Thursday, 20 September 2018

Infamy, they’ve all got it in for me

With biogs of Denis Norden in today’s papers, a small salute to the creator of the above phrase with the ludicrous story that a Corbyn aide with dodgy credentials has been refused a House of Commons security clearance for obvious reasons. This, he is claiming, is evidence that MI5 is plotting to prevent a Corbyn-led government. Nothing wrong with that guy’s imagination and a fine example of a me-centred universe.

The Germans have a word for it . . .

. . . or we could provide one. The appetite of foreigners for our language has created Franglais in France and Denglisch in Germany. Going the other way, one of the staff came up with Mischungskrachtel to describe a work of fantasy fiction in which the characters have the names of real people who are celebs or currently in the news. Like that book about the porn actress and the president called Trump.

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

It’s the way he tells them

You go to all the trouble of releasing your punch line to get max. coverage in the meeja. Then you make a bog of the performance. That’s why on-line dictionaries are now adding a note to their definition of hubris: “See Vince Cable, Brighton, 2018”.

More Sound & Fake Fury

Go sober for October? Well, it has a rhyme to it. But what if you never drink enough to get yourself pissed? In October or any other month, like most people? The slogan becomes just typical N.U.L. BS.

Nothing happening

Silence is a much undervalued commodity. And much to be enjoyed in small doses, especially when it’s quiet enough to hear the clock ticking and the cat snoring.

Definitions for Today

An ‘expert’ is someone who will excomplicate when you need him to explain.

Too rude?

The Daily Mail has a feature page, to which readers send jokes and Wordy Wise suggestions; slightly modified words with a new meaning, e.g, alcoprop = Dutch courage. One of the staff came up with ‘whores de combat’ meaning ‘tarts with attitude’ after a trip to France. But she didn’t send it in as the Mail is a family newspaper.

Monday, 17 September 2018

The name says it all

You come across some weird names in American football. North of the border, in Edmonton, there’s a star player who rejoices in the first name of D’Haquille but everyone calls him ‘Dook’. Whether or not that sounds anything like what his weird parents intended when they entered him for a ‘Give the Kid a Weird Name’ contest is a matter of conjecture.
    South of the border, in Kansas City, one of the coaches has an even better name. When the match commentators give the offensive co-ordinator for the K.C. Chiefs a name check, it sounds like Eric The Enemy. Which is a moniker which combines a job description with menace effortlessly.

Sunday, 16 September 2018

Wheels to come off

The government is threatening Amazon with a Cardboard Tax because of its habit of sending small items out in a HUGE box with a mass of paper padding inside. The stated aim is to raise cash for local councils which are struggling with their pretence of doing recycling.
    How sad everyone will be when the tax gets though Parliament and Amazon redoes its packaging policy and no cash is raised. But the taxpayer ends up having to pay for more civil servants to administer the cash collection process which doesn’t collect any cash.

Saturday, 15 September 2018

Half-assed, more like

Half-Earth: Our Planet’s Fight for Life was a title spotted in the latest catalogue from £18.99 reduced to 7 quid.
    Here’s another worthy under the illusion that the human race needs to change its ways to preserve the current range of diversity of the planet’s residents. Surprise! The planet isn’t some sort of conscious entity!
    There’s nothing which can care whether the Earth is a frozen ball of ice or a greenhouse hot-house. But try telling that to the zealots.

The Road to Feck & Burn

According to one of his mates, the Corbyn recipe for Britain is to encourage the feckless to steal from the feckful to fund a luxury communist revolution. Quite what will happen when they’ve blown all the cash and no one will lend them any more has yet to be disclosed.

Retired and gone to seed

Was that really ‘bow down to the king’ Triple Haitch on WW the other day? That bald old bloke with a beard? Crumbs! How are the mighty gone to waste. (waist?)

Friday, 14 September 2018

It’s all about the money

Oh, dear. The Archbish of Cantab takes a pop at Amazon and the other multinationals like Google, calling them tax dodgers and avoiders of social responsibility, only to find that his employer has huge investments in them and that’s something he should know about because he’s on the investment committee.
    Then there’s the conspiracy theory about the ERG in Parliament having a secret slush fund. Maybe the Russians came up with that one.

Back in the box now, Diane

What does Diane Abbott do when no one has noticed her for ages? Go Silly Season Plus and pretend that British immigration policy is just like Idi Amin’s expulsion of Asians from Uganda in the 1970s.

Thursday, 13 September 2018

They’re at it again

Was it okay for Boris Johnson to use his prime ministerial suicide vest metaphor? Yes, if it made a lot of outrage junkies make even bigger fools of themselves.

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

Blame it on the Yanks, yeah!

That’s an interesting theory: Britain shares its language with the US and it has caught the American obesity plague. But European countries where English isn’t spoken are less susceptible to American advertising and have less obesity.

Unwanted bargain

“Save 60% on a stainless steel soup maker”
    Okay, but just how tasty is stainless steel soup?

First rule of painting

As soon as you apply white paint to an exterior surface, some stoopid little black insect will land on it and get stuck.

Tuesday, 11 September 2018

News at a distance

From across the room, the headline looked like “Soup and snake diet on the NHS to reverse diabetes”. On closer inspection, it was ‘shake’ not ‘snake’, which is much less fascinating.

Border divide

Watching the Packers squeak a home win over the Bears in the first week of a new NFL season, I was assured by CFL fans, was like watching the Eskimos hosting the all-conquering Stampeders, but in reverse.
    The Pack overcame a 20-0 deficit to win 23-24. The Esks went 28-48 up and managed not to throw the victory away and eventually won 42-48.

That’s amazing!

I’ve always thought ‘wiseacre’ was an archetypal American-English word. But according to yesterday’s Daily Mail, it dates back to 1595 and well before English arrived in what is now the US. You live and learn.

Monday, 10 September 2018

First rule of DIY

No job involving the use of sharp tools may be completed without a blood sacrifice.

Absent Icon

It was strange to be watching Sky’s NFL show with no Kevin; mainly because he’s no longer with us at a rather young age. That Grim Reaper – she don’t care who gets took. Not too impressed by the magic bean-counters but if they can persuade people to pay them good money, good luck to them.
    Ah, the luxury of 4-down American Crunch.

Sunday, 9 September 2018

Dickheads at BT Sport

It’s 12 minutes past midnight and the CFL fans are on the edges of their seats because the injury-hit Banjo Bowl match in Winnipeg is inside the 3 minute warning, and the Roughriders are leading the home-team Blue Bombers by 29-27.
    Then what happens? The dickheads at BT Sport start showing the next match instead of staying with this one to the finish. Having let the programme before the CFL match over-run into the CFL time slot.
    No excuse. The fans extremely very disgruntled today.

Saturday, 8 September 2018

One wrecker assesses another

Tony Blair, who hijacked Old Labour with his New Labour project (and ran the country into the ground) is worried that Jeremy Corbyn’s hijacking of the Labour party will do the same. Which rather ignores the lesson of history, namely that Labour always wrecks things then scuttles off into the bushes until the Tories have done some repairs.

More crunch in America

Oh, dear! The NFL season is upon us as well as what’s happening in Canada, which doubles the amount of gridiron football the addicts have to watch. Time to get a refresher on the jargon; first and lunch, second and tea, third and supper, fourth and pontoon. Or something like that.

Friday, 7 September 2018

Get out of that!

That was a great put-down the Russians got from our man at the UN when they moaned about not being let in to the Novichok poisoning investigation. “You don’t recruit an arsonist to put out a fire, especially if it’s one he started.”

Long overdue payback

5Spike keeps doing promos for a new series about a gang of Vikings during reruns of the A-Team. Can’t see the attraction, myself. They were just Scandinavian scumbag thieves and murderers, and the first thing we need to do when there’s a working time machine is go back and drop a few nukes on them.

Thursday, 6 September 2018

Veracity quibble

“Home cooked food served daily” says the sign in front of a pub which I pass frequently. But is it really cooked in someone’s home rather than in a kitchen attached to the pub?
    “Here cooked food” is what the sign should say.

Sick TV

Spotted in last night’s TV menu for Sky Arts: “The Last Laugh. The dilemma of using the Holcaust as a topic for humour.” Which raises the obvious question: “Why would you want to?”
    Unless you’re a Corbynite and you feel it’s compulsory, of course.

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

Getting away with it

The two GRU agents who carried out the Novichok attack in Salisbury in March have been named and pictured. But as Russia won’t extradite its criminals, they’re probably working on their memoirs, looking for a movie deal and expecting an easy life on the Putin’s gravy train as MPs in the near future.


Is anyone impressed by a firm that calls itself 1st Class Something? Well, they would, wouldn’t they! Or does it acknowledge that there might be market opportunities for a 2nd class service? Such as: 2nd Class Valets – we don’t make much of an effort but it will look okay and we’re cheap.
   Could work with the right marketing strategy.

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Now, we know

A member of the party’s national executive committee has the explanation for the anti-Semitism row, which is embarrassing Labour a little bit. It has all been made up by Trump fanatics in the Jewish community!

Graceful exit

Would it not be a good idea for 70+ actresses who complain that they can’t get a decent job any more, e.g. Maureen Lipman, to opt for a dignified retirement plus occasional TV appearances to remind everyone of their glory days?

Monday, 3 September 2018

Post Brexit fishing quotas

Another of my associates cracked this during a very productive dinner party: The government should offer one-year licences to fish in British water, with a renewal option, to British firms which use British boats and British crews and pay British taxes in full.
    The licences should be on a ‘use it or lose it’ basis, which would prevent companies which don’t actually catch fish from selling quotas to foreigners. Any unused quotas would be factored in to the conservation calculations used to set the following year’s quotas.

Deft definition

Here’s a good one for an offence junkie, courtesy of one of my associates: Someone who parades around with her tits wobbling like twin jellies to attract attention, and then throws a major wobbly if anyone looks at them.

Sunday, 2 September 2018

Wrong colour, mate

SNP vice-boss K. Brown would be well advised to change his name if he thinks he can build an economic case for an independent Scotland. No one is going to take a Scots politician called Brown seriously on financial matters after the shambles created by his namesake, New Labour’s Gordon F. Brown, when he was Chancellor and PM.

100% wrong

“This program may contain coarse language that could offend some viewers. Discretion is advised.”
    This miserable disclaimer before CFL live-mike matches completely misses the point. Valour should be advised, not cowardly discretion.

Saturday, 1 September 2018

Tell ’em anything. They might just believe it.

You’re a bloke dressed in female clothing and you’re tooling around on a skateboard wearing a blue wig. Suddenly, you attack a female jogger. What do you tell the court?
    “I thought I was attacking David Cameron.”
    Yes, that would work!

No way period

London should have had the Crossrail scheme last year. The city’s long suffering commuters will be lucky to get it before next year’s Xmas. And yet the government is still hell-bent on going ahead with H2S and claiming it can be done on time and on budget. La-La Land.

No way forward

In the 1990s, councils were closing schools because there weren’t enough children to justify keeping them open. In the 2000s, Labour opened the flood gates to migrants and now, there aren’t enough schools.
    More proof that when here today, gone tomorrow politicians do something, they always make things worse for everyone else.

Friday, 31 August 2018

Take heart!

Iceland’s victory in the two decades of cod wars with Britain is being offered as a source of encouragement to our battered fishermen. Iceland’s fishers have prospered since then, and ours can do the same post-Brexit and following freedom from the EU’s grabbage. That’s the theory of it, anyway.

He said, he said

Frank Field, one of the few bastions of decency in the Labour party, has baled out. He was a total rotter and he quit before we could give him the push, sez the mouthpiece for his constituency party. There’s never a shortage of slime and someone to sling it in politics. Which makes the news that on-line abuse of politicians is on the increase no surprise. There’s nowt like anonymity for putting lead into the pencil of those with an imaginary grievance.

Thursday, 30 August 2018

Brownian finance

Wonga goes wonky? It seems incredible that a company with a million customers paying interest on loans at up to 6,000% APR could go belly up. But it’s amazing what you can accomplish if you try hard enough.

More fake news

Shop prices are rising for the first time in 5 years? Really? My housekeeper tells me this is total bollocks. She can produce receipts showing that they’ve been creeping up and up relentlessly for ages. Five pee here, fifteen pee there. There has definitely not been a 5-year pause.

Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Their stupidity, our money

When is racial and sexual discrimination okay? When the government want to recruit female Asian and black firepersons in the name of diversity and at the expense of available and competent white males.

Social nicety

If you see someone wearing a ‘pronoun’ badge, turn round and walk away. Not getting involved with that sort of person always makes sense.

Tuesday, 28 August 2018

“That guy taco on one, right?”

What percentage, I wonder, of the TV audience can get anything out of a live-mike CFL match? Are there enough zeros to go between the decimal point and the number ‘1’? Probably not.

Not terrifically funny, but true

When is a hate crime not a hate crime as far as the police are concerned?
    When it’s anti-Semitism perpetrated by a card-carrying member of the Labour party.

Monday, 27 August 2018

Sporting barrel-scraping

Little League World Series baseball on BT Sport? Who’s going to watch that apart from the parents of the kids involved and paedophiles?

No worries, mate

Deposed SNP leader Alex Salmond has found himself on the wrong end of some MeeTooery. But he’ll be okay. Police Scotland are investigating and they are known to be not much cop.

Pointless record broken

A fine example of having more money than sense – paying $340,000 for a bottle of Japanese whiskey. But, not doubt, the auction house in Hong Kong appreciated its commissions.
    The big problem for the buyer is what to do next. Put the bottle on the mantlepiece to show it off or booze it with some mates to show off an easy come, easy go attitude.

Racing dead loss

No racing at Silverstone; the riders thought it was too dangerous. And the Belgian GP wasn’t up to much after the mayhem on the first lap. But it does help to have some Sunday papers to read when there’s nothing much happening on TV.

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Even more thinking time

Oh, the suspense! Will there be any MotoGP today with big puddles on the track at Silverstone and conditions unsafe right now? All we at home can do is sit in front of the TV with a cup of tea and wish the rain away.

Thinking time

No internet for a couple of days doesn’t stop you thinking. Mr. Virgin’s engineer gave me a new hub whilst discovering that there was a problem with the external infrastructure, which would be fixed last night as it was a priority one matter. As a result, we now need to do some resetting of all laptops which connect to the hub wirelessly.
    Which is where the thinking comes in.
    Hi-Fi is a well known abbreviation for High Fidelity. But Wi-Fi? Shouldn’t it be Wi-Ne if it refers to wireless networking? But whoever decided to trademark Wi-Fi instead might have thought that Wi-Ne sounds too close to something to do with whining, and opted for a less loaded sound.

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one”

No VM internet on Friday or yesterday, but I can still comment about yet another Grenfell Tower fraudster being hauled before the courts, as reported in Saturday’s paper. Whenever that happens, the name is always foreign, which suggests that we need to be a lot more selective of the quality of immigrants. And to be more rigorous about chucking out the disreputable ones who are already here.

Thursday, 23 August 2018

Nature finds a way

Good news for the Millennial Snowflakes – they’re not going to have to save up for their old age because they won’t have one. Apparently, their unhealthy lifestyle means that their ranks will be thinned to manageable proportions by diabetes, heart attacks and strokes at middle age.

Wednesday, 22 August 2018

Had to happen!

One of the MeeTooers who slagged off Harve WeenSteen has had to pay hundreds of thousands of bucks to a young male actor for MeeTooing offences. Pots & kettles, come away!
    Rejoice! The Universe does have a sense of humour after all.

Diversity is . . . Insanity

It had to come to this eventually – the pillock in charge of the magistrates’ union demanding more criminals in the ranks of the judiciary in the name of diversity. Where’s the colonel from Monty Python when you need him?

Tuesday, 21 August 2018

Not so wonderful

Speedster Usain Bolt is going to make a new career with an Aussie football team? Good luck to him and yah, boo to the boo-hoo-buggers who claim it’s just a publicity stunt. Of course, a bit of the steam went out of the ‘pleased for him’ when I learnt that it’s to play football football, not Aussie Rules.

Monday, 20 August 2018

Surprising fact

I never knew that the Labour party runs courses in anti-Semitism. But that does explain why so many of them are so good at it.

Small clarification

In actual fact, Jammy Oliver’s Jerk Rice is nothing to do with Jamaica. The ‘jerk’ refers to the likes of sari-wearing MPs of Jamaican descent who are stoopid enough to go on about cultural misappropriation.

A self-perpetuating cycle

“Poverty is man-made and it can be unmade” is the virtuous quotation. Unfortunately, as soon as some of it is unmade, along come more unfortunate, or just downright feckless, people to make more of it. It’s the closest humanity has come to perpetual motion. But it does provide lots of job security for the virtue professionals.

Sunday, 19 August 2018

Not exactly a big deal

Scotland’s Fave Newspaper had a major Scottish criminal to put on the front page today. James Ward has been put of the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Now 65, Ward has been on the run for 6 years after his scam involving investment in non-existent precious metals went belly-up.
    If they ever catch him, the Feds hope to recover millions from him to pay court costs. But as his scam involved just $350,000, it sounds like only lawyers, court officials and Feds will make any money out of it. And it doesn’t say much for the FBI’s standards if someone who didn’t stroll off with MILLIONS can end up on the Most Wanted list!

Laziness or back-scratching?

What is the point of telling us the total number of years in gaol a gang of criminals collected? Especially if they all didn’t receive the same sentence. It’s just idle and pointless journalism. Of which there is a lot about.
    The same could be said about a judge pontificating that the criminals’ scheme was sophisticated and well thought out when there wouldn’t have been much point in trying it otherwise. Unless it’s the judiciary trying to puff up the police by creating the impression that they were way smarter than the crooks.

Saturday, 18 August 2018

Fun to come

We can look forward to a spot of vigorous entertainment when the Silly Season ends and the political loafers come back from their extended, taxpayer-funded hols. Nigel Farage, the spiritual leader of UKIP, is going on a national tour to expose the lies and evasions offered by the PM and her Bremoaner pals as they plot to sabotage Brexit and frustrate the wishes of 174 million voters.

We’re supposed to be surprised?

Online betting firms make their money from people who are hooked on gambling and they aim their pitches and free gifts at this type of person. Captain Obvious is in the room again.

Friday, 17 August 2018

More stupidity

Jeremy Hunt used to have a fairly good reputation when he was the boss of the NHS. His move to the Foreign Office to replace Boris Johnson seems to have unhinged him, however, if he really believes that a no-deal Brexit will be something the country will regret for generations!
    But maybe he’s forgotten that Snoflakes have an attention span of 7.3 seconds.

Silly Season Staple

One gets the impression that the news media would be really stuck for something to put between the adverts were it not for the drunken brawls of sportsmen and the opportunities they generate for lengthy moralizing and faked indignation.

Thursday, 16 August 2018

Serious offence

Corbyn is in real trouble now! A man of the people staying at a Five-Star hotel during his jolly in Tunisia in 2014? The bastard! The class traitor!

Oh, the agony!

On thing this country never seems to run short of is drama queens, who claim they’re going to be forced to leave the country if something terrible happens. Like Brexit being followed by the collapse of British society as we know it (won’t happen) or anti-Semitism becoming compulsory if Jeremy Corbyn becomes the prime minister of a fascist-left government (won’t happen).

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Soviet Warming

The latest conspiracy theory is that the Russians are responsible for all the melting of Arctic ice and the stranded polar bears (aaah!). Apparently, the Putin People want to build military bases in the thawed areas as a basis for claiming new territory and the exploitable natural resources that go with it.
   Sounds very credible!

Tuesday, 14 August 2018

A spot of seasonal weather

The Corbyn witch hunt has been aggrandized to a storm in a bathtub, but he still has nothing much to worry about. Especially if his chief witch-hunters are the PM of Israel and the chairman of the Conservative party, neither of whom is exactly unappalling.
    And the BBC is still on his side when it takes a break from prosecuting its witch hunt against Boris Johnson.

The worst of all possible worlds

Whoever came up with that ‘Diversity is Strength’ slogan for garments worn by CFL players, coaches and staff was obviously in it for the money rather than the sense.
    Diversity is everyone walking up to the line of scrimmage and doing their own thing rather than what a coach told them.
    Diversity is 8-stone men, and women, playing linepersons and some kid who wants to be a star pretending to be a quarterback.
    Diversity is a shambles rather than the best of the best competing, and not something many people would pay good money to watch.

Monday, 13 August 2018

A new law for human society . . .

“For every witch hunt, there is an equal and opposite witch hunt”
    The one against Boris Johnson for failing to appreciate the bhurka is balanced by the one against Jezzer Corbyn for appreciating Palestinian bad guys too much.

Not enough space to fill!

I’ve just been reading about someone with a weight problem, who casually announced that he’s lost 9 stones – and he’s still got a bit to go before he’s at his ‘ideal’ weight. After a quick calculation, I found that if I lost 9 stones, there would be just a skeleton left. Which leaves my mind boggling about the size of the bloke before he started his diet!


You put your newspaper down for a minute and the next thing you know, there’s a cat sitting on it, having a wash. Further proof that cats are psychic.

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Yah, boo to you!

After reading Mad Mandy’s column in today’s Sunday Post, it would be easy to imagine her dressing up in a bank-robber burcow outfit. Not to show solidarity with women oppressed by male Islamists, of course. Rather as an expression of female hatred for Boris Johnson for being right and having lots of popular support.

Virtue flags flapping cynically

“Rough sleeping has become a visible sign of a society failing people” is the message from Labour, which is in opposition and anxious to buy the rough sleeper vote with other people’s money by giving them fixed abodes.
    This view deliberately ignores the validity of the converse, namely that a lot of rough sleepers are people who refuse to engage with society. But then, when did facts have anything to do with politics?

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Let Darkness Fall

I’ve just realized that I have missed out on a generation of illumination devices. I still have a fair stock of the now banned incandescent light bulbs, bought cheaply when newspapers were doing stunts against the ban, for those places where a light is needed infrequently but reliably.
    I have a much bigger stock of compact fluorescent light bulbs; bought at silly prices like 10p each when the manufacturers were trying to bribe us away from incandescents.
    I should have gone on to halogen bulbs, but I didn’t and it’s too late now because the EU will ban them at the end of this month. Bring on the next brilliant idea and I’ll probably ignore that too.

Tokenism without end

It’s time for a non-white star to play James Bond, allegedly. Sounds like we’re in for a huge epidemic of tokenism. If there’s a black Bond, there has to be an Asian one. And a Chinese Bond. And a woman. And someone from the BLT ‘community’.
    A couple of centuries hence, no doubt, someone will rediscover Ian Fleming’s books and shock the world with a white, male, hetero Bond.

Friday, 10 August 2018

Scum risen

Oh, dear. The Tories are turning into Labour. The big problem is that the people at the top of the party are no more Tories than Tony B. Liar was Labour. They have no political principles or ethics, they are just chancers, like Blair, Osborne and Dave, who are in politics as a stepping stone to meeting people with lots of loot so that they can Mandelsleaze them.
    The PM, unfortunately, doesn’t feel able to get a grip. As with Brexit, she is hiding behind the sofa whilst her minions stage a proxy burka war aimed at kneecapping Boris Johnson.
    Oh, for another Tory leader with a fraction of the stature of Maggie Thatcher.

Sir Buggeroff

Having got his knighthood, Britain’s richest man is off to tax-free Monaco with his £21 BILLION fortune. Could it be that he’s worried about a Labour government and a Labour chancellor trying to buy votes with his loot? He has form for sticking two fingers up to Labour on tax matters when Gordon F. Broon was the prime monster.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Rewriting the cultural code

When is a video game a work of art? When it contains Nazi symbols, such as swastikas. The regulatory body responsible for entertainment software has created the exemption so that video games don't fall foul of the ban on the display of anti-constitutional symbols in Germany and they can contribute tax revenue to the state.

Nothing to see, move along

You can tell it’s the Silly Season when someone like Margaret Hodge is passed off as a saint and the virtue-signallers in the Bremoan camp erupt when Boris Johnson unleashes some home truths about a cult costume and just repeats what other Tory grandees have said about burqs in burqas in the past.

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Surfing the Bubble

A gang of criminals, who were importing Albanian illegals in leaky boats at £5.5K a head, saw their customers as sources of cash only and they weren’t bothered about ’elf ‘n’ safety, an indignant immigration minister complained.
    But they’re criminals. Only an idiot politician would expect them to behave like decent people. In their criminality.

It seems so obvious

In Stitchers [20:00 Syfy Channel, weeknights], why don’t they give Kirsten a bathing cap to keep her pony-tail out of the water in the Stitching tank?

Tuesday, 7 August 2018

Do not apologize, Boris!

He’s right, our former Foreign Sec. Women in a burka or a similar shame costume do look like letterboxes and they do look like bank robbers. And people wearing fancy dress should expect to be noticed and commented on if they stand out from the rest of society. Freedom of Speech, and all that. We’re not a Moslem state yet.

Cart before horse?

I’ve only ever seen this TV advert with the sound turned down but people are getting their heads shaved by the MacMillan cancer charity. But wouldn’t it make more sense for them to pay not to have their head shaved?

Monday, 6 August 2018

Don’t remind me

The Calgary Stampeders were wearing the numbers of famous past members of the roster during practice at the weekend. One of them got to wear the number of a certain D. Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock of WWF fame, who had a fairly unhappy time in Canada, according to his book of memoirs, and didn’t make the team. But I suppose he’s not bothered about that now.

Unacceptable ignorance

Oh, dear, what has happened to the education system in Scotland? Judy Murray, mother of Andy and a woman in her 6th (?) decade, admitted in yesterday’s Sunday Post that she has only just recently found out why Edinburgh is known as Auld Reekie. The price of decades of neglect by Labour then a decade of the SNP: Scots who know nothing of their heritage. Sad, really.

Sunday, 5 August 2018

Out of the line of fire

A very entertaining morning’s motorbiking in the Czech Republic, which seems to be in the wrong part of southern Europe, as far as the heatwave is concerned. Spain is frying but Brno was cloudy and getting cooler, and they were actually wondering about rain (none arrived) before the main race of the day.

Not terribly reliable

It’s pretty much a summary of the character of the British weather. We’re supposed to be having a heatwave but it does get a bit grey and cool at times. Not today, though. It’s warm and sunny; well, most of the time.

Saturday, 4 August 2018

Evil-free zone

“He’s not a messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy,” his mother said of Jesus in the famous biopic. Similarly, Osama bin Laden’s mom would have us believe that he was a shy boy and a good man. Which just goes to show that mothers are from another planet.

It’s true, no lead is safe!

That was an amazing Thursday Night Football match between the struggling World Champions of Canada, the Toronto Argonauts, and the east division leaders, the Ottawa Redblacks. The Argos were 34-14 down after 11 minutes of the 3rd quarter and looking dead and buried. But they fought back to 41-42 with 1 second left of the 4th quarter. Magic stuff in the CFL.

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Keeps the conversation going . . .

Anyone who says “Hi, guys!” to mixed groups has to desist as it’s not inclusive enough, sez the Gauleiter of Greetings.
    In future, those who use the expression must say, “Hi, guys!” to include those who think the greeting has evolved to embrace women as well as men, and tack on a “Yo, scumbags!” to include the miserable gits who think it hasn’t. [And claim that’s dramatic irony and therefore okay.l

Corbyn has a point? (Surely not!)

Labour’s leaders appear to have a problem with the policies of Israel’s sociopathic leaders rather than Jews in general. The contrary position appears to be that if some regimes persecuted some Jews in the past, then all Jews should get a permanent free pass.
    Spot which view is less reasoning.

Wednesday, 1 August 2018


We’ve had real news, fake news and now we’re getting what looks to me like non-news. Okay, the Manchester Arena bomber was born here of Libyan parents, who went back there. And he had to be rescued by the Royal Navy when things got sticky in Libya. But all this stuff about the rescue in the papers just looks like needless nit-picking.
    He was a nutter, who killed a lot of people, and now he’s a dead nutter. And experience tells us that all the nit-picking won’t identify the next lethal nutter in line.

Not that hot

We’re supposed to be in the grip of another heatwave this week, but it is definitely chilly and breezy outside. I suppose that’s what they call ‘fresh’ – which is a very fine apology word!

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

More pots and kettles

MPs are accusing the charity sector of having a culture of denial, indulging in complacency which verges on complicity and believing that protecting the good name of the organization takes priority over abuses by the staff.
    All of which applied equally to the accusers, whose ranks are full of expenses swindlers, bullies and sex-pests, and who have a finger permanently pressed down on the ‘cover-up’ button.

Imperfect world

The Oxfam Experience tells us that the charity sector, and that includes the United Nations Organization, is run by men who think that the best way to put cash into a disaster area is to keep the local sex workers in full employment, and by pantomime dames with a Ph.D. in turning a blind eye.
    But if they get the job done . . .

Monday, 30 July 2018

Just plain wrong

We get some serious rain after a fairly long dry spell and you just know what the water companies will say. Yep, it’s the wrong type of rain. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us they missed their targets for fixing leaks because they’re the wrong type of leak.

Great idea

Now, there’s a think tank which lives up to its description! I mean the one which came up with the idea of using the overseas aid budget to deport migrants who have no right to be here.

Sunday, 29 July 2018

Strange expectations

“On a low income, it’s hard to be healthy; fresh vegetables are expensive,” said a lady quoted in Saturday’s Daily Mail. Utter garbage. People don’t cook dinner any more (they get carry-outs) where she lives because they’re too bloody lazy to make the effort.
    Note to the author of the article: a bag of supermarket salad doesn’t really count as ‘vegetables’.

Fair dos for the taxpayer

Is it reasonable to pay migrants in detention centres no more than £1/hour for cleaning, painting and other maintenance duties? Actually, yes, if they’re not contributing a red cent to their board and lodging.

Saturday, 28 July 2018

Not a brilliant effort, really

The longest eclipse of the moon of the century started before moonrise, which was pretty much at the same time as sunset, which meant that the eclipsed moon rose into full daylight. That has to be rank bad planning on the part of whoever organizes these things. Good job there was a lot of wind blowing the clouds along when they got in the way.

Friday, 27 July 2018

Natural advantage

Another good thing about having some grounds attached to your residence is that you can have a fairly clear horizon. Which is why I’m expecting a small invasion of neighbours tonight to watch the eclipsed Moon rise with no inconvenient buildings in the way.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Can’t wait

What a wonderful time we’re going to have in the future when Parliament bans all activity during hot weather. We’ll all be able to sit around watching old TV shows on the internet all day. And then worry about starving to death because all the shops have been forced to close and the larder is bare. And the taps have run dry because no one is allowed to fix burst water mains.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Careless fingers

People who have names with convincing typo potential:
1. Oily Robbins.
2. Scumas Milne.

A severe attack of the supraliminals

Did Britain’s newspapers really need to tell us the country is melting. It’s not news. Those in the south are experiencing it, those elsewhere know it’s not true. Why can’t they tell us something we don’t know? Some new news. That would be good.

Cat update

Later on yesterday, one of the gardeners reported finding two visiting cats sheltering from the rain in the gazebo. One at either side, of course, to avoid infringing on the other cat’s territory.

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Everybody panic ’coz of the weather!

Meanwhile, we have someone’s black-and-white cat taking refuge here to avoid the rain.

Natural justice vs political BS

Two ex-British jihadis end up in the US facing either the death penalty or GTMO. Nothing wrong with that and all the boo-hoo buggers who have a problem with it need to be either ignored or laughed at and reminded that these characters have been stripped of their British citizenship, depending on how annoying they get.

Monday, 23 July 2018

Some 'comes around'

Am I delighted by Vettel's catastrophe in the German GP? More surprised that the Universe doesn't hate Lewis Hamilton quite as much as I thought it did. And grateful that the same Universe rained on a grand prix and turned it from a dull procession into something with a bit of life in it.

Clerihew Four

Michel Barnier
Will never get a Hip, Hooray!
While he’s a block in the road
With his head stuck in dick mode.

So much for education, education, education

Are there really people around who need to be told the difference between a lunar and a solar eclipse, as the person who wrote the article about the lunar eclipse on Friday tacked on at the end of the piece in today's paper? If there are, the Blob and the Labour party deserve a Nobel Prize for services to dumbing down.

Sunday, 22 July 2018

A bit wonky

‘A mostly dry day with just the small chance of an isolate shower’ was the weather prediction in today’s paper. It has been drizzling all morning. But the gardeners appreciate it.

Now you come to mention it . . .

That bloke who spotted that a departures board written in Welsh looked like something cobbled together by a dyslexic was spot on. Having seen the picture, I agree. It does!

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Clerihew Three

Theresa May
But if she actually will, no one can say.
As for her principles and red lines,
They have many more varieties than Heinz.

May we please just Brexit?

All that pratting about by the government at Chequers and the ministerial resignations was for nothing. EU say No!

Well, I never

I was shocked to learn that we have an Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. Taxpayers’ money is actually being spent on telling people how to misuse drugs! Shocking!
    And if the advice is coming from civil servants and quangocrats, it is bound to be rubbish, which makes the abuse of the public purse even worse.

Potted Philosophy

Or what people talk about in pubs. The opposite of the mythical concept of the mangina has to be a shenis. Which leads to the question of which would be more popular at a theatre near you: The Mangina Monologues or The Shenis Serenades?

Friday, 20 July 2018

Lest we forget

The Greatest General of All Time nearly got himself blown to smithereens on this day in 1944. But he was spared because the assassin didn’t have enough courage of his convictions to pull the pin when he was standing next to Mr. Hitler.

Some choice

Ban the work of Kipling because he was racist. Replace it with work by MBPs. How is that not equally racist?
    Ah, but Kipling’s was bad racism and this is good racism, especially if the person responsible is an MBP.

Yes, your ears do deceive you

Baroness Hutin? Who she?
    It’s a BBC newsreader’s version of Vladimir Putin, Clothears!

Clerihew Two

Jean-Claude Juncker
Couldn’t get any druncker
But if the taxpayer’s buying
He’ll keep on trying.

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Weird lot, these Yanks

The things you learn from casual reading! According to a court in Maryland in 2006, mooning is a form of expression protected under the constitutional right of freedom of speech. Which leaves me wondering what the judges had been smoking as mooning is performed at the opposite of end of the body from the organ of speech.

Vested interest

Is it fair to point a finger at Libyan coastguards if some migrants refused to board their ship when intercepted on the way to inflict themselves on Europe? Of course, not. But if the people doing the finger-pointing are making a living out of the refugee trade, their opinion is hardly unbiased.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Something to grab you!

With a title like Bermuda Tentacles, how can anyone resist this 2014 film, which is sure to be a totally daft sciffy creature feature. Great fun, but no mention of the fate of the idiot who chose to send the US president’s plane through the Bermuda Triangle in a violent storm, which had to be treason.

A word in your Clerihew

Vladimir Putin
Doesn’t believe in shootin’.
When he wants someone dead,
It’s poison, not a bullet in the head.

Pseuds only, pliz

‘Pre-owned’ – how is that somehow superior to ‘secondhand’? Except to people who like to kid themselves that they’re getting something special that’s not availably to the peasantry.

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

New broom looking to sweep out inherited trash?

Having hacker and fugitive J. Assange occupying a room in your outpost for 6 years is proving too much for the residents of the embassy of Ecuador. And he’s costing his hosts lots of money; even more than the Metropolitan Police Farce! As a result, the new president of the country is trying to arrange a way of getting rid of him.
    You’d think Assange would have had enough of it by now and he’d do them the favour of digging an escape tunnel!

Unreasonable expectation

Isn’t there something rather illogical about his constituents telling ‘shamed Tory minister’ A. Griffiths to do the decent thing? He’s a proven rotter with no moral compass, which means that ‘the decent thing’ is the last thing he’d do!

Monday, 16 July 2018

YOU can fool none of the people none of the time, mate!

The Prime Minister would have us believe that the country will be left with no Brexit at all if her MPs gang up on her and thwart her brilliant plan. But it is excruciatingly obvious that her only plan is to thwart Brexit. Which means that no matter what her MPs do, it won’t make a scrap of difference.

Plus ça change . . .

It used to be the News of the Screws that did the dirty vicar/MP/whatever stories. Now, it’s the Monday edition of the Daily Mail making up for uneventful weekends.
    p.s. “It’s draining my battery.” Is that some sort of modern euphemism?

Sunday, 15 July 2018

You berk, Jezzer!

That old fool Corbyn has called for the Tory Government to step aside if it cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with Europe. I’d like to invite him to step aside if he cannot deliver something approaching an intelligent relationship with reality.

Boldly gone turkey

I watched the last half hour of that 2013 Star Trek film on Channel 4 on Saturday night. [BTW: is it me or did it go dark incredibly quickly during that half hour?] OMG! What a load of cobblers.

Some CFL fans are looking cheerful

Okay, the Eskimos beat the Argos by the odd rouge. But a win is a win and there are no more points to be gained for winning by more than one point. Even if it is over the World Champions of Canada.

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Department of useless knowledge

How do the Swiss government know that 100,000-150,000 Swiss citizens get through around 5 tons of cocaine per year between them? It gets boffins to measure the content of benzoylecgonine, one of the metabolites, in waste water and make a guess. I suppose producing this sort of statistic is a living, and maybe a bit more interesting than some.

Life chugs on regardless

Despite all the posturing by has-beens, hypocrites and nobodies, Donald Trump is still President of the United States of America. Imagine their amazement on discovering that no one took any notice of them (and try not to laugh).

Game of Throwns

“Ah wer thrown,” said the accused when asked why his evidence had changed since the police interview. “There wer two on ’em, one asking another question as I wer trying to answer the last one. If owt has changed it’s coz Ah wer thrown the first time.”
    “And that, Milord, is the case for the defence.”

Friday, 13 July 2018

Don’t know when you’re lucky, mate

A Ross Clark got a full page in yesterday’s Daily Mail to moan about being denied a hernia op on the NHS even though he’s paid thousands of pounds in income tax. Given the number of women who have complained to the Sunday Post about the havoc created by faulty mesh implants, maybe his doctor is doing him a favour!

More hoop merchants

A charity is getting excited because one-third of primary school kids haven’t been taught to ride a bike. Something which I never did. In fact, I didn’t do 6 of their top 10 essentials for childhood and it never held me back. But I doubt the control freaks want to hear that; they just want kids jumping through their hoops.

Next move

What can the WW do to top pretending to bluelooterize the Canadian whinger last week? A sick note for KO and a night off; and a spray of air-freshener from his tormentor.

First place is the only one that matters

Does anyone care who ends up third in the World Cup? Thought not.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

How to win

Hint for the French for Sunday: knock in two goals in the first half and don’t let them score. Then knock in another in the second half to make them even more desperate.

Confected outrage

Why is it such a shock-horror-scandal-outrage that the Thai boys who were rescued from the flooded cave system were sedated before they had to navigate flooded tunnels?
    It sounds like the humane thing to do and there would be a scandal only if they hadn’t been sedated.

How do you upset bigots?

Paint the black crosses on the shields above the clock faces on the Elizabeth Tower red, and when the Scottish and Welsh Nationalists start to whinge, challenge them to put some red crosses among the dragons and lions on their national buildings.

Ethics, but not as we know them, Jim

The spirt of the Crystal Methodist lives on at the Co-op. Its insurance wing knows dates of birth and it knows which ancient customers are paying rip-off premiums for insurance. But its management claims it would be unethical and ageist to mention it to them. So much for the customer counts!

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Nothing changes

The mob violence being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of what happened during the Nazi era in Germany. Probably because the same type of people are organizing it.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Exploiting the foolish

Fake vegetarians, who want a vegetable-based burger which looks like one made of meat, and even bleeds red stuff, are being obliged. The only snag is that their indulgence will cost them over 300% the price of a proper burger.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Things that occur to you while watching TV

If we can have subliminal messages; ones which are beneath the threshold of consciousness; why has no one come up with supraliminal to describe statements of the bleedin’ obvious? Especially as the term has a veneer of education as it uses Latin to express an otherwise crude concept.

More from Cloth-Ears

Did he mumble “Alans” or “Adams”?
    What’s the context?
Cockney rhyming slang, mate. Is he trying to get into her Alan Whickers or her Adam Ants?

Inferior product

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Fallguy – that’s a much, much better title than the one they came up with for the latest episode.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

Bloody Foreigners!

Interesting tactic by Ferrari at the British GP: get your No. 2 driver to punt the No.1's main threat to the back of the field, knowing the FIA will let them get away with it.

Keep your Sellotape in the fridge!

I had a print stuck to a wall with some carpet tape judiciously folded into a loop. It was there for ages. A couple of nights ago, it fell down. The adhesive was just too soft and tacky to support the weight of that much paper.
    Same story with other types of sticky tape as regards loss of sticking power. Never known anything like it!!

What they don’t want you to know

Apparently, you have to pay their fee/commission whether or not Purple Brix manage to sell your house. How about that for commisery?

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Just a bit off target

Strange, isn’t it, that when some non-celeb is murdered or dies in an accident, they are always the best person in the world. But when someone we’ve heard of dies, there’s always someone standing by with a book claiming that the deceased was the world’s biggest nasty bastard.
    Sounds like Mr. Death needs to adjust his sights somewhat.

My taxes are paying for this crap

I noticed yesterday that we have a Minister for Women and Equalities?? How can there be more than one of them? Things are either equal or they aren’t. But, of course, in the mad world of politics, let us not forget that some equalities are more equal than others, especially when wimmin are concerned.

Money for ancient rope

This week’s WWE Smackdown wasn’t much better. One wrestling match in the first hour; the rest was fillers, repeats and wibble.
    After an hour and a half, a Z-lister did a bit in the ring before his boss did sneak-attack wibble. A couple of ladies bashed each other about for 4 minutes. To finish, two A-list tag teams did 8 minutes.
    Hardly something worth the time and expense of attending in person for the recording.

Desperation move

The Russians are claiming that the latest episode in the Salisbury poisoning saga is an attempt by Britain to tarnish the World Cup that Putin bought. Is that even possible?

Friday, 6 July 2018

New modern words

Wibsite – an online source of fake news and wibble (see also: BBC)
Scribsite – an online source of naff opinions and scribble, especially about stuff which the perpetrator knows nothing about (see also: blog)

Holy crap, Batman! It’s blue!

There were lots of cries of: “This is crap” when this week’s episode of WWE Raw became a succession of pairs of guys pretending to kick the crap out of a current hero. Then one of the whingers got his comeuppance by allegedly being pushed off a raised area inside a portaloo. He  emerged covered in blue stuff. In the good old days of Vince McMahon, it would have been brown stuff, but these days, even the crap isn’t crap-coloured.

Trade Descriptions Act time

Have you noticed that every-bloody-body; banks, anyone with a website, etc., etc.; is urging us to take more control of our data and so on? Of course, what they really mean is that the mugs should buy a pretence of having more control and let things chug along pretty much as they used to. Not that they’d ever dream of telling us that in plain English.

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Nowhere will be safe

If you’re looking for somewhere to go to avoid being tasered by a trigger-happy copper, take Italy off your list. They’re holding trials with tasers in 11 large cities there (but not Rome, surprisingly) and once they have them, the cops won’t give them up.

Can we chuck out some more Russian spies?

What’s that going to do for Salisbury – knowing that Putin the Poisoner has set off the equivalent of a dirty bomb in the city by contaminating it with novichok? Which effectively lasts forever, according to our experts.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It’s the way he reads them

Crumbs! Was D. Green, MP, really the first secretary of state for lying? Or am I just guilty of not bothering to read the rest of the sentence?

A waste of space and licence-payers’ cash

The BBC’s diversity bloke sounds a really poisonous piece of work. Wibble by the bucketful at the touch of a button. When an organization gets big enough to feel the need to hire someone like him, it needs to be split up and leaned forthwith.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Someone has to say it

Yes, and I’m sure I’m not the only person wondering how much it cost dear old Vlad to get the worst Russian world cup team for decades past Spain on penalties!

You can’t beat a good story

It’s only a comfortable 28 degrees Centigrade in the computer room today and we’re not being threatened with a hosepipe ban just yet. Which is pretty meaningless when you have your own private lake! Still, it was interesting to note that the water companies are saying they can’t treat water fast enough to meet demand.
    Nothing about all the treated water that leaks away through the pipes they can’t be bothered fixing, of course.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Two wheels good, four wheels bad

That was some MotoGP race in Assen! How did they stay on their bikes after some of those collisions! And another good win for Marc Marquez.
    Meanwhile, in Austria: German cars, what bloody use are they?

Curious lapse

I’ve just watched the Tartan DVD version of Ingmar Bergman’s film The Virgin Spring. The notes on the box-sleeve describe the bad guys as swineherds. Filthy swine they might have been, but they had a herd of goats in the film, which the person who wrote those notes clearly hadn’t bothered to watch.

Saturday, 30 June 2018

We know, we know

Nothing like an MP for stating the bleedin’ obvious. M. Hiller, chairman of the public accounts committee, has described public sector pay as a ‘gilded staircase’ and she has noticed that it is fuelled by people awarding themselves more money because they have convinced themselves they’re worth it.
    No danger of Parliament banging some heads together and telling them they’re wrong, though.

Still hot

32 degrees Centigrade again at the end of the afternoon in the computer room yesterday, and that was despite a very chilly wind blasting anyone who dared to venture outside. I suppose that’s a tribute to the quality of the Mansion’s thermal insulation.

Friday, 29 June 2018

Man of Straw

Surprise! There is some secret state in league with dark forces and Jack Straw was lying his head off about rendition when he was Home Sec. But he was a Tony B. Liar crony, so what else do you expect?

Hot, ain’t it!

New world record: 32 degrees Centigrade in my computer room yesterday at the end of the afternoon. No wonder I was sticking to the keyboard and the mouse!

Thursday, 28 June 2018

Pay the legal profession enough and they’ll do anything

The news that the Civil Partnership Act (2004) breaches the ’uman rights of mixed-sex couples, who wish to enjoy this lesser alternative to marriage raises an interesting possibility.
    How soon will it be before some judge declares that insisting on same-species partnerships also abridges ’uman rights?

Oh, for some USEFUL ones

Further proof that we have useless idiots in charge of the police – their leaders don’t want the government to make it illegal for Travellers to invade private property, or public land, and turn it into a rubbish dump.

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Does anyone love the EU?

That’s apart from the Drunckers and the others making money out of it, of course. Switzerland is not happy about free, unchecked movement of labour from the EU. The Swiss People’s Party has collected enough signatures on a petition to force a referendum on the issue of the right of EU citizens to work in Switzerland, which should throw a cat nicely among the pigeons.

Attention all shroud-wavers

Some people do have to be happy – the creed of diversity demands it. But we’re sure you’ll understand if you’re not included as you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Just as dead

Whilst Prince William is laying wreaths in Palestine, is there any chance of one at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem in memory of the terrorism victims who died there?

Rights – but not for everyone

An ex-footballer says he doesn’t like a female commentator’s shrill voice and he’s mobbed by the usual suspects. But a bloke is as entitled to a personal opinion/preference as any sour-faced harridan-git in these enlightened times, surely!

Monday, 25 June 2018

Wheels of glory

Much good cheer among the motor racing fans at the Mansion. The Forces of Evil Vettel got it wrong at the start and let Lewis Hamilton drive untroubled back into the lead of the drivers’ championship in France. And then the Aussie whinger went out on lap 1 of the IndyCar race at Road America in sunny Wisconsin. Some days, the Gods do smile.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Something else that sucks . . .

. . . is the NHS in Scotland, where operations are being cancelled because the management is unable to provide sufficient sterilizing facilities for surgical equipment. Just what exactly do the useless sods do all day?

BT Sport sucks

Much indignation among the Canadian football fans at the Mansion yesterday afternoon, when they settled down to watch Friday Night Football replays but got a second repeat of the Thursday Night match, which they’d already seen.
    No explanation on the BT Sport website, of course. The TV menu there was still showing the wrong programme information. Which is pretty pathetic if BT is supposed to be a communications company.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Damn diverse!

If the BBC really wants to score virtue points, it will have to replace David Dimbleby on Question Time with the daughter of a Pakistani bus driver.

Friday, 22 June 2018

Put the blame where it belongs

Amid all the Trump-bashing by the not-so-great and the not-all-that-good, has anyone got anything to say about the parents who breed children they can’t afford to support and then dump them on the charity of the American taxpayer?
    No? Surprise!

Further proof

The theory that ‘Idiots are in charge everywhere’ got a big boost from Exeter University this week. The luvvies there went into a meltdown apology after sending out an inspirational quotation by Field Marshall Rommel. Sounds like the vice-chancellor got worried that it would melt all the Snoflakes and deprive him of their 9-grand tuition fees!

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Security for all

Mr. Druncker, the EC president, is making more waves over the post-Brexit Irish border. As he and his mates have been playing the terrorism card shamelessly, and the EU doesn’t want the UK to be part of current policing and security co-operation schemes, the time has come to call their bluff.
    Post-Brexit, no Irish citizens will be allowed to enter the UK on national security grounds, and any living here must leave before the end of March, 2019.
    Let’s see what old Druncker and his mates have to say to that!

Academic BS

‘Stonehenge was built using Pythagoras’ theorem two millennia before he was born’, I read in today’s paper. A couple of ‘experts’ have decided that one incarnation of Stonehenge included a rectangle marked by 4 stones, which forms a perfect Pythagorean triangle when split in half.
    But as the ‘experts’ go on to find perfect 3:4:5 and 5:12:13 triangles in landscape features separated by hundreds of miles, one tends to wonder why they don’t just blame it on ancient astronauts rather than a serious Greek mathematician.

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

Yes, common scum

Visions of Richard Littlejohn wheeling his Port-A-Shrine to the station where the three graffiti vandals (not artists) were killed, loaded with empty aerosols to sell to those creating a memorial for the dead pests. No danger of any of them paying to clean up their messes.

Too cute for words

If the exam board is called something as crass as Eduqas, it comes as no surprise to learn that it bogged up ‘listening’ French and Spanish exams by getting the spoken information out of sequence with the questions.

Isn’t cat logic weird?

They know that pulling a partly open door with a paw will open it wider. But why don’t they just give it a good yank instead of doing just enough to sque-ee-ee-eze through a tiny gap?
    Maybe it’s a feline desire to create a sense of mystery and leave humans thinking at a cat could never have got through that tiny gap.

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

More cloth-eyes!

It said ‘Home Office Minister’ but the light was bad and I read it as ‘Some Office Minister’ at first. Which tends to sum up most of today’s politicians. Most of them are total nonentities of the ‘who he/she/it?’ category.


Don’t you just love it when someone like Laura Bush, wife of George W., sounds off about the children of illegal immigrants being separated from their parents in Texas, only to be told that it was a bill passed when her husband was president that made entering the US illegally a misdemeanour and the separation is what the law demands? And nothing to do with President Trump.

Today’s daft corporate slogan

‘Beyond Office Supplies’ was seen on a van belonging to an outfit called Zen, which was parked on the pavement, delivering supplies to an office. But beyond? I don’t think so.

Monday, 18 June 2018

The infinite, and pointless, spread of diversity for its own sake

Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar with an all-female cast presented as if played by a bunch of convicts! What will the BBC’s next bit of dotty diversity be? Hamlet as played by a bunch of Islamists who are about to go out on a killing spree?

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Consequences? Nah!

One wing of the Glasgow School of Art was wiped out by a fire in 2014. Now, the whole building has been reduced to just a shell as a £35 million restoration was approaching completion.
    Fires at the end of such a project are a known hazard. How many people will get the sack for allowing this one to wreck what was considered one of Glasgow’s iconic buildings? My guess is none.

Fun in Barcelona

The Catalunya MotoGP race was a real demolition derby, with crashes all over the place, Rabat going off into the gravel with his bike on fire! and only 13 finishers. It was a pretty boring win for Lorenzo but the guys behind him did more than their level best to keep the crowd entertained.

Saturday, 16 June 2018

Pointless qualifier

Watching the Eskimos facing up to the Blue Bombers, with lightning thrown in!, we got the inevitable player statistics. Including quarterback sack numbers. But who else, other than a QB, is ever sacked?

Friday, 15 June 2018

Hold the front page? Naaah

Putinstan 5, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia 0. A record home team win for a World Cup opener.
    How much did that cost?

Don’t you just love Thursdays?

What the FK are you doing, you stupid bloody machine?? I have things I need to do.
    Working on updates. 74% completed.
    Do not turn off your computer.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Statistics, and trivial stats

Polluted air in the North of England could be reducing life expectancy by 6 months? B!F!D!

Yes, idiots are everywhere

The things some coppers will say to get themselves noticed! Like the deputy chief con. of S. Yorkshire, who claimed that England football fans who carry a national flag could come across as imperialists and cause antagonism when surrounded by Russia’s state-sponsored football hooligans.
    That’s only England fans who are the imperialists, of course, not the fans of any other nation.

Foreigners are just weird

What does the Spanish FA do when the head coach of their national team is appointed the new boss of Real Madrid? Sack him two days before the team has its first world cup match (against Portugal).

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

A year of significance

The Office for National Statistics has declared that the unemployment rate of 4.2% is the lowest  since records began 47 years ago. Which invites us to ask what was it that happened in 1971 to  make the government suddenly decide to make a guess at the unemployment rate something which it needed to know? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Not a nice man at all

What a slob Patrick Jane, a.k.a. The Mental Case, is. He gets a brand-new couch from the FBI and what does he do? Wipe his mucky boots all over it. The scumbag!

Simplified baking

Mary Berry might chuck all the base ingredients for a cake together in the mixing bowl, but if you’re mixing by hand with a fork, it’s actually easier to incorporate the flour if you mix the butter with the sugar first and then add the flour.
    And if the butter is straight from the fridge, à la Berry, use a knife to chop it into the sugar before you finish the job with a fork.

Monday, 11 June 2018

Ministry of Scumbags

I see the Daily Mail is claiming a victory for its campaign to get a safe haven in the UK for Afghan interpreters who are at risk of being murdered by the Taliban.
    It just a shame that the scumbags at the Ministry of Defence, and the politicians in charge of them, can’t do the decent thing unprompted and without a boot up the backside from a national newspaper.

More to shout about in Texas

The Texas 600 is a swindle as the number is kilometres, not miles. But there was a guy leaping out of a car on fire on lap 7, and the Aussie whinger blew it; unfortunately, taking out another driver on his way to bash the wall. Shame about Wickens being taken out by a ‘racing incident’ with Carpenter. Cudda bin another win in his rookie year. But it was to be Cool-Hand Dixon’s night.

Nothing much to shout about

The shouty bloke on the Sky Sports F1 commentary team had a bit to do on lap one of the Canadian Grand Prix. Then it was back in his box until he tried; and failed miserably; to make the procession seem a bit exciting at the end.

Sunday, 10 June 2018

Turn about is fair play

The SNP reckons putting off holding an independence referendum until they think they can win it would be a good idea. Which means that it would be only fair to give their opponents the right to hold yet another referendum when they think they can win – to make it the best of three.

You live and learn

A Labour MP reckons it’s Dickensian for the Lord Provost of Glasgow to swan around in a Rolls-Royce limo. They had Rolls-Royce cars when Charles Dickens was around, then?

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Why, aye!

The Daily Mail is getting a new editor, who’s called Geordie Greig. What wasn’t explained is whether that’s really his name or he’s notoriously from Newcastle.

Friday, 8 June 2018

The right of reply

Don’t you just wish that when some scumbag journalist yells a cheeky question at a minister in Downing Street that he/she would turn round and yell: “If you’re going to talk like a twat, wear a silly hat.”

Just an offensive affectation

Is it sexist to object to female tennis players shrieking and screaming through their matches? Not at all. It’s biology. Women have higher-pitched voices than men on the whole (that’s real women) and their shrieks are more piercing and would normally be taken as a sign that they’re in deadly danger and in need of help; usually from some big, strong bloke(s). So no wonder they’re upsetting when they’re done just to put the opponent off.

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Belgian doctors are great!

When a woman found herself stuck with a gym contract she couldn’t afford and wouldn’t be likely to use, she got her doctor to write her a sick note to get out of the contract. And when the gym shopped the doctor to his professional association (the equivalent of the GMC here), they ruled that the doctor had acted in the best interests of his patient and had done nothing wrong.
    How brilliant is that!

The bruvvers, united . . .

Has Labour’s Brexit strategy spit the party? No, way! The management of HM’s Opposition has created such a mess that every faction of the party hates what is on offer and the whole party is united in opposition to the mess.

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Cant from Khan

Labour’s mayor of London, the token bus driver’s son, is big on moans about reductions in the police budget. But he never seems to have anything to say about why there isn’t as much cash sloshing around. Probably because he was cheering Gordon bloody Brown (Labour) on when he spent the nation into bankruptcy.

Rights & Merits

Lawyers playing the race card seem to be getting a lot of TV exposure in the coverage of the Grenfell Tower inquiry. There’s a lot about the divide between rich and poor, but not a lot about what the clients of these taxpayer-funded characters have done to deserve the right to pick the pockets of people with more than they have. But that’s how the politics of envy operates.

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Nothing for free

It looks like a brilliant bit of technology in the advert: a watch which is powered by light and never needs to be fed a new battery.
    Except for one thing.
    My watch spends its daytime life up my sleeve, so when would one of the brilliant new ones ever see enough light to charge it up?
    One of my watches is a 1970s Seiko self-winder, for which a gadget to rock it back and forward at night was (may still be) available for those people who don’t move about enough during the day to keep it wound up. Maybe the brilliant new light-powered watch needs to be put next to its own little night light when the owner is asleep to make sure that it has enough juice to keep going through the following day.
    Maybe that’s a brilliant new business available to some entrepreneur: flogging such night lights.

Monday, 4 June 2018

Danger! Pace car driver!

Well, there we all were, lined up to watch the second IndyCar race at Detroit but what happened? The clown in the pace car smashed it into the wall at 70 mph while leading the cars from the pits on to the track for the start. So it was talk among yourselves for 34 minutes while they swept up the bits.
    Whoever made the decision about cautions did a very sensible job during the race. Drivers who managed to unscrew a screw-up were allowed to do it under green-flag racing. Could Mr. Rossi be related to the pace car driver? He certainly blew it big time on laps 64/70 and gifted what looked like his win to RHR.

Sunday, 3 June 2018

Danger! Wildlife!

You’d think all the crowds and the noise would send wild animals in the area looking for cover but not in Italy. A crazy hare (not knowing it’s June not March) did its best to wreck today’s Moto3 race at Mugello by scooting across the track and avoiding the leader’s front wheel by millimetres. Not quite as dramatic as Kornfeil’s save a couple of weeks ago, but getting there!

Saturday, 2 June 2018

Nothing new under the sun

What would the film world do without Jaws? There are tons of films in which the shark is replaced by tornadoes, a swarm of piranhas, a volcanic eruption and GKW. Which leaves me wondering: Which film’s plot did Jaws rip off? Answers on a PC to the usual address.


I’ve heard of five of the Vogue list of the world’s 25 most influential women. Is this a record?
p.s. Two of them because of whom they’re married to.

Friday, 1 June 2018

There are idiots everywhere, unfortunately.

There’s some idiot Quick Crossword setter who thinks the answer to Treacle (6,5) is Golden Syrup. Obviously an idiot who doesn’t know that treacle is dark enough brown to look black and it comes in red tins, whereas golden syrup is a golden yellow colour and its tins are green.

No, it isn’t fair

Why is it okay for women to ogle half-naked men and not vice versa? Because wimmin think the rules are different for them and they will be for as long as men let them get away with their sexism. Maybe they should be renamed the unfair sex.