine bottles with screw caps. Hence the wonderful invention of a cork with a screw thread, which gives an air-tight seal when replaced in the bottle. Clearly, no one there has noticed that the cork from a bottle of single-malt whisky does the same job very well.

Saturday, 20 October 2018

Another Canadian triumph!

The Canadian Football League’s fans at the Mansion are all agreed that they’d like to shake the hand of the scriptwriter for last night’s match between the Hamilton TigerCats and the Ottawa RedBlacks. It was great right to the last minute, and then that last minute was absolutely outstanding! Lessons for the No Fun League to learn?

Another PR triumph

The Saudi regime’s story that the self-exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi died in a fist fight at their consulate in Turkey has interesting implications. The sub-text is that he must have been a bit of a nutter if he’d taken on odds of 15 to one. If you’re a bad guy, try to make out that your victim is even worse?

Friday, 19 October 2018

Just a thought

Any chance of getting Putin the Poisoner or the Saudis to deal with our troublesome hate preacher and save the nation a fortune?

Scammer window of opportunity

Good news: banks are going to check the name of the payee of an online transaction as well as the account number and sort code.
Bad news: they’re not going to do before July 2019.

Thursday, 18 October 2018

Diversity Rulz, OK!

One thing you can’t accuse the Daily Mail of is toadying to the Tories. 50% of the columnists think the PM is a hero and the rest think, and are allowed to say, that she’s total crapola.

The Patel Explanation

That was a brilliant defence offered by a guy who was caught with 19 stolen cars in his basement garage; he’s an honest businessman who was unlucky enough to have been done over by nineteen different crooks.

Apt comparison

I note with amusement that the disgraced Commons Speaker is being called a very good Squeaker in the same sense that the much MeeToo’d Harvey Weensteen is described as a very good film producer.

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Answer to a Correspondent

“What happened to the state coach for the Squeaker of the House of Commons?” someone asked in yesterday’s Daily Mail. It’s parked up permanently as Berko’s head got too big to go through the door, mate.

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

No, thanks

5p on a bottle of wine to pay for alcoholics? Why not make them pay for their own treatment for a self-inflicted condition? That’s make as in a legal obligation as an alternative to making the rest of us subsidize them.

Not me, Gov!

Where would we be without rogue agents? That’s the kite the Saudi regime is flying for the disappearance of their estranged citizen Jamal Khashoggi, who went to the Saudi consulate in Instanbul on the same day as 15 rogue Saudi agents (October 2nd) and hasn’t been seen since.

Monday, 15 October 2018

Not though through

This idea of getting postmen to chat up elderly customers to find out if they’re lonely, and refer them to local dancing, art or cookery classes if they are, sounds doomed to failure. In my experience, modern postmen just want to zoom round their walk in the least possible time to get the job done. Whilst the idea might appeal to some of them, I doubt the majority want to become amateur social workers.

Opportunities for advancement

If the Church of England has Very Reverend persons, wouldn’t it be great if the organization expanded the range of titles in the name of diversity? People could really relate to a Slightly Reverend or a Tolerably Rev. or even a Not Particularly (but tries hard) Rev.

Sunday, 14 October 2018

Grave future world

Listening to part of Any Questions? Is 70 on Radio 4 yesterday, I was able to suss out the snowflake/millennial agenda. Their plan is to wait for anyone who knows anything about what happened in the 20th century to die off and then make their mess of things confident that there will be no one competent to challenge them, bearing in mind that all dissent will be trolled out of existence anyway.
    What sort of world will it be when it’s run by aged millennials who think that their parents’ and grandparents’ generations ruined everything so that they never had a chance? One shudders to think.

Window of opportunity!

This is a live-mike game (the Canadian Football League warns us) which is expected to offer plenty of opportunities for weirdos to be offended. Trade Descriptions Act, dude! The filters are so good that what is said tends to be very wholesome when it’s not downright incomprehensible.

Education needed

The most lost of lost causes has to be the global warming bunch telling everyone they can eat meat only once a week. That’s even more lost than the cause of educating people in their entitlements. Such as they are entitled to live within their means, they’re not entitled to breed children they can’t support and they are definitely not entitled to more than basic food and shelter at the expense of everyone else.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

Incitement to illegality

Where the bloody hell is Tokelau and why is someone called Sybil Manqum, who has a cannabis shop, sending me emails claiming she can send me weed to smoke today which is legal in the UK? Sounds like either some sort of a scam or an invitation to get my collar felt by HM Customs.

Friday, 12 October 2018

A really useful gadget

It has been pointed out to me by the Mansion’s catering manager, who has taken charge of it, that the flexible ice cube tray can be used in precision cooking. Its 12 compartments hold either the juice of 2 average-size lemons or 4 limes. I bet whoever marketed the thing never thought of that as a bit of promotional puff.

Thursday, 11 October 2018

Expanding the language

How about threechĂ© as a description for something that’s a better gotcha than twochĂ©?

Don’t get involved

How does one avoid getting fake texts from scammers pretending to be one’s bank? I’ve found not giving my bank a mobile phone number works quite well.

Gadget reincarnated from gadget heaven

Gadgets are usually tried out and consigned to a box or a cupboard when the fail to be brilliant. But looking through such a cupboard, I actually found a useful gadget. FOI! It’s a flexible ice cube tray. No, not something for making flexible ice cubes.
    When full of solid cubes of ice, lemon or lime juice, etc., the tray can be hovered over a suitable plate as a catcher and twisted to release the cubes cleanly and easily. Brilliant!

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

The great debate

Which is worse, BS of VS? Both bullshit and virtue signalling are the work of annoying creeps, who have too much time on their hands. Whatever happened to decent hobbies?

The enduring A-Team mystery

5Spike is showing episodes of the classic MacGuyver rival in which the guys are captured repeatedly. B.A. is strolling around wearing a king’s ranson in gold around his neck but not once do alleged BGs ever grab it off him when they have the chance. Are we really supposed to swallow that?

Tuesday, 9 October 2018

Un-pret for purpose

Britain’s endemic mistrust of foreigners is fanned by the fate of the sandwich chain with the foreign name, which is involved in two allergy response deaths. And even if they haven’t actually broken any rules, people can still feel entitled to their “told you so’s”.

A small mystery

Is Prince No. 2 taking the Mick? Or could it be that bearded Prince Harry has nothing at all to do with harrys.com, which does TV adverts for shaving materials?

Could do better

BT Sport TV seems to be in full SNAFU mode at the moment. It upset the motorbike fans on Sunday by making a bog up of MotoGP and it upset Canadian football fans on Monday by making a bog of covering last weekend’s early matches.

Monday, 8 October 2018

Just ignore the strikers, please!

London’s cosmetic mayor guaranteed that there would be no strikes on public transport during his turn in the job. The token immigrant bus driver’s son is now hoping that everyone will be too polite to mention that last Friday, the trains were on strike for the 15th time since he took office.

Yes, that could be it

Judy Murray, writing in the Sunday Post, came up with an interesting slant on the Manchester University students’ ban on clapping. Snowflakes can’t do it with a mobile phone in their fist, so what they’re really doing with their Al Jolson hands is waving their phones in the air. And letting muggers spot the best targets.

Sunday, 7 October 2018

Not interested, mate!

Project Fear, it seems, is having a profound effect on the British public. Being exposed to the ludicrous lies spread by the Bremoaner Establishment has turned people off politics to the extent that their default setting is now: “I don’t believe you.” when a politician starts spouting.

Saturday, 6 October 2018

The weird things you learn from reading

I am currently devouring Hoax by Edward Steers, a molecular biologist turned historian. In the chapter about Pearl Harbor, I learnt that the admiral in charge of the fleet there at the time of the Jap attack in 1941 was called Husband E. Kimmel.
    What sort of parents call their son Husband!!!

Technology gap

The Health Secretary wants GPs to send patients annoying text messages to nag them into changing an unhealthy lifestyle. What he plans to do about ancient Luddites who don’t have a mobile phone remains to be revealed.

Calm down, dears!

Expanding Heathrow airport by giving it another runway will lead to the total destruction of the entire planet, the protesters plan to tell a High Court hearing. They’ll have to be sure that the dottiest of dotty old judges is on the duty roster for their day in court if they expect to get away with that one!

Friday, 5 October 2018

Never going to happen

Apparently, snowflake millennials are coming to hate the grandparent generation because a lot of them are choosing to spend their savings and not leave it to trickle down to future generations. Wrong target, though. The cash no longer trickles because any the government doesn’t steal ends up going to care homes rather than the millennials.

Something he doesn’t do

Someone should tell the editor of the Daily Mail that the words ‘Putin’ and ‘shame’ don’t belong in the same sentence. As long as he has J. Corbyn on his side, not to mention all the Corbynites at the BBC and the likes of the North Korean newsreader Fuk Jon Sno, the Russian gangster boss is fireproof.

Thursday, 4 October 2018

The magic of memory

“This memory was epinephrine encoded.” Sounds very scientific and meaningful but what it boils down to is just: “This is what I want to believe is true.”

Infiltration?

Do we have Russians running the Metropolitan police? The response from its bosses to the murder of PC Keith Palmer by a terrorist nutter at the Houses of Parliament has a lot in common with the not-me-gov response of President Putin to the GRU’s attack on Sergei and Yulia Skripal.

Wednesday, 3 October 2018

Truth bites

Yes, it’s true, men did invent physics. Mainly because society was structured such that women had lots of other things to do with their time. The boo-hoo buggers at CERN and other research centres might not like it, but that’s the way it happened.

All gone!

There is no more piss to take after Boris Johnson told his gathering on the Tory conference fringe that he can do humility. Still, he raised a huge laugh. And people were ready to queue up to watch him do his act, which is more than the Bremoaners on the main drag can claim.

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

More clothears

It sounded like a guy on the TV said ‘piece of crap’. Twice. Turned out he was doing a promo for a BBC podcast by the former(?) footballer Peter Crouch – I got that from reading what was on the screen. Where do they get these people?

Don’t believe everything a fanatic tells you

Nothing is impossible with God, eh? Has Luke 1:37 ever tried unsugaring a cup of tea?

Learning Process

Who sez TV ain’t educational? I never knew there were so many Canadians in the FBI until I watched some episodes of Sue Thomas F.B.I. Eye.

Monday, 1 October 2018

A lifetime of servitude

We were wondering how many years that USAF pilot would have to work without wages to settle his dept to society after gaining the dubious honour of being the first to crash an F-35 fighter. But no one had any idea how much he’s paid, which made calculating how long it would take to pay off $100 million a bit of a problem.

Getting away with it

Three penalties committed by the Patriots on one play during the 2nd quarter of their match with the Dolphins. Only 10 yards lost when it would have been 30 in Canada. Maybe a change of the rules south of the border is called for to punish a group bad attitude?

Sunday, 30 September 2018

Daft but enjoyable

E4 was supposed to be showing A Good Day to Die Hard last night but we got Die Hard 4.0 instead. Not that there’s likely to be much difference between them. I’d more or less completely forgotten what happens in 4.0 so I was able to enjoy all the daft stunts without knowing what was coming; like Det. McClane shooting a gunman out of a helicopter by smashing the top off a fire hydrant and later turning a car into a surface-to-air missile to shoot the chopper down.
    Totally mad, totally fun.

Saturday, 29 September 2018

Let’s not bother about facts

No question, the death of that severely allergic girl on a plane was a tragedy. But cardiac arrest means that the heart has stopped. Which means that a defibrillator, which is used to restore a regular rhythm to chaotic heartbeats, is of no use if the heart is not beating.

Selective fairness

The Boy Beckham has got away with one. But if it was because of the negligence of the government department which failed to get his speeding fine notification to him on time, it’s whoever screwed up who should be getting the stick. But hey, responsibility doesn’t apply to the public sector.

More antisocial meeja hacking

Anyone daft enough to have put bank account and other financial details on FaceBook may have been hacked by (Russian?) bad guys. But the good news is that they have a grace period while the bad guys’ megacomputer trawls through the messages of 50-90 million FB customers in search of anything exploitable.

Friday, 28 September 2018

Brilliant Job

Someone at moonpig.com, the online personalized gifts firm, has been tasked with going through all of the orders to weed out those featuring pictures of the customer’s naughty bits. It seems there is a rise in this sort of request for cards at St. Valentine’s day, and women are as bad for doing it as men. Mr. Moonpig is reported to be resisting calls for him to introduce pop-up cards.

Thursday, 27 September 2018

Take another week off!

Are we bothered that the Daily Mail’s proof-reader seems to be on holiday? Not if we can be treated to gems like the one in the latest Corbyn conference report. J.C. is reported to have ‘confplained’ about something, which clearly started out as ‘confirmed’ and nearly got to ‘complained’. But the new word deserves to survive to be used to describe any sort of whinge at a political party’s conference.

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

Buy me and try one

‘Greed is good’ will be out under a Corbyn government. ‘Theft by the state is good’ will be substituted – with the usual looney left suspects as the beneficiaries.

You’re never too iconic to be trolled

I was glad to learn that it’s only women over 19 who can’t use a backpack without getting their collar felt by the self-appointed Fashion Police. Mind you, someone wandering around sporting one which cost 400 quid deserves some stick.
    None of that for me – I got my backpack as a free gift with an order from my stationery supplier in an earlier phase of my life.

Tuesday, 25 September 2018

Collapsible Ben

The new NFL ‘roughing the passer’ definition is causing a lot of grief for defensive players but there is a case for trying to prevent star players, like Rodgers of the Packers, being put on the sideline with a broken collar bone. There is also a case for preventing players from dishing out wrestling clotheslines and blows to the quarterback’s head.
    But there should be a similar obligation on officials to be able to recognize bad acting, like Ben Roethlisberger’s dramatic, flag-drawing collapse in the Steelers’ MNF match with the Bucs. And I write this as an admirer of the Steelers, who cheers them on when they’re not playing my team.

Communication breakdown

I went to a clothing company’s website the other day but my size of the items I looked at was out of stock. Their response was an email: they’d noticed my visit and they invited me to check their website again or ring their customer services on a premium-rate phone number.
    I sent them a reply telling them my size is out of stock and that’s why I didn’t buy anything. Their response was another email offering me 10% off if I bought within 48 hours.
    I went back to the website, my size is still out of stock. So what good is 10% off something which they can’t supply?
    Some firms just don’t get it.

Monday, 24 September 2018

Notice me, PLEASE!!

Lord Forkbender, sometime Tony Blair flatmate and crony and the bloke who made a bog of the Millennium Dome, would like all drug use to be legalized so that Labour drug users and pushers are no longer tarred with the brush of criminality. Sounds like that pruning of the House of Frauds is even more overdue.

Keep it up

We seem to be doing very well for NFL matches on TV at the moment. The Saints in Atlanta was a cracker. So was the Chargers vs the Rams. And the Detroit Lions sticking it to the Patriots!

Sunday, 23 September 2018

Clotheyes again

A quick glimpse of the screen left me thinking that the lead character in the current version of S.W.A.T. is played by a guy called Sheman, which explained why he/she thinks a tofu stir-fry is the catering bee’s knees. But, in fact, the currently blackened and demoted Steve Forrest character is played by a guy called Shemar, which totally ruins the idea.

New words for the modern world

1. Streamhorning - streamlining a shoehorning, tight-squeeze job
2. Grossdresser – a bloke in a pale pink frock with vivid green stripes
3. Hookertitute – a person who shags a big wheel in the industry to get a meeja job of some sort

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Heading for a fall

The EU won’t buy her Chequers Plan for Brexit. Neither will the DUP, enough of her own party to sink it and all of this country’s parties who aren’t the Tories. So what does the prime minister do? Go all defiant and say everyone else is wrong and it’s “my way or the highway”. Strong and stable, stubborn or just plain pig-headed?

Friday, 21 September 2018

New attention-grabbers’ venue

You’re a previously successful fraudster who wants a bit of attention. Your visa is about to run out and you need some sympathy. What do you do? Head to Salisbury, pretend to be poisoned and claim that the Putinocracy is out to get you.

Pointless packaging puffs

“Real Lancashire Eccles Cakes containing pure butter” it sez on the wrapper. But is anyone likely to buy a product containing impure butter?

Thursday, 20 September 2018

Infamy, they’ve all got it in for me

With biogs of Denis Norden in today’s papers, a small salute to the creator of the above phrase with the ludicrous story that a Corbyn aide with dodgy credentials has been refused a House of Commons security clearance for obvious reasons. This, he is claiming, is evidence that MI5 is plotting to prevent a Corbyn-led government. Nothing wrong with that guy’s imagination and a fine example of a me-centred universe.

The Germans have a word for it . . .

. . . or we could provide one. The appetite of foreigners for our language has created Franglais in France and Denglisch in Germany. Going the other way, one of the staff came up with Mischungskrachtel to describe a work of fantasy fiction in which the characters have the names of real people who are celebs or currently in the news. Like that book about the porn actress and the president called Trump.

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

It’s the way he tells them

You go to all the trouble of releasing your punch line to get max. coverage in the meeja. Then you make a bog of the performance. That’s why on-line dictionaries are now adding a note to their definition of hubris: “See Vince Cable, Brighton, 2018”.

More Sound & Fake Fury

Go sober for October? Well, it has a rhyme to it. But what if you never drink enough to get yourself pissed? In October or any other month, like most people? The slogan becomes just typical N.U.L. BS.

Nothing happening

Silence is a much undervalued commodity. And much to be enjoyed in small doses, especially when it’s quiet enough to hear the clock ticking and the cat snoring.

Definitions for Today

An ‘expert’ is someone who will excomplicate when you need him to explain.

Too rude?

The Daily Mail has a feature page, to which readers send jokes and Wordy Wise suggestions; slightly modified words with a new meaning, e.g, alcoprop = Dutch courage. One of the staff came up with ‘whores de combat’ meaning ‘tarts with attitude’ after a trip to France. But she didn’t send it in as the Mail is a family newspaper.

Monday, 17 September 2018

The name says it all

You come across some weird names in American football. North of the border, in Edmonton, there’s a star player who rejoices in the first name of D’Haquille but everyone calls him ‘Dook’. Whether or not that sounds anything like what his weird parents intended when they entered him for a ‘Give the Kid a Weird Name’ contest is a matter of conjecture.
    South of the border, in Kansas City, one of the coaches has an even better name. When the match commentators give the offensive co-ordinator for the K.C. Chiefs a name check, it sounds like Eric The Enemy. Which is a moniker which combines a job description with menace effortlessly.

Sunday, 16 September 2018

Wheels to come off

The government is threatening Amazon with a Cardboard Tax because of its habit of sending small items out in a HUGE box with a mass of paper padding inside. The stated aim is to raise cash for local councils which are struggling with their pretence of doing recycling.
    How sad everyone will be when the tax gets though Parliament and Amazon redoes its packaging policy and no cash is raised. But the taxpayer ends up having to pay for more civil servants to administer the cash collection process which doesn’t collect any cash.

Saturday, 15 September 2018

Half-assed, more like

Half-Earth: Our Planet’s Fight for Life was a title spotted in the latest catalogue from bibliophilebooks.com. £18.99 reduced to 7 quid.
    Here’s another worthy under the illusion that the human race needs to change its ways to preserve the current range of diversity of the planet’s residents. Surprise! The planet isn’t some sort of conscious entity!
    There’s nothing which can care whether the Earth is a frozen ball of ice or a greenhouse hot-house. But try telling that to the zealots.

The Road to Feck & Burn

According to one of his mates, the Corbyn recipe for Britain is to encourage the feckless to steal from the feckful to fund a luxury communist revolution. Quite what will happen when they’ve blown all the cash and no one will lend them any more has yet to be disclosed.

Retired and gone to seed

Was that really ‘bow down to the king’ Triple Haitch on WW the other day? That bald old bloke with a beard? Crumbs! How are the mighty gone to waste. (waist?)

Friday, 14 September 2018

It’s all about the money

Oh, dear. The Archbish of Cantab takes a pop at Amazon and the other multinationals like Google, calling them tax dodgers and avoiders of social responsibility, only to find that his employer has huge investments in them and that’s something he should know about because he’s on the investment committee.
    Then there’s the conspiracy theory about the ERG in Parliament having a secret slush fund. Maybe the Russians came up with that one.

Back in the box now, Diane

What does Diane Abbott do when no one has noticed her for ages? Go Silly Season Plus and pretend that British immigration policy is just like Idi Amin’s expulsion of Asians from Uganda in the 1970s.

Thursday, 13 September 2018

They’re at it again

Was it okay for Boris Johnson to use his prime ministerial suicide vest metaphor? Yes, if it made a lot of outrage junkies make even bigger fools of themselves.

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

Blame it on the Yanks, yeah!

That’s an interesting theory: Britain shares its language with the US and it has caught the American obesity plague. But European countries where English isn’t spoken are less susceptible to American advertising and have less obesity.

Unwanted bargain

“Save 60% on a stainless steel soup maker”
    Okay, but just how tasty is stainless steel soup?

First rule of painting

As soon as you apply white paint to an exterior surface, some stoopid little black insect will land on it and get stuck.

Tuesday, 11 September 2018

News at a distance

From across the room, the headline looked like “Soup and snake diet on the NHS to reverse diabetes”. On closer inspection, it was ‘shake’ not ‘snake’, which is much less fascinating.

Border divide

Watching the Packers squeak a home win over the Bears in the first week of a new NFL season, I was assured by CFL fans, was like watching the Eskimos hosting the all-conquering Stampeders, but in reverse.
    The Pack overcame a 20-0 deficit to win 23-24. The Esks went 28-48 up and managed not to throw the victory away and eventually won 42-48.

That’s amazing!

I’ve always thought ‘wiseacre’ was an archetypal American-English word. But according to yesterday’s Daily Mail, it dates back to 1595 and well before English arrived in what is now the US. You live and learn.

Monday, 10 September 2018

First rule of DIY

No job involving the use of sharp tools may be completed without a blood sacrifice.

Absent Icon

It was strange to be watching Sky’s NFL show with no Kevin; mainly because he’s no longer with us at a rather young age. That Grim Reaper – she don’t care who gets took. Not too impressed by the magic bean-counters but if they can persuade people to pay them good money, good luck to them.
    Ah, the luxury of 4-down American Crunch.

Sunday, 9 September 2018

Dickheads at BT Sport

It’s 12 minutes past midnight and the CFL fans are on the edges of their seats because the injury-hit Banjo Bowl match in Winnipeg is inside the 3 minute warning, and the Roughriders are leading the home-team Blue Bombers by 29-27.
    Then what happens? The dickheads at BT Sport start showing the next match instead of staying with this one to the finish. Having let the programme before the CFL match over-run into the CFL time slot.
    No excuse. The fans extremely very disgruntled today.

Saturday, 8 September 2018

One wrecker assesses another

Tony Blair, who hijacked Old Labour with his New Labour project (and ran the country into the ground) is worried that Jeremy Corbyn’s hijacking of the Labour party will do the same. Which rather ignores the lesson of history, namely that Labour always wrecks things then scuttles off into the bushes until the Tories have done some repairs.

More crunch in America

Oh, dear! The NFL season is upon us as well as what’s happening in Canada, which doubles the amount of gridiron football the addicts have to watch. Time to get a refresher on the jargon; first and lunch, second and tea, third and supper, fourth and pontoon. Or something like that.

Friday, 7 September 2018

Get out of that!

That was a great put-down the Russians got from our man at the UN when they moaned about not being let in to the Novichok poisoning investigation. “You don’t recruit an arsonist to put out a fire, especially if it’s one he started.”

Long overdue payback

5Spike keeps doing promos for a new series about a gang of Vikings during reruns of the A-Team. Can’t see the attraction, myself. They were just Scandinavian scumbag thieves and murderers, and the first thing we need to do when there’s a working time machine is go back and drop a few nukes on them.

Thursday, 6 September 2018

Veracity quibble

“Home cooked food served daily” says the sign in front of a pub which I pass frequently. But is it really cooked in someone’s home rather than in a kitchen attached to the pub?
    “Here cooked food” is what the sign should say.

Sick TV

Spotted in last night’s TV menu for Sky Arts: “The Last Laugh. The dilemma of using the Holcaust as a topic for humour.” Which raises the obvious question: “Why would you want to?”
    Unless you’re a Corbynite and you feel it’s compulsory, of course.

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

Getting away with it

The two GRU agents who carried out the Novichok attack in Salisbury in March have been named and pictured. But as Russia won’t extradite its criminals, they’re probably working on their memoirs, looking for a movie deal and expecting an easy life on the Putin’s gravy train as MPs in the near future.

Sub-prime

Is anyone impressed by a firm that calls itself 1st Class Something? Well, they would, wouldn’t they! Or does it acknowledge that there might be market opportunities for a 2nd class service? Such as: 2nd Class Valets – we don’t make much of an effort but it will look okay and we’re cheap.
   Could work with the right marketing strategy.

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Now, we know

A member of the party’s national executive committee has the explanation for the anti-Semitism row, which is embarrassing Labour a little bit. It has all been made up by Trump fanatics in the Jewish community!

Graceful exit

Would it not be a good idea for 70+ actresses who complain that they can’t get a decent job any more, e.g. Maureen Lipman, to opt for a dignified retirement plus occasional TV appearances to remind everyone of their glory days?

Monday, 3 September 2018

Post Brexit fishing quotas

Another of my associates cracked this during a very productive dinner party: The government should offer one-year licences to fish in British water, with a renewal option, to British firms which use British boats and British crews and pay British taxes in full.
    The licences should be on a ‘use it or lose it’ basis, which would prevent companies which don’t actually catch fish from selling quotas to foreigners. Any unused quotas would be factored in to the conservation calculations used to set the following year’s quotas.

Deft definition

Here’s a good one for an offence junkie, courtesy of one of my associates: Someone who parades around with her tits wobbling like twin jellies to attract attention, and then throws a major wobbly if anyone looks at them.

Sunday, 2 September 2018

Wrong colour, mate

SNP vice-boss K. Brown would be well advised to change his name if he thinks he can build an economic case for an independent Scotland. No one is going to take a Scots politician called Brown seriously on financial matters after the shambles created by his namesake, New Labour’s Gordon F. Brown, when he was Chancellor and PM.

100% wrong

“This program may contain coarse language that could offend some viewers. Discretion is advised.”
    This miserable disclaimer before CFL live-mike matches completely misses the point. Valour should be advised, not cowardly discretion.

Saturday, 1 September 2018

Tell ’em anything. They might just believe it.

You’re a bloke dressed in female clothing and you’re tooling around on a skateboard wearing a blue wig. Suddenly, you attack a female jogger. What do you tell the court?
    “I thought I was attacking David Cameron.”
    Yes, that would work!

No way period

London should have had the Crossrail scheme last year. The city’s long suffering commuters will be lucky to get it before next year’s Xmas. And yet the government is still hell-bent on going ahead with H2S and claiming it can be done on time and on budget. La-La Land.

No way forward

In the 1990s, councils were closing schools because there weren’t enough children to justify keeping them open. In the 2000s, Labour opened the flood gates to migrants and now, there aren’t enough schools.
    More proof that when here today, gone tomorrow politicians do something, they always make things worse for everyone else.

Friday, 31 August 2018

Take heart!

Iceland’s victory in the two decades of cod wars with Britain is being offered as a source of encouragement to our battered fishermen. Iceland’s fishers have prospered since then, and ours can do the same post-Brexit and following freedom from the EU’s grabbage. That’s the theory of it, anyway.

He said, he said

Frank Field, one of the few bastions of decency in the Labour party, has baled out. He was a total rotter and he quit before we could give him the push, sez the mouthpiece for his constituency party. There’s never a shortage of slime and someone to sling it in politics. Which makes the news that on-line abuse of politicians is on the increase no surprise. There’s nowt like anonymity for putting lead into the pencil of those with an imaginary grievance.

Thursday, 30 August 2018

Brownian finance

Wonga goes wonky? It seems incredible that a company with a million customers paying interest on loans at up to 6,000% APR could go belly up. But it’s amazing what you can accomplish if you try hard enough.

More fake news

Shop prices are rising for the first time in 5 years? Really? My housekeeper tells me this is total bollocks. She can produce receipts showing that they’ve been creeping up and up relentlessly for ages. Five pee here, fifteen pee there. There has definitely not been a 5-year pause.

Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Their stupidity, our money

When is racial and sexual discrimination okay? When the government want to recruit female Asian and black firepersons in the name of diversity and at the expense of available and competent white males.

Social nicety

If you see someone wearing a ‘pronoun’ badge, turn round and walk away. Not getting involved with that sort of person always makes sense.

Tuesday, 28 August 2018

“That guy taco on one, right?”

What percentage, I wonder, of the TV audience can get anything out of a live-mike CFL match? Are there enough zeros to go between the decimal point and the number ‘1’? Probably not.

Not terrifically funny, but true

When is a hate crime not a hate crime as far as the police are concerned?
    When it’s anti-Semitism perpetrated by a card-carrying member of the Labour party.

Monday, 27 August 2018

Sporting barrel-scraping

Little League World Series baseball on BT Sport? Who’s going to watch that apart from the parents of the kids involved and paedophiles?

No worries, mate

Deposed SNP leader Alex Salmond has found himself on the wrong end of some MeeTooery. But he’ll be okay. Police Scotland are investigating and they are known to be not much cop.

Pointless record broken

A fine example of having more money than sense – paying $340,000 for a bottle of Japanese whiskey. But, not doubt, the auction house in Hong Kong appreciated its commissions.
    The big problem for the buyer is what to do next. Put the bottle on the mantlepiece to show it off or booze it with some mates to show off an easy come, easy go attitude.

Racing dead loss

No racing at Silverstone; the riders thought it was too dangerous. And the Belgian GP wasn’t up to much after the mayhem on the first lap. But it does help to have some Sunday papers to read when there’s nothing much happening on TV.

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Even more thinking time

Oh, the suspense! Will there be any MotoGP today with big puddles on the track at Silverstone and conditions unsafe right now? All we at home can do is sit in front of the TV with a cup of tea and wish the rain away.

Thinking time

No internet for a couple of days doesn’t stop you thinking. Mr. Virgin’s engineer gave me a new hub whilst discovering that there was a problem with the external infrastructure, which would be fixed last night as it was a priority one matter. As a result, we now need to do some resetting of all laptops which connect to the hub wirelessly.
    Which is where the thinking comes in.
    Hi-Fi is a well known abbreviation for High Fidelity. But Wi-Fi? Shouldn’t it be Wi-Ne if it refers to wireless networking? But whoever decided to trademark Wi-Fi instead might have thought that Wi-Ne sounds too close to something to do with whining, and opted for a less loaded sound.

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one”

No VM internet on Friday or yesterday, but I can still comment about yet another Grenfell Tower fraudster being hauled before the courts, as reported in Saturday’s paper. Whenever that happens, the name is always foreign, which suggests that we need to be a lot more selective of the quality of immigrants. And to be more rigorous about chucking out the disreputable ones who are already here.

Thursday, 23 August 2018

Nature finds a way

Good news for the Millennial Snowflakes – they’re not going to have to save up for their old age because they won’t have one. Apparently, their unhealthy lifestyle means that their ranks will be thinned to manageable proportions by diabetes, heart attacks and strokes at middle age.

Wednesday, 22 August 2018

Had to happen!

One of the MeeTooers who slagged off Harve WeenSteen has had to pay hundreds of thousands of bucks to a young male actor for MeeTooing offences. Pots & kettles, come away!
    Rejoice! The Universe does have a sense of humour after all.

Diversity is . . . Insanity

It had to come to this eventually – the pillock in charge of the magistrates’ union demanding more criminals in the ranks of the judiciary in the name of diversity. Where’s the colonel from Monty Python when you need him?

Tuesday, 21 August 2018

Not so wonderful

Speedster Usain Bolt is going to make a new career with an Aussie football team? Good luck to him and yah, boo to the boo-hoo-buggers who claim it’s just a publicity stunt. Of course, a bit of the steam went out of the ‘pleased for him’ when I learnt that it’s to play football football, not Aussie Rules.

Monday, 20 August 2018

Surprising fact

I never knew that the Labour party runs courses in anti-Semitism. But that does explain why so many of them are so good at it.

Small clarification

In actual fact, Jammy Oliver’s Jerk Rice is nothing to do with Jamaica. The ‘jerk’ refers to the likes of sari-wearing MPs of Jamaican descent who are stoopid enough to go on about cultural misappropriation.

A self-perpetuating cycle

“Poverty is man-made and it can be unmade” is the virtuous quotation. Unfortunately, as soon as some of it is unmade, along come more unfortunate, or just downright feckless, people to make more of it. It’s the closest humanity has come to perpetual motion. But it does provide lots of job security for the virtue professionals.

Sunday, 19 August 2018

Not exactly a big deal

Scotland’s Fave Newspaper had a major Scottish criminal to put on the front page today. James Ward has been put of the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Now 65, Ward has been on the run for 6 years after his scam involving investment in non-existent precious metals went belly-up.
    If they ever catch him, the Feds hope to recover millions from him to pay court costs. But as his scam involved just $350,000, it sounds like only lawyers, court officials and Feds will make any money out of it. And it doesn’t say much for the FBI’s standards if someone who didn’t stroll off with MILLIONS can end up on the Most Wanted list!

Laziness or back-scratching?

What is the point of telling us the total number of years in gaol a gang of criminals collected? Especially if they all didn’t receive the same sentence. It’s just idle and pointless journalism. Of which there is a lot about.
    The same could be said about a judge pontificating that the criminals’ scheme was sophisticated and well thought out when there wouldn’t have been much point in trying it otherwise. Unless it’s the judiciary trying to puff up the police by creating the impression that they were way smarter than the crooks.

Saturday, 18 August 2018

Fun to come

We can look forward to a spot of vigorous entertainment when the Silly Season ends and the political loafers come back from their extended, taxpayer-funded hols. Nigel Farage, the spiritual leader of UKIP, is going on a national tour to expose the lies and evasions offered by the PM and her Bremoaner pals as they plot to sabotage Brexit and frustrate the wishes of 174 million voters.

We’re supposed to be surprised?

Online betting firms make their money from people who are hooked on gambling and they aim their pitches and free gifts at this type of person. Captain Obvious is in the room again.

Friday, 17 August 2018

More stupidity

Jeremy Hunt used to have a fairly good reputation when he was the boss of the NHS. His move to the Foreign Office to replace Boris Johnson seems to have unhinged him, however, if he really believes that a no-deal Brexit will be something the country will regret for generations!
    But maybe he’s forgotten that Snoflakes have an attention span of 7.3 seconds.

Silly Season Staple

One gets the impression that the news media would be really stuck for something to put between the adverts were it not for the drunken brawls of sportsmen and the opportunities they generate for lengthy moralizing and faked indignation.

Thursday, 16 August 2018

Serious offence

Corbyn is in real trouble now! A man of the people staying at a Five-Star hotel during his jolly in Tunisia in 2014? The bastard! The class traitor!

Oh, the agony!

On thing this country never seems to run short of is drama queens, who claim they’re going to be forced to leave the country if something terrible happens. Like Brexit being followed by the collapse of British society as we know it (won’t happen) or anti-Semitism becoming compulsory if Jeremy Corbyn becomes the prime minister of a fascist-left government (won’t happen).

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Soviet Warming

The latest conspiracy theory is that the Russians are responsible for all the melting of Arctic ice and the stranded polar bears (aaah!). Apparently, the Putin People want to build military bases in the thawed areas as a basis for claiming new territory and the exploitable natural resources that go with it.
   Sounds very credible!

Tuesday, 14 August 2018

A spot of seasonal weather

The Corbyn witch hunt has been aggrandized to a storm in a bathtub, but he still has nothing much to worry about. Especially if his chief witch-hunters are the PM of Israel and the chairman of the Conservative party, neither of whom is exactly unappalling.
    And the BBC is still on his side when it takes a break from prosecuting its witch hunt against Boris Johnson.

The worst of all possible worlds

Whoever came up with that ‘Diversity is Strength’ slogan for garments worn by CFL players, coaches and staff was obviously in it for the money rather than the sense.
    Diversity is everyone walking up to the line of scrimmage and doing their own thing rather than what a coach told them.
    Diversity is 8-stone men, and women, playing linepersons and some kid who wants to be a star pretending to be a quarterback.
    Diversity is a shambles rather than the best of the best competing, and not something many people would pay good money to watch.

Monday, 13 August 2018

A new law for human society . . .

“For every witch hunt, there is an equal and opposite witch hunt”
    The one against Boris Johnson for failing to appreciate the bhurka is balanced by the one against Jezzer Corbyn for appreciating Palestinian bad guys too much.

Not enough space to fill!

I’ve just been reading about someone with a weight problem, who casually announced that he’s lost 9 stones – and he’s still got a bit to go before he’s at his ‘ideal’ weight. After a quick calculation, I found that if I lost 9 stones, there would be just a skeleton left. Which leaves my mind boggling about the size of the bloke before he started his diet!

Space-filler

You put your newspaper down for a minute and the next thing you know, there’s a cat sitting on it, having a wash. Further proof that cats are psychic.

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Yah, boo to you!

After reading Mad Mandy’s column in today’s Sunday Post, it would be easy to imagine her dressing up in a bank-robber burcow outfit. Not to show solidarity with women oppressed by male Islamists, of course. Rather as an expression of female hatred for Boris Johnson for being right and having lots of popular support.

Virtue flags flapping cynically

“Rough sleeping has become a visible sign of a society failing people” is the message from Labour, which is in opposition and anxious to buy the rough sleeper vote with other people’s money by giving them fixed abodes.
    This view deliberately ignores the validity of the converse, namely that a lot of rough sleepers are people who refuse to engage with society. But then, when did facts have anything to do with politics?

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Let Darkness Fall

I’ve just realized that I have missed out on a generation of illumination devices. I still have a fair stock of the now banned incandescent light bulbs, bought cheaply when newspapers were doing stunts against the ban, for those places where a light is needed infrequently but reliably.
    I have a much bigger stock of compact fluorescent light bulbs; bought at silly prices like 10p each when the manufacturers were trying to bribe us away from incandescents.
    I should have gone on to halogen bulbs, but I didn’t and it’s too late now because the EU will ban them at the end of this month. Bring on the next brilliant idea and I’ll probably ignore that too.

Tokenism without end

It’s time for a non-white star to play James Bond, allegedly. Sounds like we’re in for a huge epidemic of tokenism. If there’s a black Bond, there has to be an Asian one. And a Chinese Bond. And a woman. And someone from the BLT ‘community’.
    A couple of centuries hence, no doubt, someone will rediscover Ian Fleming’s books and shock the world with a white, male, hetero Bond.

Friday, 10 August 2018

Scum risen

Oh, dear. The Tories are turning into Labour. The big problem is that the people at the top of the party are no more Tories than Tony B. Liar was Labour. They have no political principles or ethics, they are just chancers, like Blair, Osborne and Dave, who are in politics as a stepping stone to meeting people with lots of loot so that they can Mandelsleaze them.
    The PM, unfortunately, doesn’t feel able to get a grip. As with Brexit, she is hiding behind the sofa whilst her minions stage a proxy burka war aimed at kneecapping Boris Johnson.
    Oh, for another Tory leader with a fraction of the stature of Maggie Thatcher.

Sir Buggeroff

Having got his knighthood, Britain’s richest man is off to tax-free Monaco with his £21 BILLION fortune. Could it be that he’s worried about a Labour government and a Labour chancellor trying to buy votes with his loot? He has form for sticking two fingers up to Labour on tax matters when Gordon F. Broon was the prime monster.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Rewriting the cultural code

When is a video game a work of art? When it contains Nazi symbols, such as swastikas. The regulatory body responsible for entertainment software has created the exemption so that video games don't fall foul of the ban on the display of anti-constitutional symbols in Germany and they can contribute tax revenue to the state.

Nothing to see, move along

You can tell it’s the Silly Season when someone like Margaret Hodge is passed off as a saint and the virtue-signallers in the Bremoan camp erupt when Boris Johnson unleashes some home truths about a cult costume and just repeats what other Tory grandees have said about burqs in burqas in the past.

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Surfing the Bubble

A gang of criminals, who were importing Albanian illegals in leaky boats at £5.5K a head, saw their customers as sources of cash only and they weren’t bothered about ’elf ‘n’ safety, an indignant immigration minister complained.
    But they’re criminals. Only an idiot politician would expect them to behave like decent people. In their criminality.

It seems so obvious

In Stitchers [20:00 Syfy Channel, weeknights], why don’t they give Kirsten a bathing cap to keep her pony-tail out of the water in the Stitching tank?

Tuesday, 7 August 2018

Do not apologize, Boris!

He’s right, our former Foreign Sec. Women in a burka or a similar shame costume do look like letterboxes and they do look like bank robbers. And people wearing fancy dress should expect to be noticed and commented on if they stand out from the rest of society. Freedom of Speech, and all that. We’re not a Moslem state yet.

Cart before horse?

I’ve only ever seen this TV advert with the sound turned down but people are getting their heads shaved by the MacMillan cancer charity. But wouldn’t it make more sense for them to pay not to have their head shaved?

Monday, 6 August 2018

Don’t remind me

The Calgary Stampeders were wearing the numbers of famous past members of the roster during practice at the weekend. One of them got to wear the number of a certain D. Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock of WWF fame, who had a fairly unhappy time in Canada, according to his book of memoirs, and didn’t make the team. But I suppose he’s not bothered about that now.

Unacceptable ignorance

Oh, dear, what has happened to the education system in Scotland? Judy Murray, mother of Andy and a woman in her 6th (?) decade, admitted in yesterday’s Sunday Post that she has only just recently found out why Edinburgh is known as Auld Reekie. The price of decades of neglect by Labour then a decade of the SNP: Scots who know nothing of their heritage. Sad, really.

Sunday, 5 August 2018

Out of the line of fire

A very entertaining morning’s motorbiking in the Czech Republic, which seems to be in the wrong part of southern Europe, as far as the heatwave is concerned. Spain is frying but Brno was cloudy and getting cooler, and they were actually wondering about rain (none arrived) before the main race of the day.

Not terribly reliable

It’s pretty much a summary of the character of the British weather. We’re supposed to be having a heatwave but it does get a bit grey and cool at times. Not today, though. It’s warm and sunny; well, most of the time.

Saturday, 4 August 2018

Evil-free zone

“He’s not a messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy,” his mother said of Jesus in the famous biopic. Similarly, Osama bin Laden’s mom would have us believe that he was a shy boy and a good man. Which just goes to show that mothers are from another planet.

It’s true, no lead is safe!

That was an amazing Thursday Night Football match between the struggling World Champions of Canada, the Toronto Argonauts, and the east division leaders, the Ottawa Redblacks. The Argos were 34-14 down after 11 minutes of the 3rd quarter and looking dead and buried. But they fought back to 41-42 with 1 second left of the 4th quarter. Magic stuff in the CFL.

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Keeps the conversation going . . .

Anyone who says “Hi, guys!” to mixed groups has to desist as it’s not inclusive enough, sez the Gauleiter of Greetings.
    In future, those who use the expression must say, “Hi, guys!” to include those who think the greeting has evolved to embrace women as well as men, and tack on a “Yo, scumbags!” to include the miserable gits who think it hasn’t. [And claim that’s dramatic irony and therefore okay.l

Corbyn has a point? (Surely not!)

Labour’s leaders appear to have a problem with the policies of Israel’s sociopathic leaders rather than Jews in general. The contrary position appears to be that if some regimes persecuted some Jews in the past, then all Jews should get a permanent free pass.
    Spot which view is less reasoning.

Wednesday, 1 August 2018

Non-news

We’ve had real news, fake news and now we’re getting what looks to me like non-news. Okay, the Manchester Arena bomber was born here of Libyan parents, who went back there. And he had to be rescued by the Royal Navy when things got sticky in Libya. But all this stuff about the rescue in the papers just looks like needless nit-picking.
    He was a nutter, who killed a lot of people, and now he’s a dead nutter. And experience tells us that all the nit-picking won’t identify the next lethal nutter in line.

Not that hot

We’re supposed to be in the grip of another heatwave this week, but it is definitely chilly and breezy outside. I suppose that’s what they call ‘fresh’ – which is a very fine apology word!

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

More pots and kettles

MPs are accusing the charity sector of having a culture of denial, indulging in complacency which verges on complicity and believing that protecting the good name of the organization takes priority over abuses by the staff.
    All of which applied equally to the accusers, whose ranks are full of expenses swindlers, bullies and sex-pests, and who have a finger permanently pressed down on the ‘cover-up’ button.

Imperfect world

The Oxfam Experience tells us that the charity sector, and that includes the United Nations Organization, is run by men who think that the best way to put cash into a disaster area is to keep the local sex workers in full employment, and by pantomime dames with a Ph.D. in turning a blind eye.
    But if they get the job done . . .

Monday, 30 July 2018

Just plain wrong

We get some serious rain after a fairly long dry spell and you just know what the water companies will say. Yep, it’s the wrong type of rain. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us they missed their targets for fixing leaks because they’re the wrong type of leak.

Great idea

Now, there’s a think tank which lives up to its description! I mean the one which came up with the idea of using the overseas aid budget to deport migrants who have no right to be here.

Sunday, 29 July 2018

Strange expectations

“On a low income, it’s hard to be healthy; fresh vegetables are expensive,” said a lady quoted in Saturday’s Daily Mail. Utter garbage. People don’t cook dinner any more (they get carry-outs) where she lives because they’re too bloody lazy to make the effort.
    Note to the author of the article: a bag of supermarket salad doesn’t really count as ‘vegetables’.

Fair dos for the taxpayer

Is it reasonable to pay migrants in detention centres no more than £1/hour for cleaning, painting and other maintenance duties? Actually, yes, if they’re not contributing a red cent to their board and lodging.

Saturday, 28 July 2018

Not a brilliant effort, really

The longest eclipse of the moon of the century started before moonrise, which was pretty much at the same time as sunset, which meant that the eclipsed moon rose into full daylight. That has to be rank bad planning on the part of whoever organizes these things. Good job there was a lot of wind blowing the clouds along when they got in the way.

Friday, 27 July 2018

Natural advantage

Another good thing about having some grounds attached to your residence is that you can have a fairly clear horizon. Which is why I’m expecting a small invasion of neighbours tonight to watch the eclipsed Moon rise with no inconvenient buildings in the way.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Can’t wait

What a wonderful time we’re going to have in the future when Parliament bans all activity during hot weather. We’ll all be able to sit around watching old TV shows on the internet all day. And then worry about starving to death because all the shops have been forced to close and the larder is bare. And the taps have run dry because no one is allowed to fix burst water mains.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Careless fingers

People who have names with convincing typo potential:
1. Oily Robbins.
2. Scumas Milne.

A severe attack of the supraliminals

Did Britain’s newspapers really need to tell us the country is melting. It’s not news. Those in the south are experiencing it, those elsewhere know it’s not true. Why can’t they tell us something we don’t know? Some new news. That would be good.

Cat update

Later on yesterday, one of the gardeners reported finding two visiting cats sheltering from the rain in the gazebo. One at either side, of course, to avoid infringing on the other cat’s territory.

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Everybody panic ’coz of the weather!

Meanwhile, we have someone’s black-and-white cat taking refuge here to avoid the rain.

Natural justice vs political BS

Two ex-British jihadis end up in the US facing either the death penalty or GTMO. Nothing wrong with that and all the boo-hoo buggers who have a problem with it need to be either ignored or laughed at and reminded that these characters have been stripped of their British citizenship, depending on how annoying they get.

Monday, 23 July 2018

Some 'comes around'

Am I delighted by Vettel's catastrophe in the German GP? More surprised that the Universe doesn't hate Lewis Hamilton quite as much as I thought it did. And grateful that the same Universe rained on a grand prix and turned it from a dull procession into something with a bit of life in it.

Clerihew Four

Michel Barnier
Will never get a Hip, Hooray!
While he’s a block in the road
With his head stuck in dick mode.

So much for education, education, education

Are there really people around who need to be told the difference between a lunar and a solar eclipse, as the person who wrote the article about the lunar eclipse on Friday tacked on at the end of the piece in today's paper? If there are, the Blob and the Labour party deserve a Nobel Prize for services to dumbing down.

Sunday, 22 July 2018