Headline of the year!

“Tragedy Dad’s New Life As A Mum” – decorated the front page of today’s Sunday Post, Scotland’s favourite newspaper.

No brainpower needed to be a mayor in Cumbria?

The owners of a café at Millom in Cumbria have been past winners of their local council’s “In Bloom” competition. They were disqualified from this year’s contest, however. Apparently, the mayor and another judge “were unable to find the site”. So the area has a mayor who is too dim to make a phone call to ask for better directions? Obviously just a figurehead and just as wooden.

Thankless task!

So Gordon Brown’s fund-raiser is now a peer? Obviously a reward for his services to attempting the impossible on behalf of the unwanted.

Uruguay says “yes” to . . . what!?

I just glanced at the newspaper and I thought the headline said “cannibals”. But on closer inspection, I found that “cannabis” is what will be okay in Uruguay when the bill crawls through the Senate. Apparently, it’s a cunning wheeze to take the profits from drug dealing out of the pockets of criminals.

Our gratitude would be entirely superfluous

The management of Lloyds Banking Group are busy sending out self-congratulatory letters to shareholders telling us how well they’re doing. But as we shareholders haven’t had a dividend for donkey’s years, and we’ve been on the short end of a massive collapse in the share price, and the bank’s savers aren’t exactly getting worthwhile interest rates, we’ll put the congratulations in perspective and wonder how long it will be before the present, self-satisfied lot get the bank back to where it was before the last gang of bunglers, and Gordon Brown, drove LBG into a taxpayer-funded bail-out.

Any publicity is publicity?

A bloke living in Salford Quays, Manchester, is quoted £1.2million for insuring a 10-year-old car, and when he contacts the firm to make sure they mean it, they offer to let him pay at £104,000 a month? Sounds to me like some sort of weird publicity stunt by the firm. It certainly got their name in the papers.

Not where I am, mate!

Swatches of brilliant orange on the BBC weather map. Temperatures in the 30s Centigrade on the chart. But when I looked out of the window, it was cloudy and a long way short of 30 degrees. So do I believe my eyes or what I see on the TV?