Scamotage

Those bl’Indians are still at it. “This is Mary,” says a voice with distinct Indian accent. “Am I speaking with Mr. Halloran?” He was the previous occupant of the Mansion but you don’t complicate things by denying it. Then she’s off into a spiel about how she’s a MicroSoft certified computer expert and your computer is downloading buckets of malicious software from internet, which is going to destroy all your data.
   When you tell her you’ve got an antivirus program to detect malware and a firewall, she takes no bloody notice and insists you switch on your computer so she can direct you to some perfectly normal part of the data logging system, which she insists is proof that your PC has more nasties than you can shake a stick at.
   If I’ve got nothing much to do, I generally mess the bl’Indian about with questions about where the bad stuff is coming from and protests about my data being stored on-line and checked constantly to make sure nothing terrible is happening to it. You can also give them a hard time about not showing a number to the caller ID system, which any reputable company is legally bound to do if it wants to operate in the UK.
   Another good way to waste the bl’Indian’s time is to ask them to explain how they know your computer is downloading nasties – which program is sending reports to them despite an expensive firewall. Then you can tell them you’ve been on holiday for a month so your computer hasn’t been doing anything so what makes the bl’Indian think it has?
   Then there are the excuses for not switching your PC on. A neighbour’s using it because I’ve got the fastest broadband in the street. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and we don’t believe in computers. The motherboard went and you’re waiting for them to get you a new one. If the bl’Indian gets away with having less than 10 minutes of his/her time wasted, you’re not trying!

Irwin