Not so clever after all

We have one disappointed IT guy at the mansion. Irwin buys a lot of stuff on-line from Misco.co.uk and he saw a good deal on a laptop on Thursday. When he checked the delivery dates, he saw Saturday, today, was still on offer despite the world shutting down for the royal weeding yesterday, so he ordered one and told everyone that Misco is a really together company, which can slot things in to windows of opportunity.

The website guaranteed delivery between 7:30 and 12:00 on Saturday. So Irwin got up early to be ready for a delivery lorry sneaking up the drive at 7:31. Did he get his laptop? Is Misco a together company which has a jump on the rest of the on-line businesses . . ? No. It’s just another gang of optimists with a website which writes cheques that the company can’t cash.

p.s. The best royal weeding souvenir? Got to be the Chinese-manufactured mugs with a picture of Prince Harry on them, and he’s labelled “Will” rather than “Wills”. If you’re going to get it wrong, do a proper job of it!

Calm down, you poseur!

“Calm down, dear!” should be deployed whenever attention-seekers get into a paddy [Whoops! Irish racialist remark? Surely not!] about some imagined crime against political correctness. It should be applied loudly and with maximum patronizing effect to max out the target’s embarrassment. And if applied often enough, it might even make the Balls person explode from synthetic rage and do the world a favour.

p.s. No surprise to hear that the Eagle woman reckons she’s been patronized “by better people than the prime minister”. She has the sort of self-righteous air of entitlement which positively demands it!

Back At You, Buster

Huhne, the Lib-Dem millionaire in charge of windmills, seems to think that if a politician says something which another politician thinks is a lie, then the perpetrator can be hauled into court. But he doesn’t seem to have grasped that, if there is a law which makes it illegal for a politician to tell lies, he could end up in court himself on a permanent basis. Which would probably be quite good for the country, having him inactive in court, as politicians always bog things up when they start trying to do things.

Further poor-quality Opposition

The country’s hopes that Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition isn’t a complete bunch of tossers, as successive sets of Tories have been, have been crushed. All that Bully Balls can manage to moan about is the Prime Monster’s plea for the Labour loonies to “calm down” in imitation of the Michael Winner insurance adverts. But given that Balls was a partner-in-crime of G. Broon when he was crippling the British economy and spending all of our reserves, it’s unlikely he’ll ever have anything worthwhile to contribute to Britain’s success.

Wot Next?

The latest demand from the multiculturalists is that people who can’t read English should be allowed to serve on juries. And if they get that, no doubt the wreckers will be ranting about the need to get people who can’t speak English (at all, as opposed to natives doing it very badly) onto juries. Because judging a person’s fitness for a job is discrimination. And if we adopted a sensible attitude to that, all the multiculturalists would be cut off from the public purse.

It’s obvious, really

Why haven’t Blair & Brown been invited to the Royal Weeding, to the fury of Usual Suspects? Well, Blair would have tried to take it over and make the day all about him so he can sell himself some more. And Brown would just have glowered at everyone and been an enormous wet blanket. And Blair would probably have sent the Queen a bill for his time.

Desperation Move

Failed prime monster G. Broon has been reduced to taking an advisory job with the World Economic Forum. The man who caused the last financial crisis thinks he’s the right bloke to head off the next one. The job is unpaid, which shows just how much the WEF thinks of Gordo’s talents. But he does get a staffing allowance of £750,000, so maybe he can sneak himself a job on the side as the tea boy.

The mind is still boggling!

Judge Eady has issued an injunction covering the whole world, and lasting to the end of time(!), about the bad behaviour of a TV “celeb”. Which has to be the ultimate ego trip and a total waste of the taxpayers’ cash spent on the court time. After all, why would any other country take any notice of him?

And what was it that stopped him from injuncting our entire galaxy or even the whole universe? Maybe a niggling fear that people might think he’s dotty and old?

What’s wrong with the police? It’s everywhere!

The Florida police busted a 16-year-old kid, who robbed and killed 2 British tourists who ended up in the bad part of town. Then they let the kid go because it was his first offence! So how many people do you have to kill in Florida to trump a first offence?

The Mind Boggles

Just when you were thinking politics is a yawn, along comes the resignation of the leader of Liverpool’s Liberals in a cloud of election fraud allegations. He says he witnessed his son signing up to be a candidate for next month’s council elections. The son says he never wanted to be a councillor, he wants to be in the RAF instead and the signature on Exhibit A is someone else’s.

All of which conjures up a vision of the Liberals getting a stooge elected, the stooge calling the Leader “Dad” and the Libs hoping no one realizes he’s an imposter.

They say Liverpool is a very weird place. Looks like “They” got it exactly right!

The Death of SF

There has fallen into my clutches a copy of “The New SF”, which is described as an anthology of “modern speculative fiction” from 1969. And it’s just crap. The “fiction” is just words thrown onto the page and not very interesting sets of words at that. The “authors” make little or no attempt to tell a story. They just expect the reader to fall over in amazement at their cleverness. No wonder all the British SF mags, like New Worlds, died off at this time.

How did they get away with it?

What went wrong with science fiction in the 1960s? I’ve just been looking at “The New SF”, an anthology of “modern speculative fiction” from 1969, and a bigger load of tosh you would be hard put to find!

The “fiction” is just words thrown at the page, and not very interesting sets of words. No attempt is made to tell a story, presumably because that would be “old-fashioned”. No wonder all the British SF mags like New Worlds died off at this time.

It’s only our money

You might have been wondering why the police force costs so much. Well, take the case of the sentry, who shot two officers (allegedly, one fatally) on HMS Astute at Southampton. The perp was detained at the crime scene in possession of the murder weapon. To sew up the case, all the police need are 3 or 4 eye witnesses and some forensics, mainly ballistic. Two days’ work tops for the whole deal.

But what are the Southampton police planning to do? Question scores of people, which will take weeks or even months, to “build a case”. And by the time the Can’t Prosecute Service and the lawyers have finished faffing about, a couple of years will have drifted by before there’s any danger of a trial. And they say the British justice system is the envy of the world. Only by people who make money out of what passes for justice.

Tripe, Dave, and you know it, you grovelling bastard!

Britain ain’t responsible for “many of the world's problems”. Britain might have exploited colonies in the past but they’ve had more than enough time — 60-odd years in the case of India & Pakistan — and more than enough British taxpayers’ cash to put everything in good order. And if our former colonies are a mess today, that’s down to the thieves and bunglers running them. Britain’s not to blame and Dave deserves a big slap for talking down his country when he gets back from junketing abroad, trying to buy friends with our money.

They were probably skiving at the time!

MPs who voted them through Parliament are now playing the outrage card over arms sales to foreign tyrants. But, I guess, hypocrisy is the common currency among the Pals of Westmonster. And if we hadn’t sold those weapons to the tyrants, our neighbours would have So better that the British taxpayer got the benefit,

WTF??!!

I got these unhelpful messages when I clicked on a Google pop-up:

“This Help Centre is not currently available in your language. However, you can select another language from the "Change Language" drop-down menu at the bottom of the page or download Google Toolbar, which can instantly translate websites in 42 languages.”

And:

“The information you've requested isn't currently available in your language, but you can select from the list below to view this help topic in another language or download Google Toolbar, which can instantly translate websites in 42 languages.”

Does this mean Google has sold its website maintenance contract to Indians or a Chinese outfit and English is no longer a permitted language?