Wednesday, 28 February 2018

A Suspension Too Far?

There was an episode of the FBI/CSI TV series Bones on last night in which Agent Thug-Boy Booth fought a war with three rogue Delta force agents in his home. It involved explosions and shooting off millions of rounds of pistol, sub-machinegun and shotgun ammo.
    And not a single siren to be heard. No one called the cops? If only to complain about the noise?

Data Destruction Act

Is Max Moseley worried about the stuff the Daily Mail is digging up about him? Probably not, if he expects to be able to have it all wiped out of existence when the edit-the-past edicts he’s pushing for become law courtesy of a future Labour government.

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

New on the menu #4

Eggs Gordon Brown – The portions are tiny, badly prepared and vastly overpriced, and there’s a huge stealth service charge added to every bill.

Eggs Jeremy Corbyn – You spend forty years waiting for your meal, then the waiter comes to your table and tells you the restaurant has gone vegan, so no eggs.

The way of all flesh

Corbyn sells out! Ditches what he has spent years claiming were principles, proving he’s just another political crook like Tony B. Liar and all the rest. Surprise!!

Silent amusement

Watching adverts with the sound off can lead to pleasing mysteries unfolding. Like: some guy goes into a shop, the assistant gives him the unhelpful routine, he reaches for a free sample and the counter punches his lights out.
    Something to do with a product called DollarShave. Definitely one to avoid.

Monday, 26 February 2018

New on the menu #3

Eggs Chirac – The posh French restaurant collects a massive subsidy from the European Union and the owner, an elected official of the state, is claiming the entire food bill for the restaurant on his official expenses as ‘household expenses’.

Eggs Tony Blair – What you think are eggs are really genetically modified laboratory specimens, which have never been near a hen, and the bastard who supplies the crap made enough money out of it to buy a seat in the House of Lords before the roof fell in on New Labour’s sleaze department.

180 degrees out

We were told there would be a massacre by England when they went to Scotland for a 6-nations rugby match at the weekend. Given the success rate of ‘experts’, no surprise that the Scots kicked their arses!

Sunday, 25 February 2018

New on the menu #2

Eggs George Bush – By the time you’ve filled in all the booking forms, and negotiated the security checks and the arrogant, pushy staff on the restaurant’s door, you’ve lost your appetite and probably also the will to live.

Eggs bin Laden – The plate explodes 5 seconds after it reaches your table and you don’t have to pay for the meal.

What goes around . . .

Wouldn’t it be great if all the politicians who are being holier than everyone in the charity sector had to sign a Declaration of Personal Good Conduct before being able to open their mouth? And be turfed out on their ear without a right of appeal if a skeleton fell out of their closet?

Saturday, 24 February 2018

New on the menu #1

Eggs Benedict Arnold – Your waiter feels underpaid and passed over for promotion, so he defects to another restaurant, leaving you sitting at your table like a lemon.

Eggs Baader-Meinhof – Your waiter is kidnapped, held to ransom and shot, so you never actually get your meal.

Things To Come No. 42

Of course, it’s obvious where all this MeeToo stuff is going. Anyone who hasn’t been accused of half a dozen crimes against humanity will soon find himself being asked: “Why not? What’s wrong with you?”

Friday, 23 February 2018

This is the REAL word of the year

Paradoxy (nf) – a MeToo in a slag frock with her bits on show.

There is no barrier really

No need to panic; there’s no actual barrier at £150/year for the TV licence fee to crash through. Just as there was no barrier at £100/year and there will be no barrier at £200/year when it gets there.

Thursday, 22 February 2018

Got his number

If the Czech spy archives are inspected closely enough, J. Corbyn has to be listed as a binary idiot; useful if there’s some genocide to be dismissed as trivial, useless when it comes to supplying information worth knowing.

Do what you’re qualified to do

50% of Millennials think our PM during WW I was Winston Churchill. Another 10% think it was Margaret Thatcher. But hey, that’s no great handicap to doing most jobs and getting through life. It just leaves them unqualified to vote. Which is probably why Labour is trying to sneak the voting age down to about 12.

It can’t come naturally

Is there a training school for the commentators who do the breathless yelps at sporting events in an attempt to make viewers thinks that something exciting is happening even though the viewer is on the point of yawning?

Pots & Kettles, come away!

It’s all very well for MPs to summon the bosses of Oxfam for some ritual public humiliation, but when it comes to moral authority and probity, the House of Common Criminals is not exactly the place you’d look for it.

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

And dafter . . .

The new head of the Financial Conduct Authority had to cough up over one-hundred grand to the Income Tax over a dodgy tax-avoidance scheme. That’s sure to send the right message to the spivs in the money business.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get dafter . . .

Nutters contacting the police because their local KFC outlet doesn’t have any chicken? Welcome to Snoflake World.

Tuesday, 20 February 2018

We’re all gonna die!!

Daft stories from the EU No. 993: Following Brexit, when the UK is no longer subject to the silly rules that the EU’s pillocracy dreams up, everyone in Britain will get cancer.


Oh, dear. The Prime Minister wants to give the chop to public funding for degree courses in weird non-academic subjects, which no one thinks are worth the paper they’re written on. That should make her popular with luvvies and members of The Blob.

Monday, 19 February 2018

Labour is at it again

The Labour party is pretending to be a jolly fun outfit as it plots its strategy for the next general election. But the same messages are coming out, like: “We live in an unfair society.” Translation: ‘I want someone else to pay my way.’

Not a credible threat?

You can see the Florida FBI’s point to some extent. A disruptive kid says he’s going to be a professional school shooter. But who’s going to pay him to do something like that so that he can claim professional status?

History unfolding

We watched a recording of the Super Bowl highlights again last night, and the Eagles won again, which was great to watch. The biggest cheer of the night came when the defence sacked Brady in the last few minutes of the 4th quarter, setting up the historic win. Sometimes, the good guys do win.

Sunday, 18 February 2018

Real life, actually

One of the staff has come across a cache of Biggles books (by Captain W.E. Johns), which are sold as children’s books. But the one he’s reading, Biggles In France contains aerial warfare advice from Baron von Richthofen to the effect that: 'When attacking two-seaters, kill the gunner first'. Maybe kids in 1935, when the collection was first published, could handle that. But modern Millennial Snowflakes? It’s unlikely.

Not guilty

A homeless man died of cold, allegedly, near the Houses of Parliament. What does that say of us as a society? the worthies ask.
    Well, as the guy was Portuguese, the question is being asked a tad north of where it should be asked. And the rest of us are entitled to know why he was being homeless in London when he should have been doing it in his own country.

Shocking BBC bias!!

There’s Newsnight and Newsday on the BBC New Channel. How come they don’t have Newsmorning, Newsafternoon and Newsevening?

Saturday, 17 February 2018

The Tower for you!

How treasonable is it to think that Meghan is looking like the girl who will put the uggy in huggy?

Interesting question

Are all the Eurocraps in Brussels going to have to take a pay cut post Brexit as they will be messing just 27 countries about rather than 28 and they will have lost one of the handful which actually puts cash into the pot?

Why, then?

The American government has charged 13 individual Russians and 3 Russian companies with spending millions of dollars between 2014 & 2016 on trying to rig the outcome of the last presidential election in the United States. But if, as the Deputy Attorney General would have us believe, the Russians had absolutely no effect at all on the outcome, what was the point of his department’s thrashing about?

Friday, 16 February 2018


The FBI is getting the blame for the latest episode of a loser shooting up his old school, but what could the Feds have done before the event? Without having gangs of ambulance-chasing lawyers accusing them of harassing someone who hadn’t committed a crime. (Yet.)
    If people kill people, not guns, then the blame belongs to the politicians who let people with no sense of responsibility have guns.

Thursday, 15 February 2018

They were told where to stick it

It was said at the time that it was all very well for the EU’s Bad Faith Department to threaten to insert a punishment clause into its draft of the Brexit transition agreement, but everyone would know that it was just a silly gesture because the UK would never go along with it. Now, some of the EU governments have told the Barnier Bunch to stop twatting about and forget playing gangsters. And not before time.

We need to be told

Aussie fugitive from the law J. Assange is described as smelling like a dead badger. But what proof can the informant offer that (s)he actually knows what a dead badger smells like?

Of course, he’s there

Okay, Jeremy Corbyn is in the files of the Czech STB as a useful idiot. He’s probably in the KGB files under the same heading and the Russians were glad to let one of their minions smooge him.

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Discharitable gesture

You sign up to front for a charity at posh dos for free or peanuts, and it just goes on and on with no obvious way out. Oh, the relief when you can quit in a shower of indignation after a few employees behave badly.

Tuesday, 13 February 2018

A fair question

“How do you feel at 11 a.m.?” the Daily Mail’s medical experts asked yesterday.
    In my case, ready to get out of bed!

From Bad to Farce

You do get the feeling that the usual suspects are trying to over-egg the pudding when they include allegations made against customers in Oxfam shops in their global sex-crime crime-sheet.

Not so much ‘you can’t win’ as ‘you’re not supposed to win’

Does stop & search by the police work in a community full of knife-carrying criminals when people who don’t class themselves as criminals carry a knife to protect themselves against the knife-carrying criminals, whom the police are not allowed to disarm in case stopping and searching people for a knife upsets the community?

Monday, 12 February 2018

Useful Presidents of the United States of America

No. 44: Barcode Obama


What the government needs to tell the management of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland is that for every branch they close, their pay will go down by 2% and their bonuses by 5%. That should put matters into their proper perspective.

Storm in a something smaller than a teaspoon

Some blokes working for Oxfam in a country which had been shattered by a earthquake chose to get away from it all with a few wild parties. Which probably put a fair bit of much-needed cash into the local economy. And now the Black-Affronted Tendency has a new excuse to wibble. Oh, well, it will all die down soon enough and nothing will change.

Sunday, 11 February 2018

Putting honesty into Brexit forecasting

Here’s a brilliant idea for making cash from Brexit. Every firm which claims it will lose money as a result of Brexit should be required to put a cash figure on its anticipated losses. And if the firm fails to show this loss in a subsequent audit, it should be taxed appropriately to ensure that the predicted loss occurs.

The first casualty of war . . .

Mad Mandy in the Sunday Post seems to be in all-out war with the McLeod to be nominated for the World’s Worst Propagandist 2018 title. The art of propaganda lies in dressing up the lies in clothes that look like knock-offs of the truth. Mandy isn’t trying any more in her efforts to out-Donald the McLeod. But if she does win her newspaper’s nomination, will they let her out of the looney bin on Award Day?

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Inconvenient truth

A good 6 months before the British people voted in the EU membership referendum, the then prime minister, David Cameron, told them that the result would be respected.  He added that if the result was a vote to leave, then that is what would happen and there would not be another renegotiation and another referendum.
    Something to remember when George Soros does a Putin and sticks his nose into our affairs and the Remoaners try to pretend that they have a mandate for a second referendum.

Tell them where to stick it

Yes, the EU can put a punishment clause into its draft of the Brexit transition agreement, but everyone will know that it is just a silly gesture of bad faith because the UK will reject the clause.

Nope, you’re wrong

No, M. Henin, depriving terrorists of the rights enjoyed by decent people doesn’t turn them into victims. It just levels the playing field somewhat.

Friday, 9 February 2018

Everything is connected

This week’s bunch of experts has connected air pollution and crime rates. How long will it be before the cheerleaders for man-made global warming jump on this bandwagon? Cool the world and make everyone moral and decent. (Apart from politicians and other usual suspects, of course.)

Enemies of the state!

Those robots which buy and sell shares have really got it in for the United States. Two panics causing drops in the Dow Jones of 5% in the same week? I bet President Putin and Mr. Kim are green with envy at this carnage.

Thursday, 8 February 2018

Not of this Earth

The Boy Beckham and his fragrant missus have a peculiar notion of what constitutes a tree house. Sorry, but a small barn on stilts build up against a large tree don’t qualify.

Institutional Sex Bias

The Advertising Standards Authority has ruled that men can be used as sex objects in TV adverts but women can’t. Why? Because men have senses of humour and proportion, and women don’t.

Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Today’s hot rumour . . .

. . . is that the Americans are going to make Guantanamo Bay more user-friendly by renaming it Obama Bay.

Fair’s fair

If it is so socially desirable to correct the past by issuing pardons to the dead, why does the opposite never happen? Why do dead people who deserve them never receive posthumous convictions?

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

Other Consequences

The Prime Minister has confirmed that the UK will be leaving the current customs union with the EU on Brexit and we will not be going into the Chinese copy demanded by the Bremoaners. As a result, Eurobureaucraps are saying that trade barriers will be unavoidable.
    That should make them very popular with Europeans firms trying to sell goods to the UK.

Progress, but not as we know it, Jim

Spend a grand on an Apple iPhone and what do you get? Something that does nearly everything except answer incoming calls fast enough to prevent people from thinking the phone is switched off.

Monday, 5 February 2018

Good ways to upset vegan bigots

Showing them a video of a chicken dancing to a rap song works a treat. Something even simpler is to have a ham and cheese sandwich handy to wave around.

What a GREAT Super Bowl

After enduring the shameful collapse of the Atlanta Falcons last year, it was good to see the Philadelphia Eagles stick it to Armstrong Athletic and hang on to win their first ever championship and become World Champions of the USA! Super Bowl 52 was one of the rare ones which can truly be called a great match.

WE have to put up with them

According to the dippy home secretary, British civil servants are respected around the world. How strange that they have such a low standing in their own country. Or not so strange, if former heads of the civil service are lining up to accuse Bremainers of being fascists.

Sunday, 4 February 2018

When you don't get your own way, play the race card

An association of doctors of Indian origin is using direct racialism to try to reverse the striking off of a doctor of Nigerian origin whose failures let a young boy die. Where’s the virtue in that?

Jargon Excess

Why do we need to be told that a thermal sensor is a FLIR device? It’s a gadget which measures incoming infrared radiation, and provides temperature readings. That FL stands for ‘forward looking’ and it’s the source of the why?
    If it were sideways looking, upward or downward looking or even backward looking, the gadget would be no good for reporting the temperature directly in front of the user. So why specify ‘forward looking’ when it's an obvious given?

Default position

At one time, there were the Great and the Good. Now, we have to start with the assumption that everyone running a public body or institution, e.g. an art gallery, is a complete idiot unless there is strong evidence to the contrary available. Which is quite sad and anti-evolutionary.

Saturday, 3 February 2018

It’s much too hard

Even Fortherington-Thomas, the constant target of derision from Molesworth, could do poetry. But it’s too tough for today’s fragile snowflake ‘school students’ to handle. So they want it removed from exams to make them easier to pass.

Fist politics

The encounter between Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP, and some lefty scum at Bristol University is instructive. It shows that when confronted with someone who is prepared to talk to them, the response of the scum is to start a scrum.

Reality bite

The Daily Mail is running a campaign to get spending on treating prostate cancer the same as spending on breast cancer in the name of equality. But how are they going to pay for it? Take the money from somewhere else? Or put the cash for both treatments and research programmes into a big pot and split it 50-50? That will be popular!

Friday, 2 February 2018

Curious conclusion

Mr. Osborne, convicted of the Finsbury Park mosque massacre attempt, got 43 years in gaol. Why 43? Why not 40, or 45, or even 50? Are we expected to assume that there is some precise calculation involved? If so, who not shove in a spurious decimal point to make that evident?
    No surprise that Call Me Dave, the alleged driver, got away.

Wonderful idea

Sheer brilliance, the idea of using the much abused overseas aid budget to pay NHS hospital parking charges. And if politicians can swear blind that up is down, then making it happen will be a real doddle for them.

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Hard cheese, guys!

Shame about the Bremoaners. They’re like a gang of junkies who can see the day when the supply of their drug of choice runs out looming large, and they’re going crazy with pre-withdrawal symptoms.

Public service

Where do companies like Virgin Media look for the mind-bogglingly obtuse people, with whom they staff their customer relations departments? If we knew, maybe we could get it bombed out of existence.
    Next up, where the civil service gets its CR bods.