Time flies

How long does it take to do the two-hour version of WW Raw if you fast-forward through the fillers, adverts and garbage? I did this week’s show in 36 minutes without even trying hard.
    No wonder the crowd was chanting: “This is AWFUL!” during the Inconsequential Championship match. And how many more times are we going to have to put up with Finn Ballor versusing Baron Jeremy Corbyn? Enuf is more than plenty.

Taking the boss’s advice!

I was amused to read that Oakland University’s administrators have chosen not to arm their members of staff, as advised by President Trump, but they have issued hockey pucks to the staff and students, with which to bombard and discourage any mad gunmen who choose to invade the campus.

We’re all doomed!

The message from your government is that in the event of Brexit, things will get so bad that everyone in the country will have committed suicide by April 2020. Which should leave a lot of room in Europe for bogus asylum seekers, even if there are no British taxpayers left to support them.
    *** This message has been brought to you by the government’s Department of Despair ***

Towards a golden future world

Inanimate objects are the bane of human existence. They are always trying to do something inconvenient and/or stupid. Falling on the floor is their favourite trick. And if they can break, they will.
    A future society will create objects with a sufficient degree of awareness to understand that wilful stupidity is not acceptable and also understand that inconvenience will have uncomfortable consequences.

Enlightenment needed

A carpet firm sponsors quality entertainment on the Alibi TV channel, I am assured. So who sponsors all the rubbish? I think we should be told!

Something to make them think

The Treasury is playing politics again and telling us what terrible things might-just-possibly happen 15 years from now. In TV crime dramas, people are constantly being threatened with a charge of wasting police time. Maybe the time has come to create a new offence of wasting government time and taxpayer’s money, with huge fines as the penalty rather than a holiday in one of the drug resorts laughingly called Her Majesty’s Prisons.

How to keep the “people” happy

All we have to do is tell the idiots who are agitating for a “people’s vote” on Brexit that if they can get the Russians to pay for it, they can have it next May, after we’ve left the EU.

Down time

It’s bad enough not being able to use your computer because Windows is installing updates; but when your TV box spends 25 minutes doing the same – grrrrr! Good job I’d switched on for the TV news rather than the programme I wanted to record for later viewing.

What he said?

Quarterbacks on both sides of the border have rather weird HUT! chants. Mr. Cousins of the Vikings seemed to be going: “One-Eight Sunday Sucks!” last night!

Calgary gets it done at last

The Calgary Stampeders are usually the top team in their division and clear favourites for a Grey Cup win; but look where that got them last year against the Toronto Argonauts! This year was much more of a struggle. But they were able to build a lead and become World Champions of Canada fairly relentlessly in the second half of their match with the Ottawa Redblacks.

Sorry, mate, you’re out of luck

The Scottish government is planning to have no more than 5% of its customers living in fuel poverty by 2040. Which is rather rough on those chosen to be in the lucky 5%!

Bound to happen

“I thought we could nip to the wine bar for lunch.”
    “El Vino’s?”
“No, they’ve had to change the name because wine-making involves cruelty to grapes, according to a gang of plant rights activists. It’s called The Intolerant Vegan now.”

Things you wonder in front of the TV

Has anyone ever had enough time on their hands to calculate how much it would cost to give £2, £3 or £5 per month to all the charities which advertise on TV?

Time to come clean

Now that the Brexit deal has been done, maybe someone can explain why the EU is entitled to punish the UK for wanting to leave their club, the sole purpose of which is to prevent France from starting another war with Germany and getting its arse kicked for the fourth time in 150 years.

Fitting punishment

I have often though there should be a law against religious intrusion – inflicting unwanted views on other people with intent to causse alarm and annoyance. Looks like the inhabitants of that island in the Bay of Bengal, who greeted an intruding American missionary with poisoned arrows, have the same view.

You CAN have the best of both worlds!

The Prime Monster has told Jezzer Corbyn that there might not be a Brexit. She has also told the House of Commons that the UK will leave the EU on March 29th next year. Sounds like she’s switching between two virtual realities according to which suits her best at any given moment.

High-scoring poisoned chalice

After the highest scoring Monday Night Football match in NFL history, both teams will be 50% unhappy. The offences will be told by their coaches that they’re the bee’s knees for scoring over 50 points against the other lot. Meanwhile, the defences will be in the dog house for being crap enough to let the other lot score over 50 points past them.

DIY option

A lady was complaining in yesterday’s Daily Mail that she returned from her supermarket empty-handed because she couldn’t find any baked goods made without palm oil. Maybe she should have used the time she wasted on the supermarket run to bake the stuff herself using only ingredients she approves of.

The curse of championship

The Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup last year and didn’t make it to the playoffs this year. After what the New Orleans Saints did to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, it looks like they are equally doomed.

Parliamentary justice

Lord Grope feels cheated of justice. The woman who claimed he made an indecent proposal to her also feels cheated of justice. Thus the idea political state has been achieved – everyone is pissed off with the result.

If it works . . .

If a woman with a fake degree can work as an NHS psychiatrist unchallenged for 22 years, do we really need shrinks with degrees instead of chancers with the gift of the gab?

Even 8 refs can’t get it right

The QB of the Hamilton Tiger Cats ran in to Ellis of the Ottawa Redblacks during last night’s CFL eastern final and Masoli head-butted Ellis. And that was a major foul on Ellis for roughing the passer, according to the 8th ref? That stinks and the guy who threw the flag should be in the stocks.

You can’t beat a good rant, no matter how pointless

Desperate Donny MacLeod of the Sunday Post is fed up with Brexit and the idiots in Parliament, Labour and Tory alike. “Now it is time to get rid of these Westminster numbskulls,” he declared.
    To be replaced by what?
    Nothing on offer from Donny.

Make your mind up time

Is the word ‘scone’ pronounced skon (rhymes with con) or skone (rhymes with stone)? Neither. Something with ‘one’ in its spelling should be called a skwon (rhymes with con).

A great idea

If people can be gender-fluid on a whim, and age-fluid if they think it will give them a better chance of a shag (until the potential shagee meets them), wouldn’t it be nice to be able to be tax-fluid?
    I hereby identify as tax-free, so no more income tax, VAT, council tax, etc. Well worth having.

Not trying, should do better

If the PM ever listens to anyone, the People’s Message is that we don’t particularly want to replace you but what we do want is for you to shape up and do a proper job of giving us the Brexit that was promised, not your sell-out to our enemies across the English Channel.

Waste of time

According to the label, a jar of pesto contains 47% basil, 5.4% Grana Podano and 1.65 pine nuts to a total of 54%. Which leaves 46% unaccounted for as regards the relative amounts of sugar, salt, EV olive oil, sunflower oil, egg white, preservatives, etc.
    All of which makes rather a nonsense of rules requiring accurate listing of ingredients.

Out of service (permanently, feels like)

Is it just me or has MicroSoft gone mad with updates this month? I’ve not noticed anything much going on for ages, but suddenly, I can’t use my bloody computers because of all these messages about configuring Windows for updates.
    And when I try to switch off, there’s a blue screen telling me not to because of all the up-bloody–dating going on. Maybe we’re just not supposed to win.

Be more practical

Why don’t the Premier League clubs just buy their outgoing boss a peerage? It will cost them a whole lot less than five million quid. Assuming the price hasn’t gone up too much since Tony Blair was prime minister.

One way to do it

The Christian lady in danger of being lynched by appalling Pakistani neighbours needs to hijack a plane, join a terrorist group or blow up a Tube train. That way, she will be assured of an offer of asylum from HMG.

More Zombie treatment

Yesterday, Cabinet ministers were wheeled into Downing Street one at a time and confronted with a 500-page document containing the prime minister’s suggested Brexit deal. They were told they had to read it on the spot and they couldn’t take a copy home.
    How much would they be able to gather to take to today’s full Cabinet meeting? Not enough to offer a sensible opinion, that’s for sure. Baffle them with bumf seems to be Mrs. May’s strategy.

Zombie Parliament preferred?

Moderate Tories – good. Brexiteers – bad. That’s the message today. Translation: the ‘moderates’, who will take whatever they’re given like good cannon fodder are preferable to people who have views and principles and can think for themselves enough to challenge the political Establishment. And exactly the same applies to Labour, as far as their ‘moderates’ are concerned.

A word in your lug, mate!

Note to the editor of the Daily Mail: the Tory MPs you accuse of sabotaging Mrs. May’s Brexit negotions are merely reminding our prime monster that they won’t vote for a sell-out and she should bear this in mind during her manoeuvrings.

Worthless assurance

Is anyone ever impressed to hear that something is ‘new to Alibi’ when we all know that the programme is old to all the other channels it’s been on?

Dodgy zebras out again

Personable foul; roughing the passer; when one of the Seasquawks tripped one of the Rams into a dive to the ground with the Squawks’ quarterback in the way? No foul. And that pissant penalty by an official who was too lazy to call a real foul on one of the Rams? No excuse for that. The miracle is that the Rams still won despite all the dodginess going on around them.

Massed rallies of hypocrites

Contrast all the pomp and ceremony of the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, and the tributes to our veterans, with the persecution of those veterans still living by the Police Service of Northern Ireland, crooked solicitors and sections of the British government, and it’s easy to understand what the concept of DoubleThink is all about.

Sod security, there’s dosh at stake

You’d think an outfit with the juice of the Formula One franchise would be able to tell the Brazilians to build a circuit somewhere safe from scumbags with guns or no race there.
    The fact that nothing is ever done about this suggests that corruption runs very deeply within both parties.

Gadgets for all

Little kids get training wheels to help them learn to ride a bike. Vegans get trainers to help them to become vegans? What a wonderful world we live in.

If there’s a market for it . . .

I noted when watching WW Smackdown, and going fast-forward through the fillers, that the Irish lass-kicker, had ‘I AM THE MAN’ on her shirt. Could it be that the WW is about to set up a trans championship for the ladies? Another obvious addition would be the lovely young Japanese girl who seems to be called Oscar.

Blue is good now?

We’re heard quite a lot about how the blue light from mobile phone screens and tablets is bad for people. Next thing you know, doctors are saying blue light treatment is as good as taking tablets for getting high blood pressure down. Not so much you can’t win as you’re not supposed to.

Idle speculation

Vice-Admiral Sir Tim Laurence, Rtd., it said in the paper. ‘Rtd.’? Rented? Oh! What’s the going rate for renting an admiral? I asked myself.

A foodie fad too far?

Well, well! There are ‘white vegan trainers’ to be had. And, presumably, there are also black vegan trainers available on diversity grounds, and also appropriately coloured ones for Chinese vegans, Indians (Red and Asian), etc.

Clothears again

‘His Adolph life . . .’?? Was that someone on the lunchtime TV news accusing Prince Charles of being a little Hitler? Nope, it was ‘his adult life’ which didn’t come across clearly.

There’s a rule already

The commentators on the last regular season CFL match got quite agitated when Mr. Long, the punter for the BC Lions, faked being run into. They were calling for a new rule with a 15 yard penalty and maybe also a red card. But doing that is already covered by unsportsmanlike conduct.
    Well, it is in the NFL. Maybe the Canadians don’t have that rule because, being Canadians, they are never unsporting. Unless, like Mr. Long, they think they can get away with it.

More bias

The Electoral Commission, which is shedding officers because of an anti-Brexit bias, is going after the Brexit campaigners because they suspect Russian money was used in the propaganda campaign. No sign of anyone looking into the Bremoan campaign and the cash it got from George Soros, however. Could it be that some sorts of foreign cash are cleaner than others?

London’s dunce

Bad news: London’s bus driver’s son of a mayor reckons it will take a generation to end the plague of knife crime in his city.
Good news: Mr. Khan thinks a generation is only 10 years.

Remapping the capital

Crumbs! Half of the 150,000 Russians living in London are spies! If the government could gather the nerve to boot them out because of Putin the Poisoner’s criminal activities, that would do a fair bit for the housing shortage.

Dirty deeds, not only in New Orleans

Was that a first down the Rams got from their fake field goal play in their match with the Saints? Yup. Were they swindled by the officials on the field and the replay officials? Yup.
    Did Whitehead of the Green Bay Packers get the same treatment when he was evicted from the match against the New England Patriots for a nothing offence? Yup.
    Looks like all the idiots got to wear zebra suits on Sunday.

Take your pick

What would the miserable sods in the education Blob rather have – £400 million spent on schools here or the cash used to build a world’s biggest statue to rival the one built in India with British aid money? Say, of the Bash Street Kids’ poor old teacher.

Small measure of retribution

It would have taken a heart of stone not to have laughed as Valentino “the GOAT” Rossi fell off in the lead of the MotoGP race in Malaysia, alone and unaided. The Gods finally grotted on the man who got away with so much unpunished and maybe deprived him of his last ever chance to win a race? Could be.

Mirror image

Mad Mandy in the Sunday Post takes anther pop at President Trump today; probably not realizing that her condemnations can be applied to all politicians with extremist tendencies – Corbyn, Sturgeon, and also to pontificators with an agenda to push, like her good self.

A somewhat pathetic concept

It’s Responsible Gambling Week, according to a TV ad, which I glimpsed with the sound muted. Which means what? We have a licence to gamble like idiots during the other 51 weeks of the year?

Clothears is back again

Hawkwind may be on the new £50 note! Sounds like a great idea. They were a really good band.
    Oh! Hawking.

Wow! Really?

Anyone surprised that The News Quiz on Radio Four has been convicted of an anti-Tory bias? Nope? Thought not. The BBC is complaining that it can’t find right-wing comedians. But being unable to find left-whingers with a sense of humour would appear to be an even bigger problem.

Not exactly justice

“Law chiefs’ payout to DJ Gambaccini for sex slur” the headline read. Wrong. All the money comes from the taxpayer, not the law chiefs, and the disgraced director of public prostitutions is off to enjoy a fat pension and probably a few quangocracy posts.

End of the world as we know it!

An unknown sports minister resigns in a huff and that’s a crisis for the prime minister? Only in the minds of fantasists and newspaper editors who don’t live in the real world – or who are trying to convert the real world into their fantasy world.

Right men for the job

In the light of the currently fashionable move to support real policing, maybe we need to sack all the wimpy Boys In Blue and recruit some hard Men In Black, who’ll go after criminals and bin PC crap in favour of pragmatism.

How to get noticed

Can the police sink any lower in the public’s estimation? It seems unlikely if the chairman of the National Police Chiefs’ Council can get lots of publicity by stating the bleedin’ obvious, namely that the police should use scarce resources to tackle real crimes rather than inventing imaginary ones, recording non-crimes and coming up with endless excuses for not doing the job they’re supposed to do.

Smear Tactic

Boris Johnson went to Saudia days before the regime had a dissident murdered in Turkey. Connection? None.
    Which means that anyone pretending there is a connection for dodgy political reasons is a scoundrel.