Some days, the Universe just isn’t working

If it had been on the ball yesterday, a passing flock of pigeons would have unloaded on the posturing, shirtless Italian Mohican, who’d just put a goal past Germany in the other Euro 2012 semi-final, assuming he was some sort of statue. Now, that would have been a totally brilliant piece of TV!

Hubris Rulz: Hell, Yeah!

Posturing is something which the British can’t abide. So we took extra pleasure in watching Ronaldo boot the ball over the bar from a free kick after doing a full measure of posturing for the TV cameras. And his decision to take his penalty last to make himself the hero of the hour – except that Spain had already won before his turn came round – simply priceless!

All part of the job

The Queen has had to shake the hand of lots of repellent characters in the line of duty, so giving an IRA boss the privilege will be nothing new. But maybe she does what today’s Daily Disaster recommends; wear gloves and burn them afterwards.

It’s the way they tell ’em!

Why did the Syrians shoot down a Turkish F4 fighter aircraft this week? Apparently, they thought it was a UFO and it was only after they’d pulled the trigger that they remembered that Turkey still uses planes left over from the Vietnam war.

Seen it all before

Anyone else get the feeling that we’ve been here lots of times before? Allegedly popular comedian J. Carr; certainly a financially successful one; shoots himself in the foot by having a go at Barclays Bank paying 1% tax and then it’s revealed that he does the same himself. Worse, his father thinks he’s a little shit. Is it the old flagging career, public enemy No. 1, redemption and even greater success story being played out yet again? Yawn.

Dozy sod!

Not, it wasn’t the post denying him in extra time in the first half of Czechs vs Portugal, you stupid bozo of a commentator. The post remained perfectly still at all times and Ronaldo kicked the ball at it rather than the goal. He was denied a goal only by his own inability to kick the ball toward the net, not by the post leaping sideways to get in the way. Isn’t there an international treaty which demands the instant execution of a football commentator who does the “denied by the post” cliche? If not, why not?

Foiled again!

A normally reliable member of the staff has informed me that the BBC soap about doctors has been bumped by Ascot and tattoo’d ladies this week. So we’ll never know if they went on strike, and knowing the weasels at the BBC, there will be no mention in future editions of whether their medical heroes thumbed their noses at the taxpayer.

Well, will they?

Apparently, there’s a soap about doctors on the Beeb after the lunchtime news. So, given that the BBC is over-run with right-on lefties, will their docs be on strike tomorrow? The nation waits with bated breath.

Alarm bells ringing

I’ve just been watching a slow-motion replay of the events leading up to Spain’s “winning” goal in their match with Croatia and it’s blatantly obvious that Navas was offside when Fabregas passed to Iniesta. Which leaves me wondering if it’s possible for the officiating to be that bad without involving corruption.

“Wait till you see the replay and your phone starts ringing.”

An American footballer of my acquaintance used to say the above to officials who made particularly bone-headed decisions. That German ref definitely won’t be doing the final of Euro 2012. Nor will his “assistants”. That Spanish goal against Croatia was definitely offside. But hey, we’re used to “bush-league” reffing now, and there seems to be zero quality control of the people doing it.

Peculiar priorities

ITV had the football matches tonight, so what did they put on the main channel, ITV 1, which is in the ratings war with the BBC? Portugal vs useless Holland. Denmark vs Germany, the match likely to be a bit lively, was stuck away in Digital Heaven on ITV 4. Looks like someone in the programming department blew a fuse.

I guess they’re used to being swindled

Russia had the same record as Greece, they gathered the same number of points but they scored more goals. And yet they were sent home from Euro 2012 to face the wrath of the KGB. But just as we in Britain associate “swindle” with anything to do with Europe, I suppose the citizens of a country where V. Putin has self-appointed himself dictator-for-life are used to getting a rough deal.

How do they get away with it?

The latest hobby at the Mansion is spotting refs who won’t be doing the Euro 2012 final because they let foreigners commit assault and battery on England’s players. There’s that Italian bloody ref for a start. And that guy from Croatia will be next to him in the bar, thinking if only he’d done his job properly . . .

Is it really news if it’s only previews?

Today’s Daily Disaster seems to be even more strewn than usual with non-stories – ones in which the Prime Monster “will say” this or the Work & Pensions Sec. “will announce” that. Which suggests that political speeches, and reporting the same, have become redundant. Just blast off a copy to the news meeja, and put one on the Internet, and that’s the business of the day over and the Minister is free to get on with fiddling his expenses.

It can be done, you know!

For the information of the twits who keep going on at Princess Kate for not wearing a completely new outfit every time she goes out – it is actually possible to wear a pair of shoes more than once. I’ve actually done it. And so have lots of other people, apparently.

Doing what comes naturally

People have been commenting on the lack of “black” faces and evidence of people from the ethnic minorities turning out for the Queen’s Jubilee celebrations. Which tends to suggest that the minorities turn out only when bribed to do so, and underlines the contrived nature of all national public occasions at which they are abundantly represented.

Had they lived . . .

Having witnessed the grotesque spectacle of Alastair Campbell chairing Have I Got News For You, I can’t help wondering if the BBC would have been cool with inviting the likes of S. Hussein, M. Gaddaffy and O. bin Laden along to joke about their crimes against humanity.

Say What!?

I was just idly watching the box when I saw an internal advert for an upcoming programme called The Science Behind God’s Retribution. Only on Discovery! Apparently, it’s a prog full of imagined things (which might have happened but probably didn’t), for which an imagined deity can be blamed, and, no doubt, there will be a set of talking heads trying to get inside the imaginary deity’s head to explain how the imagined event was made to happen. Totally, but stoatally, bonkers!

Unintended Consequences?

I was amused to read that the young lady warder who’s been sent to gaol for getting too pally with the inmates at her former place of work has both her father and her boyfriend in gaol, which will make visiting difficult. No doubt she got the job in the first place under some daft New Labour diversity programme.

Usual Suspects at it again

It would appear that members of the communist community; the Grauniad and the Beeb to name but two, have been slandering the government again. They even dragged Johnny “Two Shags” Prescott out to play the pantomime horse for them and go on about “labour camps”. And all that was at the back of it was that some job-seeker stewards for the Jubilee were on the wrong end of a short transport cock-up. How desperate the usual suspects are getting for something to moan about.

Seen or not?

Is there any real difference between watching the transit of Venus across the Sun’s disk “live on the Internet” through the night and waiting until the next day to see the whole thing in a few minutes rather than 7 hours? Neither experience involves actually going out and looking at it for real – which wasn’t an option in Britain anyway.

There is an “off” switch, you know

There’s an amazing amount of moaning going on about how bad the BBC’s coverage of the Jubilee events has been. The newspaper journalists pretend it had an awful fascination and they couldn’t stop watching because it was so bad. So nothing to do with having space to fill up between the adverts, then?

You definitely can’t win!

Yesterday, it was freezing cold and chucking it down with rain, so they had the 1066-boat Jubilee regatta on the Thames and made the poor old Queen stand around on her barge for 4 hours. Today, the sun is shining and it’s quite warm.

Sounds fair enuff to me

Our resident linguist has just pointed out that “gift” means “present” in English but “poison” in German. Similarly, “LOL” are the initials of “Laughs Out Loud” in nerdspeak but they are also the initials of “Lots Of Love”. So his point was that anyone who laffed at Cameron after translating his English text message into nerdspeak is an idiot.

Gordon Bennett!

The nation will, no doubt, rejoice to hear that there is a Sue Morris on the public payroll. As head of supplier management at Joint Workplace Solutions, a division of the Treasury, it’s her job to issue email memos to staff at the Cabinet Office and the Treasury telling everyone that they broke rules devised by the Health & Safety Nazis when they put up Jubilee bunting. According to Ms Morris, the bunting had to be removed and on no account were staff to climb on chairs to do it themselves. Senior members of the government had to be wheeled out to overrule the woman but, no doubt, her bonus status won’t be affected.

Give someone else a chance!

People have asked me if I bought a ticker for today’s £92 million Euromillions lottery. I got one of the staff to print up some cards with 3 responses:
1. How could anyone hope to be that lucky twice in one lifetime?
2. I haven’t spent that last win yet.
3. I’ve pretty well doubled the original win with spivvy investments, e.g. windmills, so I don’t need another £92 million.