Shudda done better

The House of Frauds has its collective knickers in a twist over Brexit. The Bremoaners would have us believe that the electorate voted to get out of the EU after being told a pack of lies.
    Translation: the Bremoaners’ lies weren’t much cop and not that credible.

Every bloody thing has to be a ‘journey’ these days, even something as simple (well, used to be as simple) as having a building society savings account. Bollocks! I wish they’d bloody stop it, the journey-mongers.

Not so Corbyn after all

In the general scramble to make ‘youthquake’ the Word of the Year, reality got a bit overlooked. Now that the results voting patterns for the last general election have been examined in depth, it would appear that there was no surge of voting by the 18-24 age group, and the turnout of that group could well have been lower than for the 2015 general election. So much for the legend!

This ain’t normal

If a female BBC presenter really did say that men being paid more than women left her feeling like the bosses had naked pictures of her in their offices, then she’s in urgent need of psychiatric help rather than equal pay.

They’re not called mug punters for nothing

Many 14-18-year-olds who were shown a Paddy Power TV advert thought that it shows that gambling is a good way to make money. And they’re right. It’s a great way for the gambling firm to milk them dry.

Future cancelled?

When Corbyn’s Marxist morons have abolished capitalism, where do the Millennial mugs who vote for him imagine the cash to pay for the NHS and their pensions and social security and schools and roads and all the rest is going to come from?
    The Magic Money Forest?

Only a matter of time

Which NHS treatment will get the chop to make funding available to treat rich men for gropaholism? Fairness would dictate that it is a treatment from which only women can benefit.

Sod authenticity?

Black Bond? Gemima Bond? Jim-Jan Bond who had the operation then switched back? The day of the one-legged lesbian Esquimau in a turbo-powered wheelchair cannot be far away. James Bond is this guy in books written in the aftermath of World War II, not some message about political correctness.

A small smile permitted

There’s some good news around for the government on the economy front – things are going better than the ‘experts’ predicted. But as they are always off the mark; way under or way over according to their political prejudices;  that’s nothing unusual.

Card Marked

The Defence Secretary has upset the Russians by revealing the extents of their preparations for cyber-attacks on Britain’s power supplies; attacks on both domestic power stations and cables importing electricity from abroad.
    The Russkies now know that if anyone at all attacks us, they will get the blame.

Be nice to BGs

We seem to have a Terrorist Tsar who thinks that closing down the websites of terrorists infringes their human right to free expression. And we taxpayers are funding this rot.

Correction, but not as we know it, Jim

Department of Corrections, indeed! There’s no one quite like the Yanks for deluding themselves that they can correct criminals by giving their prison system a fancy name. Them and most of the other regimes on the planet.

May you be reminded . . .

Boris Johnson repeating something he’s been saying for the last two years isn’t disloyalty. Except to Bremoaners and the ‘hide behind the settee’ faction.

More twits

No surprise to hear that Transport for London is run by gutless wonders, who are too PC to admit that we won the battle at Rorke’s Drift. They should be made to watch the film Zulu until their ears bleed.

New rule

Anyone who complains about stuff posted by the twits on Twitter will be sentenced to an hour in the pillory at lunchtime in an effort to bring them into contact with the real world.
    N.B. the offender will be charged for the rotten fruit and veg., with which (s)he is bombarded.

Russians being daft again

Surprise! Armando Iannucci’s comedy film The Death of Stalin has been banned by Russia on the grounds that it contains ‘information whose distribution is illegal’ in Putinstan.
    What? That Joe Stalin is actually dead?

Talk over their noise

The prime minister is to set up a fake news and disinformation battle unit. It will be tasked with combatting BS from the nation’s enemies such as the Russians, Islamists, the EU and the Labour party.

Delusions of something

This lunchtime, we had the extraordinary spectacle of a BBC correspondent apologizing for the lousy wet weather in the background of his report. Despite global warming, like the Beeb has any control over, or responsibility for, our weather.

Corby II

UKIP leader H. Bolton is the new J. Corbyn. The suits and frocks at the top of his party hate him but the membership at large loves him. At least, that’s what Mr. Bolton is hoping.

Now, Putin owes us

Britain is doing its best for President Putin. We have the head of the army branding him as Public Enemy No. 1, which lets him play the victim at home big-time. What’s he going to do for us in return? [Hint: wrecking our economy by hacking or bombing us into a new Stone Age won’t be appreciated.]

Democracy don’t work

The French president has admitted that he will never give his country a vote on EU membership because he just knows that the awkward sods will vote to leave and he reckons he, personally, will be better off if he listens to the Eurocraps rather than his own people.

Credibility shot to bitz

There’s some really weird stuff on TV these days; probably because there are so many channels, all needing something to put between the adverts. Last night, More4 followed The World's Wildest Weather with Obama: the President Who Inspired the World.
    Is it April 1st already?

Antisocial & unskilled labour

The Tory MP who was slagged off by the usual suspects for saying that people on benefits shouldn’t have children they can’t afford was only partially right. The world would be an easier place if everyone who can’t afford to support children would stop making them.

Fair’s fair

The Tories will stop consorting with bigwigs in the business field when Labour stops hob-nobbing with trade union leaders and the country’s enemies, and doing them favours.

Getting an accurate translation

Re: the remark made by the president of the European Council, D. Tusk, about Brexit to the effect that “Our hearts are still open to you.”
    For ‘hearts’ read ‘wallets’.

Pram, toys

The Democraps in the US have marked the first anniversary of President Trump’s inauguration by throwing a hissy fit and shutting down the non-vital parts of the government machine. This is supposed to win them seats in the 2018 elections. Weird lot, these Yanks.

Who’s not past it?

J. Corbyn, in a counterblast to those seeking to dump him, assures them that he runs at the rate of three miles per week. Eh? Even a snail can go faster than that!

Eye of the beholder

At first glance, the newspaper pictures of the new Bomber Command memorial near Lincoln look like a factory chimney photographed from an Xtreme perspective spot by some arty type. How weird!

0-palescent

If Ireland’s Icelandic PM is a friend of the UK, what are our enemies like!!?? Corbyn on steroids and acid?

He’s an out-to-lunch gonner!

Gulp! First it was President Trump, now it’s President (he wishes!) Corbyn getting the dementia treatment. He was tonked by the prime monster when he got so carried away by his speechfying at PMQs that he forgot to make his spiel sound like a question.
    As a result, his foes are asking if he’s going to be too old to lead Labour into the next general election, and if he’ll be alive at the end of the next Parliament. Of course, the sub-text is that it’s time to dump him in favour of someone young, dynamic and in his right mind (-ish).

YouNotToo

George Osborne not getting a peerage? Sounds like a fair reward for declaring that he wanted the prime minister chopped up in bags in his freezer.

Try harder

President Trump doesn’t have dementia and he’s losing weight and he’s overweight rather than obese. So what’s next? When are his enemies going to come in with the killer blow and produce a birth certificate proving he was born in North Korea?

Over-overblown

When you hear a newsreader talking about ‘one former transport minister’, you assume it could be a person of substance. Imagine the let-down when the identity of the mystery minister turns out to be Two-Jags Prescott; not exactly someone you’d consider to be an authority on anything other than freeloading from the taxpayer.

At your own risk . . .

Something rather chilling: Americans planning to visit North Korea are advised to make a will and appoint carers for any children. The official warning follows the Kim regime’s decision to trump up charges against an American student, put him in gaol for 15 years with hard labour and send him home in a coma to die.

Another great failure

As Labour ties itself in knots over Carillion’s collapse and the private sector being used by government, no one seems to have done a count of how many former Labour ministers from the Blair/Brown era ended up in hugely paid jobs in the private/public sector.
    Maybe there's no one who can count that high.

Like for like

Labour’s asteroid correspondent, E. “Pleb-Mocker” Thornberry, thinks that President Trump is a danger and a racist. In that case, he should get on like a house on fire when he meets representatives of her party when he eventually makes his triumphal tour of the UK.

No lead is safe

The NFL fans around here won’t shut up about the dramatic finish to the match between the New Orleans Saints and the Minnesota Vikings last night. Apparently, the Vikings were trailing 24-23 and they had 10 seconds to get from their 39 yard line to field goal range and keep enough time on the clock to try to win. But they scored a touchdown instead! If someone wrote it, no one would believe it.

Hello! Still here!

UKIP seems to be making strenuous efforts to be noticed. Apparently, lots of people want to lead the party but not so many want to vote in MPs for it. A bit like the Liberals, really.

Consumer choice

I see the Marks & Sparks cauliflower ‘steak’ (10th January) went down like the proverbial lead balloon. It is now reported to have been removed from sale, sunk by the waves of derision which engulfed it.

Self-Assertion

A homeowner in Bath, who was fed up with having a home-front parking place invaded by tourists, has come up with an interesting solution to the problem: ‘Residents parking only’ signs which look just as official as anything attached to lamp posts by the council.

A Matter of Recognition

That’s certainly a interesting proposition – that a liver transplant surgeon should have the right to sign his work by branding his initials on the customer’s organ. And if Mr. Bramhall appeals to the European Court of ’Uman Bloody Rights, what’s the betting that they’ll rule that his ’uman right to artistic self expression was abridged?

Doing the right thing

It’s high time we stopped listening to the wibble from the EU and started loading plastic waste into holes in the ground as a valuable resource for future generations to exploit. But try telling that to the prime minister.

Hard luck, comrades!

The Labour party is up in arms because President Trump’s decision not to be present at the opening of the Obama Folly, a.k.a. the new US embassy near London, has prevented them from promoting hate and division in the nation’s capital. What a shame.

Not-News

Is anyone surprised to learn that delays are officially the biggest source of complaints about rail ‘services’? It’s as obvious as saying the Sun is the biggest cause of cases of sunburn.

In a good cause

Our wonderful prime minister, Theresa May, has pledged to spend the next 25 years picking up plastic waste. How noble of her!

Taking credit

I was watching the credits after a really daft sciffy film, wondering if they would shove in any more comedy scenes, when I spotted a great name: Diedrich. How wonderful that would be as the appellation of a vampire playboy!

Just lucky also?

A woman walked into a police station and said she’d buried someone at a house in the Reddish area of Stockport. What everyone is asking now is: “How did she manage to find a police station that was open?!?”

Just lucky

How fortunate is it to have two first names, like Gracie Carrie, the BBC person who isn’t an overpaid bloke, just a going-rate female. It means that everyone talking about you sounds like your best mate, whichever name they use.

Not Mee Too

Don’t anyone expect me to rush to Marks & Sparks to buy a cauliflower ‘steak’. My Chambers dictionary tells me that a steak is a slice of meat or fish. Where’s trading standards and advertising standards when you need them?

Dafta Award?

The Shape of Water? How can that be a science fiction film? According to science, water doesn’t have a shape of its own (unless it’s ice). Its contours are determined by a container and/or gravity (or the lack of it).

Black Rulz

Apparently, people were wearing black at some awards do at the weekend. All that public support for the Dirty Birds seems to have done the trick and the Atlanta Falcons are through the NFL’s Wildcard Weekend and one step closer to another trip to a Super Bowl.

Animal wrongs

The Daily Mail is getting wild animals banned from performing in circuses. But what if the owners of the circus claim that they are really tame exotic animals and exempt from the ban? There’s sure to be some judge who would wear that.

Fake expertise

Anyone who tells you that a quantum leap is, in fact, something very small and insignificant has failed to grasp the concept and is not to be trusted.

Everyone knows who’s to blame

Why is the NHS in permanent winter crisis? It’s down to the Labour party and Gordon Brown’s PPI scams and Tony B. Liar and Gordon Brown’s tax & waste policies and Gordon Brown’s decision to blow cash which the country didn’t have like the proverbial drunken sailor.
    The thing is, something which took decades to build can be destroyed by fire in a single night. Which is more or less what happened to the British economy under New Labour. Rebuilding will take more decades.
    What’s so hard to grasp about that?

Just a guess

“Why are there almost no Russian gangsters in gaol in the UK?” someone from the Russian embassy asked online in response to some British TV programme. The obvious answer is: “Because most of them have diplomatic immunity and/or connections.”

Sound advice!

The nation’s NHS nanny has another message for us: “Getting ill can be bad for your health so please don’t get ill!”

Teaching aid

It’s amazing what TV can tell us. On Thursday night, there was an episode of the SF series The Orville, in which the crew came across a huge spaceship containing people who had no idea they weren’t on a planet.
    There was an oppressive society controlled by a bogus religion with public lynchings solicited by the Boss. It was Iran. Our hero, the captain of the Orville, sorted out the broken society by getting one of his crew to open the ‘sun roof’ to let the people see the stars.
    And that's how Iran’s social problems can be solved. All the rest of the world has to do is work out how to open this broken state’s sun roof.

Here’s an interesting idea

A bloke found himself stuck on a Ryanair flight, which wouldn't let him off at his destination because it was late, or something. As he was sitting next to an emergency exit, he decided to pop it open and stage a sit-down protest on the wing! Got himself arrested, but it’s something that’s sure to catch on.

Moi, aussi!

The wife the Scottish French president, M. McRon, thinks that she's entitled to a front-row seat beside him when they go to an official function. Not an unreasonable point of view, one might think; except that no one elected her president and politeness is always subservient to protocol.

By any other name . . .

Gorilla Glue for the toughest jobs on planet Earth?
    Not impressed.
    Now, if it was called Godzilla Glue . . .

Heads or tails, you lose!

Women can still be paid 40% less than men at firms run by women, according to the official survey. So your boss having the operation and swapping sex to male or female won't do you any good!

Trouble all over

Gale force winds batter the south of England, guerilla protests in Iran staying one jump ahead of the regime’s storm troopers. And President Trump has a bigger nuclear button than Kim Jong-whoever – and his works. Despite Brexit, welcome to 2018!

World’s Strongest Delusion?

Enter a £10,000 prize draw by texting a code word, phoning a premium rate number or writing in. The first two options give the competition organizers £1.50 a go. Postal entries lumber the organizers with the cost of handling them. In what part of the Universe does a postal enrty have any chance of winning?

Happy New Year?

What cheerful stuff there was on the History TV channel on New Year’s Day. Such as Stalingrad, a 1994 film about citizens of a repellent Russian regime being placed under siege by citizens of an equally repellent German regime.

Which shall it be!!

I watched a new 2-disc release of the Wells/Korda classic Things To Come over the holiday. In addition to the usual extras, there are as complete a version as possible of the original release, an option to have a restoration commentary and a ‘virtual’ version, which includes captions and stills for missing scenes and bits of previously lost film.
    For me, the most memorable image comes at the end – that space gun with a ludicrous front sight tacked on to the end of the barrel. Priceless!

Progress, but not as we know it, Jim

If you want to report a crime after this year, you’ll need one of those nude tin cans with perforations, which talk back to you from the internet. That would appear to be the next step in policing.