Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Sky Sports couldn’t run a whelk stall

Some strong language flying last evening. A TV box set to record some American football highlights was full of pointless repeats because Sky Sports had just discarded the advertised schedule for no good reason. So if there are any ears burning at Sky Sports, they belong to the “effin useless bastards”.

Monday, 30 December 2013

A year’s weather in a day?

We’ve had a bit of almost everything today – gales, heavy rain and some quite spring-like sun. Will it be snowing by evening? I ask myself.

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Job Done!

The chef has been threatening for weeks to unleash his secret recipe which, he assured us, will make sprouts the highlight of the Xmas mega-lunch. And, by golly, he managed it. People took a very cautious helping with all the turkey, goose and trimmings, and they were back for seconds. Will the super-sprout recipe be the HUGE success story of 2014?

Tuesday, 24 December 2013


Given the dire warnings about weather, we’re in what is probably an unnecessary state of siege at the Mansion. Anything that could be picked up and blown around by the wind has been tided away, we have a mass of food and drink and we even have enough emergency generating power in our personal power plant to withstand disconnection from the national grid for a few months. And we’re on too high ground to be troubled by floods. If you’re going to be ready for anything, it’s always better to be over-prepared. Merry Xmas. Or as merry as you can manage.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Keeping his word

Simon Hughes (Liberal-Democrat) vowed last year that he wouldn't take another government job. Suddenly, he's Justice Minister. Nice to see a person of such integrity in such a responsible job.

Such sensitivity

There’s an interesting argument in today’s Daily Disaster. The police on the scene didn’t gun down the murderers of Fusilier Lee Rigby because they were afraid of another police-involved killing inquiry and they were afraid that it would give the Moslem community in Woolwich an excuse to riot.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

No continuity

Apparently, people are tipping tradespeople less and less. But a lot of that has to do with never meeting them, like the binmen who rush around with wheeled bins at the front rather than banging dustbins back to your back yard. And postmen. Most of my minions report that it seems to be someone different at every delivery. So if the tradesmen don’t get a tip, it’s because no one knows who they are.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Global warming strikes again!

The Earth’s magnetic poles are famous for wandering about and causing problems for navigators. And they have become yet another victim of the Great Global Warming Swindle. Melting and re-freezing of Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets causes the planet to wobble slightly as it rotates on its axis, and the wobbles cause the position of the magnetic pole to move. Increased melting caused by global warming is being blamed for making the magnetic poles move around more than usual. Of course, everyone knows that global warming stopped in 1998. But hey, why let a few facts get in the way of a good tale?

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Total waste of time

Everyone seems to be complaining about the amount of taxpayers’ cash the BBC has thrown at its Mandelamania campaign. But the point is, will anyone get the sack for misconduct in office? As the answer to that is always going to be a resounding NO!, it’s all sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Friday, 13 December 2013

What do we have to frighten us today?

According to some fun guys in Denmark, the universe could suddenly get super-dense and collapse into a “small, super-hot and heavy ball.” Higgs bosons are at the back of it. So make sure you enjoy your Xmas. It could be your last!!

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Direct Action needed

After going bust through dealing with packages of unaffordable mortgages, and swindling customers out of billions with dodgy PPI insurance, Lloyds Bank has been fined £28 million for swindling even more customers with worthless investments. Which suggests that what we as a nation need to do is round up everyone who was on the board of a major bank, or in top management, from 2005 on, export them to Romania and make them live in a hovel at their own expense for 5 years. It might not reform them but at least it would give the British public a rest from their criminal activities, which seem to have no consequences for them. And anyone who pleads innocence should be informed that he or she is guilty of consorting with criminals, and aiding and abetting them, and just as guilty.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Am I surprised? Nope!

I’ve often suspected that the people who are superimposed at the edge of a BBC News picture are just waving their arms around rather than doing real sign language. And it turns out that the bloke who was on the stage while the world’s leaders were performing for the Mandelafest at the World Cup stadium was doing just that: messing about and keeping his face straight.

Monday, 9 December 2013

One rule for them, another for the rest of us

I’ve just been reading in the Daily Disaster about a woman who has prevented her husband from seeing their daughter for 12 years despite 82 court orders demanding that he be given access. So why isn’t she in gaol for contempt of court? Or doesn’t that apply to women?

Saturday, 7 December 2013

They had it coming!

You have to wonder about the mentality of a gang of thieves, who stole a truck containing radioactive waste from a hospital, and took the radioactive stuff out of its protective casing, exposing themselves to its deadly rays enough to need hospital treatment. Still, if they were glowing in the dark, it must have made it easy for the police to arrest them. Assuming anyone was brave enough to get close enough to put handcuffs on them!

Friday, 6 December 2013

It makes you think!

No apologies for swiping this from my favourite website: “Wiseguys in the meeja are fond of asking Cameron ‘n’ Clegg if they’ve ever taken drugs, but they never ask the same question of Red Ed Milipede. Does that mean they assume he has to be on something to be the way he is?”

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Hardly worth the effort

I read with interest that some American genius has designed a DIY cellphone with a wooden chassis, which can be built for $200. Which seems like rather a lot of wasted effort when you realize that second-hand phones are available on eBay for ten quid!

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Should cause some trouble!

I was watching some American football on 4 on Demand and time was running out in the first half. So a coach called a time out. And I wondered why they don’t let change the rules to let the opposing coach call “time back in again” by sacrificing one of his time-outs? It would cause a lot of frustration and crazy plays at the end of a close match. Just a thought.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Not good enough

Ed Balls’ latest revelation to the nation is that he has never taken drugs. To which the automatic response is: “Prove it, you blighter!” Because this shifty politician's record for telling the truth, which is there for all to see, is such that no one in his right mind would take his unsupported word for anything.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

What were they up to?

A thing I find odd is that no one has said what that police helicopter was doing before it fell on the pub in Glasgow. We see them occasionally in our area, and they always seem to be swanning around fairly aimlessly. I now feel like petitioning our local police chief to make the Estate a no-fly zone.