Small whinge, no cause for alarm

No wonder the world is going down the tubes if people get bent out of shape because they can’t use their spy gadget to wake up to Radio 4 after the Beeb fell out with Amazon. Anyone who is incapable of using an alarm clock and switching on a radio is not much of an advert for the human race.

Great conspiracy theory!

Seb Vettel getting uppity in the Russian Grand Prix. He’s beefing about a pit stop, he’s allowed to make on eventually and his car croaks almost as soon as he gets back on the track. Did  Ferrari deliberately sabotage the mouthy sod’s car to show him who‘s boss? We shall never know for sure.

Truth in Advertising

At Lloyds Bank, our No. 1 priority is your money – grabbing it and giving you a miserable rate of interest on anything you manage to save. Shame they don’t tell you that second bit in their TV adverts.

Call that progress?

I’ve just started reading The Remorseful Day by Colin Dexter – the last of his Inspector Morse epics. There were only 5 TV channels when it was published 20 years ago. And Sky. Now, it feels like there are two million and five – most of them showing programmes made back in the 20th century!

Note to J. Corbyn

Further to your party conference BS, if someone chooses to have a large family, they should be obliged to support the whole of the family rather than expecting others to reduce their own expectations in order to give their cash to the reckless breeder. It’s only fair. But since when did fair have anything to do with Labour party politics?

Another musing

I hadn’t spotted this myself by I’m now wondering about it after a friend who uses the internet a lot more than me pointed it out: why doesn’t the all-singing, all-dancing wonder-browser Firefox display the ‘alt’ text that website creators add to their graphics?

Today’s musing

How curious that the word “palindrome” doesn’t work as a word which reads the same forward and backwards.

A pinch of NFL salt needed

Conventional wisdom holds that turnovers are lethal in the NFL. But after giving the ball away four times yesterday, the 49ers ended up just six-nil down to the Steelers. So what do the conventionals know?

It’s Clothears again

“Switch to a different style of breakdance service,” the voice from the TV advert seemed to be telling me. Which left me wondering why the advertiser would think I had a breakdance service and what was likely to be so wonderfully superior about the one on offer.

Bye, bye, EU

The Mansion has now been consciously uncoupled from the EU. We’re not buying anything from EU countries until their governments stop treating us like vampires who need to be staked through the heart. My supply people are confident that we can get the same quality @ the same price either from UK-based firms or from elsewhere in the world.

It’s all about the way you tell ’em

Two thousand grand – does that sound more or less impressive than two million pounds? The unfamiliarity of the amount certainly gives it a greater impact because it makes the recipient of the wisdom think a bit.

Bang goes their credibility

Good stuff, the fake news, if even the Supreme Court in England will swallow an illegitimate scenario and play politics with the law.

Hardly life and death

The Daily Mail has developed an unhealthy fixation on what it calls “Boris’s blonde”. Could it be that he is ignoring their questions because the Prime Minister has better things to do with his time than get involved in a Silly Season space-filler? One certainly would hope so.

Things I didn’t know No. 3,185

There’s a breed of cat called the Werewolf Cat! Apparently, it is a relatively recent mutation, which excuses my ignorance somewhat.

Today’s thought

Gluten Morgen! – greeting which excludes intolerant people!

Brilliant biking

An unusually crash-free Moto3 race at Aragon; apart from the bloke whose bike bounced off the track leaving him with other riders zooming and just missing him on both sides. Scary! Nice of them to have the MotoGP next to avoid clashing with the F1 Grand Prix, wherever that is. Given the choice, I’d have watched MotoGP every time.

Labour ye not to to save The Planet

Everyone skiving off work for half an hour yesterday, the trade union bosses assured their members, would change the climate. It certainly hasn’t changed the climate of opinion that trade union bosses are useless nutters.

The cat diet

After the first course of your evening meal, the cat parks herself on your lap, which means that you can’t head in to the kitchen for a second course and you don’t get fat.

Own goal

In a newspaper advert, the Nationwide building society was bemoaning the fact that 11.5 million adults have no more than £100 saved for the proverbial rainy day. Maybe the piss-poor interest rates paid to savers by the Nationwide and its rivals is at the back of that.

Meaningful message

I spotted a printed paper sign added to the advertising board outside a barber’s shop yesterday. It announced: “Walk-In Appointments Available”. Which is a bit more inventive than: “Haircuts While You Wait”.

Easy escape

The bad guy glowers at a minion and tells him: “If you want to get out of her alive, you have to go through me.”
    Don’t you just wish that as the BG is taking off his jacket and tie to get ready for some lethal kung foolery that the minion would whip out a gun and fill his sorry hide full of lead?

Time to bin his award

Former prime monster John Major has turned into a tedious old attention-seeker. It’s definitely time to start an online petition to have his K removed as painfully as possible.

Just incompetent

Some bloke in a wig making a guess at what was on the Prime Minister’s mind is not evidence and it should be treated with the contempt which it deserves.

Time shift

Not much on TV so I decided to watch a recorded film. All the ads about Christmas had me baffled for a while. Until I realized that there might be a clue in the age of the recording.

More Madhouse

How on earth did university admissions become based on over-optimistic predictions of exam results? It has to be New Labour’s idea of sending 50% of school leavers to university – whether or not it would do them any good – at the back of it. Not, in 80% of the cases.
    I notice Dave the Former Leader is having a good whinge to plug his memoirs. And yet he did nothing about sorting out university admissions when the idea came up in 2012. So you’re not all that brilliant, are you, Dave?

Proverb for today

You can park a cat on your lap in front of the TV, but don’t expect her to watch the American football.

Technology that’s just plain annoying

One of the most annoying things about TV remote controls is the buttons which you never use but which can be pressed by accident if it’s lying on the settee next to you, leaving you looking at an adjustment screen you’ve never seen before with no clear line of escape other than putting the set on and then off standby, or switching the power off then on again.

Sunny San Marino

Suddenly, it’s pouring down with rain. Where has all the sun gone? Off to Italy for the MotoGP, where they must be glad of it. Mayhem in Moto3! Ten riders gone in the first ten minutes! But our British guy managed a magnificent second place. And an equally magnificent win for Marc Marquez after his string of second places.

Weasel Numbers

In the good old daze, newspapers would tell us how many millions of copies they’ve sold when they claimed to be top of the heap. Now, it’s all percentages of the market, which means they could be selling thousands of paper versions now rather than the millions of the glory days.

Drop Dead, Dave

With a book to plug, Dave the former Leader throws a Brexit wobbly. Probably hoping that we’ve forgotten that he’s the one who made a bog of things in the first place. But we haven’t, Dave.

Another of life’s mysteries

It still bugs me, that full stop in the title of “Earth: Final Conflict.”, even after four full series and into a fifth. Why is it there? It’s not as if the series title is a sentence.

Hurry on Xtinction!

Teenagers who spend more than 3 hours per day on antisocial media will go nuts, the experts reckon. Maybe it’s just as well they’re the last ever generation! We have quite enough nuts around as it is, especially in the London area.

Originality, schmoriginality

They do keep coming back. The Avatus in series 5 of Earth: Final Conflict [20:00, Horror Channel] are just vampires ripped off, and they were reincarnated as the Wraith for Stargate Atlantis.

There has to be a catch . . .

There’s this ad on TV urging people to avoid 31 days of hangovers by Going Sober in October. I’ve just realized that the amount I normally drink lets me stay sober all the time and hangover-free. Which means that I do what this bunch of control freaks want in every month of the year. How very distressing!

Get more real

The NFL and the CFL have collected a deal of derision with their ‘unnecessary roughness’ penalties, which sound prissy and wimpish. I would like to suggest just plain ‘roughhousing’ as a much more manly and robust alternative.

Noses out!

An incompetent Scottish court plays politics over the prorogation of Parliament to stuff more cash into the pockets of lawyers. That’s what it looks like from here.

Drowned!

What’s the difference between smoked bacon from the butcher and what the supermarkets sell? The half-pint of water that gushes out of the supermarket pack gives you the best clue.

Unexplainable uselessness

I’m still wondering why Sky Sports can’t synchonize sound and picture when they do American football shows featuring talking heads, who are never saying what we’re hearing out of our TV speakers. It’s such a basic requirement, which was solved by the moving picture industry over a century ago. Which makes it rather baffling that it’s beyond present-day Sky’s capabilities.

Bad memory? More like terrible!

How much confidence can you have in a kicker who has to wear odd shoes so that he knows which foot to use to boot the ball? Like that bloke doing it for the Cleveland Browns.

Diversity denied

We keep hearing about the messes created by Third World countries, which are where our overseas aid is poured in to the pockets of spivs and despots. But why does the Second World never get a mention any more. Blatant discrimination.

Unwarranted expectations

I still can’t help thinking that a programme with ‘Strictly’ in its title should involve masked ladies in skimpy leather or rubber outfits going round whipping people. Which is probably why I never watch it; to avoid the disappointment of being disappointed by a lack of whippers-in.

Silly question

“If you can’t pay for your funeral . . . who will?” is says on the leaflet which fell out of my Sunday paper. But if you’re dead, you’re not going to be that bothered so why ask?

There was a highly unusual case of Midsomer Murders – The Silent Land – on last night. Only one murder for DCI Tom Barnaby to solve instead of the usual shower by some hissy git; until about 10 minutes to go. And both executions were clear cases of justifiable homicide.

Yeah, right!

Does anyone believe that former actor S. O’Connery was lucky not to be killed by Storm Dorian whilst he was hunkering in his storm-proof bunker on a Bahama island? There’s bollocks and there are stories like this.

So what?

We’re being told that if Theresa May had expelled Boris Johnson and the ERG from the Tory party for not doing what she wanted, they’d be out on their ears. Just what we need – another statement of the bleedin’ obvious about something that didn’t happen.

More wibble

Does anyone care that some people spend 500 days of their life travelling to and from work, as some stooge has calculated? And lots of others don’t, I suppose. Thought not.

Not credible

Is anyone going to buy a 10-foot eel instead of a plesiosaur as the Loch Ness monster, which is what the experts have come up with? Pur-lease!

Yes, it was trite

Took me long enough but I’ve just realized that the American astronauts who went to the Moon ‘in peace’ didn’t have much choice in the matter if the only person available to fight was the other bloke.

Not quite rock bottom

21 Tory MPs betray their constituents, their party and their country. Can they sink any lower? Well, they do have the option of joining Momentum . . .

Self-damaging wibble

Is anyone likely to be impressed by sacked minister the Gaukster calling the PM ‘confrontational’? It just makes Gauke look pathetic.

Doomed and deserving it

Maybe someone should mention to the Xtinction brats that global warming is happening because God has looked down on the human race and decided that the experiment has failed. She’s now wiping the slate clean for another go, which means that the brats have no chance, no matter how much traffic they stop.

Laugh this one off

The Bremoaners @ Westminster have announced their intention of using every dirty trick in the book to prevent PM Boris from getting us out of the EU on October 31st. It will be interesting to see what they come up with in response to a threat by our PM to veto the EU budget to make sure that the sods don’t agree to another Brexit extension.

Today’s dilemma

In these oppressive times, can we still talk about black tea without being accused of racialism by the outrage confectors? Or even a basic white sauce when we get the urge to cook a meal?

No great disaster

The hot summer has cut French wine production by one-eighth. Good job lots of other countries produce more than enough high quality alternatives to bridge any gaps.