The gall of the no-hoper

A. Salmond, leader of the Scottish parliament, would like his country to become independent; but not so independent that the Bank of England won’t have to bail out the Scots if Salmond does a Gordon Broon and spends his nation into bankruptcy. “Independence, but not as we know it, Jim.”

Grab, grab, grab and nothing in return?

Vince Cable, who used to have a reputation as a bit of an economist before he took office and blew it, would like a Mansion Tax in the next budget, which will make him very popular with Tony B. Liar (unless his charities own all his extra homes). Mr. Cable is very good at saying how much his new tax will cost the victims but not a word on who gets the money or what the victims get in return for their cash.

The last person in the world you’d want to be . . .

. . . has to be the captain who ran his cruise liner aground off an Italian island. His character is being well and truly assassinated right now with routine tabloid libels and the testimony of unreliable witnesses, and he seems to be a man who was able to be in several places at once, but who is just in one place – gaol – right now.

Bummer! What else is there to look forward to?

Looks like we’ve had the best news story of the year in January. It seems a gang of thieves spent six months digging a Great Escape-style tunnel from a railway embankment to an ATM at Fallowfield in Manchester, and robbed it successfully. Only they got away with a lousy six grand rather than the expected £20,000. Not much of a reward for all that work.
    Furthermore, a similar plot to rob the same ATM was foiled over four years ago when a workman chanced upon the “Mole Gang’s” tunnel. The police are wondering if it was the same bunch both times. If it was, their effort to earnings ratio took a further nose-dive.

See how easily our problems are solved?

Greedy Bankers To Face Jail, read the headline in today’s Sunday Disaster.
    “If they make greed a criminal offence,” remarked one of the staff, “they’ll need 650 more prison places for MPs.”
    “What about Lord Mandelsleaze and Tony Blair and all the other fat-cat luvvies?” said one of the drivers.
    “What they need to do is round up everyone who’s grabbed in the last 20 years, especially Fred the Shred, and lock them up in a hanger on the Ark Royal.”
    “And tow it into the middle of the Atlantic and sink it?”
    “Right!”

The wonders of racialism

Labour MP Diane Abbot is allowed to get away with institutional racialism toward white people because 1. She’s a woman; 2. She’s from a group of non-white racial origin or aspirations (and therefore ineligible for racialism as of right); 3. She has a history of being allowed to get away with racialist remarks and so why should anyone start picking on her now? 4. She has a history of attention-seeking.

Something else to look out for!

Landowners with a fair number of trees on their property in my area have been warned to be on the lookout for rogue tree surgeons. It seems that when we get gales, as at the moment, these characters arrive on your doorstep with dire warnings of the havoc which can be caused by old, weak trees, and offer to do a survey of your trees at a very reasonable rate. The next thing you know, they want a few grand for felling several “unsafe” ones to give you “peace of mind”. Nice work if you can get it!