Win and you emigrate?

Mugs in Britain will be given a chance to enter a national lottery ‘game’ based on one in the US, which will offer a possible jackpot of a billion quid! Maybe.
    No mention of how many trillions to one the odds are against winning are is on offer.
    And there can’t be much chance of a winner staying here to be robbed by the Fantasist of the Exchequer.

Sounds right

Who’s the right bloke to oust the Put’n the Poisoner ally who’s been PM of Hungary for . . . ever? How about Peter Magyar, whose surname is what the language spoken in Hungary is called.

We’re doomed

No surprise that the International Moneybags Fund has concluded that the UK will take the biggest Iran war hit of the G7 nations. With a Labour government and a tombstone like Red Edstone in charge of not exploiting the North Sea treasures, it’s inevitable.
● Labour promises lie in tatters or Labour promises tattered lies? Who can tell which it is.

Biggest of the big

The Welsh town of Ebbw Vale is the home of Britain’s biggest collection of fatties, the experts have found. 78% of the residents are overweight and 37% are o’bese with a BMI of 30 or more, and you can smell the kebab and burger shops before you can see the town.

History rewrite

A museum in County Durham is being mocked for claiming that picture of young boys wearing a dress in Victorian times proves that they were transpicaters.
    Cobblers, say the real experts. That was just the fashion of the day – a sort of one type fits all rather than one size.

Human sacrifice

Oily Robbins, the Foreign Office permanent under-secretary, is the latest minion to carry the can for one of Bier Smarmer’s disasters – the Mandelsleaze vetting failure.
    Is it damaging to Bier, having to boot Oily into touch?
    No, if he’s established a comprehensive reputation for being UseLEZ to the nth degree, nothing that he does now can possibly do any damage to his ‘legacy’ and his place in history.

Fair, it ain’t

The government is trying to hide illegal immigrants by evicting them from hotels and dumping them in houses in small rural communities.
    People who have been on a council waiting list for years are losing out big time to the scroungers.