Read you way to health

Reading a newspaper makes people informed and promotes good health and a longer life, the Daily Disaster was overjoyed to report. The experts reckon other benefits on offer include a better memory and attention span, and better problem solving.

Was the job of the police

The Reform-led Essex county council is putting private security guards on the streets of towns where illegals are bussed from their camp to spend our money. The safety officers will move them on, especially if the illegals are masked, before they can cause trouble.

All change

Henry and Rachel Sussex have removed their 2 kids from their first choice of school in England and they are trying out another. They are believed to be worried about people taking pictures of the faces of the kids, rather than the backs of their heads, during the school run.

More grabbing

Labour plans to move road building into the private sector. New roads will charge tolls for their use and the taxes creamed off by the government will help Labour to buy even more benefit votes.
● Existing roads which are upgraded will also be moved into the sector.

Human shield

There is no need to worry about A.I killing off humanity. We have an unbreakable guard rail – a strong and smart President of the Untied States – President $thump.
    But 2 years from now, when his term of office ends, we’re all doomed! Unless the Yanks give him another term?

Bought and paid for

Labour is jumping up and down and yelling about the millions donated to Reform UK in the hope that no one notices that the party has received £150 million from trade unions since 2010.
    The Trivials are also doing a lot of yelling even though they have had £123 million from their donors since 2010.

Overworked

Influenzers are overloading mountain rescue teams around Mount Snowdon. They are encouraging people to try to get to difficult to reach spots but failing to tell them how to prepare to tackle the difficult terrain. Rescues are now double the 2022 figures.