Misplaced confidence

There’s a naive expectation in commentators, MotoGP included, that the viewers will remember something that happened in 1993. Not without your prompt sheet, mate!

Not bovvered

A Sunday Post correspondent reckons that if the police attended every report of loud noises next door in some neighbourhoods, they’d never get back to the cop shop. Wrong! It takes a snitching on a celeb and a chance to meet someone like Boris to roust the fuzz out of their retreats these days.

Different Dutch

Unusually, it was the Moto2 bike race in Holland which had lots of crashes; 11 of them! But Basher Binder did his best in Moto3 before taking to the gravel. Marc Marquez is now mature and calculating in MotoGP, opting to take the points for 2nd and extending his championship lead.

Terrible tragedy

It has been pointed out to me that reducing the official poverty numbers by excluding smokers would damage the lifestyle of Leftists, whose agenda is to steal from the rich to redistribute wealth to the poor – and let a goodly share stick to their fingers in the process.

Misleading numbers

Having noticed the price of cigarettes whilst doing a bit of shopping, I’d like to recommend that everyone who can afford to smoke should be excluded from official poverty statistics on eligibility grounds.

Top notch

Is there a better radio show than Dead Ringers? Nope. That Jeremy Corby and ‘42' sketch in this week’s show as worth a Nobel Prize for excellence.

He could always white up

Yes, a black guy can play a guy called James Bond in a film. But he won’t be Ian Fleming’s Agent 007. All that he will be is some guy in a film playing a character with the same name as the ‘real’ fictional James Bond.

SAGA slump

I note that the Daily Mail has stopped giving the Saga share price. Does this mean that the tarnished brand is now considered worthless?

Effective advice

To all luvvies who worry about putting methane into the atmosphere when the fart and causing global warming – put a cork in it.

Suck it up, mate

Some EU boss is complaining that we are foreigner bashing over Brexit. Let him be advised that we as a nation, unlike a lot of our neighbours, are decent and honourable people, and that if any foreigners are bashed, it is only ones who deserve it.

Not guilty

Park the blame where it belongs – that little girl from South America who drowned in the Rio Grande wasn’t killed by President Trump. She was killed by her father.

N.B.G.

It’s all very well for the Commissioner of the Met to be ‘not proud’ of the lack of effectiveness of Britain’s police forces. But is she doing anything about it? Anything useful, that is.

Out, foul blot

Is it possible to get hold of an edition of Star Trek: TNG with the episodes involving that tedious twat Q expunged?

Please engage brain before opening gob

“The season finale of Brockmire is full of unexpected surprises,” a breathless continuity announcer told us in a plug. As opposed to those boring expected surprises?

Fairness for the many

Boris Johnson’s tax blueprint would benefit only the rich? So what if they’re allowed to keep more of their money? The rich are people, too. And they’re entitled to a fair deal, under which the not-so-rich pay their way instead of expecting to freeload all the time.

Even more company wibble

British Gas “Looking after your world” What bollocks!
    “Overcharging you in every direction” would be more honest.

Oh, for a declutter option

What would be really brilliant would be a remote control with a facility to disable the buttons I never use so that I don’t waste time getting back to where I wanted to be after pressing a junk button by mistake.

Hopes dashed

L.A. Spiders – wow! what’s that? The latest sci-fi blockbuster show?
    Sorry, Mr. Clothears, it’s just another cop show called LA’s Finest.

More company wibble

Seen on my travels – a lorry bearing the legend:
    Electricity Northwest
    bringing energy to your door
Just what I need. Electrified doors to see off burglars.
    And me, come to think of it.

Out of time

“Them! [the SF film about giant ants] was a fantastic film, even if it was a bit before my time,” I read in yesterday’s paper. Which is a pretty silly thing to say now, when the march of DVDs, Utube and TV on demand means that we are no long dependent on something being shown in a cinema to get a look at it.

Someone will always fall for it

I feel no urge to rush my money into a virtual bank which puts my wealth in the hands of someone who can just end their online presence on a whim and make the whole lot vanish. Especially if there is no facility for recovering the investment if you get cold feet or an unexpected demand for money, such as needing cash to repair your roof after it’s ripped off by one of the tornadoes caused by global warming.

Night noises

    “Boris’ girlfriend throws a loud wobbly in the night? Good job she’s not in the running for control of the nation’s nuclear button. Unless it was all confected by some commie rag.”
    “It was in theGuardian, Milord.”
    “Ah, the latter, then.”

Well, why not?

“What’s your IQ?”
    “146.”
“Wow! Really?”
    “Yes, really. I identify as a person with an IQ of 146.”

Number fatigue

It would be nice if we could call a halt to the plague of numbers for their own sake. Such as the information that 941 pieces of plastic were found in a highly polluted river. The number without a smattering context – such as the size of the pieces, the types of plastic, sources and so on – is meaningless and not worth the trouble of gathering.
    Who’s going to be impressed by 941 microscopic bits of plastic in a whole river?

Turn about is unfair play

Michael Gove isn’t a victim of ‘dark dealings at the crossroads’. He’s just further proof that what goes around does actually come around and bite your arse.

Absolutely typical

Whoever’s in charge of Weather Control has got it wrong again. I happened to be Up North today and I was informed that despite the absolute deluges which have drowned places like areas of Lincolnshire, Saddleworth Moor could still go up in flames as there hasn’t been enough rain to saturate it to a fire-resistant state.
    They’ll be telling us the reservoirs are half-empty next and we can spend only half the usual time in the shower. And flush the toilet half as often.

Shirley they cannot B serious

“Hartley Axed” screamed the headline. But how will we manage without his jars of excellent pineapple jam?

Not actually a joke

A bloke walks into a pub where virtue flags are flying and bottles of pop are 20% off for birds. He doesn’t get the discount until he claims he identifies as female. Then he walks into a small claims court where he claims having to lie about his sex hurt his feelings.
    The judge, believe it or not, awarded him a thousand quid!! Yes, really.

Good start

I caught up with the last of the matches in the Canadian Football League’s opening week yesterday afternoon – a replay of the last Grey Cup with the new look Ottawa RedBlacks visiting the Canadian champions of the world Stampeders in Calgary. And what a finish it had. A fine example of what the CFL is all about.

When you think about it . . .

“Can’t comedians make jokes?” a letter in yesterday’s Sunday Post asked. To which the only possible response is: “No, some alleged comedians are totally incapable of making jokes”.

Good sense not appreciated

Ho, ho, ho! How amusing it is to see all Boris Johnson’s rivals bent out of shape because he’s being sparing in his pronouncements and not talking himself into trouble.

Crash-fest in Catalunya

Moto3 in Barcelona was a real riot. Six riders out in one incident. Basher Binder was taken out by pole man Rodrigo with 2 laps to go. Another gone from the lead group on the last lap and McPhee’s bike made him look like he was on a bucking bronco. But he stayed aboard to finish 13th instead of with the leaders. 12 riders DNF!
    There was a crash on the first lap of Moto2, and the series leader managed to fall off, but the attrition rate was much more modest; only 6 DNFs. Cue Mr. Lorenzo taking out three of the leaders in the main event right away, leaving Marc Marquez with an easy win with his main rival, Dovizioso, back in the pits with Rossi and Viñales, saying rude things about Lorenzo.

Topical triviality

“What would Churchill say if someone who wants to be PM is not taking part in TV debates?” ranted some tedious twerp. To which the only possible response is: “Who cares what a cartoon dog thinks?”

The CFL gets tough

Cor blimey, Guv’nor! Those 25 yard penalties for ultraviolence really make a difference in Canadian football. The Tiger-Cats gifted the visiting Roughriders a TD from their opening drive. But they reached the goal only after Hamilton had killed their starting quarterback. And they went on to kill the second string, Mr. Fajardo, as well as Mr. Collards.
    It will be interesting to see if the Cats are still playing ‘Kill the QB’ in week 8 when they go to Saskatchewan. They’ll be lucky to get out of town alive themselves if they are.

More confections

You have to be really desperate to get bent out of shape, or triumphant, over typos in President Trump’s twits on Twitter – given that everything there is just inconsequential trivia rather than anything of consequence.

This guy is a senior twerp

A ‘senior Tory’ is reported to have said that if two-thirds of Tory MPs voted against Boris Johnson in the first round of the leadership election process, he can’t be the next party leader. Which conveniently ignores that this is often what happens in a general election – two-thirds of the nation voting against the eventual winner. But that party still forms a government.

Parallel Universe

Is Boris about to be Brexited, despite President Trump’s support? He’s the choice of the majority of Tory party members but he faces being conspired into o’blivion by his enemies. Like Brexit.

Not very British

I can’t see the current Home Secretary winning many friends by complaining that he wasn’t shoe-horned in to the state banquet with President Trump. A sense of entitlement is not exactly an endearing quality.

A timely question

The start of the Star Trek: TNG episode Force of Nature left me wondering if it’s wise to put a bloke like Mr. La Forge, who thinks cats can be trained, in charge of engineering on the starship Enterprise.
    And Mr. Data can’t be all that bright if he thinks he can teach Spot not to jump up onto consoles. Some urgent reprogramming needed?

Nasty is as nasty does

Yah, boo to the racialist ‘white saviour’ haters. Does it really matter what colour skin someone’s who’s helping out in Africa has? Only to the racialist bigots.

Weather forecaster alarmism

18 millimetres of rain expected. Crumbs! That sounds a hell of a lot. What is it in feet and inches?
    Just over half an inch.
    Not impressed.

Different is just . . . different

If people will buy ‘works of art’ created by elephants, chimps and other cute animals, it stands to reason that there will be mugs willing to buy stuff created by an art robot. Or, indeed, stuff created by a human pretending to be a robot.

They’re not called plod for nothing

Who’s right? J. Clarkson for complaining that the police closed a road for over 11 hours after a fatal shunt? Or the police for claiming they have a hard life as an excuse for adding to a long list of foot-dragging over logging the scene and reopening a stretch of road?
    Clarkson, obviously, has the valid point and it’s high time the police appointed some managers who can actually get jobs done correctly and efficiently to replace the current set, who are just good for spouting BS.

Premature badguyism

Someone needs to tell S. Vettel that the Schumacher Manoeuvre, where you blunder off the track, and come back on to crash out an unblundered rival, should be done only in the last Grand Prix of the season.

Not the hoped for outcome

Okay, it was 2-1 for England against Scotland in the Ladies’ World Cup, but that’s still no excuse for pre-match pessimism.

Quarter-hearted?

"To some extent, the result doesn't matter", the Sunday Post editorial said about tonight's Scotland vs England match in the Female Football World Cup. Wrong! Only a win will do for Scotland's ladies and they don't need Scotland's fave newspaper being less than 100% confident of their success.

Small discrapancy (sic)

Something curious I’ve noticed when watching films with the subtitles on – e.g when the diction is appalling and/or the sound all over the place – is that captions like [siren wails] appear on the screen but often, no siren sound is audible.
    This suggests that the titles are derived from a script and never checked against the final editing job by a Titles Monitor. Or by an FX Monitor to make sure that the noises and gadgets match the titles.

Self-inflicted wound

Still on Michael Gove: he’s shooting himself in the foot by telling people not to hold his history as a coke-head against him in the Tory leadership stakes. Tell people they can’t do something and they will immediately do it, just to prove you wrong.

I was a really BAD boy

The Tory leadership wannabes are parading their drug history; mainly at an ‘I didn’t inhale’ level; but why? In Gove’s case, he’s helping to plug a book about himself. Does that mean the others are hoping someone will do the same for them?

Still in decline

I’ve been doing more clicks on the Stats button where I post these words of wisdom and noticed that the trend is continuing. The Blogger PacMan is still munching away and the number of visits for last month has been declining as the PacMonster consumes them.

Important, but not as we know it, Jim

Should I bow my head in shame for having heard of only 4 of Britain’s 27 Most Important Wimmin (according to Vogue)? Or just accept that women are from Venus and their concept of important doesn’t apply to me?

They said it!

I saw an advert for “Rubbish Removals” in a free newspaper and immediately thought I’d rather go to someone who can do a proper job of shifting my stuff if I ever move out of the Mansion.

Tell us something relevant

We’re told that we consume a quarter of a million micro-particles of plastic per year. But so what? The air we breathe is full of crap – inorganic dust particles, pollen and all sorts of other organic plant debris.
    What we really need is context and risk potential rather than just a naked and useless number.

Weird bunch

Why do Americans have this strange obsession with candles? You get them in abundance in SF TV series like Star Trek and Babylon 5, and in situations where a roomful of lit candles should be an unacceptable fire risk.

Misery for the many, not the few

Corbyn and his crew are planning to steal all private property if they get into power. What a mealy mouthed bunch of stone cold losers they are if they daren’t go the whole hog and reveal that they’d like to kill everyone they don’t approve of and steal everything they possess. Have they learnt nothing from the terrorists and dictators they’ve cosied up to?
    They’re miserable Marxists in the sense of being piss-poor at it.
    And that concludes today’s rant.

Another big mystery

Tony Curtis likened kissing Marilyn Monroe to kissing Hitler. But how did he know what kissing Hitler was like to be so expert about it?

We need more shades of Evil

We have evil itself, which is Force 10 on the scale, and medievil, which is half-way or Force 5. But in these judgemental times, we need more defined points on the scale. Such as decievil, which is Force 1, for pushy but fairly ineffective do-gooders who end up doing a little bad.
    Suggestions for other points on the scale welcomed on a PC to the usual address.

Typical

It seems to happen a lot. A team battles to the final of a tournament and then fails to show up at the last gasp. Which is exactly what happened to Spurs against Liverpool in the Champions’ League. Which must have been a real sickener for their fans.

It’s all about the money!

Will Agent Pride survive in the new series of NCIS: New Orleans? we keep being asked in trailers. It all depends how much he’s bunged the scriptwriter to keep his job.

F1 can’t compete with this

Nice to see 3 Ducatis duffing up Marc Marquez in the early stages of the Italian MotoGP. Rossi in the kitty litter? Yay! Rins on a Suzuki carving up the 4 leaders; until Miller fell off after setting a fastest lap. Nice to see Petrucci get his first ever win and Marquez spoiling a Ducati one-two finish.

A rip in the direction of off?

There was an absolutely interminable advert for plastic shoes on TV last night. It was full of people of all ages walking about on flat surfaces and even tackling steps. But nowhere throughout the entire thing did they mention how much they cost. Always a bad sign in my experience.

Unstoppable legend

There’s a thirty-fifth Godzilla film just out? What can they possibly do for a sequel? How about Godzilla vs Devilzilla. That would fill a few cinemas.

Nothing to worry about

Not if today’s headline news is about Sir P. Green’s peccadillos rather than anything else going on in the world. They are totally trivial compared to, say, lying to Parliament about Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction to get a war started.