Saturday, 30 May 2015

Cheap talk, weasel words

Andy “Disaster Zone” Burnham’s promise to throw the kitchen sink at the Tories has been viewed as a cheap dig at failed Labour leader Eddie “Two Kitchens” Miliband. But it’s one which could come back to bite his ass, given Burnham’s own inclination for collecting kitchens. It was at least 3 at the last count: his main constituency home, his rented Parliamentary second home in London, which costs the taxpayer £1,500/month, and his nest-egg flat just a short stagger away, which he rents out for about £1,600/month.

Merkel’s mood music

British prime minister Dave “the Leader” Cameron visited Germany as part of his charm offensive ahead of a possible Brexit from the European Union. Chancellor Merkel told him:
    “When you are convinced of an idea, you cannot say that treaty change is totally impossible.”
Translation: “Dream on, Dave, we’re going to obstruct every move you make and, for all practical purposes, you’ll be banging your head against totally impossible.”

FIFA settles for second best

There’s a rumour going round that FIFA wanted Tony Blair for their next president but they had to settle for more Blatter. If you want to get started on a boycott of FIFA’s sponsors, the list starts with VISA, Coca-Cola, Hyundai, Nike, McDonald’s, Adidas and the dreaded Budweiser.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Poison Pill

Andy Burnham was health secretary during the period when patients were dying unnecessarily at Stafford Hospital and elsewhere thanks to New Labour’s policies, and boss of the Treasury when the economy went haywire in 2007/08 as a product of Gordon Brown’s financial policies. Sounds like he’s just the bloke to be the next Labour party leader!

Fabius, King of Twaddle

According to Laurent Fabius, the French foreign minister, “Britain joined a football club. They can’t now say in the middle of the match that they want to play rugby. It’s one or the other.”
    Total bollocks, of course. Britain joined the European Economic Community in 1973. What we are in now, 40 years later, is nothing like the old EEC. It’s certainly not the “football” it started off as, to use Mr. Fabius’ analogy. The guy is clearly talking out of his backside. But, hey! He’s a politician. And a French one.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Good News! There’s another James Bond book on the way

    “What-cha doin’ there, boy?” James Bond asked as he waddled out of the processing shed of the family chicken factory, brushing futilely at the grease stains on his once-white suit.
    “Mr Bond, the world needs saving again,” said the messenger.
    “Shoot!” said Bond. “Who’s that landing an airyplane on my private driveway?”
    “That’s Miss Pussy Galore, sir,” said the messenger. “She’s been revived for your latest mission.”
    James Bond’s fleshy features flowed into a radiant smile as he spotted the walking frame, which had deployed at the foot of the private jet’s steps. He watched a fragile yet intensely feminine figure totter down the steps and detach the walking frame, realizing what had been missing from his life for so long.

Could this be an extract from Trigger Mortis by Anthony Horowitz? Will he make Bond black to satisfy Hollywood? Will he do the same to Pussy Galore? Only time will tell.

Why does FIFA belong to the United States all of a sudden?

Apparently, officers of the Swiss-based organization have been using US banks in New York for their alleged nefarious going on and holding meetings there. which gives the FBI jurisdiction. Also, the Confederation of North, Central America and Carribean Association Football, which is linked to FIFA and to which most of the handcuffed honchos belong, is based in Miami. So the Feds have a double reason for getting the hump.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

And your point is?

The trial of a City trader accused of rigging the Japanese Libor inter-bank lending rate has been told that he was motivated by greed. So if he’d just been motivated by a desire to make money for his employer by cheating other people, would he have been let off?

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Sounds fair to me

Wouldn’t it be great if the wiseguy who tried to get a bakery run by Catholics to make a gay marriage cake, were forced to go to a Moslem bakery and demand a cake with a picture of the prophet Mohammed on it? And wouldn’t it be even greater if the judge, who ruled that the wiseguy’s ’uman rights are more important than anyone else’s, were forced to go with him to explain to the Moslem baker that if he didn’t make the cake, he’d go to gaol?

Monday, 25 May 2015

Much better show

The Indianapolis 500 knocked the Monaco GP into the proverbial cocked hat. An introduction from the commander of the ISS, some crashes along the way and a thrilling finish with Montoya showing Win Jer, the awful Aussie, who’s boss. Great stuff!

Pointless misery

Ed Miliband is reported to have spent a lot of his post-election holiday in Ibiza worrying about protecting his legacy. Really? What legacy would that be, Ed?

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Tainted victory

Anyone can get 3 consecutive wins at Monaco if your team is prepared to screw your team mate.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Do we really want Shaker Aamer?

He’s a Saudi citizen, he’s been in Guantanamo Bay as an illegal combatant for 13 years, suspected of financing terrorism and being a bin Laden buddy, the usual suspects are agitating for his release and the US is happy to send him back to Saudia but not to Britain.
    So what’s wrong with Mr. Aamer going to Saudia, where his family can join him, and reducing our unwanted migrant problem?

Friday, 22 May 2015

We should be told

Why are jihadi terrorists in Syria so keen on marrying British teenage girls? Is it because they don’t fancy the local talent? Or are they hoping to get a British passport out of the deal and a retirement on benefits here, courtesy of the British taxpayer?

Typical politician on any topic

“Yeah, we shouldn’t be frightened of a debate. Let’s do what we usually do. Let’s ask the people what they think and then ignore them.”

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Oh, yes, sure!

No one would want to see a newspaper’s viability threatened, said a Hacked Toffs mouthpiece. Strange that applies only to the lefty Mirror group, which has been hacking vigorously for 10 years, and not to the News of the Screws, which went bump.

On being bulletproof

● Why have the police failed to arrest the banksters at Barclays and RBS, who earned their respective banks fines adding up to £2 BILLION for recent swindles?
● Why has the CPS failed to get them gaoled and their assets stripped as proceeds of crime?
● Why are they getting this protection?
    Just think, if you were a paedophile and a bankster, you could get away with absolutely anything.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Not much of a night out?
    20th May 2015

The Daily Disaster is offering a deal to go and see Sinatra at the London Palladium. But as he’s dead, will it be like a visit to Lenin’s tomb? Everyone lines up and files past a coffin containing a mummy?

Monday, 18 May 2015

Typical deluded Labourite

Stephen Kinnock, MP son of the parasitic and hardly decorative Lord Pillock, thinks the Labour party invented social mobility. Total bollocks, of course. It has been going on for millennia. History is full of stories of people who started with nothing and achieved huge success.

A very silly film and impossible to take seriously

I watched The Hunger Games on Channel 4 at the weekend. The plot, such as it is, concerns a weird, North Korean-style society, which is divided into 12 districts. Every year, 2 young people are chosen from each district; a boy and a girl; and put into a game of murder, in which very young children and fairly mature teenagers are supposed to keep killing one another for the delectation of a mass TV audience until there's only one survivor. This is the revenge of the metropolitan upper classes on the peasants for daring to stage an uprising 3 generations previously.
    If it had been called Monty Python and the Hunger Games, it might have worked better; as long as the makers specified that it was a clinically insane version of Monty Python. Terry Jones would have been very good as the pink-frocked female impersonator, who presided over choosing our young heroine and our young hero for the “games”. And Eric Idle at his most smarmy would have been an idea choice for the Parkinson who did the TV interviews with the contestants. And the other Pythons would have really enjoyed camping around in the silly outfits and fright wigs.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Why was the Poll Tax so hated in Scotland?

Was it because everyone was obliged to make a purely nominal contribution to the running costs of their locality (purely nominal compared to the amount of cash which councils receive from central government), and having to do that really upset the socialist scroungers in Scotland, who think everyone else should pay their way?

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Be careful what you wish for

For a decade, the Grauniadistas have been battling to get their hands on the text of letters written by Prince Charles to ministers of the Tony B. Liar regime. Now, they have been made public.
    The first surprise is that they are typewritten, not hand-scrawled in a black-spider script as theGuardian has led us to believe. And shock, horror! They fail to show that Prince Charles is a bullying meddler, who threatens to duff up intransigent politicians.
    On the contrary, the letters contain thoughtful, well-researched and entirely rational comments on matters of the day. Today is truly a bad day for theGrauniad.

Parliamentary imbalance

An analysis of the sexuality of the current crop of British MPs has revealed that 5% of them are homophiles, which means that this persuasion is now over-represented. The only solution available involves de-selection of a number of them which is sufficient to reach a more representative level  in the House of Commons, and by-elections with non-homophile candidates to replace them.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

How big a body count?

The Timothy McVeigh Appreciation Society’s members think they have a divine right to get themselves noticed by defacing war memorials, rioting, and looting & burning their local convenience store. They think violence is the way to tell the British electorate they got the result wrong at the last general election when they elected a Tory government, and the whole things needs to be re-run until it delivers the result the lefty loonies want. Which raises a pertinent question.
    If the small stuff doesn’t produce a re-run of the election, what comes next? Blowing up trains and buses? Crashing aircraft into tall buildings? Putting anthrax into a large building’s air conditioning system? Putting a lethal biological agent into the water supply of a large city?
    Just how many people do the lefty lunatics think they’ll have to kill to get their way?

Memo to Dave the Leader:

You might want to ditch that tired cliché about being the party for working people and substitute “people who want to work”, which includes those who don’t have a job but are looking for one, and people who are in training or getting an education to enable them to get a job.

Monday, 11 May 2015

Giving Dave black looks won’t work, lady

Nicola Sturgeon says the concessions to Scotland, offered as the independence referendum approached last year, don’t go far enough. But if Dave the Leader disagrees, what’s she going to do. What can she do? It’s not as if she’s a Westminster MP and able to give him black stares across the divide between the green benches. She’s still a moderate-size fish in a small pond, by her own choice, and a long way away from the real seat of power in Britain.

Something for the supporters of PR and AV to ponder upon

Neither proportional representation nor alternative voting would have got rid of Michael Portillo, Ed Balls or Jim Murphy – they’d all have been at the top of the list with the rest of the favoured ones.

How very Europeon of them

The Scottish National Socialists are clearly at one with the EU when it comes to referendums. If the electorate doesn’t get it right the first time around, as for the Irish ratification of the Lisbon treaty, do it again and again until the useless electorate votes for independence, or whatever.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

Great idea; not!

According to the BBC TV news this morning, the Scots raise 3% less tax per head than in England and spend 15% per head more. So gaining full financial control for the Scottish parliament is likely to give them a few headaches. Especially if the parliament in England refuses to guarantee their debts.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Gang warfare

There are some who embrace the EU because being prt of a big street gang gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling of protection against the other big street gangs in the world; the US, Russia, China, India, etc. And there are others who see the EU gang for what it is. You have to wear the gang colours, so no more national identities, just the grey, harmonized, homogenized EU identity.
    And then there are the gang dues. Open you wallet and say the magic words: “Help yourself” to the EU bosses. And talking of those bosses; don’t expect any say in electing them. They’re not elected, they just take their turns at different spots at the troughside at the behest of other EU bosses.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Why did the pollsters get it so wrong?

Simple. People played their cards close to their chest. Instead of saying they planned to vote Conservative, they said they were undecided. Result: egg on the face of the pollsters because they weren’t allowed to water-board their customers.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Reward for blind faith

There’s a rumour going around that if Red Ed gets to be prime minister, he’ll show us what’s on the other side of his 8-foot, £30K tombstone!

Believe this and you’ll believe anything

Going into polling day, do 25% of the electorate really not know which party they’ll support? Or is it just that people are saying what they think will nark intrusive pollsters? I know what I believe.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Anyone left?

The political parties seem to be busy suspending crazies in their ranks, like the UKIP guy who wanted to shoot an opponent and the SNP rent-a-mob instigators, who confronted the leader of Scottish Labour yesterday. Pity Labour can’t bring themselves to do something about the real crazies, like Moses Miliband and the Balls Monster.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015


Throwing the world’s biggest tarpaulin over New Labour’s crimes against humanity, and distributing a few hundred tons of sawdust to mop up all the blood shed by New Labour’s policies, are we seriously contemplating installing as the next prime minister, the man who wished upon an ungrateful nation the Miliband Spinal Tap Tombstone?
    And only six commandments? What an effin cheapskate Red Ed is! And the content of the commandments – total drivel.
    Is this clot Miliband really any sort of choice for prime minister?

Monday, 4 May 2015

We know who to blame

If you don’t vote, you’re not entitled to moan about the government you get. And if you vote Labour, it’s your fault if Miliband and Balls carry on wrecking the economy, as they did when they were Gordon Brown’s financial gurus.

Make that Risible Ed as well as Red Ed!

Ed Milipede unveils his 6 commandments on a stone tablet! What planet is he from? Or is this proof that his spin doctors are in competition to find out who can make him look the biggest idiot?

Saturday, 2 May 2015

The burning question

Will the nation vote for sanity/ Or will inflict on us, Red Ed in the pocket of Wee Burney, Queen of Scots?

Friday, 1 May 2015

Words of Wisdom

Something to remember for the last week of the election campaign:
“Like all politicians, they’ll say whatever it takes to get what they want.”