Melting Plot

What is happening to the anti-democratic Bremoaners’ conspiracy options.

A Counterblast to the Insolence of Office

“As a (fill the relevant category, e.g. committed Socialist), I cannot relate to these comments.”
    To which the answer is:
“Your inability to relate to them is a defect in you rather than anything to do with the validity of the comments.”

What a weird world we live in

I ventured out the other morning after the weather had turned what I thought was nasty. I was wearing an anorak and expecting rain. I was treated to the sight of a well-nourished bloke in sorts and a vest and bright red fingernails. Obviously, no one had told him that the heat wave is over.

Channelling James Thurber . . .

. . . who wrote: “You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.” To which may be added: “especially on the internet.”

Thought for the day

Why was there a Hell for the Devil to be expelled to when God dumped him out of Heaven? It has to be proof that God knew he was a tyrant and knew that he’d have to make an example of someone some day.

Another Proverb for our times

The world is so full of daft ideas that one more won’t make a scrap of difference.

Proverb for our times

Accusations are cheap, especially when made in pursuit of megabucks.

Not even slave labour, Mr. Sainsbury

One thousand Nectar points can be redeemed for £5 of goods at Sainsbury’s. Which means that if they offer me 100 Nectar points for doing a 10-minute online survey, they’re offering me the princely sum of 50p and an hourly rate of three quid. What’s the minimum wage? Not even close to that.

Natural suspicion

It says trustatrader on the screen and there’s a picture of some bloke who looks like an artisan, but it’s on TV and it’s about the internet. So you assume that the bloke is an actor who knows nothing about the trade he’s pretending to do. Credibility blown.

No sale

There’s this bloke doing an advert on TV. The sound is turned down but he keep touching his nose – which means he’s lying, right? Good to know these things.

Scrape, scrape

I can’t help thinking that if the florets joke was the best that the Edinburgh Fringe could produce, then the overall standard had to be pretty miserable. Maybe as miserable as the offence junkies who complained about the joke.

British MotoGP

The upgrades to the track at Silverstone made the Moto3 race unusually civilized, with everyone staying on the track. Apart from the pair who went out with 15/17 laps to go. And Fenati
    Drama right away in the MotoGP race: Quateraro taking out Dovizioso, who’s 2nd in the championship, at turn 1. Would Rins be capable of beating Marc Marquez? He had the tyres to take the win by half a front wheel at the line! Great stuff.
    Disaster for Alex Marquez @ turn 16 in the Moto2 race: the pole-sitter fell off. But as Luthi, who’s next in the championship, could manage only 8th, no great damage done to Alex’s lead.

TV Heaven

Why is Easy Rider on TV film channels such a lot all of a sudden. To remind us that Peter Fonda has gone to the great drug store in the sky. I wonder if anyone from Steppenwolf is still alive to collect royalty payments from their music?
    Afterthought: The film will probably slip back into obscurity shortly as it is pretty boring and the ending is totally daft.

Ratings for all

What the social meeja need is a ratings system for the seriousness of the people who sound off about the crimes of others. That’s people like the MP who rejoices in the nickname of Captain Underpants. All of the comments by people of his ilk should be tagged with a reminder of their past glories. And the ratings should be compiled by independent, sensible people like my good self. At an appropriately generous remuneration, of course.

Looking for something to take the biscuit?

I’ve just been reading about Bielefeld, a town in Germany who is offering a million euros to anyone who can prove that the place doesn’t exist! Why? Because some Yank started a conspiracy theory to that effect in 1994, and the town is now a laughing stock. Which has prompted the city fathers to make their put up or shut up offer of the million euros.
    What a weird world we live in.

What would we do without Brexit?

Apparently, if the slightest thing goes wrong, Brexit now gets the blame. Like Jammy Oliver’s restaurant chain collapsing. It was really nice of alternate celeb chef M.P. White to give him a verbal boot up the backside and explain where the buck stops.

The weird ideas some writers have

I’m currently reading The Janus Stone by Elly Griffiths, who does novels about a forensic anthrapologist, Ruth Galloway, and tries to rewrite history at times. She talks about a woman of 75 whose hands are skeletal, misshapen mummy’s fists. Which I find rather strange. I know several people of that age and none of them looks mummified.

No kidding!

It seems that the number of arbitrary gender identities has reached 19 and they include ‘bigender’. One assumes that applies to someone with a backside as big as all outdoors. But quite how that defines gender escapes me.

She probably wishes I hadn’t bothered

I keep seeing the name Sarah Wollaston chucked about as if she’s a person of consequence – so I looked her up. Turns out she’s an MP who used to insist that anyone who swaps party should put themself up for re-election. Until she did it herself. Turned her coat. Twice.
    She went from Tory to Change UK to Liberal. Of course, not a hint of a re-endorsement from her constituents. Which means that she’s just another bloody Westminster hypocrite.

Picking too many nits

If the boss of Man. Utd. Really is bothered that his team isn’t top of the football league division one after only two matches, he is in serious need of getting a life. Nobody remembers or cares who was top of the table two weeks in to last season, and the same will apply next season.

Just what we need

The TV companies are lobbying for more and longer advert breaks to let them compete with the internet, which is hoovering up their traditional sources of revenue. Oh, joy!

Deliberately crossed wires

WTF does plastic pollution have to do with climate change? It’s just more mutual back-scratching by the gangs of people trying to pick our pockets.

New Rule

Everyone who works for a regulatory body, e.g. the Advertising Standards Authority, should be required to display an identifying badge at all time so that the taxpayers who pay their wages can quote their organization’s most ridiculous rulings at these stooges and laugh at them.

When the truth stops, STOP

In a properly regulated society, the use of weasel words would be punished by an eye-watering fine. The severest penalty would be reserved for TV adverts in which the words ‘gamble’ and ‘responsibly’ are uttered with a Cockney accent.

Don’t buy from them myself

The Greggs bakery has cut the size of its custard slices in half with a claim that it wants its customers to eat less sugar. The claim might have some merit if they had also halved the price; which remains the same at £1 a pop. Clearly, Greggs are hoping that sugar junkies will buy two of the slices and double their profits. This line of thinking is so corrupt that it belongs in politics.

Still thinking about it?

It’s quite fun watching the Tory traitors claiming there’s no way they’d vote for Corbyn as PM. If it were a secret ballot, though . . .

You have to think it

A police officer is done to death whilst investigating a burglary and 10 males, including a teenage kid, end up in custody. It’s impossible not to think the ‘T’ word. Whether or not any of them were involved, that’s the reputation they have made for themselves.

Who the hell cares?

Do we really need to know that someone who has done a survey found that the average Brit spends 11% of his/her time waiting for things to happen, like kettles boiling? In one ear, out the other.

Very deserving

“Let’s talk about leaky bladders.” “Philip Skofield here, inviting you to sell your car for less than it’s worth.”
    The person who thought of a remote-control mute button for the TV sound should get a gold medal and a Nobel Prize at the very least.

Grapes come no sourer

There does seem to be bucketfuls of jealousy sloshing around as politicians, members of the Church and other ‘worthies’ line up to sound off about the Boy Wayne’s megamillion shirt deal with an online bookie. Like anyone would pay the worthies anything at all for such a deal.

It’s all politics

The troubled teenager Greenhouse Greta doesn’t think it’s her job to come up with solutions to her imaginary problems – that’s a job for adults. Nice to know she’s giving employment to a spin doctor to come up with cute nonsense for her.

Doomed advert

How much credibility can ‘Icelandic-style yoghurt’ have? Especially if being free of all real food ingredients is offered as a selling point.

A touch premature

How nice of the Daily Mail to give Boris’ wife a plug for her forthcoming book. Shame everyone will have forgotten the plug by the time the book is published next year.

Corrupted!

Doing a codeword puzzle, it took me far too long ro realize that the missing letter in cen_re had to be ‘t’, especially as it was vertical rather than horizontal. I’m much too used to seeing the word written as ‘center’ in HTML code.

Cheaply skating?

I’ve just read a brilliant offer which ended “and a glass of Proseco for two”. Which left me wondering if whoever was delivering the offer would be cheeky enough to supply one glass of wine to the two people and assure them that they’re getting exactly what was on offer.

Bikers on form (and on time)

A wet track with a ribbon-like dry line, which vanished in place, made the Austrian Moto3 race relatively sedate and uncharacteristically unchaotic. Until the spot of craziness at the end of the penultimate lap. Moto2 made up the mayhem quota! And that was a great duel between Marquez and Dovizioso in the MotoGP race.

We hate BT Sport and we hate BT Sport

Those bastards are having an effin’ laugh. Switch on at 4 p.m. for the Friday Night CFL edits, sit and read an Inspector Morse novel until a quarter to five before we get the first of them. Bastards.

False flag

If British Airways is Spanish-owned, it is no longer the nation’s flag-carrier. It’s just a foreign firm with ‘British’ in its name to fool the unwary. Thus, there is no need to worry about BA’s IT collapses being a stain on Britain’s reputation. It’s all down to Spanish mismanagement.

Non-news wins

Friday’s late afternoon/early evening power black-out of most of England and Wales. How did that miss the front page?

Useless BT Sport

If the CFL match edit doesn’t fill the time slot, why won’t BT Sport put the fillers on AFTER the match instead of BEFORE the match? And start the match, which is what the customers tuned in for, on time? Probably because some clueless corporate zombie thinks it’s a good idea.

Everybody relax

It’s reassuring that “Zara’s secret deal with tycoon” is front-page news. Clearly, nothing dramatic is happening if peripheral royals making a few bob is the only shock-horror going.
    And if “Are we plunging into a recession?” is only page 2 news, then we don’t have to take the idea seriously.

The message is a mess

One minute, the UN is telling us that producing enough food to feed the planet’s population will be a huge problem. The next, we’re being told that one-third of all the food produced is wasted and dumped. To any sensible person, the problem (if there is one) is one of distribution rather than production.

Which proves what?

How many of the list of the 50 allegedly most-read books have I read? Nine. Or it might be 10; I’m not sure if I’ve actually read Lord of the Rings but I do have a copy of it somewhere. None of the nine is about Harley Potter. How many others not on the list have I read? Thousands.

Campaign convenience

Are we really expected to believe that one in eight deaths is caused by dementia? What is more likely is that one in eight people who die have dementia to one extent or another but the primary cause of death is old age and one of the usual bodily failures.

Unreasonable expectation

Why would anyone be shocked and disgusted that criminals should ‘stoop so low as to grow cannabis in a disused church’? The CoE branch was closed through lack of demand. And the cannabis growers are criminals – people who are noted for stooping as low as they need in pursuit of a dishonest bob.

The first resort of the scoundrel

A witness reckons that the homicidal brat who tried to murder a 6-year-old French boy at Tate Modern tried to play the ‘society is to blame’ card. And no one is surprised.

Good idea or gesture?

I read in the paper that the police at Whaley Bridge are using drones to look for housebreakers on the prowl in the area threatened by the weakened dam. But how much use will they be at night, the traditional time for burglars to go on the prowl?

Back to where we should be

Order was restored in the Hungarian Grand Prix. The pretender Max Verstappen looked like he had a good chance of winning but superior strategy by Mercedes gave our local hero (even if he lives in Monaco) a faster car at the end. Louis on the top step of the podium where a British driver belongs.

Just bloody useless

What do you get when you try to watch your recording of the Saturday Night CFL match? One of the Thursday night matches because those stoopid twats at BT Sport put the wrong programme on the air.

Vrooom!

Unusual bike failures, crashes and riders sliding in to the kitty litter all over the place. Welcome back MotoGP after the summer break. There was some localized rain to wet just part of the track before the main race, but everything went off okay after a delay to let the track dry and Marc Marquez marched to his 50th MotoGP victory.

Devil in the detail

We’re hearing a lot about vehicles powered by hydrogen made at wind farms. But just how efficient will they be, given how extra highly explosive hydrogen is and the amount of cladding needed to make the hydrogen fuel store crash-proof.

Awfulness exposed

There’s nothing like a spot of sunny weather for finding out who has tattoos and how bad they are.

Strange Company

One assumes that advertisers do some research befor they pay to put adverts inside TV programmes. Which tells me that when I watch an episode of The Mentalist on the Fox channel, I do so in the distant company of lots of ladies with leaky bladders.

Bummer!

The ads came on, I picked up the remote control and banged the fast-forward button. Nothing happened. Apparently, you can’t skip the ads in a life programme as you can with a recording. Did it again at the end of the third quarter of a Thursday Night CFL match highlights!

Local invention

There’s a St. William Close near us and the sign has the local municipal arms at either end. Going past it yesterday, I noticed that someone had attached a white sleeve to the front end of the sign and painted the letters J and U on the sleeve, turning the road in to Just William Close. I’m now waiting to see if anyone kicks up a fuss about it or a sense of humour prevails.

Brilliant idea

Please give a medal to the bloke who came up with the idea of using empty bank premises to house some of Boris's 20,000 new coppers. We have three of them near us (former banks, that is) and sticking the prisoners in a bank vault would be a great idea.