One step sideways

The idiots at the Home Office don’t know the difference between legal and illegal migrants and the Home Sec. has been dumped as a time-honoured way of admitting that the idiots have been really stoopid. What do we get as a replacement? A guy who doesn’t know the difference between Pakistan and the Caribbean.

The modern world explained

Why is it called a hash tag? Because Twitter is mind-marijuana, which makes its users paranoid and crazy.

Not as bad as expected

According to the weather forecast, we were supposed to be starting a wet, chilly spell today. Which made it all the more enjoyable to watch the reporters hoping to yell something at the new Home Secretary getting rained on in London while we’re enjoying a sunny day.

Brief encounter

President Kim’s chumming up to his counterpart in South Korea is seen as being just as sincere as McRon’s attempt to become Donald Trump’s boyfriend. All teeth and tits on the day, then back to normal when the cameras stop rolling.

One good bit

“Enjoy the Grand Prix?” I asked one of the staff after the one in Azerbaijan
“I got a lot of t-shirts ironed,” he replied.
“That fascinating, eh?”
“Vettel blew it at the end, though, so I’m glad I stuck with it.”

It’s Clothears again

Cabinet Ministers have rallied round the emBasiled Home Secretary Ambrosia Rudd after a very Fawlty performance in recent weeks.

North Korea blinks

Looks like K.J.-u. has realized that there will be more in it for him and his entourage from pretending to be peace-loving nice people than from being rocket-shootin’, nucular-testin’ bad guys. Especially if he’s getting no change out of President Trump.

Some of his Dad’s spirit needed

“Take your hoop and shove it” should be the response from Prince Chazzer to all those agitating for him to drop everything to inspect his latest grandson, Prince Louis Mountbatten.

Minor credibility problem

The Corbynites and the trade unions are trying to tell us that the Labour party isn’t a morass of misogyny, anti-Semitism and bullying. Maybe they could re-hire Alastair Campbell as their press agent. Everyone trusts and believes him.

Still no good at it

Alastair Campbell, a candidate for the World’s Worst Liar Award, claims he never lied to journalists when he was working for Tony B. Liar. And then he gets upset when no one believes him. Go figure.

I second the motion

Spotted today:
“The government is giving nearly £50 million/year in aid to China, the world's 2nd largest economy, which also has a multi-billion-pound overseas aid programme. What more proof do we need that government departments are stuffed to the rafters with idiots?”

Time to despair

Bad news for Swiss makers of proper watches: they’ll be extinct before they know it. 14% of people in Britain can’t tell the time from a watch which isn’t digital, and the figure is going relentlessly up and up as kids are no longer taught to tell the time properly in schools.
    How long before Big Ben’s clock faces become digital? Bong!

Apt punishment

Is it really true that the bloke who killed 10 people with a van in Toronto did it because he couldn’t find a woman who was willing to shag him? If it is, he should be sentenced to spend 25 years in a women’s prison. Locked in a chastity belt.

Have mercy, you sods

What we really need is a one-year moratorium on the use of the word ‘brilliant’. Newspaper hacks have flogged all meaning out of it and converted the word into a groanworthy cliché. It needs a long period of rest and recuperation.

Time flies

Is Grace Slick really 78!?! But she sounds so young on the Jeffersons’ records.

Age unconcern

Here’s an interesting thought from one of my neighbours, who’s in his early 70s: you can make friends with a neighbourhood cat, who’s maybe a couple of years old, and start wondering who’s going to last longer, you or her. And the smart money goes on her.

Put the blame where it belong

Let us not forget that if Pippa’s in-laws are mired in scandal, it’s only because the nasty bastard news meeja have the extreme bad manners to rake things up in order to sleaze them at every slight opportunity.

A day of contrasts

Motorsport fans watching MotoGP with one eye and the IndyCar race with the other at 8 p.m. last night were offered motorbikes speeding around in bright sunshine in Austin, Texas, versus cars in clouds of spray in rain in Birmingham, Alabama.
    In Texas, it was Zarco’s turn to clobber Rossi and Marc Marquez showed his younger brother how to win. In Birmingham, the highlight was the Aussie whinger aquaplaning across the track and into the wall when the race was restarted after a caution. A red flag a couple of laps later meant that they couldn’t rebuild his car and he was done.

Bad people sometimes do cute things

You just have to love to hate some bad guys. Like President Assad of Syria, who relinquished his Legion d’honneur award of his own accord and did President McRon out of a display of nauseatingly faux virtue-signalling.

Is real life in America really this stoopid?

I was watching an episode of The Mental Case yesterday. Patrick Jane went to pay a parking fine and an irate guy with a gun arrived. When Jane went out to talk to Agent Lisbon, there were about 99 cops outside, all aiming guns at him. And looking like prize pillocks.
    Does it really take that many cops to make fools of themselves IRL?

Not my telephone preference!

The phone rings. Some creep asks me if I’ve been getting a lot of unwanted calls.
    “Like this one?” sez I.
    The creep rings off.

Keep trying, love

Some female of Guyanan descent seems to have thrown a major wobbly (for the publicity?) because Prince Chuck said she doesn’t look like she comes from Manchester. She might have been born here but she clearly hasn’t yet acquired a stiff enough upper lip to be eligible to be British.

On to the next phase

The world can relax. Kim Jong-whoever has announced an end to North Korea’s nuclear testing. Mainly because his boffins have done enough of it to be able to build him as many nuclear weapons as the Chinese will let him have.

Everyone hates pushy people

Should pro-life campaigners be banned from protesting outside abortion clinics? Yes. They should be told to go and do something useful rather than trying to run (ruin?) other people’s lives. Their right to freedom of expression includes a responsibility not to harass people who don’t want to know their views.

A jestful, but accurate, description

There’s nothing like a good nickname for putting a waxwork in his place. Take the former head of the civil service Roberto Kerslake as an example. He became known at Bungalow Bob because he has little up top. Which tells you all you want to know about this sorry Corbynite.
    p.s. His alternative nickname is Bungling Bob.

Quickly sorted

Seen on a WW ring: World Wish Day. Okay, I’ll buy it. I wish we had a world.
    There, that’s that out of the way.

One back at you

We keep getting bits of Britain disrupted by wartime bombs, so it’s nice to know the Germans have the same problem. Workers on a building site near the main station in Berlin have found one, so that’s more misery for commuters when they close everything down on Friday to defuse it.

Fie to Faux

Think you’re buying fake but you get the real thing – is that a bad deal? MPs are worried about people buying faux fur and getting products containing real fur when they use online retailers like Amazon.
    You’d think they’d have more important things to occupy their attention, but the Westminster Wonders are not noted for having real-world priorities.

Holey foot

Old Corbyn fires a rocket at the PM, accusing her of having Windrush landing cards shredded in 2010. She sinks him with the revelation that it happened in 2009 under Labour. But he just rattles on with the planned tirade.
    Earplugs, not paying attention, or just not interested in any views but his own?

Concern reserved

Should we be worried about a picture in the newspaper of a stag with a plastic bag caught in its antlers? Not really. The animal is in no danger and the bag is doing no harm where it is.

Home Office = mega-screw-up

I see Dr. Ong has been allowed to continue his GP training here, even though he’s from Singapore and doesn’t have any ’uman rights. I suppose it will be too much to hope for the bozos at the Home Office who wasted taxpayers’ money on trying to deport him will get the sack.

Things you realize whilst watching TV:

Being a dealer isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you work in a casino in Las Vegas. [or Atlantic City]

New hobby for idle hands

If Oxford University goes ahead with its plan for the statue of Cecil Rhodes, the original statue will end up locked away in the basement and replaced by a copy and a box of marker pens, which looney lefties can use to write racialist slogans on the substitute statue. Expectations for the standard of spelling are not high.

An eternal truth

The plight of the post-war migrants from the Caribbean and their children; the ones who didn’t bother to get a passport; underlines a basic part of the operating code of any government department. When some dozy bastard of a civil servant has the option of applying a new rule to circumstances where it doesn’t apply, the dozy bastard will always do something embarrassingly boneheaded.

Credibility zero

A sacked FBI director with a book to plug tries to sleaze President Trump. What’s his next move? Applying for the job of the Russian ambassador?

Recognition long overdue

How much longer is J. Corbyn going to have to wait before he’s awarded his Hero of the Soviet Union medal? What more can one man do to further the cause of this country’s enemies.

Which, oh, which?

I have this brilliant title for a book: The Fournicators but I can’t decide which plot to give it.
    a) Two couples on a headlong dash through the catalogue of hedonism; or
    b) THREE hookers and a motel room for the man the police couldn’t keep banged up.
All suggestions on a PC to the usual address.

Setting priorities

Billy ‘Big Yin’ Connolly reckons that if the love of your country is all you have, you’re in a desperate state. Quite right. What’s life without the price of a pint of heavy and a bottle of Bucky?

Pull the other one

Winnie Mandela is up for sainthood now she’s dead? I suppose all the people her gang of thugs killed have been conveniently forgotten. And all the loot that vanished.

More!

Well, that was fun to watch: the forces of evil Ferrari trounced by Red Bull’s superior tyre strategy and a driver who thought he was auditioning for Fast & Furious 8.

Lazy sod

Come on, Mr. Putrid! If you’re going to tell a lie, make an effort. No one believes we sent the RSC to Syria to stage a poison gas attack at Douma. Or is that Putin the Poisoner’s way of admitting he’s responsible for all of the recent chemical attacks and telling the rest of the world, “So what? And by the way, you know that poison gas attack that didn’t happen in Syria? Britain dunnit.”

Oh, for a muse of . . . credibility

Bloke got up as a woman in court for bashing real woman for pointing out he’s not a woman. The accused described as a bicycle courier of no fixed abode.
    Who’s writing the script these day/ Monty Python?

Pour me a large one!

Drinking 10 glasses (2 bottles) of wine a week cuts life expectancy by 2 years. Sounds like a good deal to me; a few drinks instead of a couple of years at the fag end of life being neglected and unappreciated.

Spotless

The Russians are now claiming that there is no evidence of a chemical attack on Douma in Syria. They know this for a fact because they sent in a crime scene clean-up crew with their liberation army to remove any remaining evidence.

Reasons to be cheerful . . . not!

The latest bit of good news from the ‘experts’ is that if you stay up late and get up late in the morning, you have a 10% better chance of dying an early death. Oh, joy!

Up for grabs

What’s the opposite of the bee’s knees? How about the dog’s knees? Other suggestions on a PC to the usual address.

It’s obvious, really

How did old Putin get to be the sixth most popular person on the planet? Easy: the result came out of an on-line survey and we all know how many hackers he has working for his fake news industry.

Nomenclature tangle

What should we call vegans who eat fake meatburgers, ‘pork’ sausages and ‘bacon’? Fauxnivores? Carnicheats? Transvores? Or just plain not serious about their fad.

More from cloth-ears

“You’re snoad? What’s that?
“Snowed. As in snowed under?”
“Oh, right.”

You get what you see?

I saw a couple of vans in formation today, both operated by an outfit called ‘abstract roofing’. How very nice of them, I thought, to warn their customers what to expect. And how few legs the customers will have to stand on if they think the finished job looks like something knocked out by the Picasso brothers.

Trouble at the top

There’s an essay about credibility by Max Hastings occupying 3/4 of a page in today’s Daily Mail. He mentions a book by an American academic, who sounds off about a lack of respect for expertise and leadership, which is abroad in the world.
    Their combined output can be summed up in a few words: our current leaders are idiots, crooks or clueless, or a mixture.
    Lucky us!

Sporting happiness

I’m still trying to decide which was the best bit of yesterday’s MotoGP – Cal Crutchlow winning again or Marc Marquez punting Rossi off the track and getting a bit of revenge for past insults.

Bury the bad people!

MotoGP features motorbike racing; something you’d expect to appeal mainly to an audience of younger petrol-heads. And yet there are adverts for funeral plans for old people. If the good die young, what does that say about insurance company ad department targets?

Stunted command (of life and reality)

What sort of idiot reaches the rank of Chief Constable without grasping that female voices don’t belong in a male voice choir?

Getting there

America is at the cutting edge, right? Britain is hopelessly mired in millennia of history, right? And yet, the Yanks have only just discovered the chip butty, and they think it’s a Turkish delicacy. But it’s somehow reassuring to find out that they’re not half as clever as they make out.

Not possible

There can’t possibly have been a poison gas attack in Syria because the Putin regime says it never happened. And we all believe every word we hear from them, right?

Get it right, Boris!

Oh, dear. Boris is wrong about Corby. Yes, Corbyn is an idiot but everything he does proves that he is definitely not a useful one.

Human wrongs

How come all our idiots are useless? Who has cornered the market in useful ones?

Who’s the war with?

The BBC’s Radio Four has just invited me to give my views on Brexit and the coming trade war in one of its phone-in programmes. But it failed to offer a vital piece of information. Who are we having a war with? The EU? Russia? Someone else. We really should be told.

Could Be

I happened to see a bit of a recording of the WWE’s show RAW this morning. One of the cast is billed as The Empress of Tomorrow but she seems to be called Oscar. Which set me wondering. Is a girl named Oscar the long-lost sister of the boy named Sue that Johnny Cash used to sing about?

Fringe Benefit

It must be great to be a Russian diplomat. When your bosses order you to tell a lie, you don’t even have to pretend to believe the garbage you’re spouting.

Do these clowns ever listen to themselves?

Gordon Bennett! This Novichok stuff must be dead easy to make if state ‘actors’ can churn it out. What Russians scientists are making, as opposed to their luvvies, doesn’t bear thinking about!

Not to be tolerated

What is it about the British justice system that attracts so many idiots? The latest example is what happened to a 78-year-old man, who was attacked by armed burglars in his home. One of the burglars died of a stab wound, the other fled, abandoning his mate. Next thing you know, the home owner was charged with GBH then murder.
    No doubt the idiot who charged him will plead, “I was only following orders” and blame the system. No excuse. Neither is having a system which lets idiots create the rules, and places idiots in positions of authority in the police, the CPS and everywhere else in the so-called justice system.

What’s Putin saying now?

We used poison made by some other country to try to kill Sergei Skripal (and his daughter) so the Russians are innocent somehow?
    Desperate, or what!

This month’s busted myths

Eating pasta won’t make you fat and smoking won’t keep you thin. Oh, dear!

Thought for the day

Is it just coincidence that coarse contains the word ‘arse’?

It’s what they do

No surprise that the foreign company to which our air-head Home Sec. gave the contract for blue passports has been accused of bidding below the cost price in the expectation of receiving an illegal state subsidy.

Weird logic

What do you give the anti-Semitism activist who has everything? If you’re Jeremy Corbyn, you crop some beetroot from your allotment and offer that.

Cheapskates

The BBC has the peculiar notion that two lousy episodes of a programme constitutes a series. A pair, a small blip maybe. But definitely nothing like a succession or a series. Except to someone with a New Labour spin-doctor mentality.

How to annoy a science fiction fan

Insist that ‘Psi Corps’ is pronounced ‘Peasy Corpse’.

Hang on . . .

When I got to page 8, I discovered that Tunnock’s teacakes are sponsoring NASA’s parachutes and there was a picture of some of the branded parachutes dropping an Apollo capsule into the sea.
    Maybe the hit-list surgeon is for real.
    Gulp!

Fool me once . . .

Crumbs! There’s a desperately vivid story about surgeon who bought an arsenal on the internet on the front page of today’s paper. Apparently, he wanted to kill every one of his colleagues who’d upset him.
    Hang on. A hit-list surgeon? On April 1st?
    Oh!