Saving: now a thing of the past

With the Bonk of England’s minions demanding to be allowed to charge people for looking after money, instead of paying them interest, it’s no wonder that people don’t think it’s worthwhile to bung money in a bank. Several of the staff at the Mansion have been buying gold and silver coins recently, and cursing as the value of gold drops but the exchange rate of sterling against the dollar does the same and deprives them of a notional immediate profit on what has to be a long-term investment.

What next!

I have been advised (by a bloke trying to sell them) that the next big thing in indoor pets is a tankful of luminescent jellyfish. They drift about unseen until they happen to cross a beam of ultraviolet light, which gives them a ghostly glow. Basic blue, yellow, green and red jellyfish are all available now, and there will be intermediate shades along if the fashion takes off.

Italy: as big a joke as Greece

Imagine the Monster Raving Looney Party getting a quarter of the votes in Thursday’s by-election at Eastleigh. (Mind you, that’s what a lot of Tory toffs consider UKIP to be!) That’s the equivalent of what’s happened in Italy’s parliamentary election when the electorate voted against paying off what it owes and voted for “anyone but the guy making the cuts”. Well, if they were trying to upset the Germans, the paymasters of the eurozone, they’ve done a brilliant job!

It’s what they do

It’s totally unreasonable to expect Calamity Clegg to be honest about what he knew about the alleged groping activities of Lord Rennard. C’mon, guys! He’s a politician, so he cheats and he lies. It’s what they do. “Saddam’s Weapons of Mass Destruction”, and all that.

There’s always room for a good silly story!

It seems the Liberals have come up with conspiracy as a distraction from their latest sex scandal. They’re blaming their embarrassment on a dirty tricks campaign by the disgraced former Cabinet minister C. Huhne. It’s all his fault so would we kindly forget his groping lordship and the cover-up?

Alarmism for the sake of it?

We keep hearing stories from the weatherpersons about how the temperature is going down to -11 deg.C and everywhere is already freezing as a blast of cold air heads in from Europe (source of everything bad?) over the next few days. But today is noticeably warmer than yesterday; or to be accurate, noticeably less cold, and we didn’t get the huge great frost, which the BBC weatherpersons threatened us with yesterday. So why are they trying to scare us?

Population too thick or too dangerous. Legal system collapes!

Falls over in amazement time! The “lead detective” on the Oscar Pistorius case is chucked off the bail hearing at a magistrate’s court in South Africa because he’s facing SEVEN murder charges himself. And a judge is forced to sack the jury on the Vicky Pryce case in England because they are too dim to understand what’s demanded of them. What next?

Undead twits

Some genius at an advertising has come up with a piece of software which lets dead twits on Twitter continue to post post-mortem messages. Apparently, the prog scours the internet for rubbish of the sort favoured by the deceased and cobbles it into “new” garbage for people to ignore.

I wonder how much that cost to find out?

According to today’s Daily Disaster, some bunch of “researchers” in New Zealand has “proved” that too much watching TV as a child leads to a life of crime. Yeah, right!

Bl’Indians

Our area is being targetted again by bloody Indians. One of the staff reported that he got a call at 8 a.m. this morning from some character claiming to be from Windows and wanting two minutes of his time to fix some problem on his computer. My staffer said he’d have to go and switch the computer on, put the phone down and carried on with his preparations for getting to work. When he went back to the phone a quarter of an hour later, the Bl’Indian had gone. But, no doubt, his mates will keep ringing back until their boss decides to move on to another area of the UK.

A fine way to run a TV channel II

Re: the moan reported on 9th Feb: one of the staff sent an email to Movies 24 complaining about the lack of ending to the film. He got an apology and an assurance that the film would be re-shown at 7 p.m. on Feb 13th. The email reply arrived on 6:28 p.m on . . . Feb 15th.

There’s always one!

Some hack Russian politician is trying to get himself noticed by pretending he believes that the meteorite which whizzed over the Urals yesterday was an American weapon test. Calm down, dear!

Are we a target suddenly?

Small meteorite crashes into the Ural mountains in Russia during the day. Small asteroid, but the biggest one to approach this close, flies past the Earth at a range of just over 17,000 miles in the evening. Both on the same day. Do you get the feeling that someone is firing off ranging shots and getting uncomfortably near to us?

Brown, you were a rotter!

The boy Milipede is promising to deconstruct the political course set by the unloved G. Broon (and also his current rival, the Balls monster). Back will come the 10% tax rate, which Broon & Balls abolished, and the boy Milipede will pay for it with a Mansion Stealth Tax. Just a few small problems, though. He’ll need to raise about £7 Billion to make any sort of difference to the clients for his largesse, and that will mean a Mansion Tax rate of about 6.4% per year, which will be highly popular with Labour millionaires like T. Blair and G. Broon, to name but two. Not to mention the Billions which will have to be spent on assessing the worth of properties to find out who has to pay the new stealth tax. Which is something the boy Milipede seems to have left out of his sums.

The silver lining shows through!

Good news! Not all of the horse finding its way into burgers is Romanian and full of illegal chemicals (from the human consumption point of view). Some of it is good old British racehorse and pony, and in some cases, it has been used to replace disgusting animal residues, which are no longer allowed to be called meat. And Waitrose is going one better by using pork in its “beef” meatballs rather than horse.

Another chocolate teapot

The European Commission is fond of making up petty rules, like the ones used to stop the Women’s Institute from selling jam in recycled jam jars at events, but what use is it when it comes to stopping criminals selling horse as beef across the entire EU? It’s all perfectly within the rules, apparently.

Daft enough to be true

As soon as the Pope’s resignation hit the news media, a rumour started flying around that Tony Blair is putting himself forward as a candidate for the vacancy. People’s Princess to People’s Pope? The world is such a crazy place now that it could just happen!

The power of self-delusion

Millionaire Eurolackey Nick. Clegg hopes that “voters will see past Huhne’s criminal behaviour” when they come to vote in the by-election caused by his eviction from the House of Common Criminals to one of Her Majesty’s Houses of Correction. Clegg is obviously so out of touch with real life that he doesn’t realize that it will be right at the front of the voter’s consciousness come polling day.

A fine way to run a TV channel

Much peeved muttering at the Mansion last night. Some of the staff were watching a daft disaster film on Movies 24 last night. The load of tosh unfolded until about half-past eight, then it went to some adverts – and came back to the closing credits. So no end of the film shown and the 20 minutes until the next film filled up with promos and trailers. And as these minority digital TV stations are just done by computers, no one actually watching to see if the programme goes out properly.

Very Queer, Indeed

Hundreds of people died of neglect and thousands more were tortured by “inhumane treatment” at Stafford hospital. But no one is to blame, according to Robert Francis, QC, who has just published another report on this typical New Labour scandal. Not even the management staff who let it happen. Now you know why Rumpole of the Bailey concluded that “QC” stands for Queer Customer.

It’s obvious

Where should they put the remains of King Richard III now that they have been positively identified? York Minster. That’s where he belongs: a place where Good King Dickon was appreciated properly.

The latest conspiracy theory . . .

. . . is that there are no plots against Dave the Leader. The BBC is just making them up to fill the gaps left on its “news” channel by a lack of real news.

No harm, not much of a foul

We keep hearing more and more about the horseburger scandal, but when you think about it, the whole affair is pretty insubstantial. Nobody is dead, there was no strange taste to the el cheapo burghers and the only reason anyone knew they contained horse and/or pig protein was through DNA tests. The consumers of the grotburghers should just be grateful the manufacturers didn’t shove some really dangerous crap into them.

What’s her game?

Flicking through a recent issue of the Daily Disaster, I came across at least a page devoted to a woman who wished to tell the world she’s given up sex. It sounded to me like a playground for amateur psychiatrists: is she an exhibitionist with masochistic tendencies? Or a narcissist with exhibitionist tendencies? Moving on to the cartoon section, I never actually read the lady’s story of why sex is beyond her. I was too busy making up my own version of it!

Living in the right area!

I’ve just been reading about the guy in Cardiff, who wrecked the family home, on which he’d spent two hundred grand of his own money, after falling out with his brother and sister. Apparently, the police were notified but they said it was none of their business. In some part of the country, they’d have steamed in anyway and Mr. McGuire is lucky he wasn’t pepper-sprayed, tasered and shot!