Avinga Giraffe

Merganser (4). Answer: ‘smew’. Who the bloody hell knows stuff like that? Who that’s normal, I mean.

One way of looking at it

No Xmas box for striking postmen? If it was a box round the ear they were due for terrible service, it’s not something they’ll miss.

Sic transit department

In the TV gushing over Pele, there was a photo of him with his shirt off next to a white footballer, also topless. None of the people nattering about the late, great Brazilian icon appeared to spot that the white bloke was the equally iconic England captain Bobby Moore.

Chuck’s Big Day

“Anointed” sounds so much more wholesome than “smeared with creepy crap” when he gets coronated.

Dead giveaway

How do you tell it’s an old sciffy film? People go into space on a shuttle and come back down to the planet in old Apollo capsules.
    And amazingly vital data that will affect the future of everyone can be stored on just one single 3½" floppy disk.

Tell ’em anything

According to some overblown celeb-chef, peeling spuds is an art-form? Right!
    How many million quid is someone prepared to offer for one I’ve just peeled artfully?

We should be told

“59 pages to enjoy” is said on the front page of Tuesday’s Daily Mail, I’ve just noticed as I was putting it in the recycling bin. The page count was . . . 64.
    No hints on offer as to which were the duff ones, though.

Bye-eee!

Have people given up on responding to emails? I sent out 13 to people I know but don’t see regularly over the Xmas period. 3 replies. So I’m now adopting al policy of replying to contact rather than initiating them.

Circular Sayings

The Friend of my Enemy is the Enemy of my Friend.
    BFD.

Not good enough

If the best the Pope has to offer is a hope that his god will enlighten Putin the Poisoner, then he might as well have kept quiet.
    Ain’t gonna happen nohow, nowhen.

Give ’em some!

Nothing like a holiday total shambles to start this week’s AEW Rampage. Follow that with a juggler!
    Mind you, we ended up wishing they had when the ancient Jeff Jarrett was clowning around at the end.

Definite surplus

One of the things we’re not short of is nutters, if the pictures of gangs of people charging into the sea off areas of the south coast are anything to go by.

Rather predictable

Reports from airports tell us that the Army is doing a grand job of moving people through them at a decent rate. Cue scare stories about the country filling up with all sorts of bad guys because the Border Force has walked off the job and the Army isn’t up to it. Right.

They don’t let up

Surprisingly, during last night’s evening rain, there were a few bangs of distant fireworks. But nothing loud enough to disturb a sleeping Mansion cat.

Artificial crisis

Does it really matter if Unilever is selling ice cream to Russia and taking cash out of Putin’s economy?
    Is that more reprehensible that buying his gas and putting cash into Putinstan to pay for the assaults on Ukraine?
    Apparently so to the idiots who are desperate for something to moan about.

Something of a racket?

Episodes of UNCLE are peppered with adverts from charities demanding cash for African countries with never a word about what the governments of these countries are doing.
    Other than strolling off with all the cash and anything not nailed down, of course.

Bucking the trend

There’s a story going around that young people are turning their backs on alcohol during the festive season. What’s not clear is whether they are just saying they are or they’re too zonked on their usual illegal pharmaceuticals to find the booze.

Reason to be cheerful? Nope!

Back to all the strikes again tomorrow? How wonderful.

Welcome Absence

The Mansion cat is pleased that she has been spared having to retreat to her bunker. No Xmas fireworks around here at all.

Problem solved if . . .

What to watch on TV on Xmas Day, given that everything on offer from the usual suspects will be repeats & garbage? How about the daft sciffy film you recorded to watch later. And the Schmuck From Uncle films, of course.
    Venom (2018) on Film4 was quite fun! It’s not often that evil alien monsters are allowed to have a sense of humour. N. Solo didn’t do too well without Iliya, though.

Notable Omission

Wall to wall M*A*S*H, Are You Being Served?, etc. But where was Jessica Fletcher? Mysteriously absent. Has the lady who’s present at so many murders been done in?

Banker

Oh, yes, there it was on Channel four. The Xmas Day repeat of The Great Escape. If Steve McQueen were still alive, he’d be a zillionaire from all the repeat fees.

No sale

I’ve never watched Eastenders and I wasn’t tempted to start yesterday by the prospect of a vicious row over Xmas dinner.
    Not unless the Cockneys started shooting each other, which they wouldn’t on the wimpy BBC.

Anyone fancy a brew?

Don’t the bloody ad breaks on the Legend channel go on and on for EV . . . E . . . R?

Extinctify the lot of them!

Poseidon Rex (2014) has to be one of the daftest sci-fy creature features on offer! And the humanoids are no advert for their species.

T.R. Ipe

Watching a cop film last night, I was struck by the total incompetence of a whole gang of SWAT coppers, who let themselves be wiped out by just TWO bad guy bozos.
    A credibility gap as long as the Grand Canyon, never mind as wide. Mind you, the bozos were blown away just as easily at the end.

This is okay

Okay, it’s raining, but it’s not snowing and it’s not particularly cold and some of us can do without a dose of the white stuff.

Progress!

The collection of Man From Uncle films is now large enough to cope with the Xmas drought.
    Let us rejoice.

Wonderful Idea!

Good grief! What sort of weird confections go into a vegan no-beef Wellington? And hypocritical does a veganist have to be to play at being a carnivore?
    “Look at me, eating something that looks like meat but doesn’t break the rules.”

Waste of time

Why would anyone need to go looking for a recipe for a turkey curry? All you have to do is get any old curry recipe and substitute turkey for the usual protein.

Sucks to you

Who exactly is hoping for a white Christmas with fuel poverty rife? A warm blast from Madeira is more than welcome, even if it puts a scowl on the faces of energy company bosses.

Devolution Disaster

It has been in Scotland if the SNP has spent 6 years rabbiting on about whether people should be allowed to claim to be any gender they like independently of the medical industry instead of getting on with anything that mattered.

Growth Industry

The people who make these guesses are claiming that 70% of men are now obese. Will they be able to get it up to over 80% when the Festive Season noshing has inflated us more?

Unwelcome news

The last thing the strikers want for a Christmas present – inflation going down!

Odd Observation

The BBC’s dancing show seems to be a magnet for people with an unfortunate name. There was a girl called Mabuse, who’s obviously a descendant of Fritz Lang’s criminal genius Dr. Mabuse.
    And recently, there was a fat bloke called Hamsa, a name which is indelibly attached to the Islamist terrorist Captain Hook, who is doing time in gaol in the Untied States whilst his family here gets a million quid a week in benefits from our boneheaded government.

Beyond boggling

Railway strikers on £100K/year. Just how much to the greedy bastards expect to screw out of the travelling public?

Good idea

A neighbour suggested recording a couple of the UNCLE films and watching them next Monday & Tuesday when there are no episodes from the TV series on offer.
    That’s the sort of thinking that makes Britain Great!

Cheap Xmas?

If you can’t get to the shops to buy stuff, and there’s nothing to buy anyway because the transport system is on strike, people might even be able to pay their energy bill!

Yesterday’s bonus

All the stuff you want is in a warehouse somewhere remote or out in a field, spoilt by rain & chewed by foxes. And when the unstriking postman gets his arse into gear, what does he bring you?
    A credit card bill. Gee!

Boooo!

Talking Pictures TV aren’t doing the Schmuck From Uncle next Monday & Tuesday just because they are Christmas & Boxing days. Disgraceful!
    Any old excuse to stick it to the customers.

Infinity Zone

Where do John Wick & his ilk get all these guns that never run out of bullets? And why didn’t he keep using one of them at the end of his 3rd epic instead of having to reload constantly?

First Law of The Universe

Never let time which could be devoted to something useful go unwasted; always have a disaster ready to dump on some sucker who looks like getting somewhere.

Brain-buster

A receptacle for odd scraps (5). Can’t be ‘dog’, that’s only three letters.

Someone doesn’t need a lottery win!

Not if sometime PM Boris Johnson can rake in a million quid from just three months’ speechifying! He needs another go in politics like the proverbial hole in the head.

And another

I wonder if that skipper is related to the Labour MP who thinks putting illegals in holiday camps is the equivalent of shoving them in concentration camps.
    Where does the Labour party get these obviously confused and inadequate wonks?

Well off course

It’s a wonder the captain of the fishing boat who did an Uber for a gang of soggy illegals found his way home if he’s confused enough to blame our government for their plight.
    No one in HMG encouraged them to get into what was an obviously overcrowded and inadequate craft for a journey across dangerous seas.

Will he, won’t he

Now that he has an invite to his grandpa’s coronation next year, will Hapless Hairy show up? Or will he have a diplomatic attack of the dreaded lurgi?
    I suppose it all depends how much someone has offered his appalling wife for the TV rights.

Time not wasted

What sort of Greatest World Cup of all time goes to the lottery of penalties? There should have been replays until one side won properly.
    But hey, ho. Didn’t bother watching it. It was a case of who cares who wins for me.

Obviously, a mistake

Isn’t it warm today? It’s amazing. You go out and it actually feels warm outdoors. Has the climate changed overnight?

One rule for them

There’s nothing like all those entitled strikers to take your mind off a pair of poisonously entitled ninnies. Strange that the railway unions (and all the rest) that cling to their Spanish
practices are never hauled up for cultural appropriation. Same with Londoners pretending to be Africans.

Fast Forward

Anyone who watched six hours of fiction factory mockumentaries about Hapless Hairy and his bullying wife; without being paid to do it; is an idiot of the first water!
    Not much of an advert for the stuff Netflix unloads on paying customers.
    17 pages to ignore at the front of last Friday’s paper!

Give us a break

Upper atmosphere (5). Ether? Bollocks. That’s either a fluid that puts you to sleep or the imaginary fluid light was thought to travel through. Any fule kno that.

Not Everyone

The world might be fed up with Moaning Megan but she is caviar & chips to the newspaper columnists who get the easy job of filling up a whole page with an extended moan about her defects.

Don’t you just hate . . .

. . . those effin flaps over zips that always get stuck in the mechanism and jam it up.

Pass

Something not on the Xmas menu to go with the turkey Pizza of Mass Destruction is cheesy sprout gratin. Sounds revolting.

A plague on both houses

Do we have to cheer the French on against the Argies in the World Cup final or can we hope they both lose or the stadium is destroyed by a rogue meteor just before the kick-off?

Sound Board Symphony

Yo! That’s a brilliant way to shut a crap rapper up on AEW – get Jeff Jarrett to clobber him with a mock guitar.

Unmentionable

Are there official statistics for the number of people who die as a result of being abandoned by NHS strikers? Or is that something we’re not supposed to ask?

Not good enough

Jockeys in a crossword clue always invited ‘riders’. But somehow, Jockeys on the Storm by The Doors rather lacks impact.

Got there first

THRUSH bad guys using drone strikes back in the olden days? How little things change. And there was Angela Lansbury doing The Fast Show sminky-pinky routine!

Ya gotta be rich

400 quid for a reading lamp in an advert? Sounds like something you’d buy from WeSawYouComing.com!

Not in our lifetime?

Will nuclear fusion breakthrough clear path to clean energy? said the headline. No, it’s just the same story that the fusion industry has been outputting since the 1970s, I am reliably informed by someone who was around and interested when all the fusion puff exploded.

LBJ chant recycled

Hey, Hey, Striking for pay,
How many folks have you killed today?
    Killing off customers doesn’t look like a terribly good way of ensuring job security.

Sounds Fair Enough

Are all those who didn’t get round to the front-door clapping for the NHS staff now feeling unbearably smug as their former heroes leap out on strike for crazy pay demands?

Turn about

When you read that government departments waste £7 BILLION per year on wonk stuff, it becomes impossible to feel any sympathy for civil servants who have to have Xmas parties with no mention of Xmas, no booze and nothing to eat which might exclude some minority, real or imagined.

Epic Fail

Couldn’t punch their way out of a paper bag. That’s what you think when you see two TV wrestlers exchanging blows and not doing any damage to each other.

The perils of scrutiny

That Fulani woman’s name is something she invented as part of her culture appropriation campaign. And her charity is under investigation for accounting ‘irregularities’.
    Shudda kept her trap shut but her sort just can’t.

Small fry

Bad news for the posturing rail union boss. All the disruption of the railways is forcing people to find alternatives for travel and there are claiming an increasingly smaller share of public travel.
    Which means that a lot of pruning will be required to make them profitable. Especially if they’re losing a million quid per day.

Show & tell

They’re sure doing a lot of smoking in this film, I thought. When was it made? 2019. Okay, the new normal is that everyone who’s a serial smoker is a scumbag bad guy. The bigger the ceee-gar, the scrummier the bag.

Yodel-ed Part 2

My neighbour had a brainwave. If the big box hadn’t been stolen by thieves who had been following the Yodel van, had it been dumped at the wrong address?
    One of his neighbours was away that week and sure enough, there was a big box, clearly addressed to him, dumped in the wrong front porch.
    Two days later, he got an email from Yodel telling him there was no open-door delivery photograph (well, there wouldn’t have been if the dumpee was out), Yodel had no idea what had happened to the big box and if he had a problem with that, contact the firm he’d bought it from.
    Basically, “Fuck off, we don’t want to know.”
    Which is enough to make any customer Yodel with frustration.

Fall-gal

theGuardian seems to be doing its level best to confect a link between every scandal, big & small, and Baroness Mone in its quest to position her as the ultimate PPE bad person.
    An organization trying so desperately has to have an exceedingly shoddy motive.

Everything comes to he who waits

And that includes the 20.0 Megaquake film those useless twats at Sky bumped from the Sci-Fy channel the other night.
    No surprise that San Francisco was in the firing line. The Mansion cat wasn’t impressed and slept right through the entire state of California under threat of falling into the Pacific Ocean.
    Well, if that would get rid of Prince Hairy & his appalling wife, it’s a price we’d willingly pay.
    Never seen anything dafter than the top of that building floating down river to a collision with a bridge!

You’ve been Yodel-ed

A neighbour went to the Yodel website with tracking data and found he was due for a delivery between 2 & 4 p.m. that day. Didn’t happen. Heeding all the warnings about delays on the website, he assumed he’d been bumped.
    The next day, he did the tracking again and was told the delivery had been made at half-past 2 the previous day.
    But no one had called, there was no big box dumped in his porch or in the safe place round the back, and none of the neighbours had complained about a big box dumped on them and blocking their hallway.
    Back to the website to have an on-line chat with a bloke in India, who said he’d contact the depot to find out what had happened.

Turn the page

Muriel’s Wedding star, I read in the opening paragraph.
    Bink! Nothing. Never even heard of the film, TV show or series, or whatever. No need to read the story.

Good alibi

I get the impression that at least 50% of the audience for the mockumentary whinges by Prince Hairy and his appalling missus were doing it on behalf of some newspaper or other news service.

Lost in the whinge-fest?

The successful return of NASA’s lunar orbiter didn’t get much of a look in with all the strikes and the whinges from Prince Hairy and his appalling wife. Shame we have to wait a couple of years for manned flights back to the Moon to give the media something real and interesting to talk about.

Yes, please

We really need former Buckingham Place staff to be released from confidentiality clauses so that they can dish the dirt on Markel bullying. And all the news media must be gagging for this, if only for something to put between the adverts.

A tiny bit heavy-handed?

Did it really take 3,000 cops to arrest 25 alleged revolutionaries in Germany, some of them quite elderly? The whole thing has the reek of a regime trying to deflect attention from its more obvious defects.

Brown bonkers

Gordon Brown claiming that the last decade of Tory rule is the most corrupt in the history of the universe is a lot rich. Or are we supposed to forget the 13 years of scandal, cronyism and cash-grabbing when New Labour was in charge?

Goes around

I was amused to read that the appalling Ms Fulani’s racially partial charity is at a standstill because she has made it all about her and no one wants to know about anything else.

No sugar, Shirley!

It’s a really good job that we have a dozy Health quango to tell us to shut windows, turn on the heating and wear warm clothing when it’s cold.
    Like it would ever occurs to us to do this unprompted.

Your job gone, mate?

The postman wasn’t on strike on Saturday, so what did he deliver? A letter from his bank telling one of the minions that they want him to go paperless and give up contact via the Royal Mail.

You will do what you’re ordered to

Television viewers will remember someone in Cheers, I read. Well, I’m a TV viewer and I’ve never watched it, so telling me I will remember (or else!) is rather a waste of time.

Definite trend

It seems to be a constant factor. The only Labourites who admit all the strikes are selfish & a disaster are former MPs.

Nowt Changes

If you recorded the BBC’s Xmas menu last year, you can watch it again at times convenient to you as the same old rubbish is being served up again this year.

Smart move

The French World Cup manage was saying he sees no weaknesses in the England team. Well, he would, wouldn’t he? He’s not going to give away things he’s spotted that can be exploited.

How glorious

Wow, gosh! Series 2 of The Schmuck From Uncle is in colour!! But ripping off The Pit & the Pendulum in Greece? Ree-ya-lee!

Wonderful new career

Matt Hancock, the soon to be ex-MP, seems to be doing a wonderful job of upsetting people who can’t get through their day without a good whings.
    It’s definitely an interesting form of public service. And a lucrative one!

Alibi failure

Nurses are going on strike to protect NHS customers (by not being there?) Postpersons are trying to keep the Royal Mail losing £1 million per day. All of which is a big help.

Mouth open, must be lying

The ringleader of the RMT claims it ‘no choice’ about going on strike to stop people from visiting distant family members at Christmas, which is a barefaced lie.
    The union boss, Mr. Grinch, had the choice of taking a 9% pay rise and not going on strike. And he knows it.

Lost cause?

The verdict on Prince Hairy is that he has too much time on his hands to brood and confect grievances, and he should get a job and a life instead of being stuck in an imaginary past.
    Shame this doesn’t look like happening anytime soon. But maybe after his appalling missus of the moment dumps him in favour of a newer stooge?

Another Sky flop

How do you put up a HUGE flag yelling DAFT SCIFFY!!? Call your film 20.0 Megaquake. How could anyone not want to watch this 2021 epic? But when you switch on, all eager to see it, those useless twats at SKY are showing an Exorcist film instead. Grrrreat.

How do you tell winter’s here?

You can’t get anything into the recycling bins; the lids are all frozen shut.

Pensioner’s Outing

How desperate is AEW for ring fodder if they have to drag Jeff Jarrett out of his wheelchair?

Strength of ten!

You can tell the person delivering the advertising leaflets is on good form when you find a takeaway menu half-way down the hall!

Not here

Is there a sense of excitement at England’s progress in the World Cup? It hasn’t exactly got people nattering about it on street corners where I live.

Lasting value

I watched an episode of Dalziel & Pascoe last night; the opener to series 2. It’s now 25 years old but there’s nothing much to date it. Apart from Mrs. Pascoe using a red phone box instead of her pocket phone.

Bending the lingo

If England scoring three goals is Three-mendous, what’s scoring four of them? Four-tuitous?

Fills up the time slot

TV viewers could be hit with an extra 850 yours of TV ads per year if the regulator goes wonky, I read. But only if you watch Channels 3-5, which I don’t.
    It will probably be well over the 1,000 hours if the endless parade of internal ads on BBC 1 & 2 is included.

How did that happen?

A Tory trade minister was sacked and denied the whip with much sound and fury after allegations of misconduct. He’s now back in the fold after the allegations have been investigated and found to be worthless.
    No sound & fury for the reinstatement, of course.

Sometimes Okay

After viewing the highlights of the Cowboys demolishing the Colts on Sunday night (there), maybe I have to admit that the NFL can occasionally deliver the excitement you expect from the CFL.

Not a good idea

They were asking on GB Views last night if Lady Hussey should be rehired after being sacked for upsetting a woman who makes it her business to be upset.
    The answer has to be a resounding NO! She should be allowed to retire and not be exposed to the sort of appalling people who got her sacked and the Royals who gave her so little support.

Rewrite the dictionary

Great response to the stoopid notion that the name monkeypox is racialist – ‘The pox couldn’t give a monkey’s!’
    If it has to be mpox, do we also have to have an mwrench, mnuts, people being a cheeky m, etc.?

Obviously not true

There are some people claiming that the price of food has doubled, which is utter tripe. How curious that the news media seek out their silly stories rather than something realistic. Could they have an agenda?

Weird Bunch

Discovering the Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra, I noticed, was on BBC 4 at 11:50 P.M. last night.
    Their idea of Sunday prime time viewing for young persons?

There must be a word for it

What is the opposite of aerodynamic? As in that piece of plastic that you scrunch up into a tight bundle but opens out in mid-air and falls short of the waste paper basket.
    Aerostatic? Aero-obstructive?

Time stands still

The battery in my electric watch croaked. So I switched to an ancient wind-up watch, which I thought I had fully wound but the mechanism is very stiff. Next thing you know, it was 40 minutes slow and in need of winding.
    Some days, you just can’t win.
    Or maybe you’re not supposed to!

Semper Sharkalis!

What’s all this crap? I asked myself. I’d switched on for the last ever Sharknado film and the mob on the screen were going on about Merlin the magician!
    It’s so long since I last saw this epic that I’d forgotten that it’s a romp through mainly American history; plus ours before they had any.

Almost famous

That has to be the description of the owner of a name that seems familiar but needs a brief biog attached with the sucker’s greatest hits to remind the reader what he/she did.

Another meaningless threshold

The BBC is failing working class viewers by providing less than 25% of their telly time? I worked out my average total viewing time and how much goes to TV channels 1-5.
    The answer came out at 15%. Or zero if I don’t get round to watching the lunchtime BBC news.

Another seasonal count

Of the Top 30 Xmas TV Moments, I have viewed 9.
    Is this a record?

Not credible

Chancellor Hunt’s popularity is crashing? Who’s going to believe that? He’s always been a disaster area and he’s never been popular. So no crash possible.

GLSVP**

That culture appropriation woman who got the 83-year-old lady in waiting sacked comes across as a really nasty, vindictive, entitled piece of work. I bet they don’t invite her back to Buck House in a hurry.
    ** Get Lost, S’il Vous Plait!

Didn’t see that coming

Surprise! I’ve actually heard of all of the Amazon Top 20 British authors. And read work by a dozen of them.

Afterthought

That 12 Xmas Disasters film was Tolkein on the cheap – only 5 rings needed to control everything.

Really impressive

That’s rather doubtful claim to fame – being one of the people who painted the coloured dots on works ‘by Damian Hirst’. Pretty much in parallel with whoever attached the canvas to its frame and built the frame for the ‘picture’.

Seasonally Soppy

The 12 Disasters of Xmas (2012) was on Sci-Fi last nite. A Mayan-themed daft sciffy film you definitely won’t see on the Great! Christmas channel!
    Not much Xmas spirit in all the homicidal religious nutters of Calvary, (Alberta?), Canada.

Too offence-resistant

Gulp! If they try hard enough, we were told, some viewers will be able to find U.N.C.L.E.’s The Four Steps Affair offensive! What’s that N. Solo going to get up to? Beats me after watching it.

If only

Last posting dates? We can help with that. That was the subject line of an email from the Post Office.
    Of course, if they were being honest, the message would have to be something like: “Don’t bloody bother ’coz the buggers will all be on strike.”
    But only if they were having an outbreak of honesty. Which wouldn’t happen.

How can you tell when you’re losing it?

When you start wondering what happened to November 31st – that’s a good indicator!

Good description

The NHS, I read, has degenerated into a management-heavy organization that struggles to cope with the costs of failure rather than preventing harm with screening programmes.

One way to do it

Walker, Texas Ranger, gets a week off. In hospital in a coma with the world’s rudest bugger doing the doctoring. Cue an episode of flashbacks until Walker can’t take the doctor any more and has to get the hell out!

Trivial Quibble

Apparently, Wales were on course to a walkover against England. But only as far as national anthems were concerned. Something totally irrelevant to the 3-0 score line in England’s favour.