The Real Shocker!

Are we shocked by the shower of US diplomatic telegrams on WikiLeaks? Does it come as any surprise to know that the Yanks thought Gordon Brown was a nutter and David Cameron is a non-entity who doesn’t believe in anything, least of all real Conservatism with a Capital C? Maybe we’re surprised to find that Hilary Clinton seems to be going into the identity theft business if she’s collecting the credit card details of UN diplomats. But are we shocked? Given Mrs. Clinton’s record, not even a little bit.

No, the only shocking thing in the news right now comes in the Leslie Nielsen obituaries. In the Good Old Days, I used to watch Police Squad whenever I could find it on TV. I was always convinced that there were lots of episodes of this wonderful comedy series. I was dumbfounded to learn that only SIX episodes were ever made because the Great American TV Audience was too dim to get this terrific show. Now, that really is shocking. And very sad.

Who pays for all this? Me! Part 2

Millions of Irish scroungers take to the streets to protest against the spending cuts forced on their benighted country by national bankruptcy. So what do they expect? The government to change its mind and pretend to be Gordon Brown? And say, “The people don’t want cuts, so we’re going to do a U-turn and carry on spending money we don’t have.” And what’s our stupid government doing, borrowing money to lend it to the Irish? Politics is no longer the art of the possible, it’s the art of the feckan stupid.

Irwin.

Who pays for all this? Me!

“Chancellor George Osbourne addressed the Board of Deputies of British Jews”, it said in the paper, which left me asking myself if all British Jews are sheriffs and that’s why they have deputies. Next thought: Who pays the wages of all these deputies? Who seem to have New Labour non-jobs, which contribute only to the Brown Hole in the economy. No wonder the country’s in a mess with stuff like this going on.

Irwin.

Dave ja vu

Isn’t it amazing how no one learns lessons from history! The last time the British economy was FUBB was when Labour were in charge; Callaghan, Healey, all that lot. The next time was . . . when New Labour was in charge; Blair, Brown, all that lot. And across the sea, it’s the Irish economy which has gone tits up with a Labour government in charge.

And to make it even worse, they’ve got the IRA party leading the protests, so bombs, knee-cappings, disappearances & secret murders, all that lot in prospect. Plus the obligatory bank robberies. Which is why my financials have been doing an “exposure” audit to make sure my zillions aren’t at risk of Irish defaults or defaults by others in a chain going back to Ireland. Having lots of dosh can be real hard work at time. But infinitely preferable to the alternative, of course.

All you need is the right story!

It’s not a surprise that a fake priest has been fooling “the art world” with forgeries of pictures by lesser known artists. Especially as the art world is all about: “What can it be sold for?” rather than: “Is it genuine?” or even: “Is it any good?”

Heresy, but I misread the caption on the real & fake “Signac” tugboat pictures in the papers and I thought the forgery looked more genuine than the real thing as a picture!

Great minds think alike or led by the nose?

Update to the last post – surprise! There it is in the book, I found today. Kennedy was afraid of the monster he’d created in NASA and, given the opportunity, he’d have done a deal with Krushchyov to end the space race. So did the military/industrial Mafia behind NASA realize that Kennedy was more valuable to them dead rather than alive and wobbling, and have him whacked?

Here’s A New One

The death of the priapic JFK has spawned more conspiracy theories than you can shake a stick at, but here’s another: Kennedy was killed by NASA. I’m about half way through a book called Dark Side of the Moon, subtitled “The Magnificent Madness of the American Lunar Quest” and written by one Gerard DeGroot. Kennedy started to go soft on NASA after he’d won his election posing as a space nut but he was confronted by the enormous burden which the space programme would put on the American economy.

Kennedy could see that the US space programme in the 1960s was all about out-doing the Russians even if it screwed the American people into the ground. But with so much of the military-industrial Mafia behind the space race, he quickly went back to being a space buff, but he made his vice-president, LBJ, the man in charge of space so that Johnson would collect the flak if it all went horribly wrong.

It makes a sort of sense that the generals and industrialists would take out the potential road block of JFK to put their man LBJ in charge. And it also explains why LBJ didn’t run for president when his term ran out and he was quite happy to leave Nixon as the hostage to fortune of the NASA/military/industrial Mafia.

Don’t you just love it when the wheels come off?

Fernando Alonso just had to finish in the top 4 in the last Grand Prix of the season (thanks to Ferrari International Assistance turning a blind eye to illegal team orders) to be drivers’ champion in a season dominated by Red Bull, which had already sewn up the constructors’ championship.

Alonso was able to keep his closest rival, Mark Webber, behind him but all he could manage was 7th place behind 2nd division drivers who were desperate to prove they should keep their job. As a result, Sebastian Vettel, 3rd in the drivers’ championship at the start of the race, was able to lead all the way from pole, become the youngest ever F1 champ and stand on a podium filled with champions, current and former.

All of which proves that the universe does get it right on occasion, but so infrequently that we remain amazed that things actually worked out the way they should.

The Cult of OPD (Other People’s Dosh)

It’s amazing what the Arts Mafia think they can get away with. I’ve just had a mailing inviting me to achieve “patron status” by making a generous donation (i.e. £50K plus) to my local Arts Bandits, who have ambitions to put on a ballet on stilts, of all things!

It’s supposed to be cutting edge and a biting comment on the state of society today (under the budget-cutting, gravy draining Tory Coalition implied but not actually said). I normally believe in anything for a laugh, but in this case, one is not amused. Not even a little bit.

Death To The Bozotwats!

‘Is lordship is away at the moment, so I’m filling in. I wonder if he ever reads my bits?
   Don’t you just hate it when you’re been watching a weekly series on TV, but when you switch it on, it’s not there? It’s down in your personal TV schedule, it’s in Radio Times with a short summary of what’s supposed to happen in the episode and it’s even there on the TV’s on-screen programme listing. But what’s actually showing is something completely different.
   Most of us can only curse with helpless rage when this happens and swear at the programming bozotwat who messed about with your life. But some of us are now able to do something about it. So if you’re a TV programming bozotwat of the sort who makes series disappear in mid-season, be advised that your sins will now be uncovered. If you’re a bozotwat, there will be retribution.
   You might get to the car park to find that all your tyres are flat, or your battery is completely lifeless. You might get home to find all your upstairs windows broken. You might even find that the instrument of the breakage is an open tin of paint, which has gone EVERYWHERE in the room which is currently open to the elements.
   It’s about time that people who mess with the lives of other learn that there will be consequences. And TV scheduling bozotwats are just a starting point. There are plenty of people around willing to be paid agents of retribution. And I know how to contact enough of them to make a difference.

Irwin   

Beating The Bonny Night Rain

Everyone knows that it always pours down on Bonfire Night, so I decided to do the celebration in some comfort this year. Starting with a marquee on the terrace containing an indoor bonfire — a ‘living’ fire consisting of a flickering light show and lots of space heaters.

We had the outward wall of the tent rolled up to let the gathered throng admire the efforts of the somewhat soggy pyromaniacs as they let off a fair few quidsworth of fireworks. And Irwin scared up some varicoloured Chinese lanterns as a finishing UFO touch.

Baked potatoes, parkin, treacle toffee and a selection of real ales made it a v. enjoyable night. Which just goes to show that throwing a lot of cash at a problem like keeping everyone dry and comfortable on a traditionally wet night really works.

Clock Craziness

All the messing about with clocks at this time of year can be v. confusing, especially if there are lots of them needing to be put back an hour. I couldn’t work out why one of them in my computer room was showing a time which was completely different from the right time or the right time plus an hour. I was trying to work out why, if it had been right the previous day, that it was showing 34 minutes past the hour instead of 18 when I noticed that the second hand wasn’t moving and the battery had given up the ghost. They say the obvious explanation is usually the best one but it’s not always the one that occurs to you!